sorry for the long delay... was busy writing a death note ff -_-°

but here it comes :D


Questions part 1: Replaced corpses, strip poker and the guy who jumps down a building


„So, we are making it like this.

The Jury, Aneu, Kondo and I will ask 3 question at a time to one of you and you both will write down how the other one would answer the question. For example, I will ask Hijikata what Gintokis favorite food is and both of you write the answer on the paper. Than Gintoki will give us his answer and Hijikata will read his own loud and we look if they match. Any questions? No? Alright lets get started."

„They are going to loose this one, they are terrible in matching." Kagura nods.

„So when it is our turn we just have to think what the other one would do and write it down. We will surely beat them in this."

„Course we do, sadist! We are the perfectest couple that ever existed."


„The First three are for Hijikata to answer.

1. You are on the way to a job, passing a café with parfait sales, when you hear a scream and see two men bulling a woman in a back alley. What do you do?" Shinpachi asked.

Thats easy! Far too easy! Guess we straight man have to stick together in the end.

Hijikata smiled and answered on the paper. Gintoki gives his paper Shinpachi and nods at him with a confident smile. He smirks back. Of course their similar thinking comes in handy at end.

When he has the full attention he began to read:

„I run in the back alley, beat up the bandits, check that the girl is safe. Then I give the men to the police and carry on to my job. After that on my way home, I eat a parfait with the money I got from my job."

He smiles proudly.

Especially the last part was tricky because, of course he would go to the parfait sale but like he knows the perm head, he never got money on him. He turns to Gintoki but finds him evading his eyes. What the..?

„Wrong." Shinpachi states calmly and does he seem cold? Wait. What?

What has he done wrong? He was so sure he managed to think like him!

„I immediately go in the café, because the job can wait for this golden opportunity. After I finish my delicious parfait I notice that I don't have any money on me and fake my identity as Shinpachi and sneak out. On the back alley I meet two nice guys who apparently where beat up by a girl and they pay me to get her back. After the finished job, I go with my full wallet to pachinko and get some drinks."

His words become more frozen near the end.

Hijikata blinks. Once.

Then:

„What the fuck? How the hell should I know that you would do something like this? Nobody would ever get this, you idiot! We must work together and be in character goddamn it! How should I know something like fake your ID as Shinpachi HAH? And Bloody hell who in the world order something before he looks if he has money! How low can you get?"

„OI! Don't get personal here! I only did the thing I normally would do! You should just reason that I fake an ID of an boring character to not be harassed by the waiters, if they see me again-"

-„Well Thanks a lot, Gin-san. Don't think I will ever lend you money again. In fact this explains a lot, like the last time I went to a restaurant…" -

„-And it is your fault for not thinking like me! I am completely in character! You have to adjust and do what I would do! Like Then I give the men to the police and carry on to my job.? I would never go to the police! As if I would let you tax robbers have the glory of my work! And if I would had rescued the girl I would have her pay me, so there would be no need to go to the job anymore!"

„Tch! How unreliable can you get? No honor for your or mine work you bastard. And what is this with the man beaten up? Huh? Where did this come from? In the question above it said clearly two men bulling a woman! How dumb can you be?"

„SHUT UP! We are in Gintama! There is no way that something so normal and cliché happens! I only did the reasonable thing, to do the unreasonable! In fact, every woman in this anime is a freaking monster, and than there should be something normal and weak like this? No way in hell! Just NO WAY! It was clearly a trick question!"

„What Trick question! The only one tricked was you, you moron!" Hijikata screamed in despair.

„Well that clearly shows how much in sync you truly are, Hijikata." Sougo snickers under his hand.

„I bet your vacations together are really relaxing." Kagura didn't even bother in trying to hide her huge grin and mischievous cackle.

He grits his teeth in anger and slowly calmed himself.

„Okay. I will try to manage, but you don't write anything too ridiculous!"

„Tch. There is nothing ridiculous in my way of live."

„Sure not." He mumbles disbelievingly and rolls his eyes. The sugar lover ignored it.


„Question 2." Otae said smiling.

„You are in a hostess bar, when you see your love of life laughing with other men. But you know they are in truth part of the yakuza and are trying to hit on her. You have no weapon and no money and you know your love needs this job and the money, to reestablish her dojo and succeed as heroine."

„Tch. Anego, don't you dare try again to take my spot!"

