Four

('Lookin' Like A Fool With Your Pants On Your Head')

The early-morning sun streamed down through the trees, softly draping a clearing that was usually a peaceful meadow in gentle radiance.

Davin Sunrider, involuntary outlaw, shifted in his sleep, in the final phases of a pleasant dream before he finally had to wake up. He felt the warm rays of the sun upon his face, and in his sleep, he smiled.

Then he felt something move on his stomach and was jolted back to the cold, cruel world.

Davin slowly, carefully opened his eyes and raised his head, looking down at his stomach. On his stomach was a foot.

A man's foot. One that was bare and covered entirely with mud.

Davin's eyes hesitantly followed the line of the leg, also covered with mud, up to a pair of bright green boxer shorts, and then onward up an equally mud-smeared torso to the peacefully sleeping face of the Chosen Hero Link, who still had his pants on his head.

Moving only his head, Davin looked around the clearing at the hippie camp in which he, Link, and Ganondorf had stopped last night after running out of gas. The bonfire was out but still smoking, and around it were an array of passed-out partyers, some in sleeping bags, some just zonked out on the ground.

Davin rolled over, allowing Link's leg to drop to the ground, and for the second time in twenty-four hours, slowly and painfully used a pine tree to haul himself upright. He looked down with distaste at his mud-smeared T-shirt beneath his green plaid flannel shirt, and contemptuously flicked some of the mud back at its owner.

Link snorted in his sleep and rolled over, but did not wake up. Davin suspected he would be sleeping for a while yet, judging from his activities last night. In case Link didn't remember, Davin was definitely more than happy to remind him. He was only sorry he didn't have a video camera.

"I wonder if I can get any coffee around here that isn't spiked with something," Davin muttered to himself, running a hand through his hair and yawning. He attempted to smooth down his unruly beard next, but gave up upon realizing he'd already put more effort into personal grooming than anyone else here.

Davin picked his way through the remnants of last night's bonfire shindig-or whatever the hippies called it-and looked for his other unwanted traveling companion.

As expected, Davin located the Dark Lord quickly. More specifically, he located Ganondorf's gigantic feet, which, along with part of his legs, protruded a full foot and a half out of a small tent near the bonfire.

Davin briefly considered waking Ganondorf up, but then decided not to, on the grounds that he probably didn't want to see what else was in the tent.

Moving on, Davin staggered off to his dark blue pickup, which had miraculously escaped unharmed. Two pairs of feet were visible between the rear tires, but that was it.

"And that is why you always lock your doors, children," Davin said to himself, fumbling in his pocket for his keys. "So that people with the munchies don't raid your junk food stash."

As he unlocked his truck door, Davin realized he was the first person to wake up, probably because he was very likely the sole individual in the forest camp that had not indulged in a perception-altering substance last night. He climbed inside, leaving the door open so as not to make noise.

Davin grabbed a package of beef jerky from under his seat, ripped it open, and munched thoughtfully as he looked at the forest through his windshield and open door. It actually was quite pretty here; he could see why the hippies had chosen this spot.

At the sound of someone with a very deep voice yawning behind him, Davin turned to see Ganondorf standing a few feet away, stretching as he leisurely approached.

"Aah! Cannot unsee!" Davin exclaimed, quickly turning his head away; Ganondorf was 'at one with nature'.

"Good morning," the Dark Lord said amiably, stopping next to the truck. "Any more of that left?"

"Dude," Davin said, covering his eyes with one hand, "could you please stand on the other side of the door? Please?"

When he dared to peek through his fingers, Ganondorf had complied, and was now reaching through the door's open window, his hand held out for the package of beef jerky. Davin handed it to him, never so glad in his life his truck had solid steel doors. Opaque steel doors.

"I'm glad we stopped here," Ganondorf said with a grin as he reached into the package.

"Yeah, I bet you are," Davin grumbled. "Have you gotten a better fix on where Zelda is yet?"

