SM owns.
Love to the pre-readers - Lynn Pepper and Kennedy Nicole
Major love to Twilightsonefan who spices up the lemons so it's extra juicy!
Hope Edward becomes somewhat more likeable for who he is and his issues that have yet to be exposed...and chapter six holds the key to what keeps Bella so distant and willing...
ENJOY! Love you all!
Hands
Chapter 4
There were more rules to being one of Edward Cullen's...I still wasn't sure how to put into words what I agreed to.
Later that first night, in between his set, he came to me, "I don't fuck the same girl two nights in a row," he whispered in my ear.
"Do you fuck someone every night?" I asked.
"I'm not a man-whore, Bella." He told me walking away.
I guess that was his way of letting me know, he wasn't planning on inviting me anywhere with him that night, no matter how good I looked in this get up.
He also made it clear, that he didn't give a shit who I slept with, but it was very important to him to be careful.
Another rule that trickled out; he didn't deal with boyfriends. He wouldn't go to jail for kicking some dudes ass that couldn't keep his girlfriend satisfied, or so some girl could play games.
It all boiled down to one thing; don't expect much.
"You are going to CJ's tonight, to see him, aren't you?" Rose asks me, as she watches me get ready.
"Ah, huh," I confirm for her.
"Why are you doing this with him, Bella?" I know Rose is concerned, Emmett hasn't told her anything about him, but she suspects it's bad. Plus, she see's how I get when he leaves.
It hurts. To have have him, but not truly have him. To watch him always walk away, satisfied. Me, always wanting more. Always wishing I could let those three words out of the jail I've locked them away inside myself.
"It's not like he is leading me on, Rosalie. I know what I'm doing. I feel...alive when I'm with him. And, when I'm with him...it's him and me. He chose me...and I'm twenty-four and if I want to have safe, causal sex with a guy I find hot as fuck - I can."
"I hate to see him...use you." she seethes.
"He isn't using me," I give her a pointed look. "That would mean he was manipulating me, he isn't manipulating me. I know exactly where I stand."
"I know you, Bella Swan, and you can't do what he does. You can't leave your emotions at the door, you can't turn off that infatuation you have had for him the second you laid eyes on him...you can't just fuck. And I don't want to pick up all the pieces when it all comes undone."
"Shut up, Rose." I don't want to listen to this anymore. "I'm attracted to him, so whats the crime? I fuck him. It's amazing. When it's not anymore, I'll stop."
There is no explaining it to people. It's like I'm dying of thirst in the desert and he is my sip of water. No one would turn down that sip if they knew the need. When I'm not with him, I burn for him it's an ache...then I get a sip. When you harvest desperation, you can't be told to surrender.
He has been gone for weeks. You can't even imagine how thirsty I am. He always leaves. I haven't seen or heard from him in a month. He has been down south playing shows.
He isn't here for long. It's just a stop before he continues north. I check his Facebook while he is gone, I try not to cringe at the girls that take pictures with him, then tag themselves and him and post them to show off. Some are girls that he would never mess around with, others I wonder...did he invite her anywhere?
I notice a girl who posts a lot while he is down south. Blonde. Leggy. Friends with Alice. She shows up in a lot of pictures. I'm pretty sure he invites her to hang out after shows. One of his girls. Tanya.
I don't want to dwell on her, what she does or doesn't do with or for Edward. I don't want to think about the parts of his life I'm not privy to. I just want to focus on the fact that tonight, I get to drink from the well.
He is really private, so I know when I get there, he will only speak to me briefly in the bar.
"Do you see the stories that get circulated?" he asked me once. It's not like they are getting printed in US Weekly or anything like that, just in the circle of people that follow his slowly rising career.
He is far from being known, but the fans that do follow him, they can be known to get pretty gossipy about anything personal about him they get their hands on.
And if he hooks up with a girl, and she spills the details, he won't associate with her anymore.
"I don't want the gossip girls talking about what I do and who I do it with." he told me. The gossip girls, being the group of girls that openly stalk his Facebook. They were the ones who didn't have the guts or to be blunt, the looks, to be with Edward. For a little while, before that first night with Edward three months ago, I might have ended up one of them.