„Hmm, my, my Kagura-chan. I don't know what you mean, I just asked a question."

"Tch! Sneaky women."

"Envious child."

Okay, so this is a lot more complicated than the last question, but still manageable.

No! Wait. The last time he also thought he had the same Idea as Gin- Yorozuya, but it was something completely different.

Try to think like the perm head!

Try to think ridiculous.

„Okay done." He didn't bother to glance at the bastard, he must have it right this time!

„I casually make an entrance and challenge them at a contest of drinking, the loser has to pay. After we are all wasted, I make an remark about my not stupid permy hair, and we become drink buddies. They tell me they want to quit the Yakuza but didn't have enough courage, so I go with them, beat the Yakuza boss and they treat me to parfait." He paused and looked up. „They never lay hands on my girlfriend ever again. End."

Otae smiled at him pleased. „Wrong."

„Noooo!"

„What the heck did you do, you nicotine freak? Are we in Bleach, or Naruto were every bad guy converts? Were they became best buddies just like that?

And I would never challenge somebody to a drinking contest!" Gintoki shouts furious.

„How should I know? You just did the same at the previous question, asshole! Anyway, what did you write?"

Otae clears her throat and read poisonously:

„I immediately ran outside and persuaded a girl to switch clothes with me. Than, as Paako, I calmly make my entrance and challenge them to a party of strip poker-"

-„WHAT?" -

„After we are all in undergarment and they are piss drunk I make an remark about my totally not stupid permy hair and invite them to more permy stuff. We went to their hideout where I beat everybody up and threaten them with spilling how tiny their **** is and how they got beat up by a girl. They then pay me for my silence and my primal goal of eating parfait every day is achieved."

„Oi.." Hijikata seethed in a deep voice „You totally forgot about the girl, didn't you?"

Gintoki deadpans and picks his nose. „Well…"

„I don't believe it! Think like you my ass! There is no person in the world who can manage to reason with your behavior! And the only thing we had in common was the remark about the hair? Seriously? This is a lost cause!"

„Actually I give you some credit for this. And at least you both challenged the gangsters. So you were not completely off." Shinpachi argues kindly.

„Hah? Oi, glasses, don't go easy on them! They are clearly the worst possible match!"

„Yes, not be able to guess that Danna is going to cross-dress. Shame on you, Hijikata. If you want to escape this humiliation, fell free to ask." He unsheathes his sword.

„I can alway send you far away."

„How about, you commit seppuku? I am sure my embarrassment will cease if you're far away."

„How violent Hijikata! And here I wanted to offer my help. Don't expect me to help you furthermore."

„Help? What help! You just wanted to slice me in half, didn't you?"

„Ne, Hijikata, maybe you're becoming a little bit paranoid. Like when you accused me for standing far away when your car exploded. I think you are nurturing a huge self-centric paranoia, blaming everything that happens on the bystander. Maybe you should resign."

„Why you!"


„Yes, so question 3." Kondo interrupted before things could escalate.

„You are standing on a rooftop of a skyscraper and a guy and a parfait falls down, but you just have enough time to catch one of them. What do you do?"

okay...

Well, the obvious answer would be to safe the guy. But we are talking about Sakata Gintoki, the parfait loving sugar addict. Who cries if he spills some ice, and risks to got beat up for bargaining only one coupon.

And he has gotten everything else wrong so far. He glances towards Gintoki who writes concentrated with a wrinkle between the eyes.

What would he do?

What would he do?

Sweat drops ran down his head, he feels dizzy and starts lightly to tremble.

What would he do?

„Finished?" Kondo asked gently.

He nods. His head is swimming.

He is doomed.

He coughs and begins to read, failing to stop shaking.

„I jump of the roof catching the guys foot and using his hand to get the parfait. Then I throw the both of them back up while mid falling.

I want to grab a flag that is hanging outside the windows, but suddenly a piano crashes out beside me, with a fighting Katsura and Shinsengumi member on top. I manage to land on the piano and kick the police back into the building, thinking I can escape with Katsura, but when I turn he is already flying off with his parachute sending a thank you.

I desperately try to think of a solution, on top of the piano, falling down, when suddenly a huge strawberry milk bottle swallows me and the piano. I think I died till Kagura and Glasses help me out of the milk.

I am standing on the ground of the building and they tell me agitated, that we have a alien invasion, which are currently in the form of strawberry milk and parfaits. I ask the strawberry milk why it saved me, and it told me, that the parfait I rescued was in fact the princess of their planet sugar.

