Author's Notes: All the previous chapters have been changed dramatically, so I guess this has loads of new stuff in it.
StarrNight: Yeah, Jack is less of a psycho now and (slightly) more normal. The language has been toned down as well in order to make Jack more sympathetic and to generally clean up the whole piece.
Thanks to everyone else who has reviewed it as well!
Chapter 4: Raising an Army
May led them down the steps and opened the bomb-proof door. Inside the fortified bunker under the Yodel Farm was an area the size of a warehouse, filled with everything you could ever need to survive a nuclear holocaust and start another one. Apart from the vast stockpiles of non-perishable foodstuffs were several crates stamped with the message, "TO MAY, LOTS OF LOVE, THE REPUBLICAN GUARD, IRAQ."
Jack, Cliff and Popuri were gazing in awe at it. May felt some explanation was needed and offered, "Well, you ever wonder where the WMDs went? Here, baby!"
They wandered through the vast cavern of boxes, May leading the way. Suddenly, they heard laughter coming from behind one of the crates and it echoed throughout the huge hall.
"Oh God," muttered May. She rounded the next corner into a hidden inlet surrounded by crates, followed by her guests. In the nook was a sofa, a fridge and a TV, which was currently being watched by a turbaned man with a black beard. He was eating a watermelon.
"W-what are you doing here!?" spluttered May, "I thought I told you to move out a month ago! You haven't been paying your rent!"
"Have too," replied the figure, spitting watermelon everywhere as he spoke, "The cache of AK-47s is at the door."
While May went off to check, grumbling all the while, Jack walked up to the seated man and said, "Hey, aren't you Os-"
"You say my name kid and I will have to kill you," replied the bearded chap immediately and without looking at him.
"Okay," replied Jack, confused, "Uh, can I call you Ozzie?"
"Sure thing kid," replied Ozzie, biting a huge chunk out of the juicy melon. At that point, May came back in and addressed Ozzie.
"Alright, you can stay, but no more parties!" snapped May, "I don't want any more of your friends from Al-whatever they're called coming round and leaving vials of anthrax all over the farm. Granddad keeps getting infected and I don't want to have to care for the stupid old coot!"
"Shhh," said the man, "Friends is on and this is a Ross episode. Don't wanna miss it."
"Christ," muttered May, stomping out, followed by the bemused trio. Before they went, Cliff turned back and said, "Bye Ozzie!"
"Later dude," was the reply. Ozzie laughed and pointed at the screen, saying, "Take that Chandler!"
They walked further into the silo for about five minutes, May muttering under her breath angrily. Finally, they reached an open area with a line of multi-locked doors in the far wall. On one side, a tiny rack of keys was visible. May walked over to it, tailed by her clients. As she reached it, she turned and asked coldly, "So, how would you like to get rid of Mayor Thomas?"
"Jack," said Popuri, butting in before he could respond, "You're just going to kill the Mayor, right?"
"Well," began Jack, "The Mayor does have a lot of support. It might be necessary to-"
"Pleeeease?" pleaded Popuri, her eyes beginning to brim over, "I don't wanna see anyone get hurt..."
Jack's heart softened. Sighing, he said, "Okay Popuri, I won't have anyone else killed."
Popuri smiled and hugged him, causing Jack to stiffen immediately, "I want to go home now," she said.
"Cliff, take her home," Jack ordered. Cliff assented and took Popuri out. Jack called after her, "I promise no-one else will be hurt." They disappeared from sight.
A brief pause hung in the air before he said to May, "Actually, I intend for there to be much slaughter. Lots of it."
"I'll get the red-hot machetes with rusty barbed wire wrapped around the blades."
"Excellent."
Jack and Cliff walked nervously up to the hut behind the church. They had heard rumours that such creatures existed, but had never seen them with their own eyes. May had said that they needed an army to overthrow the Mayor and that these mysterious beings could provide the core of such a force. They wondered what powers such creatures would have to warrant soldiery. Perhaps they were warriors of great strength and skill? Perhaps they were sorcerers with mystical powers lost since ancient times who could weave the threads of fate to create the cloth of destiny.
Jack, sweating in awe of the power he was about to witness, knocked slowly at the door. A moment of eternity seemed to pass like a dream. The door opened and...
"Hello BUDUM! Have you come for TEA BUDUM!?"
"AAARGH!"
"Oh dear, you've fainted budum."
Then again, perhaps they were just annoying little elves with a tea fixation.
After this bad first impression and the subsequent revival of both Jack and Cliff, relations warmed considerably.
"You pointy-eared bastard!" snapped Jack, "What the hell did you have to do that for?"
"Sorry budum," replied the elf with the red hat, "We're just so friendly budum!"
