Little Tragedies, Issue 4


Author's Foreword

Issue 4 is up! Yay! Delivery keeps improving, I hope. As you will see, I eventually pick up characters best suited for certain jokes or situations. I may make a mistake here and there but come on! We all do mistakes! Plus, come on, really, are you honestly going to post a hate comment because you think that I didn't do a good job on one of them? Grow up.

In any case, enjoy!


Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)


Rumble and Frenzy:

"Mommy! We were in The Grand Museum of Cybertron today! It was a class trip!"

Tracks:

"Oh, neat! What did you like best?"

"Arcee's skirt ripped off …"


Rumble and Frenzy:

"Daddy! Can you write your signature with your eyes closed?"

"Affirmative."

"Can you do that on our report cards?"


Rumble and Frenzy:

"Mommy! We just saw a huge bulldozer like whole 10 stories tall!"

Tracks:

"I told you billions of times not to exaggerate!"


Tracks:

"Rumble! Frenzy! Who taught you that word?"

"Santa did when he tripped over Ravage."


Soundwave when he was picking an apartment:

"Concern: is this apartment quiet?"

Swindle:

"Oh, yeah! It is very quiet, no noise- hell, they didn't even hear how the previous owner was shot!"


Soundwave:

"Vacation was great! The ocean, the fruits, Tracks! Inquiry: How was yours?"

Swindle:

"Mine wasn't that great actually. A dirty pool, vegetables and Arcee."


Warpath comes to Ratchet:

"All right, Warpath, do you talk in your sleep?"

"More like I talk to people when they sleep."

"Huh?"

"I am a university professor."


Ratchet:

"Hey, Shockwave, I didn't know you were studying to be a doctor too!"

"Indeed I was!"

"What made you change your mind?"

"It was rather boring with anesthetics."


Arcee to Ratchet:

"I have noticed that I begun gaining weight, can you suggest anything to me?"

"Do you eat pastry?"

"No."

"No bread?"

"No."

"What? No sweets at all?"

"No."

"All right, what food do you like?"

"I like oranges …"

"WELL YOU CAN'T EAT THEM!"


Shockblast to a psychiatrist:

"I have a monster under my bed."

"Just send him off somewhere …"

On the next day a monster comes:

"Hey, Shockblast told me to come here …"


Ramjet comes to Ratchet:

"I have a problem …"

"Do you drink?"

"No."

"Do you have unprotected sex?"

"No."

"Do you smoke?"

"No."

"Then?"

"I lie …"


Swindle was once mistaken for a doctor, Bulkhead:

"Doctor! I have trouble breathing!"

"Can you breathe with just your left lung?"

"No."

"Can you breathe with just your right lung?"

"No. Oh, slag! Doctor! Am I going to be fine?"

"Yup, buy a three months subscription for Channel FISHit and you should be fine."


The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)


Seaspray, Powerglide, Warpath and Cosmos ... forever alone …


Everybody else unmentioned … forever alone …


Optimus comes to Arcee's dad:

"Sir, may I ask for your daughter's hand?"

"Well, aren't you a sly one? Take the whole thing!"


Arcee:

"I met him at 20 and I left him at 23 …"

Springer:

"Yeah, I agree, three hours is more than enough."


An new Autobot comes to Arcee:

"Excuse me, when I see your smile I really want to meet you and …"

Arcee blushes.

"… no no! Don't be embarrassed, I am a dentist!"


Prowl wants to prove that ghosts don't exist so he goes to one of the most haunted castles on Earth and asks one of the men taking care of it:

"Excuse me, during your stay here, have you seen any ghosts at all?"

"No, that is quite amazing actually. They say that this whole place is haunted but in the 800 years that I lived here, I haven't seen a single one."


Optimus is trying to do his own laundry:

"Arcee, what do I do with the machine? What setting?"

"Look at your shirt, what does it say?"

"W.I.F.E. – washing, ironing, f******, etc."


Arcee and Elita One are sitting at a bar. Tracks comes by and they ask him:

"Hey, Tracks, want to have some beer and maybe some 'fun' later?"