We than manage a peace treaty, because they come to the understanding that humans are worthy of their respect and treat sweets good. After they left I get a national savior badge and a free sugar card, which applies to all of the shops in the world for the rest of my live."

Silence.

He breaths loudly.

He slowly looked up to a stunned audience.

Gintoki watches him with huge disbelieving eyes.

„Y-you.." He starts, unable to comprehend and voice his astonishment.

But then slowly a sincere and grateful smile crossed his face, and Hijikata felt somehow taken aback. He didn't know the sugar freak could actually smile so sweet.

It kind of let him think what else he didn't know about him.

And if he could let this smile pass again.

Of course, all of this didn't change the outcome. There is no way anybody would think exactly the same in this detail, and they were fully apart before, and -

„Thats… right." Kondo said absolute bewildered.

Hijikata blinks.

He coughs.

„Ahem. What?"

„I said, you had it right. That is exactly the same."

Silence.

...

„WHAT?" Four person screamed dumbfounded.

„That can't be happening. This is hilarious. Who would get this right?"

„No! I refuse to believe that Gin-chan is on the same level as Mayora! Not my Gin-chan!"

„GIN-SAN! How could you write all this stuff and totally expect Hijikata-san, to think the same? Seriously you should change your way of thinking!"

„So… when I thought, what is the unreasonablest thing, that in this situation would ever happen, I was thinking just like you?"

„Yes, well… as the protagonist of Gintama it is the law that the unimaginable always occur."

He grins childishly. „I am amazed that you grasped it. Good thinking."

„Yes… well… in fact I wasn't thinking."

„Like I said. You grasped it."


„Okay, so now it is your turn Gin-san. Question 1.

You are on your patrol and walk across an open mayonnaise bottle when you spot Okita-san. What do you do?"

„Ha. Thats easy." Gintoki huffs. Hijikata only raises an eyebrow, not commenting it.

Well it should be obvious what he would do.

„Ahem. So. I grab the Mayonnaise bottle from the ground and gulp it immediately. While suffocating in the pleasure, Sofa-kun-" „Its Sougo." „-shoots a bazooka at me, which I can't avoid due to my attention for the Mayonnaise. I die."

Silence.

„Oh, I like that Danna. Quick thinking there."

A big vein pops on Hijikata's head.

„What the fuck? Did you just die me off? Did you just kill me? AND LIKE THIS? From Sougo? If I should die than at least from the Joui! I'm not that cheep and easy to kill, you asshole!"

Gintoki looks puzzled.

„It's wrong? Really? No way!"

Shinpachi coughs loudly.

„I deliberately pass the mayonnaise bottle, since I have two more in my pocket and I shouldn't be too greedy and steel the poor kids their food. Additional is Sougo in sight, meaning, it could be venomed or be a bomb. After I overstep the booby trap, avoid the laser cutter, jump over the trap door and evade a landslide, I continue to follow the leads of the Joui."

„Tch. Oi, Mayora! Be more natural. And think more like me, will you?"

„What? You crazy? This is your turn! You must think like me! Now don't blame your failure on me!"

„What failure? It's a sign of brilliance when I can't lower myself to your standard."

„YOU ASSHOLE! And I worked my ass off in trying to think like you! Listen you idiot, we don't want to loose right? So get your shit together!"

Gintoki picks his nose and waves indifferent, succeeding in angering the vice-commander more.

„This is truly wonderful. Hijikata being humiliated and in panic. Nothing I could ask more off."

„Yeah, Gin-chan obviously didn't expect them to be so bad. Now if they mess up and we win in this round, then we didn't need to advance to round two."

Kagura and Sougo snicker devilish. „It's certainly our win."


„Question 2." Otae starts.

„You are on a raid and storm the house, but when you confront the boss he holds a girl hostage. What do you do?"

„I ran towards the boss and ditch the girl -hopefully will she lead a happy live in the afterworld- succeeding in cutting them both down. After I fulfilled my duty I mourn for the civil victim and got caught of guard by Sougo. I get hit by his bazooka and die."

„OI! DO YOU WANNA SAY SOMETHING TO ME? DO YOU WANT ME DEATH, HUH? GOT A PROBLEM WITH ME? SAY IT! I WANNA HEAR IT! I REALLY DO!"

