AN: Huge thanks to TragicCure, who listens and reassures, and to tmichellecullen, for the great big grins and the story rec.

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Get Me To You

Summertime Rolls, Part I

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May

Jasper

Friday night she's at my window, knocking. I'm a little drunk, the Knob Creek at my bedside half full, but it's what I do to get through. I see it's her and I pull her in, pull her on to me, onto the bed and she sits, wrapped around me. She puts her hand, so small and soft, she puts it on my chest, over my heart and just feels it pounding against her palm. If I say something, she might run away, so I don't. She's not crying though. No tears. That's better, right?

We sit for what seems like all night and then I lay back and pull her with me and she comes. Soon she is asleep and she begins to thrash as Trix is wont to do and I pull her close and say shush now and she quiets. I stroke her hair, strawberries, strawberries, and I say I love you (I am so fucking sorry) and I love you (I miss you so fucking much) and I love you (I love you). Eventually I fall asleep and when I wake up she is gone, and there's not even a strand of her hair on my pillow to prove she was here.

Still, she comes back again, knocking on my window at two in the morning, like she woke up in the middle of the night and decided she needs to be here with me. I want for that to be true, but I also know that I can't just keep taking in her pain without a word from her, or from me.

She climbs in through the window and I help her and she doesn't meet my eyes. I walk her to the bed and she's got her face in the crook of my neck. Trix, I say and she digs in deeper, like she can get to where she needs to be in the crook of my neck. Trix, I say again because I can't let her hide from me in me.

Cher, what are you doing here, I say. She says nothing and then she's shaking and I can feel that she's crying. Trix, I say and pet her hair because that's what she likes when she's crying. I hear her then, her low whisper through shaky breaths. I fucking miss you so much, she says. I hold her tighter and she tries to cry less and can't. I fucking hate you she says and I say aw, hell, Trix, I hate me too. Then she's sobbing again, deep, choking breaths and she's got her hands fisted around my shirt and I just hold on and hold on until she's cried it out.

I lay her down on the bed and stroke her hair and soon she's asleep, but I stay up all night. She stirs just after the sun pinks the sky and I am slow to open my arms so that she can leave. She does leave, though, and I sleep, and my head is filled with her, coming close, running away. I grab her hand and she disappears. She is terrifying in her grief.

She comes back two nights later and I don't try to talk to her. She stays and sleeps, curled into me, and at this point, I am looking pretty sorry but I'll stay up all night, every night, if it's with her. I sleep in the afternoons, after school. Sometimes I smoke a little and that sends me off fast and sometimes I drink a little but mostly I just lay down and think of her and before I know it I'm waking up from sweet dreams of my little Bella-trix.

After her fourth night in my bed I start to see that this isn't helping her like I thought. She doesn't shine that too-bright smile, but I can still see the panic in her eyes. I can see that it hurts her pride. I love this girl with my whole heart but I'm not going to help her hurt herself.

The next morning I go to the kitchen and Mama's got a hot cup of tea for me and she says did I see Bella leaving here this morning and I just nod. I like her, you know, she says and I know. I sit down and the table and she gives me a good long looking over. You two patch things up, she asks. I look into my cup and shake my head. Didn't think so, she says, and wraps her arms around my neck.

Then she says baby boy, and she holds me tight and I need it and she knows it. Mama, I say and she says shush now and holds me a little longer. I feel small and loved and it's healing but I don't deserve it. I start to pull away from her and she says is it that bad? I don't say a word and then she says Jasper Jason Whitlock, I know you and what you get up to, and I let it go because you always do right. You keep your grades up, you help me when I ask and even when I don't. You've grown into a good man with a good heart, and I know you would never do anything so wrong that you couldn't make it right. I take my cup and I say thank you, Mama, but I don't look at her because I am not the man she thinks I am. Instead I go back to my room.

I can still smell Trix on my pillow and I need a dose to start the day.

