Chapter 4
I don't know how long I've been calibrating the Normandy's guns. I do know that the meeting ended shortly after I left the room and the team has gone their separate ways, Joker and EDI probably returning to the cockpit and everyone else to the stations they adopted when Shepard was still here.
"…Garrus…"
I freeze for a moment before turning to look around. I know that voice. But she's not here. Of course, she's not! You've been working too long.
I force myself to step away for a moment. But that doesn't exactly help. I'm standing right where I was last year when I returned to the ship…
"Garrus," Shepard smiled as she walked up to me, "Didn't waste any time getting to work, I see."
I stepped away from my work enough to face her. "After what I've been through lately, calibrating a giant gun is a vacation. Gives me something to focus on."
"We're gonna need you for more than your aim."
"Oh, I'm ready for it. But I'm pretty sure we'll still need giant guns. And lots of them."
"Can't argue with that."
Once that exchange was over and I had my work at a point where I could stop, I turned to face her completely, giving her all of my attention. "Yeah. So…is this the part where we…shake hands? Wasn't sure about the protocol on reunions…or if you even still felt the same way about me." I stopped myself before I fell too deep into it, digging myself out the only way I knew how: "The scars are starting to fade. I remember they drove you wild."
She laughed. I never got to hear her laugh, not often enough. I loved it.
"But I can go out and get all new ones if it'll help," I smirked, drawing closer.
She smiled back, pulling closer as well. "I haven't forgotten our time together."
"Well…I've been doing some more research on human customs—"
She cut me off by pulling me in and kissing my scars. She leaned back, smiling so brightly that her emerald eyes sparkled. "That's the protocol on reunions."
I smiled back. "The vids mentioned it might go something like that. I mean…I had hoped…I didn't know…"
She looked down at my hands, taking them in hers. "I can't promise how things will work out. Not with this war. But I missed you, Garrus. I thought about you a lot."
"Glad to know my romantic…skills made an impression."
I lean against the wall, looking down at my feet. Even after all this time, I still can't get her out of my head. Even now, the memories take me over.
"The only thing that made leaving Earth bearable was knowing you were out there somewhere."
"I felt the same way. The worst part about the galaxy going to hell would've been never getting to see you again."
"Well, here I am…exactly where I want to be. I love you, Garrus Vakarian."
It's like I can still feel her in my arms. "…I'm not sure what to do."
I hear her laugh again. "You grab the girl and kiss her like you mean it."
I feel the memory blanket me as I remember the rush of taking her in my arms and kissing her at the top of the Presidium. One of the greatest moments of my entire life. Most of which were with her.
I can't take it anymore. I've done all I can for the moment, so I leave the room. I head past the med bay, the XO office, and the mess hall to the elevator. I turn away before my gaze catches on the memorial wall again. I can't handle that. I quickly open the elevator doors and step in.
I stop when I realize that I don't know where to go. First instinct tells me to leave the elevator and go see Liara. My second thought is to go down a level to engineering and talk to Tali. I'm even tempted to head up to the CIC and speak with Joker and EDI. But I finally realize I still need to be alone. I need…oh…right.
So I take the elevator up to the top level and go straight to the captain's cabin.
I find it almost completely undisturbed. I heard it was a human custom to honor the dead by leaving their belongings how they left them. Of course, someone has to have been up here every day for the past year (probably Traynor), because the fish and the hamster seem very well cared for.
I step over to her bed, placing my hand over the sheets. It reminds me of the time we spent lying on it together after the suicide mission, doing nothing more than being together and sometimes falling asleep in each other's arms. It doesn't feel right being in here without her, like I'm invading her private space somehow. But at the same time, it feels like this is the only place I should be.
"…Garrus…"
I instantly start looking around. OK, that time, I KNOW I heard something! I search for the location of the mysterious voice that sounds so much like hers. I think I catch sight of something in the bathroom so I go to look, but it's empty. This is the smallest deck on the whole ship, so there aren't many places they could be hiding. But I look through all of them and come up empty.
I lean against the wall, wondering what could be happening. Is it possible I'm actually losing my mind? No…no, I just need to rest. I start to turn around and head back to the elevator.
I stop after one step. No. Not on the crew deck. I turn back around and walk over to her bed. I lie down on it and fall asleep remembering all the nights I spent here with her in my arms.
Including our last.
…
I feel her wrapped around me. I feel her flesh against mine, warm and calming. I feel as though she's part of me, something I can't live without.
"Never let go of me," I hear her whisper, her voice making my heart beat again after such a long silence.
"Wouldn't dream of it," I whisper back.
