Chapter 4 – Please eat this
Sorry, I seem to have accidentally replied to multiple reviews twice. If you've received multiple messages from me, I apologize.
"I might be wrong b-but, Yuki-chan, maybe Rin was being honest." Despite the stutter, Shiemi appeared resolved.
Exhausted, Yukio had lost his tenuous grip and unfolded during one of Shiemi's private lessons like he was 13 and still unused to being a teacher. She'd only asked him one little personal question — 'Are you and Rin doing OK?' — and he'd just told her everything. The young prodigy couldn't be more ashamed of himself and now Shiemi wouldn't let him push the topic aside.
"My brother's not as stupid as he claims to be. After everything that's happened he must feel differently," he told her.
"No, I didn't mean that!" Shiemi squeaked. Puzzled, Yukio waited for her to elaborate. "I meant, maybe he's really not eating any differently than he usually does."
Yukio considered that for a moment and shook his head, unaware of the worry on his own face. "That can't be. He was always cooking before his awakening. By the time he was 15, Rin was consuming about 75% of the food money we had back home."
Shiemi's response was bold. "Are you sure he was cooking for himself?" she asked, looking like she already knew the answer, like she didn't know the depth of her own words. "He told me once he used to cook a lot more when your chapel provided food for the homeless. He said he even liked to hand deliver lunches to them during the week when he could."
Yukio was about to deny that too. Then he remembered a certain day, five years ago, when one of the clergy had called Father Fujimoto to tell him Rin had gotten so sick he had collapsed. The priest was on a training mission with Yukio at the time and had told him not to worry when he found out.
But, Yukio could remember overhearing his father's voice late that night. He'd been gently reprimanding Rin for eating poorly, had sounded uncharacteristically concerned about his health.
Yukio remembered being envious, thinking Rin had never had to work to get their dad's affection. Bitterly, the budding prodigy had written off his brother's ailment as harmless food poisoning and forgotten all about it. Rin had never said a word to Yukio about what happened when he'd returned.
As the brothers had gotten older, and the number of missions both Yukio and Father Fujimoto went out on increased, Rin had spoken to him less and less about his personal life.
A grimace tightened on his face when he finally said, "I can't accept that." I don't want to.
"Yuki-chan —"
"I can't accept the possibility that he's been lying to me this whole time." It would mean that I've spent my whole life with him and I don't even know him.
Shiemi's expression turned soft and commiserating. Although her voice was gentle, the look in her eyes became sad. "But Rin didn't even know you were an exorcist until this year," she reminded him.
"Haven't you also been lying to him, Yuki-chan?"
Leaning his forearms onto the counter and resting his head on his thumbs, fingers laced together, Rin told himself the weakness he felt in his legs was just as much in his head. If his arms started to ache because they were taking so much of his weight, then, it was easy enough to convince himself that they probably needed the work. He chose to ignore the fact that he was leaning against the bony parts of his forearms and the pain had nothing at all to do with muscle.
Rin was fine.
As soon as he finished this he could sit down and wait for Yukio to get back.
He was almost done.
Rin was thankful he'd already eaten because it meant he wouldn't have to take his meds under Yukio's watchful, untrusting eyes. Of course, he'd have to eat a little more if he wanted to stay awake long enough to meet his brother when he came home. Maybe he'd get some homework done while he waited…
What was he going to say to Yukio when he finally got home?
What would he do if he didn't come home tonight?
Rin grimaced.
"Oi."
The abrupt and unexpected sound of Ryuji's voice made Rin flinch so damn bad he could have stepped out of the air and onto the counter.
Rin whirled around to face his friend but the motion was a little too fast and threw a smattering of stars across his vision.
"W!–oof." The half demon had to lean back against the counter and put a hand to his head but didn't stop talking. "What are you doing here?"
"Dropping off your homework," Bon answered. With a light fluttering sound, the aforementioned papers dropped to the countertop. As soon as Rin's vision stopped spinning he noted the frown his friend's face and the furrow in his brow.