The next time she comes to my window I open it and pull her in. She tries to move past me but I catch her at her waist and say stop. She does, and I turn her to face me. She doesn't want to look at me but I tip her chin up and it's like a tear in my heart to see that pain in her eyes.

What are you doing here, I say and she looks down again and I just can't fucking stand it, not one minute more. I say I love you (I am so fucking sorry) and she's crying again. I say again, why are you here? She shakes her head, sobbing. Trix, I say, is it helping? She doesn't say anything and so I pull her away and make her look at me, tears and all. Her eyes flash that panic and this is my cue to pull her out of whatever she's in but I can't, because I made this.

What do you want me to do, I ask and she fists my shirt into her hands and she's pulling me down onto the bed and she's in a ball and I'm wrapped around her and she whispers into my chest just fix this. I don't know how, I answer and she cries some more. I say shhsh and then I kiss her cheek because I want the tears to just fucking go away. She lets me, too. So I kiss her other cheek and her forehead and oh my god I have missed her skin under my lips and then she pulls back and she slaps me and way to fuck it all up, Whitlock.

She's staring at me, her face nothing but hate and I say I'm sorry and she says bullshit and that makes me mad because I am fucking sorry. I am the sorriest fucking person I know. I say why are you here again. I want to know. I want to know if she knows. She doesn't say anything and I say you can't come back, Trix. She says what and I say you can't keep coming here if all you're going to do is cry and hurt you and hurt me. She stares and I keep talking because I've got to say it. I want you, Trix, and I'll take you any way I can get you, but not like this. She gets up and goes for the window and it takes every fucking thing I have in me not to stop her. I say use the door and she stops short and just stands still. I'm holding onto the bed so tight I think I'm going to tear the fabric but I don't stand up, and I don't go to her and I don't drag her back down onto the bed and hold her all night even though that is the only thing that I want in this world and it's what she wants too. She's giving me the shot, she's saying come and get me and I close my eyes because she has to make this decision.

I sit there quiet and I'm breathing hard and after a few minutes I open my eyes.

She is gone.

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June

Edward

I know she's fucking spending time with him. Motherfucker, I know it. I know because I call at two in the morning and she doesn't answer. I know because she's not as awful. She's not as scary and I know it's because giving her something, whatever it is that she needs and I'm so fucking pissed at him because I can't fucking give it to her. Or she won't give me the chance. Doesn't matter either way.

If she would just let me in, just let me try, I could do it. I could be whatever it is she needs me to be. Fuck, I'd even stop screwing other girls. I practically have anyway, I even turned down a blow job from Mallory last week. I mean, fuck. This? This is getting ridiculous. I keep trying to be there for her, trying to be her friend because I know that if she'd just get the fuck over it we could be together. I could climb through the open window and crawl under her covers. She wouldn't be so fucking bruised and broken she'd be like she was, all soft and sweet with those big brown eyes and her skin, so fucking white and perfect. God she has the most beautiful skin. So I'm fucking trying, you know? I'm being patient as a motherfuck, just trying to give her "space" and "time." Whatever the fuck that means.

Shit, half the time I almost wish she'd just go back to him. Maybe if she did she wouldn't be so fucked up anymore. Maybe she wouldn't be so bent. I can't have her like this, though. I can't have her crying when I kiss her and I can't have her with that fucking look in her eyes, all panicky and pissed off. Whatever. I should just get her back with fucking Whitlock. I've got to get the fuck out of this thing. I can't be Bella's bitch forever.

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Jasper

Friday and I'm at school and Bella-trix has been hovering all week. I catch her staring at me once or twice, but she hasn't been back since I said no and I miss her creeping into my bed. Still, it's better. She seems better. Not so raw, at least.

I'm in the parking lot, listening to Hendrix making the world right, and Trix is wherever Trix is and that's supposed to be gym but she doesn't do supposed to anymore. How things got so fucked up I do not know. Then Cullen's pounding on the side of the door and I lean over and we're just about eye level. I say yeah and he says First Beach, tonight. I tilt my head because I didn't know we were friends again so I say I didn't know we were friends again and he laughs a little bit and says when were we not? I'm about to say it and then I realize that this isn't about that anyway. So I raise my eyebrow at him and he says aw, fuck, man, that chick drains me. First Beach, he says again. About nine. Then he walks away.

