Chapter 4
"I'm glad you decided to come back, Amanda. It may not seem like it now, but you're already on the right path." Dr. Lindstrom smiles, crossing an ankle over his knee.
Amanda adjusts in the chair, elbows resting on knees as usual, and she smirks. "Liv, Uh, My Lieutenant said the same thing."
Dr. Lindstrom quirks an eyebrow in question, noticing the small blunder. "Olivia certainly is a caring woman. Is she supportive outside of work?"
She knows why he's asking. He can suspect the nervousness in her voice when she talks about her boss.
"Well.. yeah. She's my friend." Her tone was defensive, and she didn't really know why.
Dr. Lindstrom chuckled, waving his hands, "There's no problem with that, I was just wondering."
She rolls her eyes, but smiles. She liked him. He didn't judge, especially when she told him about her abuse. She appreciated that he didn't treat her with kid gloves, he talked to her like an equal.
"So, I would like to touch on what you told me monday.. About your step-father. Are you okay to talk more about that?" Like Olivia, he didn't beat around the bush.
She bit the inside of her cheek as she contemplated telling him more details. "Sure.. I-I guess."
"Feel free to change the subject at any time. Remember, no judgment here."
She nodded, twisting her fingers around each other anxiously. "He was a real good guy, I liked him a lot. Y'know, the father I never had. He took me and Kim fishing, camping, signed us up for sports… the works. One night, a few weeks after I turned 18, he came into my room. Said he was.. he was proud of the woman I'm becoming."
She felt bile rising in her stomach, but continued on. "I was a virgin.. Back then.. I believed in waitin' for the right person. My mama was a jesus freak, and I guess I believed all of it too." She gulped, willing the tears that threatened to spill, back.
She could do this.
"He raped me that first night. Pinned my arms down, and did what he wanted. Said if I screamed, or told my mother, that he'd leave her. We were poor without him, my mama loved him. I didn't wanna take that away from them. I thought they'd hate me."
Dr. Lindstrom kept a straight face, jotting things down here and there, but listened intently. "How long did this go on for?"
She shook her head, wiping tears away from her cheeks. "Five or six years? He stopped when I got strong enough to really fight back. By the time he stopped, Kim was barely 17, and I was scared for her. I stayed there, became a cop, made sure he stayed away from her. I know I shoulda told someone, but.. I didn't wanna take Kim's daddy from her, my mom's husband.. It's stupid now that I think about it. I know they wouldn't blame me, but I didn't know that back then. He was in a car accident 4 years ago. He was finally gone, I didn't need to protect my mom and sister anymore. I got the hell outta there."
She barely got the last sentence out before the tears came flooding out. Relief of telling someone about what she went through, mixed with the pain of having to revision all of it.
"So you turned to gambling? To take your mind off of what you were going through."
She nodded, sniffling. "I remember doing it once when we took a trip to Vegas, I was almost 19, so I was old enough. The first time I played blackjack at a table with random strangers, I won $1000. Carter, my step-dad, taught me all the good card games when I was younger. I knew how to play. It was exhilarating. It made me forget. When I turned 21, I was a full blown addict. Then I threw drinking into the mix. That's when I stopped being good at gambling. I rarely played a game sober."
He nodded, writing some more. He took note of how she'd gone from crying, emotional, to disconnected. He took that as a sign to stop. "I think we've made great progress today. Let's bookmark this conversation. Give you a breather."
She nodded, "thank you."
"So, you said you're suspended. May I ask what you do all day?"
She wipes the tear tracks off of her cheeks, sniffling some more. "I run in the morning, shower, watch some TV…." She trailed off, wondering if she should mention the small amount of time she'd been spending with Olivia. He furrowed his brow, sensing her hesitation, and leaned forward.
She continued. "Lately.. I've been more time around Olivia and her son. I went over to her place after our session on monday. I was upset and didn't want to be alone. I've been trying to open myself up more.. And I find myself trusting her more than anyone."
Dr. Lindstrom nodded, pulling his thin wired glasses off of his nose and intertwined his fingers, resting his elbows on his knees. She knew he was preparing to ask a tough question.
"Amanda, if you don't feel comfortable answering, then you don't have to-"
"Just ask.." She whispers.
"...Have you had any kind of intimate relationship since your step-father passed? Before he passed?"
She gulped, shifting uncomfortably in the leather seat. "I've never gone past kissing anyone. I've never had consensual sex. I've never had a relationship that lasted longer than a few months. He took everything from me."
…
She walked out of the Doctor's building, feeling a different kind of weight pressing on her shoulders. She wished she went to someone earlier. Now, it's all bottled up. Like trying to fit 5 gallons of emotion into a one gallon milk carton. Now that she's opened up a little bit, it's all pouring out. The stream only getting stronger. Cracking the foundation around it.