"Oh…" staring at the addition of yet more work, Rin didn't waste any energy trying to hide his disdain. "Thanks."
Bon quirked a suspicious brow at him, as though saying 'what? Not even going to complain?'
"Where are the others?" Rin asked him.
"Konekomaru is babysitting Shima. I was getting snacks in the area —" he set a plastic bag on the counter next to Rin's homework "— and figured I could stop by real quick."
"Ah." Absently, Rin started rubbing at his chest. Bon pointedly watched him do it, the furrow on his brow now distinctly concerned. He was opening his mouth when Rin realized what he was doing, stopped, and turned around. Even though it had been almost four days since the tube had been removed, his body had yet to close the hole. Rin knew that was a result of one of the myriad of medications he kept having to take — it was probably the same one responsible for making it so hard to stay awake. "Thanks for helping Yukio out with that. He's been having a hard time lately."
The half demon picked up where he'd left off, thinly slicing the fresh meat he'd gone out to buy almost 45 minutes earlier, as if he hadn't just been fighting the strong urge to lay down on the kitchen floor. "How long have you been standing there anyway?" he asked.
"Long enough to call your name almost three times," Bon replied. Rin didn't know what to say to that so he let an uncomfortable silence fall between them. "What are you doing?"
"Isn't it obvious?" The half demon tried to steady his hands by taking a deep breath. The meds were kicking in, it seemed.
"Okumura." Bon was using his 'I am the boss' voice so Rin figured he'd have to be a little explicit. He turned around and locked eyes with the ambitious aria.
Then, very smoothly, Rin said, "Can you leave?"
Bon reared back with shock and hurt in his wide eyes before Rin realized what he'd done wrong. "Wait, wait, wait, no — hang on, that — I didn't mean —fuck. God — damnit." With a hugely defeated sigh, Rin slid to the floor and out of sight. A wave of relief swept through his legs the moment he sat down and a quiet part of him worried he may not be able to stand up again for a while.
He wished he hadn't taken those stupid pills on time, now.
"Hey—"
"Yukio and me got into a fight last night and I need to make up with him. I'm making him dinner but I'm really tired and I think I've only got enough energy left in me for one heart-to-heart tonight. Could you maybe come back tomorrow?" Even to his own ears, his voice sounded fatigued and miserable.
"Why didn't you just say that then?" Bon, thankfully, looked understanding when he came into the kitchen and helped Rin find his feet again.
Despite Rin's protests, Bon stuck around to help.
As phenomenal as Bon was in his studies, he was about as skilled in the kitchen as Yukio.
And Yukio was as skilled in the kitchen as a fish in a tree.
Mistakes were made.
But even when Bon was banned from the cutting board, he did help speed things up by washing vegetables and doing dishes.
They were almost done when Bon, tasked with homogenizing the soy sauce blend Rin had put together, finally asked him, "Is eating like that normal for you?"
The half demon hummed and answered, "Not really. I only make sashimi for special events—"
"No," Bon interrupted and turned away from the sink to look Rin in the eye. The expression on his face was upset — almost, guilty, somehow. "I meant, before you collapsed. Do you normally skip meals so often? Don't you like cooking?"
"Of course I like cooking!"
"Then why don't you cook for yourself?"
"Because its—!" Rin hesitated, like saying the words out loud gave them a strange new flavor. He looked down at the almost completed plate of sashimi. "What's the point of cooking if you're just doing it for yourself?"
Yukio was worried.
Suguro-kun had texted him 45 minutes ago, letting him know he'd dropped off Rin's homework for him. In the most politely ominous way, his student had then urged him to hurry home.
He'd said it wasn't an emergency but that was 45 minutes ago and a lot could change in that time.
"Nii-san? Are you in here?" Just then Yukio rounded the corner and trotted into the lunchroom. Rin wasn't there waiting for him at their usual table, something he'd stopped doing (what seemed like) months ago. In his place was a box and a note.
