4 – THE ENEMA
Patton, Amber, Ryan, and Clair stared down at the Blue encampment far below them from atop the edge of a sunken cliff. The Blue base swarmed with activity. Patton counted at least four Warthog light reconnaissance vehicles with gun turrets in back, ten Mongoose ultra-light all terrain vehicles, a single massive Scorpion tank, and a Falcon swooping around overhead.
"The Blues are really getting it on for this one," said Amber while staring though her rifle scope. "They've got countless heavy vehicles!"
"Oh, yeah!" remarked Patton excitedly. "There's more heavy equipment down there than a construction workers convention. Wrecking this place is gonna be fun!"
Ryan pulled an M41 rocket launcher from his back. "So what now, boss? Do we let 'em have it?"
Patton reached out and grabbed Ryan's shoulder, forcing him down. "Not quite yet, hotshot. I want to see exactly what the hell they're planning to do with all those vehicles."
"Attack whoever they find?" suggested Amber. "What else would they do?"
A second Scorpion Tank wheeled around the Blue's base entrance. "Sir!" Amber pointed. "They have another heavy vehicle. I think it's a tank."
"Wow, so that's what that 66-ton vehicle with the 90-mm tungsten cannon is," Patton remarked sarcastically. "I would never have guessed."
Amber sighed. "Sir, what I mean is that we're seriously outgunned. I brought along the only sniper rifle, and there isn't enough ammunition for all of the blues."
Patton laughed. "Amber, I understand that you're technically our sniper, but do you really have to be so reliant on long range weapons all the time?" he reached down to the gun holder on his right leg, took a magnum from it, and handed it to her. "You need to learn that sniping isn't always the answer. What we needto do is wait until Claire gets here with the Warthog and then we'll let 'em have it!"
"Sir, I think we're gonna need to move sooner than that," Ryan called out. He stood up and pointed at a distant blue armored figure on the ground just below them. "We've been spotted!"
The figure was waving his arms franticly. "Heyyyyyyy!" he shouted in an absurdly high voice that made him sound like he had been breathing helium (As far as the Yellows knew, he probably had been). The Blue was now hopping up and down while screaming as loud as he could: "I spotted Yellows, over here! "Heyyyyyyy-"A crack split the air and his head snapped backward, then he fell to the ground.
"There, you see!" Amber called to Patton while still looking through her sniper rifle's scope. "Long range weapon makes problem solved."
"Um, guys?" Ryan called out nervously.
"What is it now, Hobar?" Patton groaned.
"I think everyone else just noticed us!" Ryan cried. He pointed, and everyone's gaze followed the direction of his finger back to the Blue base. Like the members of a pissed off bee hive, every vehicle in the base was turning in the Yellow's direction.
"Ah, hell!" exclaimed Patton. He then stood up and called out to the others: "Attack!"
"With pleasure!" exclaimed Ryan as he fired a rocket at the nearest Warthog. The vehicle's driver saw the rocket coming at him and managed to swerve just enough that it hit the ground near the Warthog instead of into it, but the force of the explosion caused the turreted jeep to flip over into the path of a speeding Mongoose. The vehicles collided, and an instant later were replaced by a ball of flame and a shower of debris. Ryan pumped his fist in the air. "Yeah, that's how it's done!"
The Falcon was nearing them now. Ryan launched a rocket at it, but it flew too far off to the left. A rhythmic popping sound thundered from the aircraft as it fired machine gun rounds from its mounted turret at the Yellows. Ryan fired another rocket, this time directed at the Falcon's cockpit. The Falcon swerved, and the rocket just barely missed the cockpit windshield by centimeters. Shit!" Ryan spat. "I knew I should have waited for the lock-on!"
"Ryan, keep your aim steady!" shouted Patton.
"I'm trying, but it's moving all over the place!" Ryan yelled back at him. "Rockets travel too slow for this. Every time I aim at one place, the Falcon has time to move and make me miss."
"Then use the lock-on feature in that fancy launcher of yours!" Patton requested smugly.
"I can't! You have to hold still to use it, and if I do that I'll get chewed up by that thing's machine guns!" The hail of bullets forced Ryan to take cover behind a large rock. "Dammit, now I'm pinned!"
