Oh
My Kichigai!
By
Uchiha Xairylle
Chapter Four : When A Spoon Meets A Fork
Rukia was on the verge of releasing her Zanpakutou and freezing the hell out of the three men in her house. Byakuya had already gone home and dear uncle was replaced with dear old grandpa who was now trying to strangle her husband in the living room. She could hear Ken'ichi joining them and she was really being ticked off by how these men were trying to kill each other inside her house. Rukia did not know what or how to feel about her father-in-law's "affectionate" ways. He had gotten ten years older and it was understandable for him to have his hair dyed from the silvery strands that were coming out. And yet, Rukia could not bring herself to understand how a normal human being could still kick around like he hadn't aged at all. If one day she found out Isshin was Shinigami, she did not know if she would be surprised.
"Sorry you have to put up with my father, Rukia-oneesan." A 20-year old Yuzu was standing beside Rukia who was busily chopping vegetables. She had grown into a fine, innocent (or was it oblivious) lady with long honey blonde hair.
"Men don't grow up, do they?" Karin complained as she frowned on the kitchen table. The girl was still tough as ever and wore her long black tresses up in a ponytail. Rukia nodded and Karin looked at her, "Should I clam them up, Rukia-oneesan?"
"Let them be." Rukia waved as she spoke in her normal voice. Karin had built a sense of respect for Rukia ever since she realized that the girl was not a pink and frilly one. In ten years, they had spent some time talking to each other and Rukia had told her how much she had been around males and how sometimes, they could be such airheads. But in ten years, Ichigo and Rukia never told Ichigo's family that they were both Shinigami. Karin was somehow grateful that her brother and his wife cared enough not to get them into trouble. But, woohoo! The woman her brother married was a Shinigami with a white sword! And she kicks his ass! How cool could that be!
"Oh, we're out of soy sauce." Yuzu was saying now, "I should go to Urahara-san's and…"
"No, I'll go." Karin pushed herself up. She knew better than to have her twin sister be seen by that stupid red-haired Jinta. The boy had grown up and who the hell knows if his hormones had been bugging him to do something to Yuzu.
"No, no." Rukia wiped her hands on her apron, "You're the guests. Let's ask Ken'ichi to go."
Karin shrugged. That would lessen the noise to an extent.
"Kii-chan…!" Yuzu called and her nephew groaned about his nickname. Heavy feet padded towards the kitchen and a frowning Ken'ichi with messed up hair looked at the three females.
"Would
you please be a good boy and buy soy sauce from Urahara-san?" Yuzu
smiled. The boy was looking flatly at her.
"Obasan,
please stop calling me Kii-chan." The boy complained as his mother
handed him some money.
"But
Kii is such a cute name."
"I'm
not cute, obasan." Ken'ichi pouted.
"Oh,
yes you are…!" Yuzu was now pinching his cheek, "You look just
like Oniichan even when you frown!"
"Ichi-nii
was never cute." Karin yawned and Rukia giggled.
Of course not because Ichigo was damn sexy!
Wait, not the right place. Erase. Erase.
The
boy shrugged and turned to go saying, "You stay put, Otousan! When
I come back, ojiisan and I will beat you to a pulp!"
"Or
die trying." Karin commented again.
"Right
on, grandson!"
"Shut
up and stay away
from me!"
Ken'ichi took off in his bike. His aunt did tell him to go to Urahara's but the boy was too lazy to pedal that far. Instead, he opted to go to Hirohyaku Supermarket, which was just a bridge away. After all, the items in Urahara's store were cheap only if certain circumstances are met and that being Yuzu buying from Jinta. Clearly, Ichigo and Karin did not like how the redhead was acting towards his very feminine aunt. Ken'ichi couldn't care less… or so. How could he understand? He was an only child and he didn't have cousins to interact with. Aside from the other kids in school or the neighborhood, Ken'ichi did not have any mutual blood connection between any other children of his age bracket.