"…you let go of me once…"
"…and I'll never do it again."
She leans against me, as if she needs my strength to stay on her feet. "I love you, Garrus Vakarian."
"I love you, Sara Shepard."
"…you never use my first name."
"Out of respect. But that's not what matters now. Not anymore."
She pulls away just enough to look in my eyes. I feel frozen in her gaze, like I no longer have the will to turn away. "I've lost everything, Garrus. I lost my family on Earth, my unit on Akuze…I can't lose you, too."
"I know the feeling. But that won't happen. Not as long as we stay together."
"…there's no Shepard without Vakarian."
I ache to pull her closer again but something is wrong. It's not that I no longer have the will to move. I can't.
She keeps a hold of my hand as she takes a step back, not breaking her gaze from mine. "If one of us goes…we both do."
Something is very wrong. I don't realize how wrong until I feel the water at my feet. "Uh…we should probably get out of here before it floods."
"What's the worst that could happen?"
"You obviously haven't seen turians swim. It's a lot of flailing and splashing interrupted by occasional bouts of…drowning."
"You said you'd never let me go again."
I still can't move and she won't let go of me. But I was right: it is flooding. As I realize the danger, I almost hear it around us…that terrifying mechanical roar we've all come to associate with imminent death. A moment later, we're both dragged under. Only now can I move. So I start doing everything I can to get back where there's air. But now she's the one that can't move. The only way either of us will reach the surface is if I let go.
"…you said you'd never let me go again…"
"…I won't…I never will…I can't lose you again…" So I hold on…even as the water starts to reach my lungs and that nightmarish, thunderous sound echoes around us—
"GARRUS!"
I'm shocked awake by a combination of my name being shouted in my ear and my back slamming against the wall with biotic force.
Two seconds later, my vision clears enough for me to see Liara crouching beside me. "Are you OK?! EDI called me up here. She said your vital signs were showing great distress. When I found you, you were…writhing in pain. It was like you couldn't breathe. I've been trying to wake you for the past two minutes."
I realize now that I am breathing hard. Like what happened in the dream was actually real. "I…I don't understand…"
"What happened?"
I bring my eyes up to meet hers and see her genuine, deep-seated concern for me. I owe her the truth. I sigh and let it out: "I was dreaming about Shepard."
She visibly reacts to this, her concern now flecked with sorrow. "And…how did this cause you such distress?"
I reluctantly relate everything to her, even mentioning how I've been hearing her voice since the attack as if she's reaching for me from somewhere.
Liara finally sighs, sitting down on the floor beside me and leaning against the wall with me. "It sounds as if some remnant of the poison is still within your bloodstream, causing hallucinations and violent seizures. You should probably speak with Dr. Chakwas. She has the data on the cure and can synthesize more if it's necessary—"
"That'll ease the physical pain," I counter, "What about the psychological?"
Liara has no answer for that.
I lean against the wall again. "How do you live with it, Liara?"
"Normally, I just bury myself in my work."
"Tried that. Doesn't work for me. Everything I do reminds me of her." I turn to look at her. "How am I supposed to go on like this?"
Liara simply looks at her hands on her knees. "I honestly don't know."
I follow her example and turn to look at my feet again. Like in the dream, I no longer have the will to fight it. My heart feels weak as the memories overflow, but now she is the only thing I can think about.
After what seems like hours, Liara stands up and holds her hand out.
I take it, letting her give me the strength to stand and lead me to the elevator and finally to the med bay. Once again, I move along almost mindlessly, weighted down by the memory of Commander Sara Shepard.
…she'd always had a fire to her…a rage that only displayed itself to her enemies but came out so forcefully that some people likened her to a krogan, including Wrex and Grunt themselves…not to mention a passion for life that few could match…one of the things I love and miss most about her…
I stand off to the side in saddened silence as Liara relates the situation to Dr. Chakwas. I listen distantly, not caring what they say.
…she had a spark of mischief as well…I remember watching as we entered the scientific facility on Sur'Kesh, as she examined a console only to be reprimanded and started poking it specifically to annoy the solider watching over the system…I remember how she liked to mess with me…I never thought I would miss it so much…
I devote some of my attention to the situation at present as Dr. Chakwas starts to examine me, but I fall back into the grief carelessly as she goes to interpret the data.
…she was smart, too…her strategy was what brought all of us through the suicide mission alive…she always seemed to know what had to be done…and she trusted all of us with her life…she was the greatest and wisest soldier I'd had the pleasure to know…that was why I came to respect her…and love her…
I think I'm staring off into space blankly. I must be fiddling with my hands nervously because I feel Liara place her fingers over mine to stop it. It feels nice to have a friend there for me…she was my last.