"Christ."
"Settle down Jack," said Cliff soothingly, "I sort of like these little critters."
"Well you would, wouldn't you?" retorted Jack, still angry, "You have so much in common, such as your minute brains and small genitalia!"
"Anyway," said the red elf, "How can we help you budum?"
"First," said Jack, "stop saying budum."
"Okay budum!" replied the elf cheerily.
"God..." muttered Jack, before continuing with, "We need your help for a plan of ours. How do you fancy killing the Mayor?"
"No way budum!" replied the elf in horror and revulsion, "We are peaceful and law-abiding people."
The smile on Jack's face did not disappear, but the temperature in the hut dropped sharply. Through gritted teeth, Jack said, "So that's how you feel." He nodded to Cliff, who went outside. Then he said to the elf, "Just a minute. We have a present for you." He excused himself and went outside to join Cliff, who was hauling several bags of flour. Flour was like catnip to the elves. Give the elves flour and they were yours to command. They would be willing to die for those delightful bags of goodness.
"Okay," whispered Jack, "You know what the plan is, right?"
"Yes sir," replied Cliff.
Hauling in the bags of flour, Jack said, "Well, I have a proposition for you Mr…. Chef, was it?"
"Is that…flour?" asked Chef, salivating with delight.
"It sure is!" replied Jack, evilly grinning, "Eat skull-crushing goodness, you midget!" He picked up the bag and swung it round. It connected with Chef's head with a sickening CRACK and the elf collapsed.
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"Uuugh," moaned Chef, "Where am I, budum?"
The darkness suddenly lifted and Chef found himself in a little room with his brothers. They were all tied to chairs and facing a screen. To one side stood Jack, smoking a cigarette.
"Ah, good evening gentlemen!" he said warmly as he dropped the cigarette and crushed it under his booted foot, "You are in my evil lair!" He cackled evilly, before adding in a normal voice, "Well, I say it's mine; actually it's been rented to me for three years. Actually, it's not really evil, more sort of moderately bad. Actually it's not a lair; it's just where my old granddad kept his collection of porn. Anyway, I am about to enlighten you as to the reasons why you are here."
"Ugh," mumbled Aqua, "Who am I?"
"You are all rich drug barons who run a vast cocaine empire from the jungles of central Columbia!" answered Jack, "and I am about to show you the man who will bring it crashing down! Roll the movie Cliff!"
The lights dimmed and a movie began on the white screen. It was titled "Movie aginst Mayar Tomhas!!!!"
"Popuri wrote the title," muttered Cliff to Jack.
Onscreen was an exact duplicate of the Mayor, provided that the Mayor had pink hair, wore a dress and had an obviously fake moustache tacked onto his face.
"Hahaha," giggled the Mayor, "I am evil Mayor Thomas and I am going to destroy the Harvest Elves, uh, the drug barons of Columbia's entire stockpile of cocaine."
The fair Mayor picked up a bag which had first been labelled FLOUR, but had been quickly crossed out and replaced with COCAINE just underneath. The Mayor lit a match and dropped it into the bag before placing it on the wooden sideboard and continuing with the speech.
"I am very evil and very bad," he said girlishly, "and I should be overthrown and replaced with the brilliant and handsome Jack Breezy – does it say that in the script? Yes? Good – and I should be got rid of immediately. Uh, is the sideboard meant to be on fire?"
"Oh crap no," shouted May, who rushed onto the stage and tried to beat it out with a towel which itself caught fire. She flung it off-screen, which caused a voice, which sounded like Cliff's, to scream loudly. Meanwhile, half the room was now on fire.
"Call 911!" yelled May.
"They're all dead," replied Popuri, who had pulled off her fake moustache.
"Well get the fire extinguisher! What do you mean Grandpa's using it as a seltzer!? Oh you stupid, senile old f-"
Thankfully the movie ended with the words "Thee Beggining (hastily crossed out and replaced with) Endde!"
"Well!" exclaimed Jack, clapping his hands and returning to the front of the stage, "I found that convincing, didn't you?"
There was silence.
"I'll give you guns!" offered Jack desperately.
"Yeah! We're in!" hollered all the elves.
"Excellent!" replied Jack, rubbing his hands together, "I'll send General May in at once! Come, Cliff!"
He marched proudly down the aisle, accompanied by his faithful servant. Jack Breezy considered himself a messiah, a man who would fight for righteousness and honour, and not expect rewards.
As soon as the door slammed behind them, he began chanting childishly, "I'm going to be the Mayor! I'm going to be the Mayor!"
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Well, like I said earlier, this has been through a MAJOR revamp, so please tell me if my hours of editing were worth it. If it isn't, I may just snap. Review please!
