3 Punch: Take the Lead (or why Saitama can't give what he doesn't have)
"You should— you deserve to know why." Of what an empty heart can be, a dull metronome that only keeps time and never plays in tune.
He was used to silence. Stillness too, to an extent.
There would be no crowds to cheer him, raucous, vibrant in their exaltations of things people didn't really understand (words like justice andhero thrown around with little meaning behind them except that they were strung together like rhyming lines in a song) and even monstrous roars and blares of noise suffered diminuendo before meeting their coda with but a single punch.
Before, he had filled his tiny apartment with as much background noise as he could, insignificant harmonies without a melody to accompany the piece, a constant reminder of his lonesome world.
But he had Genos now.
Hellos and Byes in and out of the door, conversations over dinner and dishes, instructions and directions given on supermarket sales, embarrassingly frequent words of praise and the too-often sound of confusion that followed; an occasional joke on a good day and an occasional grumble when reading the mail followed by the grave promise of a quick death to the sender; a Goodnight, Sensei at bedtime returned withNight before tired eyes closed and a metal body engaged in Sleep Mode; a constancy, foreign and familiar that was suddenly ingrained in every moment of his life.
A tiny world suddenly, abruptly, wonderfully overflowing with words.
Because he had Genos now.
The 'had' in this should be emphasized.
Because relationships were tricky little things, an intricate dance with an impossible tune that can't be taught and only felt with every step and a melody built from moments and movements, the small and grand, that passes between two people in the most intimate ways; a natural progression, adagio and andante forgotten in the wake of a disciple's determination, but a fluid transition to form a duet where there was only a cadenza before.
And perhaps, Saitama was a bit lost in it all; his world long fell to silence with only a steady beat by his side. Too lost in the perpetual cadence, he had overlooked the budding crescendo of the strange little melody they had built together.
Before he knew what happened, their tiny universe of words and music climaxed to a fortissimo with Sensei, I love you—
And crashed to a caesura with Genos, I'm sorry.
Intermission
It was quiet tonight; not the relaxed phase between dusk and the hour of sleep he had known for the past year, but one born of a simple mistake that could not be taken back. Of a heart offered and a heart broken as it slipped between unprepared fingers.
"Genos," And Saitama wondered of the strange tightness in his own chest at how the other stiffened in response. Dinner had been taken in silence with two pairs of eyes trained at their plates and conversation retired after a curt,Thank you. He hated it. "Can we talk about this?"
A pause. "There is nothing to say," came the reply. Gold eyes still refused to meet his own and that bothered Saitama more than it should have. "When I spoke of—when I spoke to you, I had known the outcome." Resignation. "Please, just give me ti—"
"Knew the outcome?" Saitama frowned, glaring hard. "You were already expecting me to turn you down?"
It was silent again for a moment before Genos sighed. "Sensei said it himself: he is not interested in men."
"Huh? When did I—"
"Before we left for the House of Evolution." That name sort of rang a bell…"You informed Armored Gorilla after you mistakenly believed Doctor Genus was interested in pursuing a physical—"
"Ah, right…that." Saitama blinked, realizing that had been only the second day he knew Genos, a week or so after he had first met him. The tightness was back now, squeezing harder than before. "So…you've had that in your head for a while." It was an ache now.
"Yes." And damnit, why did Genos look at him like a man prepared to meet his mortal fate? "I had known the outcome."
"And…you still told me?" His throat was dry; he very nearly croaked out that response. But he couldn't show that to Genos. Not when he wanted to say—needed to tell him so much.
Gold eyes lowered to the floor. "I was…informed that perhaps revealing my feelings would…" A quaver in his voice, soft, veiled, "At least allow me to move on." Thunderous, unmistakable.
"Oh. I see." He had prepared for the final blow, knowing that whatever his teacher had to say would only drive the hammer to the final nail in the small box where his heart would lie, buried until the longing no longer pained and until he could deliver devotion shorn of ardor.
"I…also had hoped…" He drifted off to silence once more.
Saitama scratches his head, treading carefully before speaking. "That I would have changed my mind about what you heard me say nearly a year ago, right?"
"Yes." And how despicable was it that Saitama was still privy to these broken little hopes? "That day…you also said that the true power of human beings lie in that we can change ourselves." Did Genos think there was no way he could take these stardust wishes and lay them over open wounds?