I lean my head back on the seat and realize some things. Cullen is giving her up. He's giving her back to me. He wouldn't do that if she didn't want it, because drained or not, he does still love her. And not that shitty, obsessed, I want what I can't have love. The last few weeks have seen him a brand new man. The last few weeks have seen him…selfless. He finally gives a shit about someone other than himself. I smile to myself, proud and glad. I got to see it when it happened.

I leave the school then because the day's almost over anyway and Jimmy is giving me just enough to let me sleep. If I'm doing this tonight, and how can I not, I'll need the rest.

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(Isa)Bella

I didn't think Edward would let me go to the party. I thought for sure there would be something amazing in Port Angeles tonight that we just had to see. He's been like that and that's alright. It's probably better than alright. He's probably saved me from a half dozen STD's. But not really. I wouldn't be pulling that shit if he didn't have my back. I just…I want Jasper to see it. I want him to hurt.

But every time I do it, every time I hurt him I just end up feeling so much fucking worse. Why? Why did he have to fuck Alice? Why wasn't I enough? And why do I want to be back with him so bad? Because god help me, I do. In the last two months nothing has felt good or right except the times that I was with him. Not all the booze, not letting Newton and Crowley try to get in my fucking pants, not even Edward, as fucking sweet as he's been. Nothing has felt right except Jasper.

Of course, I had to go and be a fucking junkie about it. Classic Bella. I can never just leave well enough alone. So I called him and just hearing him say yeah, hearing him say shush now, like he does when I cry, that just made everything better, and worse. Jesus, how can two words make you feel so good and so bad at once? Like my heart is fucking breaking and healing all at once? If he starts talking though, starts trying to justify it? God, no. I can't. Can't take that.

So I wake up one night and it's one in the morning and fuck, I just can't sleep worth shit anymore. So I drive around and I think I'll go to Edward's because I can always go there but that's just fucking shitty of me. I mean, he's being so fucking good and I can't just keep crawling into his bed without giving him some part of me eventually. One time he tried, and I would have let him but he stopped. If he really wants it, I'd let him. But he…doesn't. He doesn't take it anyway, and I'm not just going to give it. Can't.

So I'm driving around and I find myself at Jasper's house and fuck me. Pay attention, Swan. You can't just show up at Jasper's house anymore. So I go to the school and I dig around my glove box and there's the flask full of Bakers that Jasper left there months ago. I take the flask and go sit on the swings and drink and swing and then I fall off. I start crying, of course, what the fuck else would I be doing if not crying, I swear to fucking god I am so fucking sick of me sometimes and then I'm pissed and I think I'm going to just get the fuck out of here because Jesus, how much can one person cry?

I stumble around the school and I can't drive, not like this, and it's really far to my house so I just sit at one of the tables in the quad and wait to sleep or sober up. And then I'm thinking about him and how he's close and how I just need him to come and get me and be with me. Just come and be with me and pretend that everything's okay and I'm thinking that and then I'm calling him and I say I miss you because fuck, I do. He asks where I am and I know if I say that he'll do it, he'll come and get me and pull me out of this and I just fucking need him so much so I do it, I say school and he comes and if he doesn't talk, if he just stays quiet, I can pretend.

He does, and I do.

And it's fucking perfect. It's everything again. I'm there in his arms and he's wrapped up around me and he's touching my hair and breathing me in and he smells so fucking good – just clean clothes and tobacco and bourbon sweet and honey and him. Just him. He finally says let me take you home and I know I need to go so I give him my keys and he takes me home.