"I'll take care of it, boss." Amber yelled.
"Stone, now's not the time to get hoity-toity about long range combat," Patton said to her. "Just let Ryan do his job and take care of it."
"I'm pinned!" Ryan yelled back at Patton. "I can't do shit right now!"
"Boss, let me take care of it. I can do this!" Amber picked up her sniper rifle, balanced it on a rock outcropping to keep her aim steady, pointed it at the cockpit, and fired. An instant later, the Falcon pilot's head snapped back, the contents of his head splashed across the headrest of his chair, and the Falcon went into a tailspin, but stayed at a relatively stable altitude; the pilot must have managed to lock the aircraft's altitude before dying. As the Falcon exposed its side, Amber could see two Blues operating mounted gun turrets on either side door.
"Should've brought a grenade launcher," grumbled Ryan as he dropped the rocket launcher and pulled out a magnum. He popped out from the other side of the rock and started firing like mad at the turret gunners. He managed to hit one of the Blues, but the round only bounced off his energy shield. Apparently realizing that the Falcon should probably have a pilot at the helm, the Blue got up from his turret and made for the cockpit through the hatch in the troop bay.
As the Blue took the wheel and the Falcon stabilized from its spin, Amber finally managed to snipe the other Blue on the turret opposite the one the first Blue had been on. Said Blue turned the Falcon to face her so that he could fire at her with its machine gun, but she was quicker, and within the next half second no Blues remained alive within the Falcon. The aircraft began to spin again, but by this time it had sunk low enough to be below the cliff, and it rammed into it before finally reaching the ground with a metallic crunch.
"I gotta hand it to ya, Stone, that was some pretty damn fine work," Patton said to her, admiring the crashed VTOL craft. "But don't think this means I value long range any more than I did before."
"What... Ugh, Fine," she replied, "But now at least you've seen a taste of what I can do with a sniper rifle."
Patton nodded, but then turned to face the small army of ground based vehicles that had by this time reached the area directly under the cliff face. He pulled out his shotgun and told everyone: "Gotta go. I'll see ya in just a minute or two, and one less Blue Army, later."
With a grunt and a flick of his shotgun's safety, Patton hopped down from the cliff and landed on the ground in front of another Mongoose. The driver stopped the vehicle before him. The gunner in the back pointed his assault rifle at Patton. "Put your hands up!" the soldier squeaked in his helium voice. Patton simply snorted and aimed his shotgun. Seconds later, a hole appeared in the gunner's helmet, and he fell from his seat and onto the ground with a dull thump.
"Got you covered, boss!" Patton heard Amber say over the COM.
"I was about to take him out!" complained Patton. "That kill counts as mine!"
"Fine!" Amber said with a grumpy tone.
Patton turned to the driver of the Mongoose, who was still sitting in his seat and staring at him. Patton pointed his shotgun at the Blue. "Say hello to Lucy," Patton commanded.
The Blue stared into the shotgun's barrel, swallowed, and then squeaked: "Hello, Lucy."
With his other hand, Patton stroked the back of the shotgun's barrel. "Now say goodbye to Lucy."
The Blue swallowed again, muttered "Goodbye, Lucy," and looked up at Patton. "Why is Lucy going away so soon? I hardly got to meet her-"
Patton pulled the trigger, feeding the unfortunate soldier an 8 gauge round. "Blues, they never cease to amuse!" he muttered to himself, sliding a new shell into the chamber and yanking the slide.
"Patton, look out!" Ryan shouted through the COM.
Patton looked ahead of the Mongoose to see one of the tanks rolling up to greet him. "Oh, no you don't!" Patton shouted, then started running towards it.
"Boss, what the hell are you doing?" Ryan exclaimed. "You're supposed to run away from a tank, not towards it!"
Before anyone had any idea what he was planning, Patton leapt onto the tank, ran over to the driver's window, and yanked it open with a grunt. Promptly, he pulled out the driver, and threw him from the tank to the ground. Patton got into the driver's compartment. The seat was covered with padded cotton. "This is actually really comfortable," He remarked to himself as he sat down and took the wheel, resealing the canopy of the compartment. Behind him, he heard and felt the sounds of the tank's targeting software uplink port attaching itself to the back of his helmet, interfacing with his armor's systems. He looked through the suddenly-there heads-up display and noticed that the Blue soldier he had just evicted from the tank was standing next to it and staring at it.