She's losing control of every aspect of her life. The bad feelings were bubbling up, as well as the ones for Olivia, and it was overwhelming.
She didn't want to be around Olivia ever, for fear that she'd fall deeper for the beautiful brunette. But instead of going home like she told herself to do, she dialed Olivia's number. The woman was becoming a beneficial factor in her process.
Olivia picked up on the third ring. "Hey," the word came out breathy. Amanda feared she'd interrupted something.
"Hi uh, are you busy?" The cool breeze whips against her face as she walks down the crowded sidewalk. She avoids eye contact with anyone as she presses the phone against her ear harder, feeling slightly nervous around people. Especially after what she'd just talked about no more than 10 minutes ago with Dr. Lindstrom.
She heard Olivia sigh on the other end, "No, I just got back from court with Barba.. Long day."
"What's the case?"
"You know I can't tell you that, Amanda."
"Worth a shot." Amanda jokes. She hears Olivia chuckle on the other end, and the sound makes her heart flutter. She rarely hears that sound. It makes her anxiety lessen. "Do you think you'll be done at a decent time?"
"I'm going to try.. Lucy can only stay till 5 today because she has a study group, so I need to hurry and finish by then.."
"I can go watch him so you don't have to rush.." Amanda finds herself offering before she can even think about what she's saying. She loves kids, but her emotional state is in pieces right now. But something in her wants that kind of trust between her and the brunette. That intimacy.
"Oh, Amanda, I can't ask you to do that.." She thought she heard a twinge of relief in the older woman's voice. Olivia wants her to.
"You didn't ask, I offered. Besides, hanging with the little tiger is definitely more fun than being alone.." She hoped Olivia wouldn't ask questions and just accept the offer. Maybe time alone with her son would be good. A good, healthy distraction.
"...Alright. You don't need to go over there until 5 though, and if you need anything, please call, I'll come home, I'll just bring some work with me."
"I think we'll be fine, Liv," Amanda chuckles. She walks past a bar after they hang up, and, even though what she talked about in today's session was extremely rough, she doesn't want to go in for a beer.
She doesn't need it.
…
"Detective Rollins?" Lucy's questioning tone didn't go unnoticed by Amanda, and she smiled.
"Liv is still workin' so I told her I'd take over so you can go to your study group. She didn't wanna hold you up."
"Oh! Well thank you. He's actually been down for his nap since four so he should be up soon. I can show you where Olivia keeps her easy fix foods and his snacks."
Lucy leads Amanda to the kitchen, showing her where everything is and what time she should feed him if Olivia isn't home by then.
20 minutes later, Amanda is standing alone in the quiet upper-west-side apartment of her boss, and a wave of emotion washes over her. Over the past few days, she couldn't stop thinking about the older woman.
She'd never had feelings like this before. Sure, she'd been turned on or attracted to people before, both men and women, but the aspect of going all the way with someone was terrifying. She didn't know if she could ever be able to have consensual sex.
Olivia was waking feelings up inside of her and she couldn't help it. She didn't know how to control this feeling because she'd never experienced it.
She hears a door creak down the hall, seeing Noah appear, rubbing his eyes. "Ama'na dat you?" he asks, sleep in his voice.
"Hi buddy. Lucy had to go so I'm gonna hang out with you until mommy gets home. That okay with you?"
"We play wiff puzzle?"
"Sure! You go get it while I put my stuff down, okay?" The presence of the little boy was doing so much for her. She was starting to slip away from the bad memories, forget her past, even if it was only for a short time. Whoever said kids were the best therapy, was right.
"Otay!"
She sat her bag and jacket on a lounge chair, slipping her shoes off next to it, then made her way to Noah's play area. "which animal do you wanna put together first?"
"Da TIDER!" He growled playfully, scrunching his small button nose in a fake snarl.
"That's your favorite animal, huh?"
"Yes! I be one when I grow up."
"You'll be the bravest one!"
"You bave too!"
Once again, Amanda was floored. He really was such a good boy. Olivia was doing something right.
"Alright, let's get this tiger put together, little cub."
…
Olivia walked through the door around 11 PM, tired and hungry. Amanda looked up from the couch, and smiled slightly when she saw the older woman toss her stuff onto the little table in the entry way.
"I really tried to get away by like.. 7, but Chief Dodds came in and had me go to a meeting with him at, which by the way, was completely unnecessary, and when I got back, Fin had a vic waiting for me in interview."
Amanda arched an eyebrow, amused at the fact that she'd come home and just started ranting. It was cute. "Well, you look hungry, so how about you sit down, relax and I'll bring you your plate."
She heard Olivia sigh as she got up and made her way into the kitchen, then a groan. She looked back, seeing Olivia sprawled out over the couch. "How was Noah?" She heard Olivia ask.
"He was so good. You got yourself a polite kid, there, Liv. He sure loves tigers."