"That way," said Ganondorf, pointing with the hand holding the jerky while he scratched his hairy chest with the other. "Perhaps another day's journey, if we do not get lost."

Davin consulted his map. "That'd put her somewhere in Missouri or Illinois, I think." He looked up at Ganondorf, careful to hold the map between them. "Can you be more specific?"

"Let me see that," Ganondorf said, taking the map. He stared intently at it for a moment, calculating distance, then looked back up at the forest in the direction he had indicated, and then looked back at the map. "Here," he said, tapping the map with one finger.

Davin looked where he was pointing. "Chicago," he said. "Okay then. Now we know where we're going besides 'east somewhere' finally. You're sure?"

Ganondorf looked at the map again. "I am sure," he said with finality. "Once we are closer, I will be able to locate her more accurately."

"You've never been able to do this in any of the games I've played," Davin said suspiciously. "Why can you suddenly know exactly where the other Bearers are now?"

Ganondorf shrugged. "It's convenient to the plot."

"Plot of what?" Davin said, surprised

"My plot to seize the Triforce," said Ganondorf. "Besides, I have always been able to do this. If I just wanted to find Link and kill him, I would. It's actually both more convenient and more amusing to just let him come to me. My minions and I enjoy watching him struggle through the dungeons."

"Especially ol' Pants-On-His-Head over there," Davin said, gesturing off toward where Link still dozed on the ground. "I imagine he doesn't get many things right on the first try."

Ganondorf adopted a teasing grin, reaching through the door to lay a giant hand on Davin's arm. "And yet, he still manages to get more girls than you."

"Oh, shut up and go find your pants!"


About an hour later, Davin got tired of waiting and strolled over to Link.

"Hey, Sleeping Dummy!" Davin said, kicking his foot. "Wake up already!"

Link snorted and suddenly sat up. His trousers slipped down over his nose, completely covering his head. "I don't want to alarm you," Link said slowly, "but I think I've gone blind."

Davin decided to amuse himself. "Pants on your head," he sang to the tune of a similarly themed song. "Pants on your head. Lookin' like a fool with your pants on your head!"

Link reached up to his face, and, upon encountering his trousers, yanked them away. "Oh," he said, embarrassed. He looked around, confusion passing across his bleary face. "Where's my sword?"

"If you put your pants on, I might let you have it back," Davin replied. "But until I'm sure you're no longer under the influence of any mind-altering substances, I think it's best if we don't let you have weapons."

"That's probably a good idea," said Ganondorf, whose pants were, thankfully, neither on his head nor on the ground, but right where they were supposed to be. He still had yet to put on his shirt, but Davin was likely the only one unhappy with this.

"Where's that damned 'squee'-ing coming from?" Davin demanded irritably of thin air.

Thin air, being, as it was, thin air, did not reply.

Davin scoffed and irritably stalked off to find someone who would give him a gallon or two of gas.


Later, when they were on the road again, Davin sat with one hand on the wheel of his truck, the other arm resting in the window frame, and sang along to the Metallica song pounding from the speakers.

Link, sitting miserably between Davin and Ganondorf, reached for the stereo controls yet again, and was again blocked by Ganondorf, who was also singing along, since he knew this one.

"Can you please turn this down?" Link said, cradling his head. "I've got such a headache right now..."

"No," said Davin. "I'm not the one who didn't listen to me and ate that brownie and spent the night stoned out of his mind running around howling at the moon." He bobbed his head to the music for a moment, then looked back over at Link. "Besides, this could be your theme song." He looked the Chosen Nuisance over and frowned. "Well, a much cooler version of you, anyway."

"Of wolf!" sang Ganondorf, ignoring both of them. "...and man!"

"Sing it, evil man!" Davin enthused, throwing up the metal horns with his other hand. As they cruised on down the highway, he and Ganondorf indulged in a bit of head-banging in time to the music.

When he glanced up to see Link with his hands pressed over his ears, Davin laughed. "And you wonder why people keep going over to the Dark Side."