Maybe if he had a younger brother or sister, he'd understand.
DING!
Light bulb of idea lit up for the raven-haired Kurosaki boy!
His father was twenty-six and his aunts were both twenty. It meant his Otousan had two little sisters when he was six! And here he was, ten years of age, with not even a pet to be with! If he had a brother or a sister then at least he'd have a tag team partner whenever he had to pounce on dear orange-head daddy. And he'd have someone to talk to and he'd have someone to spar with and… and… and… The list went on. Ken'ichi wanted to feel mortified!
After a few minutes of walking down the aisles in search of the soy sauce and another few minutes of waiting for his turn just to pay for a single stupid soy sauce bottle (the woman before him seemed to have bought every item in the store), Ken'ichi pedaled home. He was rattling off names in his head. His aunts could call his sibling Kii-chan and the hell would he be relieved to be rid of a cutesy name! After all, he was a man…
But that didn't mean he wasn't his mother's baby.
And so, armed with confidence, theories, facts and hopes and dreams, Ken'ichi swallowed up his food and at dinner, he broadly announced, "I want a baby brother!"
There was a sound of falling utensils across the room and Ichigo choked and literally fell out of his seat as Rukia's mouth flung open. She had been pouring a glass of water for Ichigo but now that it was overflowing, she didn't seem to notice. Isshin was smiling and Karin rolled her eyes away upon seeing the enthusiastic reaction of her father.
"What?" Yuzu was the first to speak. Rukia gasped upon noticing the water spill and proceeded to wipe it off as Ichigo got back teary-eyed to his seat.
"I said…" Ken'ichi began.
"Where did you get this idea?" Ichigo asked and cleared his throat as his eyebrows furrowed in contemplation.
"Why
are you asking, Ichigo? It's a brilliant
idea!" Isshin clapped and slithered the way he used to towards
Ichigo who was inching away as his father's nose flared, "Besides,
you're going to like it, too and you know it."
"Leave
that spot in the next three seconds or I will scalp you." Ichigo
glared and held up a fork, "I will scalp you with this,
old man so get moving!"
Isshin snickered and hurried to his daughter-in-law's side, holding her by the shoulders as he ushered her beside Ichigo.
"What
about you, Rukia-chan, what do you think?"
"Ara?"
Rukia smiled faintly and looked at Ichigo for back up but found him
busy with spaghetti.
"Okasan, I want a baby brother." Ken'ichi was pouting with his spaghetti sauce infested face and he proceeded to stick a fork worth of spaghetti in his mouth. Rukia took a table napkin and walked up to her son who was now busily puckering up to draw in the noodle down his mouth.
"Ken'ichi,
it's not that easy, you know." Rukia said as he dabbed the table
napkin onto the stray sauce on her son's face, "A baby is a big
responsibility."
"Why?
Did you have such a hard time bringing me into this world?"
Ken'ichi was asking innocently and Ichigo immediately gobbled up
the water beside him to prevent him from choking.
Was that actually a question?
Ichigo immediately reminisced the days Rukia would hit him and bully him and order him around for her urges, which were too random. He remembered walking down the road at freaking 3:00 AM just to find a tree tall enough to scale only to sit on a branch that was going to break in the next few minutes! And that didn't include the rain of Adjuchas and lots of angsting! And here was his oblivious son, wanting his parents to undergo one hell of another torture!
Where is the mercy!
"Not really." Rukia replied.
Not really? Ichigo was raising an eyebrow at her. Or did he have to remind her how the 24-hour convenience store crew had familiarized with him thanks to his out-of-the-blue trips? Besides, since when had been child birth easy for women? Not unless Urahara did something to the gigai.
"It's
quite complicated." Ichigo began.
"How
complicated?" Ken'ichi blinked as his mother finished wiping the
mess on his face.