Because hearing this, Saitama himself was starting to fear that he would succeed in just that. "Well I wasn't wrong." He gave a shuddering sigh, feeling a foreign, leaden weight settle in his chest. "Look…I can't change my answer for you. I don't know if I can be sorry about that, but…" He had to say it—had to make him understand. "You should— you deserve to know why." Of what an empty heart can be, a dull metronome that only keeps time and never plays in tune. "Why I can't return your feelings."
Confusion and hurt was evident in too-human eyes. "Sensei?"
Well…here it went: "I'm not all right, Genos." Looking up, he realized he probably said it in the worst way possible from the panicked expression on the other's face and the crazed look in his eyes—oh wait those were just— "No, put your scanners away! I'm not dying!" Crap. He messed up. Saitama scratched his head. "Maybe that's the wrong way of putting it…uh…" God, he was only ever good at words when thinking of them on the fly. "Remember when I told you that ever since I became strong, nothing really excites me anymore?" A hesitant nod. Saitama took a breath. "Well…it applies to this too." And maybe he should just quit thinking so hard about this; everything he was about to say was the honest truth, after all. "Woman, man, I don't think it would have mattered. My answer would have been the same. Not just for you but for anybody." The honest, honest truth. "I can't give what I don't have."
They said silence could be deafening; it's not. It's really not. Too many thoughts swarmed his mind, too many words unspoken, taking flight just as he tried to catch them as anxiety droned like insects on a summer's night.
Saitama swallowed. "But I do care for you, you know. That's why I'm telling you this now: don't you dare start sulking for the likes of me. I'm not worth it." These words were easy to say; something he had always known and hoped Genos would realize too. "You deserve better. You deserve someone who can receive all your love and return it a thousand-fold."
And he wanted that for Genos. He wanted to see the younger happy with someone who can match his passions, who he could feel at ease with. Saitama may be oblivious at times, but he sure as hell wasn't stupid. He knew Genos placed him on some kind of pedestal, so high in the heavens that his own disciple could only gaze from the earth below. And…that wasn't right, was it? Love should be on equal footing, neither one giving more than the other could take, neither one taking more than he could give. And Saitama would be happy for Genos when he found that. Even if it did mean his disciple's eyes would brighten for another, knowing that his core pulsed and whirred for another, knowing that a much larger piece of his heart would be given to another.
It was fine. So long as Genos would find the happiness he deserved—the happiness that Saitama himself could never give.
"Sensei…" Blond bangs concealed his eyes and Saitama prepared for the worst."YOU ARE SO FULL OF CRAP!"
Saitama blinked. "Eh?" Okay, not exactly the reaction he was going for…
Meanwhile, Genos continued to look positively livid, an expression Saitama had seen countless times. "If you're going to reject me, do it properly!" It was kind of scary now that it was pointed directly at him. "Don't you dare hide behind that excuse!"
Oh. This. Fucking. Brat. "Hey, I'm being serious here! And it's not an excuse! Do really think I wouldn't consider your feelings just 'cause you're a guy?!"
Genos hesitated for a second, if only to give him an absolutely offended look. "Yes!"
Saitama felt a vein throb against his skull. "Seriously? After everything that's happened?!"
"So you're saying that you would return my feelings if you could?" he demanded.
Saitama nearly sputtered. "Of course, you dumbass!"
And while his Sensei was busy being offended in turn, he completely missed how Genos's eyes widened and posture loosened. "Despite my being a man?" he pressed.
"Yeah?" Saitama narrowed his eyes. Wasn't this kid listening at all?
"Despite my metal body?" His glare was still intense but at least it didn't look murderous anymore.
Saitama just gave him a confused stare. "Why would that be a problem?"
"Despite the fact that I may never reach your level in strength and may never be the one to give you the fight you've been seeking?" Genos wasn't glaring anymore now either. Small victories, Saitama supposed.
Besides…"When have I ever asked you to do that?" All right, what was Genos getting at here?
"And you're saying…that disregarding the reason you gave, you would otherwise have no problems being with me." He didn't sound angry any longer too.
Saitama was still ticked off, however. "No?" For a genius, Genos sure didn't know how to pay attention. Ah well, at least he kept his questions short for the most part.
And while Saitama was off in his musings, Genos was smiling, shaking his head helplessly at the man he's hopelessly in love with as said hopeless man missed it completely. "Do you want to be with me?"
"Yes? I mean—" Brown eyes widened. Ah, shit. He managed to let that slip after all. Well, there was definitely no turning back now. So Saitama mustered what he hoped was a sheepish smile and not the product of a mess of knots that formed in his stomach. "You're amazing. I'd be an idiot not to."
If Saitama wasn't so used to Genos's various fearsome expressions (the cyborg did have a "resting bitch face" after all), he would have asked about that particularly frightening look.
