"Help?" Watanuki replied pointedly. "Yuuko-san, you're just sitting on the couch."
"Why, of course I am!" Yuuko giggled. "Let's get to work, hmm?" She didn't move.
Watanuki adjusted his glasses. "Yuuko-san, for me to help with cleaning there has to be someone else doing work..." he broke off, seeing as Yuuko had already moved on to welcoming a plate of treats and sake from the twins with loud and appreciative cooing. Watanuki sighed. "Never mind."
"So, Watanuki-kun," Yuuko's voice stopped him as he made to pick up the mop and bucket already placed thoughtfully at the door. The twins had quieted down from their earlier attempts to serve Mokona on a platter along with the drinks, and were now sitting demurely on either side of Yuuko's dais. Watanuki looked up in apprehension.
"What now?"
"Anything you want to tell me?"
Obviously, it was foolish to hope that Yuuko's powers had been magically leeched away during the night. She was just as painfully observant as usual, her unearthly eyes shining with teasing calmness as she watched her employee squirm.
"Ah... the book..."
"What about it?"
Watanuki bit his lip. "Somebody got it... has it... who I don't exactly want reading it."
"Doumeki-kun, I assume?" The dimensional witch rested her head on a pillow, staring at him sideways through the haze of smoke from a pipe that had materialized who-knows-when. Watanuki wrinkled his nose at the smell, more in reflex than actual disgust.
"Uh... yeah. Him."
"And may I ask how our august mutual acquaintance came by this coveted property?"
Watanuki rapidly thought of several ways to disagree with the exact wording of that question, before deciding to just save himself the trouble and answer it.
"He stole it, of course!"
Yuuko laughed. "Oh, 'of course', he says. You would think Doumeki-kun were a burglar and in the habit of snatching away precious things! Or perhaps he is, eh, Watanuki-kun?" Her expression was the facial equivalent of elbowing someone teasingly in the ribs. Watanuki flinched and ground his teeth. "Oh, oh, don't answer that! Yuuko said happily. "I can see you don't want to!
"Ah, but I understand," she continued. "And now you're afraid that he's going to crack the code on that pretty little tome and spill all the secrets of your heart, isn't that right? Well, I can assure you of one thing: he won't figure out how to read it."
Watanuki felt the melting sensation of relief sweep over him.
"He won't need to, after all," said Yuuko calmly.
The melting sensation disappeared, replaced with a rather rapid re-crystallization of anxiety.
"Excuse me?"
Yuuko sighed. "Sit down, Watanuki-kun."
"It's what?" Watanuki asked for the fourth time, uncertainty sketching itself across his forehead. "I still don't get it."
"That book," Yuuko repeated slowly, "Is a physical manifestation of the conflict between your subconscious mind and the workings of your prefrontal cortex. It's here to stop the repression of certain emotions not generally welcomed by your psyche and bring them into the realm of conscious thought."
"Which means?"
"You're in denial, Watanuki-kun."
"I AM NOT!"
Yuuko laugh uproariously, knocking back yet another glass of sake. "Yes, you are," she snickered. "See? You're denying it right now."
"What? I can't deny that I'm in denial, that wouldn't make any sense!"
"And now you're denying that you're denying that you're in denial."
"NO! I deny the idea that I am denying that I'm denying that I'm denying... wait, that's too many 'denying's..."
"You see what I mean? Anyway, you asked for my opinion, Watanuki dear. And I'm giving it to you! You, my friend, are madly in love with Doumeki-kun and the book is here to make you admit that."
Watanuki slumped against the wall, his long pale hand draped across his eyes like a shield against the waves of headache-inducing madness issuing from his employer's mouth. "Why me?" he asked, not entirely rhetorically. "Even assuming you're right about all this (which you are NOT, by the way), then why not... oh, I don't know... someone else? Or why not every person with a messed up mind and a secret? How come there aren't just swarms and swarms of insane stalker books chasing everyone, everywhere, all the time?"
Yuuko tutted. "You should know better than to ask that question, Watanuki-kun. While other people might just feel the book's presence as a pressing urge to acknowledge the truth, you actually have a spirit strong enough to create an object, something real and concrete! Not everyone has that power. So really, it's your gift to have that book."
"Hmph."
"...Aaaaafter all, without it you might spend the rest of your days a lonely bachelor!"
"AS IF!"
"In all seriousness, though," Yuuko said suddenly, reverting back to her mysterious persona. "You do have something of a problem now, with this book in Doumeki-kun's possession. You see, you can't hide your thoughts forever. Any day now, the words in that book are going to become clearer, resolve themselves into sentences and pages, and reveal your... wandering consciousness, shall we say? And I'm certain you don't want that." Watanuki shook his head fervently. Yuuko sighed in feigned regret.
"Well, I cannot destroy the book for you, as it is a part of yourself. Not to mention that the effort on my part would incur a debt equal to a bond of employment rather longer than your projected life span. Nor can I hide it from Doumeki-kun. That leaves you with four choices:
"You can simply allow the magic of the book to run its course." Watanuki made a face to indicate that this option would occupy the same level of hell as having his fingernails pried off while watching the twins perform teletubbies scripts. "Yes, I thought so," Yuuko said carelessly, examining her nails.
"Option number two: you can tell Doumeki-kun exactly how you feel, thereby removing the need for the book's existence." Watanuki made a face similar to his previous one, except with a little more violent loathing and fear. "Not so likely, hmm? Too bad.
"Option number three: you can stop thinking that way about your beloved archer."
Watanuki looked thoughtful, as though considering this idea. "I suppose I could work on that," he said doubtfully. "Not that there's much to work on, in my opinion."
The dimensional witch snorted and rolled her eyes in weary resignation. "Is that so? Watch this. And then," she recited dramatically, as though from a memorized text, "Doumeki swept down and drew the other boy into a gentle, poetic kiss, his tongue soft in Watanuki's mouth, dark hair sweeping against the pale skin of his— Oh, for goodness' sake, Watanuki-kun, I didn't even finish the sentence!" Yuuko exclaimed in exasperation to her furiously blushing servant. "Do you really think that you can remove every incriminating thought from your head with reactions like that?"
"It's NOT my FAULT!" yelled Watanuki, attempting to force the blood back out of his brain before any more deeply disturbing images had a chance to sneak out of his over-active imagination. "It's YOURS for saying such weird things!"
"Ah, young love," Yuuko reminisced to no one in particular.
"SHADDUP!"
"Whaaaaat? Don't be so mean to your wonderful employer!"
Really, there was a point at which one lost civility in the face of provocation, no matter how badly one wished to remain calm. Watanuki was teetering on that point, and he knew it. He closed his eyes and attempted to meditate on all possible ramifications of the statement "Bad things happen to those who attack omnipotent vengeful sorceresses." (In reality, there weren't too many ramifications to consider, but they were all sufficiently worrisome to eliminate any thoughts of serious retaliation.)
"Yuuko-san," he said, in what he considered a highly rational and controlled manner, "What, then, is my last option?"
Yuuko turned over onto her stomach and chuckled softly, obviously savoring what she was about to say. Watanuki very much doubted that it was something helpful. An icy feeling of dread began to settle slowly from the back of his throat down to somewhere into his toes, sending resigned shivers along the length of his spine.
"Why... steal it back, of course," the dimensional witch replied with a wicked grin.
Merry Christmas!