Olivia chuckles, "He does. He's obsessed." sitting up to remove her jacket. Amanda looks up slightly, seeing the expanse of the brunette's chest, the wrinkled silk shirt, curve hugging slacks, and sock covered feet. She was beautiful, even after a long day of working. The older woman stands up, stretching slightly, "Do you mind if I go change? I'll be right back."
"Sure thing." Amanda gulps, looking back down at the container holding leftovers, spooning spaghetti onto a plate.
When Olivia returns, the younger woman had the food set on the table, glass of wine next to it. "Wow. You made spaghetti? Our favorite." She smiles, tieing her shoulder length hair up in an elastic. She wore black leggings and a loose t shirt, and her face was clear of any makeup. Amanda felt odd seeing her boss like this, like she was intruding. She sat down cautiously next to Olivia, twisting her fingers nervously. She watched as Olivia took her first bite of the pasta, and moaned exaggeratedly. "This is amazing."
Amanda rolled her eyes, a slight blush tinging her cheeks, "Please. Spaghetti is easy, and Noah said he wanted some tonight."
"I can't thank you enough for watching him for me tonight."
Amanda waved her off, tucking a strand of blonde hair behind her ear, "It was my pleasure. It was more like he was keepin' an eye on me."
Olivia sipped her wine and furrowed her brow. Amanda saw it register on her face before she asked. "You had your second session today… How was that?"
Amanda had successfully shoved everything to the back of her mind while she was with Noah, and now that all of that was coming back, she felt the urge to cry. Or throw up. Or both. "It was fine. I uh.. It was hard, but I opened up some more. It's just a little unsettling that I'm bringing all of my past up. It's harder now that I've been suppressing it for so long."
Olivia leaned over, placing her hand over Amanda's fidgeting ones, "I can't tell you how proud I am of you for seeking help. I know that you're still upset about being suspended, but trust me when I say that it was needed. You need to take care of you before you can take care of others."
She couldn't get past the feeling of Olivia's skin on hers, fingers softly stroking her own, and the words that had rolled off the older woman's lips. Proud.
"I won't push you to tell me anything, Manda, but I can tell you that I'm here for you. For whatever you need. I care about you." Her deep eyes told a thousand more words than were spoken. Amanda choked back tears as she locked gazes with her boss.
She was fighting a losing battle. Her feelings for Olivia were becoming stronger by the day, and the more she let it consume her, the harder it got to breathe around the older woman. She wasn't even sure of Olivia would feel the same. Last she checked, her lieutenant was straight. But she couldn't fight it.
"I should go home.. It's late." Amanda murmurs, quelling the intense emotions burning through her veins. It was nearing 12:30 AM.
She watched Olivia shake her head as she sipped the rest of her wine, "It's late, you watched my kid, you can stay here tonight." She smiled, setting the empty glass down on the placemat.
She wanted to say no, and yet, she didn't.
"Let me get you a change of clothes, something more comfortable."
Amanda was still the whole time Olivia was gone. A sudden fear washed over her. Thoughts of today's conversation with Dr. Lindstrom flooded her mind. Her step-father was there, in her head.
"No man's gonna want you after I'm done with you. Or woman, somethin' tells me you're a carpet muncher."
"You're never gonna find love as long as I'm around."
He'd said those words countless times, but right now was the most clear. There was no haze of pain or alcohol. They were as sharp and burning as they'd been every time he'd said them. Of course Olivia wouldn't want damaged goods. Amanda would never be able to give the older woman the things she needed.
"Amanda? Honey, what's wrong?" She heard Olivia's concerned voice. When she felt the warm swipe of fingers under her eyes, she realized that she was crying. In front of Olivia. Again.
"I-I'm fine.. Just some bad thoughts s'all."
Olivia led her to the couch, setting the clothes on the arm. She sat down, pulling Amanda down to sit next to her, "Talk to me? What just happened?"
"Just.. The talk with Dr. Lindstrom is hitting finally. Noah helped push it to the back of my mind, but it's just.." She couldn't finish before a fresh set of tears poured down her cheeks.
"What did you talk about?" Olivia asked softly, pulling Amanda into a loose hug, still making eye contact.
Amanda shook her head, resting it on Olivia's shoulder, inhaling the sweet scent of the brunette's skin. "I don't want to talk about it right now." She was going to tell her. Everything. She made a promise to herself that she'd do it, but now was not the right time. She wasn't ready to face the disgust that would surely cross the older woman's face when she found out that she was defiled by her own step-father.
Another intense-ish chapter! I felt angsty tonight. Writing imitates life..(?) I love the reviews that I'm getting from you guys! I feel the love. Be sure to continue to review, it fuels my angsty-rolivia-love fire! Feel free to PM me for questions and/or concerns about the detail that I'm surely going to go into with Amanda's abuse in the upcoming chapters. I don't want to trigger anyone.
-Anna
