Saturday was unusually warm for late February. Alex had her black morning coffee standing upright against the white wooden banister of the porch. The breeze smelled deliciously of spring. The lawn looked better than it had; there were hints of primroses growing in patches. It was almost eleven. Alex had only to wait for a moment and Piper would be there, she had to do nothing and she would come, so now Alex could just lean against that banister while her insides fluttered and the corners of her mouth again and again jerked upwards into a smirk.
Sure enough, a car soon drove up with the driver's window rolled down. Piper's eyes were squinted against the sun.
"Hey," she said.
"Hey," said Alex. They were both grinning. Alex swirled the coffee round in her mug, drank the rest in one gulp, and left the mug on the porch as she walked swiftly towards the car.
"Good morning," said Piper as Alex got in. Alex shifted her glasses on her nose and fastened her seat belt.
"Have you eaten?" Piper asked.
"No."
"I thought so, I got you a donut."
"Piper," laughed Alex.
"It's a special occasion!"
She handed Alex a small brown paper bag. "There's tea in the thermos," she said, motioning to an old backpack on the backseat, "I packed a picnic, I guess. Cause I thought we might take a hike or something."
"Wow," said Alex, not being able to contain her grin, "What a treat. Thanks, Pipes."
She took a peek into the bag and saw that it was chocolate glazed with rainbow sprinkles.
"I thought about getting two," said Piper, "but you'd always get two and then never eat the second, or you'd eat it and then regret it."
Alex chuckled and shook her head. She could feel Piper watching her, holding her breath, and so she looked up quickly. She didn't know how to thank Piper for the donut. If she thanked her again, it would be over-the-top, but she was touched by how Piper had remembered her favorite donut, for making this something special, for caring enough to make a fucking picnic for them. She quickly leaned forward to kiss Piper's cheek and withdrew just as quickly.
"Ass-kisser," she muttered. They drove off.
"I heard about a trail at Ten-Mile-River?" Piper said. "It's a forty minute drive. We could see how far we get and if we don't like it we can always drive to Liberty or something."
"My mom and I once tried that trail one summer. She said she used to take it with her dad before he died. Anyway, we didn't make it very far because we got distracted somehow, I think it was basically that we discovered a swimming hole or something, we just kind of said Fuck it, y'know? It was so pretty. We just stayed there and bathed and played cards and went home in the evening."
They drove in silence for a while. The familiar road, leading through the woods, was bleak in February. Growing up, Alex had thought it was the most boring thing imaginable and got out as fast as she could, but now she didn't mind. The sun slanted through the trees, the air had that shimmering translucent quality, and the thawing road glistened ahead. It was nice, really.
"Ugh," mumbled Piper, "it's nice to see some trees for a change."
"Yeah," said Alex.
She realized that according to the rules of small talk, she was now expected to enquire about Piper's tree-less life in the city, but this would lead to a kind of quid-pro-quo, and Alex talking about her own life and how she was now broker than broke after last night's escapade in the bar, which would lead to Piper's concern over Alex finding a proper job. So she didn't say anything. It was too risky. If they had a fight in the car, she'd be trapped.
"How's Cal?" Alex suddenly asked. She had never met Piper's brother, but the woods suddenly made her think of him.
"He's, y'know, good!" said Piper. "He has a kid now."
"What," said Alex.
"Yeah, I know. She's going to start school in the fall, and she's quite a handful. They send her to this Waldorf-y Kindergarten in the woods where the kids are basically forced to stay outdoors all day. They wear really warm clothes and build tree houses and play games. So she's kind of wild. I get the feeling you could just lock her out of the house and she'd be fine on her own."
"No shit," said Alex. "Did they give her some kind of Wiccan name, too?"
Piper laughed. "I almost don't want to tell you now."
"Can I guess? Is it Echo?"
"No."
"Leaf?"
"No, stop it."
"Is it something to do with a branch, like Twig?"
"No!"
"Come on. Is it Sprout? Fog, maybe? Or Root?"
"Cut it out!" Piper was giggling. Alex loved making Piper giggle like that.
"Alex," Piper shook her head, "ugh, you! Moment's passed. I'm not telling you my niece's name just so you can tease her."
She was smiling though, and Alex's mouth twitched with a smile as well. She was pleased with herself.
"Why does everyone have to have kids," Alex muttered, "Like it's the last fucking frontier or something. Like there's nothing more exciting you can do, nothing left, or something."
"Well, what else is there to do?" Piper said quietly.
"Travel the world, write a fucking book, watch every single John Ford movie, build up some business, I haven't a clue, I don't know what it's all about. I just know that we just all are born with these giant gaping holes inside of all of us that we try to fill it with something and eventually we just fill it with babies and pets 'cause they're soft and cute and say unexpected things or look cute when they're running around in circles."
Piper didn't say anything for a while. Then she said, "I hear ya, Al."
"I don't mean that I think that Cal's not a good dad. I'm sure he's a great dad, actually. I just don't know what a person is supposed to do, I guess."