Curious, Yukio set down his things and opened the letter Rin had addressed to him.
Yukio,
I ate, took those stupid meds, and already did my homework so just relax.
I wanted to keep wait for you but i'm too tired. figured it'd be better if I just went to bed so you'd have less to worry about
i'm sorry about what I said last night. it was wrong
thanks for looking after me so well, even though I make things hard for you
I made you some sashimi
At that, Yukio paused. If Rin made sashimi then he'd of had to go to the market first. They didn't have any fresh fish at the moment and Yukio knew that because he'd done all the shopping before his brother had gotten home from the hospital.
Why would Rin go to such trouble to make Yukio's favorite dish? He only made sashimi for special occasions — something about 'preserving the flavor.'
He finished reading.
but it might not be as good anymore by the time you read this
Sorry, lil bro
Love you
Yukio felt himself blanch, remembering that important side effect of one of Rin's medications.
His heart dropped from his chest into a chasm that was as deep and as the guilt he'd been trying to ignore all day. The cold emptiness it left behind was cruelly ubiquitous.
The young brother raced up seven flights of stairs in record time only to find his brother sleeping soundly and, of course, grossly unaware of the distress he'd caused.
Somehow, Yukio couldn't bring himself to be angry.
Yukio didn't know why he was in a hospital or what business guided his feet down the brightly lit corridor until he saw his big brother standing at the end of it.
As though surprised, Yukio felt himself stop. He knew Rin was supposed to be a patient, supposed to be wearing a gown, and supposed to be in bed so he was reasonably agitated when he noticed his brother was wearing his school uniform.
"Nii-san?" Yukio called out to him but he couldn't hear his own voice.
Nonetheless, he saw Rin twitch and then turn to see who had called him. At first he looked curious and confused, but, when he recognized him, his big brother beamed.
"Oh! Yukio, there you are!" Somehow Yukio knew just what his brother was saying even though no audible words left his mouth. The tail he hadn't noticed before, the canines, the ears — in the blink of an eye all those things disappeared and his brother was an ordinary human again.
Now, Rin looked strange in his school uniform.
"Where were you? I was waiting for you!" Rin's smile softened and when Yukio blinked again his brother was seven, no longer in uniform, and they were standing in their old primary school's hallway.
The younger brother wanted to go to Rin's side but his feet wouldn't move. His big brother's smile looked empty, sad, and that shouldn't have looked so familiar but it was.
Huh? Yukio felt cold. I can't remember what his real smile looks like anymore.
"Neh, Yukio? You're all grown up now. You don't need me anymore so I'm going on ahead. OK?" Bright, rotating light, like light from a lighthouse, swept through the hall and when it passed, Rin had turned around.
His big brother was walking away.
Yukio was going to be (completely, utterly) alone.
How long would it take until he couldn't remember what Rin's food tasted like? Would he forget that before or after he forgot the sound of his voice?
Fear unlike anything he had felt before burned through him but his stupid, useless, fucking feet stayed glued to the floor! Yukio tried to cry out, tried to scream his brother's name, to beg him to stay but he couldn't get anything out of his throat. Tears of frustration streaked down his face and he pushed himself until he heard his voice screaming.
There were so many things Yukio had to say and so many more things he wished he could take back, things he had forgotten to apologize for.
But all he could do was cry.
And Rin didn't stop.
Eventually, all that was left of him was a young voice, and soon that faded away too.
"It's time for me to go. Yukio."
Rin woke up to fingers pressing hard into his wrist and the sound of someone choking back sobs.
"—No, no, no, please, no. Nii–san?" sob "Don't go, please. Nii–san, I can't find your pulse." (2)
Rin's response was as automatic as peeling an apple.
Before he'd even opened his eyes, he had pulled his wrist free and was wrapping his arms around his little brother. Yukio gave a soft little yelp and clung to Rin's shirt.