"Well, you see…" Ichigo scratched his head, groping for words to say as he smirked. His son continued to blink at him. Seeing that his father could not bring himself to say anything helpful to his ideals, Ken'ichi spoke, "It's relatively easy, isn't it? I leave you alone for a couple of hours, days or nights and the next thing I know, I'm going to be a big bro. Isn't that right, grandpa?"
All heads turned to Isshin who was proudly giving a thumbs-up "hell yeah" sign to his grandson. Ichigo wanted to claw his father's eyes out or pluck his teeth out with pliers. What horrors did this man feed his son's innocent mind? Ichigo had been exposing his son to Byakuya to earn some graceful etiquette to say the least! Had all his efforts been in vain?
"That's
not actually how it goes." Ichigo scratched his head again and sent
a glare towards his father so as not to encourage the little boy.
"Just
how much do you know about making babies, Ken'ichi?" Karin asked
and Ichigo felt like he had to pick up his jaw from the floor.
"Well…"
Ken'ichi rubbed his chin and fidgeted as if looking for something.
"What
are you looking for?" Rukia blinked.
"I
need a board and markers." Ken'ichi smiled at his mother who
proudly smiled back. Ichigo groaned. Why wasn't the hurting
stopping yet?
"Can't you just explain without drawing?" Ichigo frowned.
"It's like this. This is a… a… a… a boy." Ken'ichi held up a fork. Ichigo wanted to smack himself. Who had been teaching his son these things!
"And this is a… girl!" Ken'ichi lifted up a spoon. Rukia was watching with wide eyes and Karin was dumbstruck. Yuzu was watching intently as Isshin nodded in approval. Ichigo still wanted to smack the nightmare that was "visual aids a la Ken'ichi".
"So we put them together." Ken'ichi put the spoon and fork side by side on the table and covered it with a table napkin, "And then we leave them alone and undisturbed in a dark and closed area for a certain period of time."
"And when you open the door, there's a baby?" Karin was raising an eyebrow.
"Actually, no, you don't see results until several weeks or months later." Ken'ichi crossed his arms, "So that really makes things quite confusing because I really don't know much about the part where the sperm cell meets the egg cell."
Rukia wanted to faint and Ichigo smacked his forehead on the table as his hands gripped his hair. What kind of people was his son exposed to! His son had turned into something like this and he didn't know it.
"Where
did you learn that?" Ichigo said lowly without moving from his
position.
"I
combined what I heard from ojisama and ojiisan." Ken'ichi
replied. The boy did not seem to know the confusion he had stirred
up.
Byakuya and Isshin… Ichigo did not want to imagine the "happy humping bunnies" scene from ten years ago in the corridor where stupid rabbits made him shout shamelessly like a pervert.
"So
just tell me how long I have to leave you and Okasan so that you can
make me a baby brother."
"My
grandson is so bright!" Isshin cried and pulled out a picture from
his wallet and pointed, "Masaki, did you hear how our grandson
discussed the wonderful art of baby making?"
Wonderful art of what?
Karin was choking on steak now.
"Otousan!"
Ken'ichi implored and Ichigo slowly lifted his head off the table
to look at his very eager son.
"Ken'ichi,
you don't have to leave the house for you to get a baby brother."
Yuzu said with pink on her cheeks. She was fumbling with her fingers,
unsure of what she should say.
"Really?"
"Yes,
you just have… to… not… disturb them… when they're…
suspiciously alone…"
Yuzu faintly smiled and Karin raised an eyebrow at her. Isshin nodded and patted his daughter proudly for being able to express herself. Ichigo groaned and Rukia had sunken back to her chair.
"Suapiciously alone…" Ken'ichi rubbed his chin, "I wonder why they have to be so alone? What is it that they can't do out in the open."
No one was answering.
"Did it have anything to do with the so-called positioning?"
Rukia gasped and Karin had lost interest in spaghetti.
"WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN TELLING MY SON!" Ichigo got up from his seat and sent his father a right hook.