„Oi, how unprofessional Hijikata-kun~. Every human being is fated to die someday. How Shameful, believing you're different." Gintoki tries to hide his smirk but failed deliberately.

„YOU… !" Hijikata is unable to mouth anything in his fury.

Gintoki snickers.

He loved to tease the man. His angry expression and pulsating vein was sugar to him. Additionally they didn't need to work anymore. With Hijikata's lucky strike they had won this round. Hijikata maybe didn't see it, but the plan of the kids was going to fail horrible.

Before they could cooperate, the hell would froze.

Thus, he reasoned, it was a good time for having his fun with him.

Besides, seriously, of course he knew what happens inside of his head.

He probably draw back, let the Boss be sniped by one of his man and rescued the girl.

„I let the Boss escape and follow him with our helicopters, all according to the plan. The Boss leads us right to the underground organization, which makes money though organ traffic. As discussed the man storm the place and blockade all escape-routes. When I join my man, I face the Boss. He held his pistole at the head of the girl. I grin and in a epic high-speed move behead him. After I helped the curiously shocked hostage, we succeed in eliminating the whole evil organization."

… Huh? What? He was in the wrong? N-no way. He thought he could think like him, for sure.

Really? He failed in analyzing the Mayora? He never failed. If he misjudged a person on the battlefield he would die.

Does this mean, their fight would be even? Outcome not predictable?

The angry nicotine addict was totally foreseeable.

He only needs to provoke him once and he is totally open.

It couldn't be that the Mayora was only like that with him, could it?

Hijikata couldn't possible trust him, could he?

And did he let himself be vulnerable for thinking the other was inferior to him?

Does this mean he trusts him as well?

No way. Not happening.

He can definitely read him.

He will prove it. The next question. He will certainly have it right then.


„Question 3. You are standing on a rooftop of a skyscraper and a guy and a Mayonnaise bottle falls down, but you just have enough time to catch one of them. What do you do?" Kondo asks.

Huh? This is the exact question he asked Hijikata! Has the Gorilla mercy? Is he helping us to the goal? No. He surely thinks this is a trick question.

But, its's easy right? He just have to do the exact same thing like before.

You know this, right Hijikata-kun? You understand what we must do, right?

That is his chance of getting it right! Not that he needs Hijikata's help for thinking like him. No. Not he.

He glances to his side and sees a distressed man, writing with a wrinkle between his eyes.

Okay, alright, he got it. They are clearly thinking the same.

No way he will disappoint himself again.

Surely not. He will certainly manage to make it this time!

„Okay, I am done." He mumbles.

Oi, why am I so nervous? This is only a game! No point in getting anxious!

„I jump of the roof catching the guys foot and using his hand to get the Mayonnaise. Then I throw the both of them back up while mid falling. I want to grab a flag that is hanging outside the windows, but suddenly a piano crashes out beside me, with a fighting Sougo and joui Patriots on top.

I manage to land on the piano and kick the patriots back into the building, thinking I can escape with Sougo, but when I turn he is already jumping off with a bungie jumping rope, sending a „Die Hijikata." and a time bomb.

I quickly manage to throw it away, making a huge explosion in the building while desperately trying to think of a solution, on top of the piano, falling down, when suddenly a huge Mayonnaise bottle swallows me and the piano.

I think I died till Sougo slashes the bottle, barely missing me, and Kondo helps me out of it. I am standing on the ground of the building and they tell me agitated, that we have a alien invasion, which are currently in the form of Mayonnaise bottles.

I ask the Mayonnaise why it saved me, and it tells me, that the mayo bottle I rescued was in fact the princess of their planet sour. We than manage a peace treaty, because I willed into marrying the Mayonnaise princess and thus are worthy of their respect and they understand that humans treat sour things good. After we get off to the Mayoplanet I get a national savior badge and live happily as the prince of Mayo for the rest of my live."

Silence.

He look up to a annoyed audience.

„What?" He shouts offended.

„Gin-san, you truly have no imagination. That's exactly the same Hijikata-san said before."

„Yeah! Don't be so cheep Gin-chan! Don't drop to Mayoras level!"

-„OI!"-

„But the bungee jump rope was a good idea. Maybe I should try it sometime."

Gintoki looks at Hijikata who glares at him irritated, eyes scrunched, teeth gritted.

„You stupid Bastard. Didn't we already agreed that this action requires no thinking? Didn't you yourself said that this only happens to you, the protagonist?"