A few nights later I can't help myself, I go again. And it's perfect, again. Back in his arms again. His bed. Him. Holding me close and for the first time in two months I can sleep. If I dream, I don't remember I just sleep and it's so good. Do you know how good it feels to sleep when you haven't? How good it feels to fall asleep feeling warm and safe? Feeling loved? Because with enough booze to forget and with his arms around me, that's exactly what I feel. So I go back and pretend and he tries to talk and my tears shut him down because they always do and it's a cheap trick but fuck it. He's due.

In the mornings though, I can't help it. I hate myself. It's so fucking pathetic. I can't take him back, I can't be that girl. I can't forgive him. Can't. Not after everything. Not after Alice's hand in his that day. So at night he's my heaven and in the morning? He's my hell. Of course now I hate us both for being so weak.

But Jasper, he knows me, he sees it. He tells me I can't just keep coming over and I decide fine, fuck you, I won't. So I act like I'm leaving and I go to the window and he says use the door and what the fuck?

I wait; he's bluffing. But he doesn't get up, he doesn't pull me out like he always has. So fuck him. I am gone.

I call Edward to come get me and he doesn't answer his phone. That's when I know. He's telling me he's done and now I'm in the ocean and where the fuck is the shore?

It's a long walk home.

Things are odd between me and Edward then. He won't tell me outright to choose, because we both know I can't choose him. Yet. Maybe later, but not yet. He's getting tired of waiting. He's been better than I deserve.

So when he says party at First Beach, I say yes. Maybe I'm saying yes to him, finally. Maybe I'm saying yes to just getting the fuck out of myself for a night. I wonder if I can do it. Can I be with him, now?

I try to remember what it was like, how he could take my breath away by just looking at me. I try to remember how it felt to kiss him, and while I can remember salty mouth and hard tongue and teeth hitting mine, I can't remember my heart feeling anything. But I know it did. Can it again? Maybe I'll find out.

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Jasper

Cullen said nine so I'm pacing the floor, waiting until it's time to leave. If he gets there with her and she sees my truck, she'll bolt. If I get there too late, she could be wrapped around someone else, and I don't think I can handle that one tonight. Tonight is for talking. If a little booze and a little weed helps, okay. I can let that be. But her wrapped around someone else getting even with me? That's done. Here and now.

The clock chimes nine and I leave. Ten minutes isn't going to be the end of the world. I pull over onto the side road and park with the rest of them. Newton's here, probably got Crowley with him. Stanley too, so that means Mallory. Emmett's Jeep, Cheney's truck. Gang's all here. I take another tip from the flask and start walking down to the glow of the fire. Tonight is hello or goodbye. Limbo is gone.

I walk toward the fire and it's flashing blue and gold and green and Cheney comes over saying hey man, glad you came and Ang is on his arm looking just glad to be by his side. I smile at them both because I remember how that feels. Emmett's on me next with Rosalie at his side. She's looking anywhere but at me and he's looking at her like he's waiting for something and I don't know what the fuck that's about. She drags him away and they're fighting about something and you know, I just can't care about that now.

I grab a beer from the cooler and walk over by the fire. It smells good and warm and mellow and I'm glad because tonight I need mellow. My stomach's trying to live where my heart belongs and my heart's somewhere around my knees. I try not to look for her but I spot Cullen down by the water and she's got her arm around his. He's walking her along and she's got a red plastic cup in her hand and I don't know. I don't like seeing him like that with her but I'm grateful too. They sit down on some driftwood and I can see them talking. Her face is down and he's leaning toward her and he's got his arm around her shoulder. I don't know what the fuck is going on and then Alice is there and you have got to be fucking joking, man. I wonder if all my bad luck just kind of hung out in one spot and waited for tonight?

Alice is putting her hand in mine and I'm saying no and stop and don't. She's looking up at me all big blue eyes and black hair saying please let's talk and I say there's nothing to say, Alice. She thinks there is and I finally say please go away. She gets mad and says that I can't let one night ruin my life and look at Edward and Bella and isn't it time that I get some of my own happiness. She's got this pleading look in her eyes, and six months ago? I would have taken her hand and led her away and I would have found out about Alice. Now I look at her and think what you don't know about happiness is a lot. Rosalie comes over then and she's pulling Alice away and I've got my eyes on Cullen. He gets up and walks away and Trix just sits on the log and watches the water and if I'm doing this, it's got to be now.