"I wasn't done with my turn in it yet!" the Blue whined. "Do you really need it that bad?"
"Yup!" Patton said, squeezing a trigger on the control stick. There was a boom from the tank's cannon, and the Blue was no more. Where he had been was now a large smoking hole. Patton shouted over the COM "Y'all see how I got that done! Ranged weapons can suck it! Now, let's start uppin' that body count!" He heard Amber sigh in response, then shut off her COM.
"It looks like we'll have to chase them, sir." said Ryan. "They're retreating."
Patton checked; sure enough, his armor's motion tracker showed multiple red dots heading away from his position. "That shouldn't be much of a problem," He remarked. Then a new sound filled the canyon, causing Patton to turn trying to find its source.
With a roar, a Warthog from Yellow Base roared up and stopped in front of Patton's new tank. "I see you've neutralized a lot of them already," Clair's voice calmly said over the COM. Patton could see her sitting behind the wheel of the light recon vehicle. "And we also have their tank, apparently. Boss, if I had known you could get that much firepower on your own, I wouldn't have bothered driving this over."
"It's alright, Clair. You can never have too much firepower. But where the hell were you, anyway?" Patton asked.
"I lost the car keys. Somehow they ended up in the magnum drawer." She responded.
"Okay, who put the keys in the magnum drawer?" Patton shouted into the COM, opening it to his entire team. "That's the third time this week!"
Ryan had jumped down from the cliff and was walking over to Clair's Warthog. "Not me!" he responded as though he knew what Patton was thinking.
"Amber?" Patton tried next.
"No, sir," she replied. "I did not put the keys in the magnum drawer. Why would I do that? Why would anyone?"
"How about you tell me," Patton commanded. "Midnight drive, secret religious gathering, high school reunion. It could be a load of reasons. So then, which is it?"
"I didn't do it!" Amber shouted into the COM. The sheer volume of her voice was loud enough to make Ryan jump and almost drop his rocket launcher, which might of ended badly had he not caught it before it fell.
"Relax!" Patton laughed. "I was just pulling your leg! I know you didn't do it. I just like picking on you 'cause you're so dependent on long range weapons."
Amber sighed again.
Clair interrupted: "Sir, we need to move if we want to catch up to the Blues."
Amber came down from her perch on the cliff and climbed into the Warthog's passenger seat. "Let's go get 'em , Sir!" she exclaimed proudly. "With or without ranged weapons!"
"That's…progress, Amber. Not quite there yet, though," Patton said slowly. "Now, let's move out, everyone!" His tank began rolling towards the Blue's base entrance structure. "We have so much more killing to do! Yeeehaaa!"
After waiting for Ryan to climb into the passenger seat, Clair drove the Warthog after it.
Nome stood over Skope, who was still lying on the makeshift table while applying a third layer of rubber gloves over the two he already had on.
"Are you putting on more gloves?" Skope asked as he strained to look up at Nome.
"Sanitation is of upmost importance." Nome replied. "And I advise you to be still. The procedure is about to begin."
Skope stared down at the floor again. "Well, that's kind of hard when you have someone else digging in your-" Skope went limp as Nome applied pressure to the top of his spine.
"Please be still. I cannot continue with the procedure unless you are."
Skope grunted.
"Have you read any good books lately?" Nome asked pleasantly.
"What?" Skope asked.
"I asked you: have you read any good books lately?" Nome replied.
"What does that have to do with anything?" Skope wondered aloud in a confused tone.
"I am trying to make conversation. It has been clinically proven to help patients stay still while being given an enema. I have researched this topic very carefully, and I know it to be true," Nome lectured whimsically.
"I really don't know what to say to you anymore," was all Skope could think of as a response.
"You could reply by answering my first question," Nome replied.
"I regularly read Star Wars: The New Jedi Order series," Skope mumbled.
"That is scientific fiction, is it not?"
"Science fiction, yup," Skope said. "So, what's your favorite thing to do as a hobby then?"