Alex took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes. Her speech had exhausted her. She waited for Piper to come up with some string of bullshitty advice, but Piper just nodded. Then Piper turned to her and said, matter-of-factly:
"Sometimes I feel the same. And sometimes I pretend not to."
They parked their car at Ten-Mile-River. Theirs was the only car. The canoe rental place was closed, as well. Alex walked down to the river, stretched, and yawned. The river made a sweet, mumbling noise. Alex could feel Piper watching her. She could feel herself wanting Piper, wanting to reach out and pull her close. She turned to Piper, who was shouldering the backpack, and grinned. Piper grinned as well. There was nothing to say and so much to be said. Alex yawned again. "Jeez," she said.
"Long night?"
Alex rolled her eyes. She could tell Piper wanted to know more, so she changed the subject, "Trail starts over there, I guess."
There was a small hut with a clipboard inside for hikers to sign themselves in. Alex immediately went for it, scribbling down GANDALF XOXOXO.
The trail started off as a dirt road along the river and then swerved off uphill into the forest. They walked for a half hour in silence until they crossed over a little waterfall where the water gathered in a dark pool near a large slab of rock.
"Is this where you and your mom hung out?"
"I don't know," said Alex, "it might've been."
"We should come here some summer," Piper murmured.
"We're here right now," said Alex. It would have been so easy to take Piper's hand now, but they were going uphill again and the path was too narrow to walk side-by-side. It reminded Alex of being a teenager. Piper walked up ahead, climbing nimbly and swiftly, and Alex enjoying the view of her ass. She called out, "You sure you want to carry that backpack, kid?"
"Oh yeah, I'm fine," Piper called over her shoulder.
At last the ground flattened a little, the path widened and Alex caught up with Piper. It was very quiet. A dripping noise was coming from the trees. Their footsteps echoed. Every now and then, a creaking forest-noise could be heard in the distance.
"You think the black bears are up from hibernating?" said Piper.
"God, I hope so," said Alex. "If you see one, walk away slowly and don't look it in the eyes. They're at their hungriest now and there's little food yet."
This made Piper snicker to herself.
"What?" said Alex.
"Nothing," said Piper.
"Is it me, being such a girl scout? It's just what they'd always tell us –"
"Oh, it just reminds me of someone I know."
Alex looked around confusedly, but she never actually got the joke.
They had lunch on the clearing high up on the cliff, overlooking the river and the woods. The bare trees far off in the distance glowed reddish in the midday light. The sun shone on their faces and warmed the rocks. Piper spread an old blanket so they could eat, sitting and watching the river and the birds. "Look," said Alex, "TVs. You know what a TV is?"
"Is it a Turkey Vulture?"
Some turkey vultures were circling an area far down the river bend. "There's probably some road kill up along the road towards Liberty," mumbled Alex, chewing her food thoughtfully. "That view is fucking beautiful. Who needs Cambodia, right?"
They washed the sandwiches down with tea. It was growing cold, sitting huddled on the rocks of the windy cliff, but they felt too comfortable to leave. Alex had the urge to thank Piper for the picnic, but instead she motioned for Piper to come sit closer. "You're looking kind of cold over there, Kid," she said, and patted the spot at her side. Piper crawled over and Alex placed an arm around her and drew her close. She thought she could feel Piper's heart beating right through her back. It made Alex smile. They watched the view. "This is nice," said Piper.
"Mhm," said Alex.
"You smell nice, too," said Piper.
"Of old house?"
"No, I mean of you."
Alex chuckled. "Is that why you took my t-shirt?"
"Did not, it's –"
They went quiet again. Alex moved her hand up and down Piper's back awkwardly. What she really wanted to do was kiss Piper, but she felt that she wanted it almost too badly, and if she did, it wouldn't be good. Then Piper turned to look at her, and her look was full of longing, and Alex's heart rose to her throat. She gently touched Piper's face and kissed her.
Piper's mouth was so small and hot and eager, her cheeks so cold, Alex thought her own heart would break through her chest, cracking her ribs. She could feel Piper's thin hands running through her hair and along her neck, fidgeting with the collar of her shirt. It was growing almost unbearable, and Alex withdrew. Piper put her hand up to her mouth. Neither apologized. They cleaned up their site, calmly packed the backpack, and walked on in silence.
It was around three when they got back to the car. Their faces were flushed and fresh, and they thankfully hadn't spoken of the kiss. Only at times, their fingers had grazed each other's palms before withdrawing. They were tired, the good kind of weary tired one gets from exercise and fresh air, but they decided to drive to Liberty anyway and get something to eat. It was a nice town, the kind of town nice people from the city came to on the weekends, and the thrift shops and used bookstores were still open. Alex discreetly eyed a place selling used bicycles. There was one up for eighty dollars, which she didn't have and was also short of thanks to last night's escapade. It was a real shitty-looking bike anyway.
A mannequin in the thrift shop was wearing a short, low cut blue velvet dress. "Hey, that brings back memories," said Piper. They stopped to look at it and Piper turned to Alex. "I haven't seen you in something like that in like a thousand years."
Alex pushed her hands into the pockets of her parka and guffawed.
"It does look like something I used to wear, huh," she said, swinging her long hair back over her shoulder in a gesture of disinterest, "Cheaper than what I used to wear, though."