…she was kindhearted before anything else…she did everything she could for everyone she could, refused to leave a man behind…the visions from the Prothean beacon really hurt her because of that…she even tried to save Saren when the time came…she cared about all of us like family, took time off from preparing for the battle against the Collectors specifically to help each of us…that must be why she felt so much for me…why we became friends…and why I first began to fall in love with her…
"…this could be a problem…" I hear Dr. Chakwas say, bringing me out of the shadow of memory.
"What is it?" Liara asks.
"The toxin spread farther than we thought. That's why the single dose of the cure was only enough to free him from the comatose state but still left these side effects. We're going to need a constant stream of it over a course of three days, something we don't have the resources for."
"Let me worry about that. Just get the first dose and we can handle it from there."
"It's not just that. I think some sort of emotional distress is triggering the worst of it."
That gets my attention completely. "You're saying my grief is killing me?"
"To put it simply, yes."
I sigh. "Well. Now we do have a problem."
Liara looks at me. "I…I might be able to help you."
Good old Liara, always has an answer for everything. But I can't help wondering what she could have in mind that could possibly do anything to ease the pain. Still, I go along with it, not even bothering to chase away the memories flooding my senses. I don't notice Dr. Chakwas administering the antitoxin until it's already done and Liara is pulling me away again, this time to the XO office.
"Actually managed to keep Miranda out of your new quarters?" I smirk in an attempt to at least seem like my old self. The part of me that died with Shepard.
"Since it's still outfitted for the Shadow Broker," Liara explains as she shoos off Glyph, "we agreed her needs were better suited in the life support bunk, once it was equipped with a working console. But we're not here to talk about that, Garrus." Once Glyph is out of sight, she seals the door.
"So what do you have in mind?"
"…I believe I can connect my mind to yours and keep you from drowning in the memories further."
I look away. "You know about that?"
"Anyone could see it, Garrus. I know how much she meant to you and how much it hurt to lose her. I cared about her, too, even if not in the way you did. But she wouldn't want you to suffer like this."
I sigh. "No, you're right. She cared about us more than she cared about herself."
"Which is why she gave her life for us. But, most especially, for you."
I look at her again. "You really think you can help?"
"Believe it or not, it's common asari therapy, a method I myself have employed through the years. Besides, if we don't try, you might not wake up from the next attack."
I don't like the idea of having someone else in my mind. But Shepard trusted her to do it. Four times. And anything is better than killing myself with the grief. "So how does this work?"
"We'll just have to find out."
Right, 'cause that's not unnerving. Regardless, I signal for her to go ahead.
So she steps closer, closes her eyes… "Embrace eternity…" …and opens them to reveal that they are now entirely black.
…I can feel her inside me. Not Liara…Shepard.
"…Sara…" That's all I can say before she takes my hand again. She fills my sight again, but this time it doesn't paralyze me. This time it's all the comfort I have in the galaxy. I feel her arms around me, pulling me closer as if I'm all the strength she has. There were times when the war was too much for her and that was the part I played: her strength. I longed to have those days back, not just to hold her in my arms again but for us to need each other. I have it now. I know that she misses me as much I have missed her. The memory of our love doesn't matter now…not as much as it matters to stay in this moment.
It's both a second and an eternity before Liara breaks the connection. I can instantly tell how much it has taken out of her—just like when she translated the Prothean visions, even if not as strenuous.
But I can't resist the urge to ask her: "I know you said you'd done this before but…it felt too real. How did you do that?"
"…when we connected…the night she died…I saw as much of her mind as she did of mine. I've carried that with me for a year now." She finally sighs and walks over to the bed. "I'm sorry. I need to rest."
"It's alright, I'll go." I start to walk over to the door but stop myself. I turn back to her. "Liara…"
She looks at me almost weakly.
"…thank you."
She gives me a gentle smile and turns her attention back to resting.
Now I leave. All the memories that have been torturing me for over a year have subsided to the inner corners of my mind again. The haunting, paralyzing thoughts I was filled with only an hour ago are now replaced by the feeling of her spirit inside my mind, alive because of what she left with us.
Instinctively, I head back to the main battery, more than ready to start calibrating it again. Instead, I start going through the console looking for something else to occupy my time. Eventually, I start conversing with old squad-mates over the COMMs. They all initially check on my wellbeing (each in their own way) before we start discussing the mission at hand and reminiscing the old ones.
It feels good to have my second family back again. Even if it is slightly damaged.