"Man, Kansas is boring!" Davin observed some hours later as they passed, big surprise, another cornfield. "Where's the mountains?"

"It is somewhat disconcerting to be able to see this far without seeing anything of note," Ganondorf agreed.

"It's too flat!" Davin went on. "And where's the trees? There's nothing here but corn!"

"What's wrong with corn?" Link said a tad defensively.

"Nothing; it's delicious," said Davin. "I'm just used to being able to see something in the distance besides... more nothing."

"Well, maybe someone who lives in Kansas wouldn't appreciate you describing their home as 'boring'!" Link argued. "What's so exciting about where you live?"

Davin considered this for a moment. "Nothing, really," he allowed. "Just exchange sagebrush for corn and mountains for nothing, and it's pretty much the same."

"Well all right then!" Link said peevishly.

Davin glanced over at him. "Is there a particular reason you're so grumpy today?" He looked back up at the road, then back at Link. "Or does this have something to do with Ganondorf making you ride in the back through the rest of Colorado?"

"It was cold!" Link exclaimed. "And you guys didn't let me find my shirt before we left the hippies!"

"Dude, your shirt was long gone," Davin replied. "Just be glad I managed to talk you out of burning your pants last night, too."

"You could at least give me something besides this!" Link said, pulling at the loaned T-shirt he was wearing.

"Hey, man, you got mud on it," said Davin. "It's yours now."

"Will you two shut up?" Ganondorf growled, leaning his head back on his seat. "I'm trying to sleep here."

"How can you sleep through this rack-" Link began before Davin gave him a warning look. "Er, lovely music?"

"I've been fighting wars since I was fourteen," said Ganondorf. "This is relaxing to me."

"That may be the very first time I've ever heard anyone describe Epica as 'relaxing'," Davin said amusedly.


Most of Kansas later, they decided to stop for the night at an interesting-looking roadside motel. Apparently, a metal-working artist lived there, because a large number of welded farm equipment-turned sculptures decorated the side of the turn off the highway and the area around the motel. Davin was particularly impressed with a set of harvester blades that had been reshaped into an eagle, its outstretched wings beckoning them to the waiting white and blue building.

As Davin pulled the truck into the parking lot, the white-haired older man behind the desk waved to them from behind the office windows. Davin waved back as he eased the truck to a stop.

"Lot of cars here," Davin observed. "I hope they still have a few rooms left."

"I'll make sure we are granted accommodations," Ganondorf said, shrugging back into his leather jacket as they crossed the parking lot.

Davin stepped in front of him. "Could we please go one day without committing a felony?" he pleaded. "I really don't think it's necessary to terrorize this guy, do you?"

"You're paying for it, then," Ganondorf said as they neared the office.

"There's a shocker," Davin muttered under his breath.

"How're you doin', fellas?" the motel owner said amiably as the three of them came inside the office. His shoulder-length white hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and a goatee framed his mouth, surrounded by laugh lines. He extended a hand over the counter to Davin. "Name's Jerry."

"Davin," the young writer replied. "That's Link, and... Gary." He turned back to Jerry. "Got any rooms left?"

"Pleasure to meet you," said Jerry. "Sorry, just one, and it's a single-bed."

There was little dispute about who would be getting the bed; Ganondorf took the key from Jerry and headed out of the office.

Jerry gestured over his shoulder with a thumb. "I've got an old army cot in the back, but just the one. Sorry, but one of you two's gonna have to sleep on the floor."

"Not it!" Davin said, but a half-second too late; Link beat him to it.

"How do you know 'not it'?" Davin demanded incredulously.

Link scoffed. "Everyone knows 'not it'," he said. "Don't like it, sleep in your truck, Glasses Fish."

Davin heaved a long-suffering sigh and reached for his wallet.


The next day, Ganondorf drove the rest of the way through Kansas and most of Missouri, and managed to restrain himself to magically/explosively disabling just two other vehicles, one of which was a motorcycle cop who furnished a replacement for the mirrored sunglasses Ganondorf had misplaced back in the hippie encampment. Davin fumed from the passenger seat, but, as usual, could do little other than complain and silently thank whatever force governed his life that the Dark Lord still hadn't killed anyone yet.