"W-w-w-what…
positions… exactly…?" Rukia gulped.
"The
stars." Ken'ichi blinked innocently and Ichigo looked at his
supposedly innocent Ken'ichi.
"The…"
Yuzu began.
"The
stars?" Karin was not sure if she was supposed to feel relief or
pity.
"Yes, Abarai-san said it had something to do with the positioning of the stars to get a boy or a girl."
God, damn it, Renji. If I get my hands on you, I'm going to knot you with your Bankai!
"So are you going to grant me a baby brother or not?" Ken'ichi asked in a tone full of Kuchiki Byakuya. Ichigo was looking at his son and Rukia had obviously changed color as she bit her handkerchief and pulled on its ends.
"You had little twin sisters when you were six. It's unfair since I'm ten and I'm still an only child."
Ichigo knew Byakuya was rubbing off on his son somehow. Although he should be amazed with how his son was able to deduce things and connect different information from different sources (and that is without exposure to Mayuri), Ichigo could not help but feel awkward.
"Why
should you have a little brother?" Ichigo asked as he straightened,
"I was responsible when I was ten and…"
"You
were?" Isshin blinked. Ichigo kicked him in the face.
"I
was taken to a dojo to learn karate when I was four." Ichigo began.
"But
Tasuki-chan always—" Isshin was supposed to say something until
Ichigo glowered menacingly at him. Surprisingly, he piped down.
"I
want you to learn as much as you can from your ojisama and me."
Ichigo continued, "And when you're able to defend yourself, I'll
get you a baby brother."
"Why?"
Ken'ichi frowned, "I doubt grandpa gave you such a deal before
you had little sisters."
"Exactly!"
Isshin popped out.
"Listen,
you're not in the position to make demands." Ichigo explained as
he leaned forward, "I
call the shots and you're going to have a baby brother when I
see fit."
"Oh,you?"
Rukia was raising an eyebrow at him, "So now
you can make a baby on your own? What are you? Some kind of asexual
Hol—thing?"
"What?"
Ichigo straightened, "Like you could do it alone, too."
"No,
but I never said I could decide alone when
I want to do it." She frowned, "If I don't want to, you can't
do anything about it."
"Ah,
sou?"
"Sou."
"I like where this conversation is going!" Isshin was spinning around the dining room and Karin leaned back. Why couldn't family dinners just be normal once in a while? Oh, wait. This is the Kurosaki family. This is how they define normal.
Why don't they just skip the freaking explanation part and give the freaking kid a sibling or a dog?
"You
should start with a dog." Karin said.
"Dogs
don't talk." Ken'ichi reasoned.
Yoruichi crossed Ichigo's mind.
"I
want a baby brother… or a baby sister... Doesn't matter. Just
give me a baby."
"Meet
my standards and you will have one." Ichigo told his son.
"Your
standards? What about my
standards?"
"Youhave
no standards."
"WHAT!"
Karin rolled her eyes away. Why did her nephew have to learn open hand combat and swordsmanship to begin with? It's not like…
Wait a second.
Could her nephew be a Shinigami?
"Come
on, I even thought about naming my little bro or sis Kii already!"
Ken'ichi groaned, "Why are you making life so hard for me! I just
want a baby!"
"Unless
your father learns how to talk to me properly, cancel out the baby or
the baby making process for that matter." Rukia was glaring at
Ichigo.
"You
midget." Ichigo glared back.
Karin sighed deeply.
A Shinigami spouse for her?
Crossed out.
- End of Chapter 4 -
Author: I was so eager to type this down that I had forgotten to each breakfast and lunch… So that's why were fingers were shaking! I wrote a dinner scene (or so) over an empty stomach! Thank you for continuously reading and I'm glad to see those reviews coming! I love you guys! Read and Review! Bankai to us all!
Now excuse me as I get myself something to munch on. SUGAR RUSH!