"Sh, ssh, sshh," Rin hushed and squeezed him gently, like he used to when they were small, "I'm here. I'm still here." Yukio hid his face in Rin's shoulder and Rin didn't say anything while his brother fought to regain some semblance of emotional control.
While Yukio hiccupped quietly, Rin rubbed circles into his back. Eventually, he started tugging his brother in bed with him. "C'mon," he murmured, "Bring it in."
For a moment Yukio tried to resist. "No, no—" he caught his breath "—I'm fine now. I'm—"
Rin interrupted him with a sigh. Flatly, he stated, "If you try to insist on going back to your own bed I will follow you."
Yukio didn't seem to know what to do about that, still half asleep and shivering, so Rin used his strength to drag him under the covers.
For a while, the brothers lay back to back and Rin was satisfied knowing his own body temperature would soon warm his little brother up.
They'd bought a space heater but it was rarely used.
Contrary to popular belief, Yukio was the deep sleeper and Rin was the light sleeper. When they were kids, Yukio had gotten so used to climbing into bed with Rin during the cold winters to share heat, he'd do it in his sleep. Rin wasn't sure if Yukio knew that he still did this on rare occasions.
Occasions like this one.
Rin stayed awake for a solid 30 minutes after Yukio's breathing had deepened, thinking about all those times he'd thought his life was worthless enough to give up on. It was weird, but, he felt like he'd been about to go somewhere before Yukio woke him up.
His little brother was leaning all his weight into Rin's back like he needed to make sure he was still there, even in his sleep.
It was comforting.
Rin was gently pulled back to consciousness by the smell of tea and the sound of Yukio's voice. When he opened his eyes he found his brother leaning over him with a cup of something in one hand and a patient smile on his face.
For several long moments, a buffering symbol worked above Rin's head. Then he said, "hah?"
"Sorry, Nii–san," Yukio kept his voice soft and Rin had to wonder if maybe there was someone else in the room he was trying to be courteous of. Their morning ritual was usually far less domestic.
"Here, take these, please." His brother held out a handful of colorful tablets and pills.
Rin felt his own face sour. But he sat up anyway.
"Yes, yes, I know you don't like them," Yukio said, depositing them into Rin's hand. Then he passed him the tea. "You won't have to take them forever, Nii-san."
Rin was too tired to come up with a response so he popped the pills into his mouth, sipped the tea, and swallowed them all in one go.
"Did you wake up early?" he mumbled after, drinking his tea.
"Hm, a bit." Yukio was putting on his shoes and getting his things together. "I'm surprised I didn't wake you."
Sleepily, Rin grinned into his tea. "Surprised you managed to wake me up at all if it's as early as it feels."
"It's not that early. It's almost —"
"—Does 'almost' mean the sun isn't up yet? If the answer is 'yes' it's early. You're such a bird, spotty-four-eyes."
About to pull on his coat, Yukio stopped to watch his elder finish drinking. "A bird?" he asked.
"A bird." Rin confirmed, resting his head against the wall and letting his eyes close. He was only vaguely aware of Yukio nudging and poking at him until Rin was laying down again.
The last thing he heard was Yukio telling him he could go back to sleep if he wanted to today.
I couldn't quite figure out how to make it obvious but I hope you can infer that Yukio gets night terrors sometimes.
This one took a lot longer to write because I'm getting an original book published (and I'm graduating but who cares about that, right?).
I apologize again for the delay. Hope everyone had a good Halloween!
If anyone is interested in my book here is the synopsis:
"A young African cage fighter suffers life in a globally competitive future and struggles to leave behind deep emotional trauma when he is thrown into the profitable fighting industry far east of home. There, the phlegmatic mute forms curious and unlikely bonds with an African elephant and two fellow cage fighters. He must overcome a decade of conditioning if he is to survive."
Title: Little Cages, book 1: Against the rapids