Davin nodded off at some point in Missouri, and when the truck slowing to a rather abrupt stop woke him up, it was dark outside and the glowing lights of skyscraper windows and streetlights told him they were in a city.

"Where are we?" he mumbled sleepily.

"Chicago," Ganondorf replied. "Zelda is very close by."

As he put his glasses back on, Davin looked around some more and recognized one of the few Chicago landmarks he knew. "Hey, it's that mirror-bean thingy. Let's go take a picture!"

"No," Ganondorf replied. "We need to find Zelda."

"Oh, look," Davin said snarkily. "We're doing what Ganondorf wants to do. How incredibly un-freaking-precedented."

"Be quiet, or I'll make you ride in the back with Link," Ganondorf growled.

Davin looked over his shoulder through the back window at Link, who was huddled against Ganondorf's motorcycle with the hood of the green sweatshirt they'd bought him in a store in Missouri cinched tight around his face, only his nose and eyes visible.

Ganondorf drove purposefully through the streets, grumbling at occasional traffic, while Davin made the best of the situation and gawked at the big-city lights. A country boy through-and-through, he spent little time in large cities, and while he didn't want to live in one, he did enjoy the occasional visit.

Finally, they slowed to a stop in what appeared to be the fashion district, judging by the large number of stores with huge windows displaying a staggering variety of clothing. Even this late at night, the sidewalks flowed with people of all sizes, shapes, and colors.

Literally all colors; Davin watched a man who was bright orange from head to toe walk nonchalantly past the truck, idly talking to a woman who was similarly dressed and painted neon blue. No one else on the sidewalk spared them a second glace, and the man gave Davin a 'What are you looking at?' look when he saw him staring.

"She's in there," Ganondorf said, pointing to a shop down the block. "She has been in that building all day; I suspect she works there."

Davin eyed the high-end boutique thoughtfully, then looked back over at the Dark Lord. "They are never going to let the three of us into a place like that. Especially you, Baron Von Biker-Brute. They'll trip the silent alarm the second you walk in, for sure."

"Then we will wait here, and follow Zelda back to wherever she stays the night," Ganondorf said, leaning forward over the wheel as he looked through the boutique's windows for the princess.

"Yeah, 'cause that won't look suspicious," Davin said dryly. "Three scruffy men in a pickup following a pretty young woman through the fashion district at night. No one will ever think we're up to something."

Ganondorf pointed as a young woman emerged from the boutique and started down the sidewalk. "There she is."

It took Davin a moment, but as he looked closer, he recognized Princess Zelda. She wore modern, fashionable clothing under a long dark red coat, and her hair was subtly arranged to cover the tops of her pointed ears, but it was definitely her. She idly glanced in their direction, but gave no sign of having spotted them before continuing onward.

Ganondorf started the truck and eased out of the parking space, slowly following Zelda as she headed for a bus stop a few blocks away.

"What did you do with your day, today, Davin?" the young writer sarcastically asked himself. "Well, Davin, I helped a formerly fictional Dark Lord stalk and probably kidnap a princess, adding another 'accessory' charge to my already-impressive arrest warrant." He put on a sarcastically cheerful smile. "I'm going to be shot on sight by every cop in the city!"

"Quiet," growled Ganondorf. "And tell the idiot in the back to stay down."

Davin sighed as he rolled down his window. "This isn't going to end well..."


Author's Note: Thanks to Silverwolf05 for the suggestion that Zelda be the only one of the Three to perfectly blend in and work in fashion; it both made more sense and created more opportunities for jokes than my original idea. I'll have more fun with that next chapter. Also thanks to all the readers and reviewers; it's great to know you're having as much fun with this as I am.

Davin the Dark Side Comedian will return in, "You Have The Right To Remain Silent, Your Evilness," coming soon.