"Sorry ladies, I am here to get laid."


Arcee is showing Optimus her childhood album:

"… and see this picture with a little kid on this old woman's lap? What do you think? You like me?"

"Yeah but who is the little kid …"


Plane, Springer exits the cockpit with a parachute and sighs.

Red Alert:

"What's wrong?"

Springer sighs again. Red Alert:

"What's wrong?"

Springer sighs another time. Red Alert:
"WHAT'S WRONG?"

Springer:

"Eh, problems at work."


Springer to all recruits:

"Nobody tell Rodimus that the Earth is round, he will make us straighten it out."


In prison, Swindle and Blitzwing are talking. Swindle:

"So I got this girlfriend …"

"Dude, you are in prison for 2 million years; she forgot you by now, or got a new boyfriend …"

"That she did not!"

"How do you know?"

"She is in prison too."


Arcee dressed up as a fairy tale character:

"Hey, Optimus, sweety! I came to you from a fairy tale!"

"From which one?"

"From a good one!"

"They kicked you out?"


Rodimus:

"Who ate my sausages?"

"Some cat …"

"What a pig!"


Elita One and Arcee are talking. Elita One:

"What's wrong? You seem tired!"

"I didn't get any sleep …"

"A nightmare?"

"Yeah."

"Tell me!"

"I don't really …"

"No! Come on! It will make you feel better!"

"All right, fine. So Lightspeed and Tracks come to my apartment and begin fighting over me."

"Oh, wow! They are both so cute! Aren't they? That's not a nightmare! That's a really pleasant dream!"

"Yeah, they are but …"

"So who won?"

"Optimus."


Hot Rod:

"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

Hot Rod's dad:

"Sweety! Come here! He finally smartened up!"


Hot Rod, happy:

"Guys! I finally got a girlfriend! I have been chasing girls for so long and she is just so much better than the rest!"

Springer:

"She runs slower than the rest?"


Perceptor:

"Wheeljack, what are you working on?"

"I am working on a mirror with built-in photoshop."

"What? Why? We only have five fembots!"


Ratchet at some point had to fill in as one of the doctors in a mental asylum.

Patient 1:

"What's your name?"

Patient 2:

"Julius Caesar."

Patient 1:

"How do you know?"

Patient 2:

"God told me."

From another cell:

"He is lying! I never told him anything!"


Ratchet back in medical school. His professor:

"I, for one, can stand all the gore in any operation."

Ratchet:

"Experience?"

"No, bad vision."


Ratchet:

"All right, Hot Rod, you will be taking these pills for the rest of your life."

"… but it says here for 2 months."

"Yes, I just said that."


Ratchet's first operation, he is assisting. Ratchet to Hot Rod (patient):

"Would you like a cheap anesthetic or an expensive one?"

Hot Rod:

"A cheap one please."

"Twinkle twinkle little star …"


After the operation, Ratchet comes to Hot Rod and asks him how he is feeling:

"I am better but I have a head ache …"

"Sorry kid, we ran out of anesthetics …"


Hot Rod:

"Ratchet! You are a doctor! Know any doctor jokes?"

"What jokes? I am tired! How about you swing a chainsaw for a few decacyles and see for yourself …"


Springer:

"… but Ratchet! I really am sick!"

"You are not really sick, it is your mind playing tricks on you! Just keep telling yourself that you are not sick and you should be fine."

Springer stands up and is about to leave, Ratchet:

"Wait! You didn't pay me!"

"It is your mind playing tricks on you! Just keep telling yourself that you were paid and you should be fine …"


Hot Rod looking at his medical history:

"Hey, Ratchet, what does F.I.I.K. stand for in the section of current maladies?"

"Fuck if I know."


Rodimus peeks at his medical history.

"No mental or psychological problems noted, he is just an idiot …"


Alpha Trion:

"I keep forgetting things!"

Ratchet:

"For how long have this been going on?"

"What?"

"You forgetting things."

"What things?"


Ratchet picks up the phone:

"Hello?"