„Oi, why are you so angry? Maybe I said it but still we are in Gintama, so.."

„Since when did I act so stupid? I'm not the protagonist, but a side character you Dickhead! I'm not as ridiculous and unreasonable like you!"

„Yes, about that.." Kondo initiates blankly.

„I will read it now….

I immediately catch the Mayo bottle and secure her tightly to my chest. When I look over the edge and see a dead body I pick my cellphone and call the ambulance and Kondo-san in telling him, that one of the mischievous plans of the Joui had succeeded.

I then search for Yamazaki and beat him up for not spying the area properly, because something horrible like this happened. When I got home I place the Mayonnaise safely in my cupboard, thanking the mayo god that nothing more terrifying happened, like that it actually fall over.

Luckily it only got a scare but nothing more serious. I go to bed, proud of myself of the work accomplished today."

Shocked silence.

Sougo stares at Hijikata disapprovingly, Kagura still in the process of progressing the information -moth wide open-, Shinpachi speechlessly trying to mouth something, Otae musters him coldly, Kondo having a look of disappointment and Gintoki simply gaping wide eyed.

„What?" Hijikata shouts offended. „The mayonnaise was clearly in distress!"

„I think something in your head is in distress. Your braincells probably drowned in the yellow cream of horror. Didn't know your disease was already this far in progress. My mistake."

„No, no Danna, this isn't a disease, it's a mutation. If it was a sickness he should have died already. It didn't happen, sadly."

„I am never going to wonder why you are this stupid ever again, sadist."

„I kinda feel ditched. I thought we were straight-man-buddies. And now you betray me and join the side of the ridiculous characters. Don't think we will ever have a straight-man dinner again! You're history, you hear? I never want to see you again! Lead a lucky live on the other side without me!"

(„No! Our straight-man dinners!")

„Wow, Glasses, you're not only a transformation thief and a loser without character, now you leveled up to a abandoned house wife." Kagura flips to Sougo. „Now I understand why he is so itchy one time in the month."

„I'm not a girl! I only become itchy when you guys leave trash lying around in the whole house!"

„This wasn't quite convincing, Patsuan."

„If you weren't my stupid stalker and a disgusting gorilla and man, I would feel sorry for you. Not only a bazooka firing sadist brat, but also a mental disordered vice-commander. No wonder you cling to the full-of-love-giving me."

Kondo still stares blankly into space.

„Toshi… Didn't I already told you last time that we could replace your Mayonnaise bottles, but not the person?"

„No, Go-..Kondo-san! It isn't the same! I can't live with the thought of loosing one! Each of them have individuality! I can't just replace them! Replace the person, for all I care!"

„No.. Toshi, we can't replace a person. We can only hide the corpse." A tiny tear roles down at the corner of his eye.

„Tch. Damn gorilla. Of course we can replace the guy. Just get one of the orphans, teach him how the other one had lived, talked, walked and wait till it is an adult, then give him a make-over and you have a perfect copy. Easy right?"

„Yeah… easy…" Kondo couldn't hold back his tears, streaming freely and moisten his jacket.

„Oi. Gorilla. Did you just said last time?"

„Kondo-san I have lost faith in the police, in the government and especially in the Shinsengumi."

„Gorilla, I always knew you were scum, but I didn't expect you to decease to the shit of the flies who eat the scum."

„Oi, Gorilla. You just destroyed the dreams of these Children. Take responsibility, will you."

„Kondo-san. Can I kill this Mayo monster now? It clearly damages our reputation."

„Like I said, just replace the corpse, eliminate the witnesses, bribe the higher-ups and everything will go fine."

„No, nothing will go fine, your brain is already beyond hope." Gintoki deadpans and knocks on his skull. After hearing a echo he nods and gives him a card of Yorozuya Gin-san's Psychotherapy.

Hijikata burns it and they reduce their argument to a simple fistfight.


Yes, yes... I know it's not 100% in character and in the most fics Hijikata is always the straight man...

but he has his unreasonable fetish's too and honestly, I like them both being totally absurd :D

Also... noticed how they always got something positive in their thoughts about the other? (well mostly in the last chapter but it continues through the story..)

Well, anyway, soon there will be the second part with Kagura and Sougo..

will they beat them in the game? Any ideas of how they will answer the questions? O.O

Hope you laughed and liked it so far...