The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital

The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital. I looked around, there were flowers and cards everywhere; and sitting right next to my head was Izzie's bear. I then focused on the side of my bed where Derek was lying with his head on one of my hands. I reached over and ran my hand through his thick hair.

As doctors, we are used to situations where things go drastically wrong; there are symptoms that are easily recognised, things we know about but the patients don't. It's these classic symptoms that scare us, and when doctors become the patient, a lot of the time we can immediately anticipate the diagnosis; I knew exactly what had happened.

Derek woke up and felt my hand in his hair. He looked up and tears glistened in his eyes.

"Thank god..." he whispered. He looked at me with deep sadness. It completely confirmed what I expected to hear.

"I lost the baby...didn't I...?" I sighed.

Derek nodded.

"You were further along than they first thought; you were 3 months..." he said. "We lost her..."

I almost choked on my tears.

"Her?"

Derek nodded.

"It was a little girl," he told me.

I started to cry, my tears were turning into sobs and I broke down.

"Oh god..." I cried.

Derek sat with me on the bed and held me tightly as my tears flowed. As I looked up I saw Lexie standing there.

"Lex..." I sobbed.

She rushed over and hugged me tightly. For the first time in my life I felt like I had a sister, I felt like she really was my sister and all of the things that I once thought about her disappeared into a moment where she became my rock.

"I'm sorry...Lexie I'm so sorry!" I cried.

Lexie looked right at me.

"You are my big sister," she told me. "I love you, and I'm here for you, so you don't need to say anything Mer, because I am your sister, and that is all that matters,"

I looked at Derek and Lexie feeling so loved; I don't remember ever feeling like that in my life and I came to the conclusion that, as surgeons we are trained to act bravely when bad things happen, but we can never anticipate what to do when the bad things happen to us. On the other hand, sometimes we are training ourselves to be better people for the bad things that happen to us.

A few hours later, Derek came in; he was dressed in normal clothes.

"Where are your scrubs?" I asked.

"The chief gave me the day off," Derek answered. He pulled a big bag out from behind his back. It looked really full and I looked on curiously when Derek revealed the contents. "Okay, let's see what I have in the bag...I have Scrabble...I have chocolate, your iPod..."

"Thanks..." I sighed. "But I'm really not hungry..."

He put his hand to my cheek.

"I know," he said softly. "But Mer, you have to try and keep yourself occupied,"

I looked the other way.

"I don't want to talk about it..." I said.

"Okay," Derek answered. He got up. "I'm going to get a coffee, do you want one?"

I shook my head and Derek nodded in response.

When he left the room I got out of bed, it wasn't exactly the most comfortable feeling but I wasn't exactly happy about being stuck in a hospital room. I made it about as far as the ER desk until I ran into Izzie, followed by George, Cristina and Lexie.

"Oh...uh...I..." I was a little lost for words.

"Busted!" Cristina said firmly. "Does Shepherd know you are out of bed?"

I smiled sheepishly.

"I'm guessing not," Izzie said pulling up a wheelchair. "Get in!" she demanded.

"I'm fine," I insisted.

"No, you are not!" Lexie stepped in and gave me a very strong look. "As your sister I am demanding you get in that chair right now!"

"That's not fair, I'm older than you!" I said as I sat in the chair.

Lexie turned to the others and nodded.

"Stop getting out of bed!" Cristina warned. "I'll be back to check on you!"

Lexie pushed me back to my room where Derek was waiting.

"Oh, I see you've picked up a stray," he mused.

"I was just going to the bathroom," I lied.

"Coz the bathroom in your room is so far away," Derek said sarcastically.

I rolled my eyes and climbed into bed.

"Ooh Scrabble...count me in at lunch Mer!" Lexie laughed, "Now stay in bed, Dr. Yang is coming back, and as her intern, I am warning you, you so don't want to get on her bad side today, it is just not a good day!"

I nodded.

"Thanks Lex," I said as she left the room. Derek stood there with his arms folded.

"Now, why did you get up out of bed, you could have ruptured!" he cried. "Meredith, I come in here and can't find you, I was beside myself! In the space of two minutes you managed to give me a heart attack and a stroke!"

I rolled over on my side and faced the wall again.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered.

Derek climbed up onto the bed and wrapped his arms around me.

"It's okay..." he said softly into my ear. "Everything is going to be just fine...you'll see,"

I rolled over and buried my head in his chest.

"Derek..." I sobbed.

Derek held me tightly and I felt a tear of his trickle onto my forehead.

"I love you," he whispered.

Sometimes we find tears to be the essence of weakness, but when you're lying there and you find tears coming from the one person you expect to be strong, you now know that they are not a sign of weakness but merely a sign of love, showing someone just how much you love them, knowing that for once you have something to lose.

A few hours later, I was starting to feel some severe pain, I wanted to cry again but for some reason I couldn't do it anymore; I was all out of tears. Derek had his eyes closed and I couldn't bear to wake him. Interrupting my thoughts, Izzie wandered in.

"Hey you," she said. "How's Henry?"

I looked confused. But then she picked up her bear and it made sense.

"Actually, my mom used to call him Smelly Horrible Henry," she laughed.

I laughed back.

"He's not horrible," I answered. "Maybe a little smelly, but not horrible,"

Izzie let a tear slip down her cheek.

"Why couldn't you tell me?" she asked.

"I was going to..." I sighed. "I just wanted to decide what I wanted to do,"

"Mer," Izzie said, "You can tell me anything,"

I nodded.

"I know Iz," I answered.

Izzie gave me another hug.

"It's okay," she said. "Everything will be fine,"