It's not like I wanted to scream from the rooftops that when Edward Cullen was in Philadelphia, I was his go to girl.
I knew it was another rule to file away. Don't kiss and tell. Don't feed the gossip girls. If Edward wanted them that involved in his personal life, they would be.
Sometimes, he seemed paranoid about it all. At times I think he is overreacting.
Talking to Edward isn't always an easy task. He only speaks when he feels like he has something to say. He never tells stories about his experencies or his past. Nor does he expand on reasons he likes things a certain way, and if I do ask, I never get much more out of him.
Always guarded. Always a mystery.
His mouth wasn't made for speaking. It was made to sing. To kiss.
His hands weren't made to hold. They were made to play. His guitar. My body.
Figuring him out was a task I deemed impossible. The more I tried the more I drove myself crazy. I just came to terms that I was lucky to get the pieces he showed me. If I understood him or not, at least I had the parts he was willing to share with me.
I felt thankful for that. I felt...special. No matter how many times he told me it wasn't. I don't know if that made me stupid. If I had no clue how insecure I actually was to feel special enough to get the nights I did.
I like to think he is that beautiful of a person, that anyone in his presence would feel the draw, have a part of them that is thankful just to see something as breathtaking as him in the flesh.
And I was even luckier, because I tasted his lips. Felt his most intimate embrace. I was touched by his hands.
It's not that I liked the feeling of never being good enough, because that voice, as much as I tried to shut it up, was always there.
I told myself, I was good enough, otherwise he wouldn't come to me after the show and let me in. He wouldn't give me any of him. That I didn't have all of him not by my faults, but instead his.
It was his walls, his rules, keeping me out.
Not me. Not because I wasn't good enough. It was something I couldn't explain to Rosalie, because she didn't see the Edward I saw.
She doesn't know him like I know him. All she see's a guy that doesn't care about anyone but himself. A user.
I see someone that is beautifully broken. Vulnerable. Someone behind a crefully constructed mask.
The voice of doubt, or reason is what Rosalie calls it, always butts in. Maybe She knew the real Edward. Maybe I was just too blind to see the truth. My reasoning and views were for my benefit.
Her's weren't to justify anything or anyone.
I'm in too deep now. There is no turning back. No take backs. Right or wrong, I needed him far to much to care about the state I could be left in when it all ends.
I never let myself get delusional enough to entertain the dream that he would change for me.
The hope festered inside me none the less. I just refused to feed it. It was probably better this way anyway, I had no idea if I had anything worth giving anyone in the sense of the future.
My future...was bleak. I tried to ignore it as much as possible. Days went by, months, years. I stood still. Afraid. I know I'm dying. Everyday is a day closer. I am just way to scared to find out if that would be sooner or later. This is what Rosalie didn't understand about me. She thought, either way, I had the right to live and be happy.
Except, right now, with Edward...I did feel alive. I never felt happier than when I am with him. And when he left, I felt relief. I wouldn't be the one leaving. He would remain intact whatever life held for me.
Right. Wrong. Good. Evil.
Just words. With the right spin, I could make anything okay in my eyes when it comes to Edward Cullen.
For a minute, when I walk in the bar I wish things were different. I wish when his eyes landed on me his face lit up with a smile. I wish that he would stop mid sentence to come hold me in his arms, tell me how much he has missed me.
I push that aside, nothing is perfect.
When I walk in, his blue eyes meet mine, and he doesn't make a move to even acknowledge me.
I order a beer, and think about how good I will feel in a few hours.
He tells me to wait for him outside the RV, he needs ten minutes. Alice and Jasper have a lot of stuff to pack up.
I feel like I am waiting way to long. I sit on the small step, and watch as the time slowly ticks by.
Forty minutes it takes him. He looks a little pale. Kinda sweaty. "You okay?" I ask him, standing up to get out of his way.
"Fine," he says, I notice his hand shaking as he tries to unlock the door.
He pushes it open and motions for me to go in first. His eyes have been avoiding mine.
I go inside.
He walks past me, right to the bathroom. I'm not sure what to do. I stand in the middle of the RV, waiting.
He comes out of the bathroom, looking a little better, "Coming?" he asks, heading back toward his bedroom.