"Oh, I read books as well."
"Ok, what kind of books?"
"Technical books, with lots of information," Nome thought some more and then continued: "The World Book Encyclopedia series is certainly my favorite. It took me three whole nights to get through all of it."
"Wait, you read encyclopedias?" Skope asked.
"Indeed. So tell me, what is your favorite encyclopedia series, then?" Nome inquired.
"I…don't read encyclopedias," said Skope. "I read science fiction novels, and I have no idea how you could possibly have read the entire World Book series in one night-"
"Wait, I have something," Nome interrupted.
"What?" Skope asked, but then felt something massive leave his back end.
Something landed in a metal pan with a CLINK, and suddenly Skope's pain was gone.
Kenny stood in the upper level of Green Base's entrance building watched the structure in the distance with keen interest. The communications officer for Green Base, Specialist Jessica "Jess" Retsis, stood beside him. She was also the technician of the base, and this was signified by the orange secondary color of her primarily green armor. She had been in the communications tower for the last several hours trying to fix a downed computer terminal, and now Kenny was catching her up on what had happened while she was gone. "So anyways," Kenny said nonchalantly, "The Commander's dead, Skope got, well, shot in the ass, and now we've got this super weird medic guy who's got a last name larger then Rhode Island, and now he's giving Skope an enema."
"Wow, and I thought life at this base was going to be boring." She remarked loudly.
"Well for the last three weeks, ever since we came here, it has been. I guess we just got lucky this time." Kenny said as he stared at the far away structure, clearly waiting for something to happen. After a while, he asked: "So, any word on reinforcements?"
Jess shook her head. "I didn't know to look into it. I spent all my time fixing that damn terminal, remember?"
Kenny sighed. "Ah, yes, that stupid thing. Any progress on that?"
"Nope," Jess said, and then sighed loudly. She thought to herself for a few seconds, then piped up with another subject: "Oh, I did talk to Kelly, though."
Kenny nodded. Kelly was Jess's best friend outside of the Wilderness, and she talked to her over the phone as much as she could.
Jess continued: "I also ranted against my ex."
"Which one?" Kenny asked.
"I can't remember. But I was really mad at him for some reason," she muttered slowly.
"Okay, then," Kenny said as he turned and started walking down the ramp to the elevator. "I'm gonna see how Skope's…operation is doing."
"I'll come with you," she said.
When Kenny and Jess returned to the makeshift operating room, they found Skope sitting upright on the table and Nome putting several pairs of rubber gloves in the waste basket. "How is he?" he asked Nome.
Nome turned to face him and proudly announced: "I am glad to announce that the enema was a complete success, against all odds. The bullet has been removed from his anus, and the tacos within are once again free."
"So, does that mean he'll be okay?" Jess asked.
"Indeed," muttered Nome deeply.
Jess continued: "Well, thanks for the help, doctor…"
"Nome Achentaughtensheloem Londontokyoparis," Nome replied pleasantly. "I am pleased to be of service."
"Alrighty then… I'm gonna, uh, check on our reinforcements. And… stuff," mumbled Jess as she quickly made for the elevator.
"Me, too," said Kenny, following in her direction.
"Ah, well then I hope to cross paths with you both again soon," Nome called after them. As the elevator doors closed off Kenny and Jess from Nome's sight, he mumbled to himself: "For what purpose do people always do that around me?"
"Well, he's a little strange," said Jess after both of them had gotten into the elevator.
"At least he healed Skope," replied Kenny. "But what's with his name?"
The elevator came to a stop, and both of them exited as soon as the doors opened.
"The hell if I know," Jess said as she started up the walkway. "So, what are you going to do now?"
They reached the landing, and Kenny pointed into the distance at the structure that was just visible. "I'm going to investigate that structure that Skope and the Commander were sniped from."
"Alone?" Jess asked. "Should I come with you?"
"I'll need to keep a low profile, and that's harder to do with two people," Kenny replied. "So yes, I should do this alone." When Jess continued staring at him, he continued: "I'm just going to check the place out, not actually engage anyone. Well, unless I have to."
"Alright," Jess said worriedly. "Just be careful."