He should, however, ask about why he was suddenly being pinned to the wall. Or, at the very least, pipe up about the cracks Genos was forming on the sheetrock.
"Hey, c'mon now." He tapped the cyborg's cheek just once, a miniscule part of him amused by the softness of the synthetic skin there. "There's no need for that."
Genos blinked, appearing to have momentarily shut down for a second; well, long enough to lunge across the table and trap his teacher between his arms and a delicate wall that definitely shouldn't be supporting both of them considering the damage they could both do. "I apologize, Sensei. It was a small lapse of control." Ah well. He couldn't say he exactly regretted it either. Especially not with this proximity between himself and his Sensei. He gave the man a tender look and for a moment, let himself feel as though he were holding the man and not just holding him (semi-)captive. But it didn't seem as though his Sensei was completely against it either; he didn't flinch when Genos titled his head down to catch more of his Sensei's handsome face, sharp cheekbones, defined jaw, and bewildered eyes that gazed silently back at him. But what captivated him most of all was the flush of pink that stained his cheeks and reddened his ears as Genos memorized the scene right before him. His chest started whirring again, this time out of silly little bliss; his Sensei was cute when he wasn't trying. Cute…but perhaps not the best at interpreting his own emotions. Placing a hand over the other's heart and feeling it jump beneath his touch, Genos smiled and mentally shook his head. No, definitely not, he thought as he opened his scanners once more.
"Uh…Genos?" Right; Saitama had known Genos had little concept about personal space (regarding Saitama, anyways) but this was a bit out of line, wasn't it? Especially now that a metal hand was very intent in rubbing up against his left pectoral. "Ah…?"
"…interesting," Genos hummed, eyes afire with that crazed look again.
Okay, that was enough. "You can let up now, you know?" Saitama swallowed, feeling the strangest trickles of—what was that, panic?—setting in. It's been so long it didn't feel right giving it a name; or maybe…it was something else altogether.
"Let me kiss you," came the awfully demanding and awfully sudden request.
"Huh—wait, WHAT?" Okay yeah, that was definitely panic.
"Let me kiss you," Genos repeated, eyes blazing with more resolve than Saitama had ever seen. "To prove you wrong." A beat. "Also, because I really want to."
In truth, it was kind of freaking Saitama out. "Prove me wrong about what, exactly?" He squirmed beneath Genos's gaze, refusing to meet his eyes. But they both knew he could have just as easily wrenched free from the loose hold; the fact that he wasn't even turning away from the other spoke volumes to Genos.
"About what you've said. About you not being able to feel anything." God, if only Genos would stop giving that creepy sta—those were his scanners again, weren't they? "Your resting heartrate is normally around 45 beats per minute; in battle, it increases to 90; I've never known it to go above 100." Yep. Yep they were. "Just now, your heartrate has increased to 120."
Saitama tried to appear as affronted as he possibly could. "Well, you are standing pretty close—and you did just ask to kiss me."
Genos gave him a look. "Do you believe it is out of revulsion or fear?" It was partly pressing, partly pained.
Honestly, Saitama wasn't sure which part of it scared him most. "What? No! I—"
"Then that must mean Saitama-sensei is excited," he decidedly announced.
Saitama made a noise somewhere between a frustrated groan and a mortified squeak.
All the while, Genos kept gawking at his mouth rather longingly. "Sensei, please do not tell me this is an exercise of patience and restraint."
"Wh—you were the one who asked for—" Saitama groaned, giving up. "Oh for the love of—fine! Yes, you can kiss me! Just stop saying embarrassing things!" Genos didn't need anything more than that.
And as Genos leaned in and Saitama's blood pressure spiked, he thought,What could one little kiss do to him? (In retrospect, maybe a lot considering the look Genos gave was enough to make him want to combust on the spot.)
What was a kiss anyways? A simple press of lips. That was it. The meeting of two mouths in shaky, wet contact, lips lightly pursed, the other gently parted, all too aware of the chapped skin at the corner of his mouth. A gesture of affection, greeting, reverence—love. It was romanticized way too much in plotlines that seemed to think there was something almost magical about the miniscule exchange a kiss truly was. Cherub-shy and petal-soft. It was nothing.
It was everything.
A surge of fire and a flood of rain all at once, blood thundering in his ears and lava in his veins, thoughts and color rapidly falling away until only touch and heat remained, something boiling and budding beneath his skin, lighting up like a thousand lanterns, dizzying and wonderful all at once. And oh god it was the stuff of clichés but he was drowning and drowning and every parting they took for a gasp of heated oxygen only drove the addiction to new heights as their mouths met once more in feverish want.
