The phone rings and Flagg1991 picks it up. "This is the request line."
"I want to see Leni failing to answer an easy question, and as punishment a family member would be killed (or whatever you want, I just want to see her being berated for her idiocy)."
An evil grin touches Flagg1991's lips. "That sounds like fun."
He puts the phone down and turns to the Loud family. Kenny Rogers is standing behind the couch, looking fat and old. "Hey, Kenny, take that tape offa Leni's mouth."
Nodding, Kenny rips the tape off Leni's mouth, and she lets out a pitiful "Ouch!"
"Leni, honey," Flagg1991 says, "where are your sunglasses?"
They're on the top of her head. Like they always are (does she ever even wear them?).
"Hmmm," Leni says, cocking her head. "I don't know."
Flagg1991 sighs. "Kenny, slap that dumb bitch in her head."
Kenny smacks Leni's head. A hollow clunk fills the room. "Ow!"
"Leni...what's 2 plus 2?"
"Uhhh...Monday?"
Flagg1991 laughs. "You're really fucking stupid, you know that? I mean, do you even have a brain in that head of yours? You're a moron, an idiot, a goddamn retard, it's people like you who bring the rest of society down. Have you ever had sex, Leni? I hope to God you haven't and I hope to God you don't, because just knowing that you're running around and potentially polluting the gene pool scares me. It fucking scares me. The thought that one of my descendants will one day met up with one of yours and have sex makes me want to cut my penis off and never procreate. You're so dumb, and everyone pities you, Leni. They pity how goddamn retarded you are."
"I seen some dumb motherfuckers in my time," Kenny says, "but you take the cake." He laughs. "I mean, you got to be the dumbest girl ever. You make Dolly Parton look like a rocket scientist, and let me tell you, Dolly is dumb."
Leni breaks down crying.
"Aw," Flagg1991 says, "look at the little dumb baby crying. Boo-hoo-hoo."
Kenny leans over the couch next to Leni. "Boo-fucking-hoo."
"Dumbass."
"Idjit."
"Failure."
"Braindead."
Leni sobs harder.
"If you had a couple more IQ points, you'd qualify for special ed."
"You're so dumb," Kenny says, "that you can't even drool down your chin."
"There's a place for people like you, Leni. It's called Auschwitz."
Kenny knocked on her skull. "Hello? Anybody home?" He looks up. "Nope. Empty."
"Hey, Leni, how do you spell 'Leni'?"
"D-U-M-B-A-S-S," Kenny says.
The phone rings and Flagg1991 picks it up. "Talk to me."
"I can kill you. I have written more stories than you have and I will tear your throats out with my teeth. Then I will shove your carcasses into a woodchipper."
"Come on if you think you have the stones. Next caller."
"Have Lana eat all of her animals."
"Ew," Flagg1991 says. "That's gross...I love it. Kenny, go grab all of Lana's animals."
Five minutes later, Kenny returns with an armful of repitiles and other shit. Flagg1991 takes a lizard from Kenny, goes over to Lana, and rips the tape off her mouth. "Hope you're hungry, little girl, 'cause it's dinner time."
"No..." Lana says, shaking her head.
"Yes," Flagg1991 says, nodding.
"I won't."
Flagg1991 backhands the piss out of Rita Loud. Literally. A dark patch forms at her crotch. "Lilly's next."
Lana sighs and opens her mouth. Flagg1991 shoves the lizard's head into her mouth, and she bites down.
"Hey, Kenny," Flagg1991 says. "check it out. She's a regular Ozzy Osbourne."
Kenny squats down and screams in her face. "CRAZY! BUT THAT'S HOW IT GOES!"
"Next up, Lana," Flagg1991 sings, "will eat a toooooad."
He shoves the toad into her mouth, and she chews. "Faster," Flagg1991 says, grabbing her head and chin and mashing them together.
Fifteen minutes later, Lana has eaten all of her animals, and she looks miserable. "You want something to wash it down?" Flagg1991 asks. "Kenny, go grab the kid a juice box. Get one for yourself, too."
Kenny nods. A few seconds later, he returns with two juice boxes and hands one to Flagg1991. Flagg1991 pokes it with the straw, throws the straw aside, and sprays the juice all over Lana's face. "Whoops. Next caller."