"Hey, Ratchet! I drank 10 liters of milk, ate 50 pickles, 40 apples, 5 bars of chocolate and 12 steaks. I have a question: should I wash the strawberries or does it matter anymore?"


Ratchet:

"All right, Grimlock, what seems to be the problem?"

"Me, Grimlock, first eat lots of fish, ate a stuffed bun, then 3 kegs of olives, drank 30 liters of milk, 20 jars of pickles, 50 water melons, 50 steaks, 10 kilograms of wasabi, a chair, a video camera, part of the rec room, drank 70 gallons of coffee, 25 pizzas and lots of Pixie Sticks. Grimlock think got food poisoning from stuffed bun."


Ratchet back in medical school, his professor:

"We, surgeons, have so many enemies in life!"

Someone from the crowd:

"Especially in afterlife."


Hot Rod:

"Ratchet! My tummy hurts!"

"All right, lie down, I will amputate your ears."

"WHAT?"

Hot Rod comes to Hoist:

"Hoist! My tummy hurts! Ratchet wanted to amputate my ears!"

"Oh, goodness, these surgeons always want to cut things. Here, take these pills, your ears will fall off by themselves."


Ratchet:

"Hot Rod, I got good news and I got bad news."

"What's the bad news?"

"Your relationships with fembots fail because you are homosexual."

"And the good news?"

"You are very cute …"


Ratchet:

"He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not …"

Hot Rod:

"Leave my teeth alone!"


Arcee:

"Hoist, do you have anything for weight loss? Something cheap?"

"Yes, duct tape."

"What do I do with it?"

"Tape it to your mouth."


"Hey, Ratchet, every time I look in the mirror I feel nauseous, what's wrong with me?"

"Nothing, Arcee, but your vision seems to be fine."


Under The Degree (G1)


Drunk Blitzwing comes to the cafeteria:

"Hey, guys! Want me to bring a tank inside?"

Everybody has been very curious lately as to how far some of them would go once they are drunk so they thought, hey, why not?

"Sure, bring it."

"All right!"

A few minutes later Blitzwing runs back in with a huge letter "T" on his back.

"What is this?"

"Tank! I need to find A, N and K now."


Arcee and Optimus had a kid, Ratchet delivered the baby and it turns out the kid was a Decepticon. He didn't know how to tell this to Optimus Prime so he gave Iron Hide a huge keg of beer:

"Ok, Iron Hide, here is what you are going to do: you will tell Optimus about his kid, that he shouldn't worry, it happens, you know, like with humans; genes, mutations and so on."

Iron Hide got drunk off that keg of beer, and finally found Optimus:

"Hey! Optimus! Arcee gave birth! You got a human Decepticon mutant! Called him Gene!"


"Hey, Cliffjumper, have you ever tried spiritism to deal with your anger problem?"

"No, I only drink ale."


At some point, Hound got a part time job of a guide at some of Earth's oldest architectural sites:

"… and this statue is over three thousand years old!"

Rodimus, drunk:

"How? It is 2011!"


At a party, a fembot comes up to drunk Optimus:

"Excuse me, are you married?"

"Kinda, not really …"


Megatron, drunk, has to give a speech; all his soldiers gathered to hear it:

"My fellow Decepticons … OH MY GOD! YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE!"


Rodimus, drunk, comes to Ratchet:

"Ratchet! I poke my leg, it hurts! I poke my face, it hurts! I poke my chest, it hurts!"

"Rodimus, your finger is broken."


Rodimus, drunk, in an elevator:

"Was it Virgo? No, Scorpio? No, Taurus? Oh, hell."

Goes back to Ratchet:

"Was it Libra? No, wait! Capricorn!"

Ratchet:

"Cancer."


Ratchet:

"Kup! How many bottles of sake do you drink in a day?"

"Four."

"I said that you can drink only two!"

"Smokescreen also said that I can drink two …"


Author's Notes:

Today I will probably post another one but that will depend on my mood. I am up to 22 now and writing 23!

Do not forget to comment!

Thanks to C.M.D. for reviewing and editing!