Genos pulled away, murmuring against Saitama's panting mouth. "Your heart is racing." God, he just loved to talk didn't he? "I can feel it beat right through your skin." Gold eyes darkened as they greedily took in the pretty picture his Sensei made, hooded eyes, rouge cheeks and kiss-bitten lips letting out soft puffs of breath. But the real prize was what fluttered beneath his fingertips. "It's beating for me, isn't it?" Dumbass, Saitama foggily thought, Of course it was. "Because you want me." Also because you're fucking embarrassing, something biting quipped in Saitama's mind; but he couldn't argue. "Because you love me." There was a stutter in the pounding rhythm at that and Genos held the man closer, teeth grazing the sensitive skin on his neck. Despite what you said and despite what you thought, you do, Genos mentally countered with a thrill before leaning in and pressing more kisses, determined to mar the smooth expanse.
"Genos…" Was it a plea or a prayer? And after the blond finally complied with bringing another scorching kiss, mouth open to taste and claim, Saitama decided that it was likely a damnation to hell.
He pulled away again and damnit, it took way too much concentration not to go chasing after those lips. "I won't accept 'no' as your answer to me anymore." He traced a defined jaw, tilting his teacher's face to meet his, his own molten gaze inescapable as it bore down on the older man. "I won't, absolutely not." And maybe that's when Saitama should have realized that he dug his own grave; did the exact opposite of what he felt he needed to do, crossing all the lines he wanted to draw between them, and somehow managed to drag himself to his disciple's arms where he wanted to stay. And now, hearing the erratic rhythm in his own ears, the sweat cooling off his skin, and the surge of sheer emotion he could barely bottle, he listened as the crescendo reached its peak in fortissimo once more: "Sensei, I love you."
God, who knew those four words were a reprise? Or maybe this whole thing had been a Da Capo all along. Ah well. Nothing ever goes according to plan, does it? Because Saitama was so lost right now. Lost in this strange feeling pulsing through him, lost in what he should say to the expecting disciple holding him like he would vanish in an instant, lost in the way that he had no idea how on earth this could have happened to him, but it did all the same and he knew what he had to do—at least for the moment.
This world was full of mistakes, misinterpretations, missteps, and misgivings. And as always, Saitama only had a vague clue as to how to go about it all.
So he gave a long-suffering sigh; or, it would have been if he didn't feel so lightheaded and—happy?— right now. "All right…But you better not call me Sensei with this, you hear me?" And at the absolutely dazzling smile he received in turn, yeah, he realized, he was definitely happy. "This time, for the both of us, you'd probably be better off taking the lead."
There he went again, looking like Saitama had just handed him the sun, moon, and stars on a silver platter. "Very well, Beloved." Genos either missed Saitama's appalled look or wholly ignored it in favor of trailing more kisses down his throat, adding in a nip or two just to feel the other's heart skip a beat.
Notes:
In case anyone was confused, no, this is not a continuation of the Omegaverse fics I've recently written ^^;
I recently re-listened to Fidelity by Regina Spektor. And of course… I tried to make something dramatic and I couldn't just let it end there so it became silly instead. Ah well ^^; My last two fics were sort of on the angsty side anyways.
((It should also be noted that I haven't been in band for many years.))
I know that Saitama is capable of experiencing emotion, it's just…probably the more extreme emotions he has trouble dealing with. His passion for a lot of things are gone and I think he feels like he'd be unable to return Genos's extreme devotion to him. It wouldn't be fair for Genos to be in a lopsided relationship. Of course…Genos would disagree. I also don't peg Genos as the "so long as you want even an ounce of me" sort of guy since he at least has the reassurance that Saitama cares for him and would try for him.
I also wanna say that Saitama really isn't meant to be asexual or aromantic here, nor is Genos trying to force him into a relationship. Aro/Ace!Saitama is a popular headcanon for fic writers and those who watch OPM; it's actually my headcanon as well. But what this fic really deals with is someone who feels undeserving of love because they feel as though what they can give in return isn't enough. Saitama worries about letting Genos down—he expressed so before in canon. Not once did Saitama say that he didn't feel the same way for Genos; he downplays his own emotions by saying he "cares" for him although he is perfectly aware of how much he has changed and how much his life has changed for the better since Genos came barging in. And I think Genos has lived long enough with Saitama to know this about him. He sees that he's not the only insecure one between them but at least Genos has never doubted his own feelings.