I pass Cullen on my way and he stops. He says we're even now and what he means is after this, if I can't set this right? She's his. What am I supposed to say? I nod and he nods and heads back to the party. I hear a shriek from Alice, or maybe it's Rosalie, and then I hear Emmett yell and then I'm so close I can smell Bella-trix on the breeze and I don't care anymore what else is happening.

I sit down and say Trix and she doesn't look at me. We sit there, quiet, and the wind takes a lock of her hair and it's doing this crazy dance and I tuck it back behind her ear and she leans in to my hand before she pulls away. I look at the red plastic cup she's got and I pick it up and smell it. I say was this enough and she nods. I hope it wasn't too much and if not, I know I have him to thank. For a lot tonight, it seems.

She watches the water and she's not crying and she says why.

Now this question? This question has been keeping me company every night and every day since it happened and I still don't know. I say have I ever lied to you and she says no. It's fast, too. She knows I never have. I say I won't ever lie to you, can you believe that? She doesn't answer and we just sit there a while. Finally she sighs and says I can try.

I'll take try. Shoot, I'll take this whole conversation because it's the most we've talked, really talked, in months. I say how much do you want to hear. She says you have to say it all because if I'm going to hate you, I want to know why. I say that's fair enough and I don't let on that inside I am both hopeful and terrified.

I tell her we were playing cards at the kitchen table. I tell her we were drinking a lot and that Alice was on my lap and that I didn't think much of it because she'd been on my lap a lot. I told her that Alice was sweet and brought me aspirin because my head hurt and that Rosalie was bored and missing Emmett and I say I missed you so bad it was all I could think about, day and night. I tell her that I remember feeling warm and tired, like, wrapped up in warm and wrapped up in tired and that all of a sudden I just wanted the bed. Then I tell her that I woke up in the morning smelling her and that I was so happy and then I was so sad.

She huffs and says come on, Whitlock. You've been dying to nail Alice for six years and when you do you can't remember anything? Then she says, I can't take you back, you know. So don't lie thinking you'll get me back. You won't. I tell her again about the morning and smelling strawberries and she stiffens. You mean my shampoo she says and I say yeah and she's quiet and I wonder what that's about. Then I'm thinking that maybe Sweet Alice did this on purpose and I think Trix might think so too because she says my shampoo again and it doesn't matter because what's done is done, strawberries or no.

I say I opened your present. She doesn't say anything and I say I loved it, just like you said. I say thank you and she's quiet still. Finally she says Bobcaygeon and I say yeah. I look up and for once the stars are not hidden in clouds and I sing, low:

It was in Bobcaygeon

I saw the constellations

Reveal themselves, one star at a time

Then I say Orion, he's shining tonight. She leans over a little and I point him out and she puts her hand out to point and I hold on to it to show her and she leans closer, so I put my arm around her and we're both staring up, pointing at the sky and then I'm not staring because she's in my arms and she's reasonably straight and she's not crying and if this is as close as I ever get it's enough, enough, enough for me. (But who am I kidding? It's never enough. No such thing as enough when it comes to her.)

She leans her head on my shoulder and she holds still, then she tucks her head into my neck and she breathes me in and says fuck all long and slow and drawn out. I start to pull away because I'm not having this again and she holds me tight and won't let me go and I don't want to let her go either so I stay put and I'm a coward until I feel her lips on my neck and her fingers and creeping into my hair and then I'm so fucking grateful to her I want to fucking cry. I hold still and let her come to me and in another minute her lips are on mine and I reach up to touch her face, her hair and that's when I feel her tears. God damn.

I pull away but she clings so I stand and she rises and then lets me go.