I just follow.
When I enter the small room, I put my bag down by the door. When I look up, he is inches from my face. His blue eyes meet mine as he stares into my eyes; I notice they appear dark and distant. He swallows, his Adams apple bobs up and down with the action. His expression is one of being reserved. I can't make out his intentions. I wish I could read his thoughts; it would make things so much easier when dealing with Edward.
His hand goes to my face and he tilts my head upwards toward his, his lanky frame being so much taller than my own five feet, "Hey," he whispers into my ear, his cheek softly caresses my own, his breath is hot against my skin; sending shivers down my spine. I am holding my breath with his body's close proximity to my own. I can feel every inch of him, his glorious body so close, his scent is so much stronger in this position; all sweet and musky.
"Hey," I whisper back releasing me breath, pulling my face back to meet his gaze, the butterflies in my stomach flutter up to my throat. His hands reach to my arms rubbing them up and down gently, the feeling of his skin to my own is exactly what my body's been craving, this connection with him is like a drug to a junkie, his lips meet mine, I give into him, kissing him back; mirroring every touch his sensual lips make to mine. My hands are still down flat against my side, my body frozen, unsure which move to make first, where he wants me; I don't want to scare him away. I let him take the lead; I'll follow him anywhere.
The kiss continues it's slow and gentle. He steps backwards, his hands continue caressing my arms, one hand reaches down and snags my hand into his firm grasp as he pulls me down into the bed along side him, undressing me slowly with determined hands, I intend to savor the experience, following his lead, I help rid him of his pesky clothes, his mouth caresses my neck and shoulder, "A Stóirín," he whispers to me.
Sometimes sex with him is rough and full of need and desire. Sometimes it's soft, sweet, and more loving.
I love both.
His kisses are long and sensual; his tender lips grazing along my neck, shoulders and chest, and there is no rush.
His large hands are protective and soothing; his long delicate fingers send electric pulses everywhere they touch, my skin is set on fire with each contact he makes.
When he is inside me, he moves in and out methodically. Our bodies are so in-sync with one another; both moving at the same pace, gently meeting the other. I feel so connected to him when we are like this. It's as if his body is singing to mine in it's own language and song.
I am in sensory overload. Each soft penetrating glide of his hips, meeting mine, each delightful graze of his hands along my body, and each tender kiss of his beautiful lips as he places his mouth to the curve of my neck and shoulder sends me into a blissful release, my body crying out to his and begging for him to join me.
He doesn't disappoint; meeting his own release following two deep thrusts. His body stills, not saying any words, just continuing to kiss and lick my shoulder, neck and chin, ending in a swift by passionate kiss to my lips; no tongues, its over as quickly as it began but the tenderness is clearly there.
It's rare that I fall asleep in his arms, but tonight I do.
When I wake up not an hour later, it's to loud noises. Edward isn't in bed anymore.
I can hear Alice and Jasper trying to whisper. Edward yells back at them.
"Alice, I know what I'm talking about!"
I climb out of bed, the sheet wrapped around my naked body. I walk out to see what is going on.
"Edward, just relax," Jasper tries to calm him down.
I notice drawers open. Suitcases open, things all over the place.
"What's going on?" I ask. All three of them stare at me like I have two heads. My eyes dance to Alice, Jasper, and Edward, back to Alice. "What?" I ask again.
"They were here," Edward says.
"Who was here?" I ask.
"No one, Bella." Alice says, quietly. "Edward just heard us come in, and he thought someone was trying to break in.."
"Well, everything is okay then?" I try to figure out what is going on.
Edward looks torn.
"If they were here, they are gone now, dude, just go back to bed." Jasper suggests.
I reach for his hand, he doesn't pull away.
I lead him back to bed.
He mumbles something about someone not getting the hint and leaving him alone, I assume he might have an overzealous fan, and that maybe he does have reason to be paranoid.
I wake up alone the next morning. Alice smiles at me, "Edward had to go out."
"Oh...I should just go anyway."
I wish them luck as I know they are back on the road in a matter of hours.
No goodbye. See you later. Until next time.
Maybe it's easier.
Never did like goodbyes much.
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