She walked on. She didn't like thinking of what her legs would look like now, in that dress. Or how she would feel, wearing something like that. There was a record collection in the used bookstore a little further on. Piper was lingering somewhere behind her, probably browsing. "Hey Pipes," Alex called, "I'm just going to check this out, okay?"
"Okay," Piper called back, "I'll be with you in a sec."
Alex headed straight to the stack of records under D until she found two records under Death Maiden, which she slipped out and stared at. She hadn't done that in a thousand years either, maybe more. The two record covers still looked pretty much the same to what they had looked like in her childhood, in her mother's collection, when she had gone to them again and again just to catch a glimpse of her father. There he was. She just had to walk into a thrift shop to find him. Consistently. Good looking, in that picture. It was almost good to see him. Was he dead now? Alex realized she didn't even know.
"Hey," said Piper gently, coming up to her from behind, "Whatcha doin'?"
Alex looked at her and smirked sadly. She held up one of the records. "That's my father. The drummer."
Piper gasped genuinely. She looked at the record cover for a while, then handed it back and said, "Makes sense, I guess. He's tall, your mom wasn't."
"Oh she used to be, though."
"Well, he looks more like Sasquatch, I guess."
Alex laughed.
"Anyway, let's eat, I'm starving."
Alex glanced at the menu, adjusted her glasses, and frowned. "My treat," Piper said quickly.
"In that case…" said Alex. She ordered a deluxe burger with potato wedges and a giant glass of root beer in a sultry voice.
"Mhm mmhm," said Piper, "Bacon and caramel onions, eh?"
"I enjoy extravagance," Alex drawled. She put down her menu. "Thanks, Piper. This isn't going to last forever, I promise."
"You prah-miss," said Piper with a wink. They held each other's gaze for a moment, trying to trace the respective fossil of hurt and anger the other was feeling. Alex pushed up her glasses, reached out across the table and took Piper's hand. They looked each other in the eyes. "I fucking mean it, okay," she said.
"Okay," said Piper.
Their drinks came. Alex unwrapped one side of her straw and blew the rest of the paper sheath across at Piper, laughing goofily. "Ugh," giggled Piper.
"Been wanting to do that ever since we got in here."
"Hey," said Piper, "I got you something."
She reached out and placed a brown paper bag on Alex's side of the table. Alex looked at the package and then at her. "What the fuck," she said.
"Open it!" said Piper.
"Pipes, isn't this getting a bit excessive?"
"Shut up and open it."
Alex opened the bag and caught a glimpse of blue velvet. Something in her head made a crackling sound, like the paper containing the blue velvet dress. She knew she needed to say thank you, yet couldn't make herself smile anymore.
"Fuck," she said. She looked at Piper, who was still wearing an excited expression on her face. Gradually, the corners of Piper's mouth dropped and her eyes hardened.
"Is this some kind of charity ball?" muttered Alex.
"I didn't –" said Piper, her voice hoarse with emotion, "that's not – No! It's just a present."
"Oh, right," said Alex. "So are you going to start buying my clothes from now on?"
"No, I thought it looked nice. I thought it'd look nice on you."
Alex mimicked Piper's expression. She could feel the temper building in her, her face growing hot.
"You used to buy me dresses," said Piper. Her voice was dangerously low. "Even when I objected. You used to buy them because you wanted me to look the way you wanted me to look."
"Well, I had a lot of money to throw around, as we both know. And I've paid for it, haven't I. In so many ways."
Piper exhaled loudly. She put her hands on the table and hissed,
"I'm sorry if it so fucking offends you that I saw this dress that, excuse me, would look fucking amazing on you. And that I bought it for you, so that you could, I don't know, get out of the house every once in a while. Go to a party. Meet people. Whatever!"
"Go to a party and meet people?" Alex could sense her own voice rumbling meaner and meaner, "Would you like me to date other women, is that what you're saying?"
"Maybe you should!" snapped Piper. There was a pause.
"Wait, what do you mean by that?" said Alex quickly.
"Nothing, I'm sorry," said Piper, "forget it."
"No, what did you mean?"
"I said, I'm sorry."
"Would you like to date other women? Is that it?"
Piper looked exhausted. She rolled her eyes. "No, of course not," she said finally.
Alex looked out of the window. She saw two thin boys on the other side of the street, swinging round and round the pole of a traffic sign. A car drove past. Alex's sight was blurring. She grimaced and said, without looking at Piper, "I'm being unfair and ridiculous and an asshole, I know. I'm fucking embarrassed."
"You are an asshole. You've always been something of an asshole."
Piper's voice was kind.
"Yeah," Alex laughed. She wiped away a tear. Then another came, and another. Alex kept on laughing, wiping away the moisture coming from her eyes. She pulled down her glasses and sniffed. "Fuck. I'm sorry. I fucking love this goddamn dress. Thank you."
"You're welcome."
"I haven't got any shoes to wear it with."
"You'll find something."
Alex dragged in the moisture through her nose and looked at Piper. Piper looked back. They reached out and held hands across the table until their food came.