We don't say anything until I say not like this, Trix. She says don't call me that and I say okay, Bella and she says don't call me that and I say what can I call you then? She doesn't say anything and she's fucking crying again.

This is about as fucked up as fucked up gets. I pull her in and hold her close and I say can we just try to be friends. Please? She doesn't answer but she does stop crying and then, my girl? She hauls off and hits me. I don't know if I'm proud or pissed or what, because that's the girl I know and love and well, fuck, I deserve it. But then she's running off and crying again and I'm chasing her and she says fuck you, you fucking asshole, you fuck, and I catch her wrist and say please, let's talk, let me take you home, anywhere I don't care, let's just go be alone somewhere and then she hauls off and hits me again and that shit hurt.

Now I'm both proud and pissed and every-fucking-body is watching and Cullen grabs her wrist and starts to take her away and fuck that. I go after him and I grab him and he fucking snarls at me so I say fuck you, Cullen. Then I say you better not fucking touch her you dick, I'll fucking kill you if you fucking touch her and she (my girl) spins around and says fuck you, Jasper. You think you can just fuck around and think you own me? Fuck you.

Now I don't know where Emmett's been, but I'm ready to fucking hit someone and Edward's got his arm around her waist and that's the fucking end of it so I haul back and swing but Emmett's got me by the arm and he's saying something low in my ear and I can't fucking hear him because Cullen's got Trix and they're gone back up the path. Then Emmett's talking again and it's louder and then it's the only fucking thing I can fucking hear. I stop and I look at him and he's looking at me like he means it and I look at everyone but I'm looking for her and I see her and she looks fucking terrified. And I say Alice? Because no matter what, I have always trusted her. I'm not blaming her for shit because I was a partner in it so I say Alice again and she sobs and looks down and the whole fucking place explodes.

Emmett finally lets me go. Alice comes up to me and I push her away. It'd the closest I've ever come to hitting a girl and I'm telling you, I wanted to. I get to my truck and see Cullen's already taken Trix away. I call him, over and over and over and he doesn't answer and what the fuck? I go to her house and it's dark and I go to his house and he's not there and I don't know where the fuck they are. Finally I go home and call Emmett and he says the party kind of busted up after that and no, he doesn't know where Cullen is and then he says oh shit and hangs up. What the fuck?

I go back to Bella's and it's still dark and I go back to Cullen's and he's still not there so I finally just go home. I look around my room and realize there is not enough smoke, there is not enough booze to make this shit better tonight. I try anyway, taking a few hits from the bong then tipping back the flask. Liquid courage? No. Liquid memory loss, that's what I'm looking for.

I put Jimmy on repeat and try to get lost in remembering her lips on my neck. I don't know how long I stayed that way, but I must have fallen asleep because when the morning came up I turned over, trying to get away from the bright and she was warm and heavy next to me and I felt my arm curl around her. She sighed and shifted and as I squeezed the hip that fit just right in my palm, I breathed deep and smelled strawberries.

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AN: So, I got to about 10,000 words and realized I had another 2-4,000 to go, and decided to split this baby into two sections. The next section will be up soon. 5-7 days. Promise. And then there may be an epilogue and that will be all. Sad. I love this Jasper.

Thank you so, so much to all of you who have written reviews, sent PM's, and added this to your favorites or alerts lists. Honestly, getting those little email notifications is just like gmail delivering happiness instead of half-dead flowers. It's such a squee moment, Every. Single. Time.

I am so sorry if I didn't reply to your review. The suck that has been the problem with FFn has been blocking my ability to rely to reviews for a few days now. Please know they've made me all happy and glowy. I hope this chapter lives up to your expectations.

The song Jasper sings is Bobcaygeon by The Tragically Hip.

If you like Jasper fics, I'd like to recommend Full Circle and Only at Night. Both are pretty awesome in their own way. Links to both in my profile under favorite stories. Also, The Tutor is a hecka sweet E/B story. Worth reading, IMO.