"The Great Pocky Run"
Kyouko and Homura go on a vengeful road trip to find Mitakihara's lost pocky. Kyouko gets scarred for life.
It's just another day in the very slightly fucked up version of Mitakihara that some jaded teenager cooked up. Another day for Kyouko, the one day of the week, in fact, when she would always buy another box of Pocky. A week's stock, so to speak.
But this time is different. This time, there is no Pocky. Not a single one. She goes to her usual stop: just some convenience store around the corner. None to be found. Every shelf that should have them, empty. Curious, but perhaps someone around the neihbourhood was having a Pocky Party™. She heads to the supermarket next.
Nothing, again. Every single one, gone from where it should be. Whole shelves of them missing, and not a single one of the employees knew what the hell happened to all of the Pocky.
"Okay," she says to herself "maybe they just got really popular for some reason and the store ran out. Maybe they forgot to restock them." She keeps running through her head for excuses, but nothing is particularly satisfying enough to call true.
After meticulously scouring every single market, store, and singular vendor in Mitakihara, she comes to the horrifying realization: Some asshole had stolen her Pocky.
It is also at this point where she decides to call up literally everyone in her contacts list to see if any of them have a few spare boxes. Not a single one had any. Well, besides Madoka who only had the one, and one was not enough. Kyouko needed all of the Pocky. She craved it, needed it; she starved for the Pocky. The flow of time slowed as she realized she had only one contact left. The last resort. The final nail in the coffin to her normal — what should have been good — day. She feels something get stuck in her throat as she auto-dials and holds it up to her ear.
"Yeah?" a familiar voice asks.
"H-Homura..." Kyouko says.
"Yeah? Spit it out, I'm eating." she bluntly orders.
"It's gone." is all she says.
"What?"
"The Pocky. It's all...it's all gone! Every box!" Kyouko says, panicking externally.
Homura groans, "And...? I don't have any. I don't really care about your stupid biscuit sticks, either."
"Please!" Kyouko begs "You have to help me!"
Homura groans even louder, "Come on! What's even in it for me?"
Kyouko gulps, trying to think of something. "Well, surely whoever took them must have a lot more! You can have half of everything we get!"
Homura isn't impressed, "That all?"
"And I'll stop Sayaka from ruining your dates!" Kyouko offers, completely out of her ass. She knows she can't perform such a feat, but the Pocky is what's most important right now.
"Hmm..." Homura ponders the idea while shoving a shitty, microwaved chicken nugget into her gaping maw.
The suspense nearly kills Kyouko. It would have literally killed her if she had followed through with her other last resort.
"Deal." Homura says. "I'll get you your damn sticks. Just keep Sayaka in check."
"YES!" Kyouko nearly leaps, also nearly dropping her phone off the building she's standing atop in the process. After a quick and deft catch, she announces to her new companion, "I'll be there in just a minute! Get the device ready!"
"Wait, what!?" Homura yells back at her. "But my nuggers!" she says as she holds up a plate of at least 52 chicken nuggers all stacked into a neat pile like a great pyramid.
"Not important!" Kyouko argues just before hanging up and making a run for it.
"Hey, the— Hello? Kyouko!" Homura yells in vain. "Well, guess I've gotta do this, now. Goodbye, peaceful day..." she says, departing her ultra-comfy bed to get ready for the trip.
About 10 minutes later, Kyouko arrives at her apartment complex and knocks on her room's door. The door immediately opens, slamming directly into her face and causing blood to erupt from her nose like a tomato fountain.
"FUCK, fuck, fuck you!" Kyouko screams while holding her clearly broken nose in indescribably horrible agony.
"Whoops." Homura merely "apologizes". She comes out from the door holding her plate of nuggers, a pink PTRS-41 strapped to her back, wearing a bandolier of ammo and a desert eagle on her side. "Anyways, ready." she says as if it's no big deal, brandishing some keys in the other hand.
"The fuck!? We're going on a drive, not shooting someplace up!" Kyouko yells at her, flailing her arms about while she struggles to get up.
"May be both." Homura says as she kicks the door closed and starts to walk out on her own. "Come on, now, don't lag behind."
"Fuck, you broke my nose, you bitch!" Kyouko continues to complain even as she follows along obediently.
"Beggars can't be choosers." Homura executes her argument as swiftly as a bullet to the dick.
Unable to retort, Kyouko just follows along. Eventually, they make their way out to The Device, Homura's questionably acquired 1972 Cutlass Sedan painted jet black with gold stripes. Literal, actual gold.
"There it is." Homura presents it with the hand she holds the keys in. "Now help me get this shit in."
The two pack the Boomy the pink PTRS-41 into the back, then Homura places her plate of nuggers on the central panel. Finally, they start it up and get ready to go.
"Uh, remind me where you learned to drive." Kyouko says, nervously buckling up for the first time in her life.
"I didn't." Homura admits before smashing the gas pedal and blasting through the garage at 60mph, then barrelling down the road.
"FUUUUUUUCK!" yells Kyouko when they nearly ramp off of a speed bump. Meanwhile, Homura nonchalantly shoves several nuggers in her mouth. "Are you seriously trying to eat right now!?" Kyouko continues to be outraged by her current predicament.
"Beggars can't be choosers." Homura repeats herself while she runs over some poor bloke.
Kyouko does a double-take, "You just KILLED that guy!"
"Yup."
"KILLED him! What the hell do you think you're even doing!? Pull over and let me—"
"Nope." Homura continues to eat.
Within a minute of Kyouko incessantly screaming and Homura nearly crashing every half second, they end up at one of the department stores Kyouko first went to. To Kyouko's surprise, she actually manages to make a smooth stop, here.
"What?" Kyouko asks.
"What?" Homura asks back.
"Why are we here? I already checked every store!"
"Leads." Homura briefly explains.
"...Please tell me you're not going to—"
Five minutes later, they find themselves holding the manager's head against his desk while Homura shoves her deagle into it and yells, "WHERE ARE THEY!?"
"I don't know!" he cries, afraid for his life.
"TELL ME WHERE THE FUCKING POCKY IS!" she demands.
Kyouko starts to quietly apologize over and over, hoping this doesn't get her arrested. The man continues to deny it, "I said I don't know, just look at the ledger!"
Homura pulls the slide back for intimidation and takes a more calm tone, "Why the fuck are you making this so difficult? Why are you even resisting? There's no reason to. All we want is the fucking Pocky, but you won't say anything. Why? Is it a corporate secret? Did you give it all to some illegal black market? Is your life on the line or some stupid shit?"
"I—" he tries to speak, but gets pistol-whipped.
"I don't care." Homura bluntly says. "Now tell me where it is before I BLOW YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF!" she reverts to screaming again.
He starts to sob uncontrollably, "I really don't know!"
"Three!" Homura counts down; he continues to sob. "Two!" she yells while turning the safety off; he repeats himself. "One!" she says, trigger finger itching.
"Wait!" he begs. "I'll tell you, for the love god, I'll tell you!"
"That's goddess, to you." Homura corrects him, completely inappropriately. Kyouko is literally shaking in the meantime.
He ignores this and finally lets up, "It was a guy, a really rich one! He remotely ordered the entire stock, never told me why!"
"Name, asshole! I need a name!" Homura threatens as she takes a step back.
Asshole flinches and answers, "He just went by Mr. Kobayashi! That's all I know, I swear!"
Seemingly satisfied, Homura puts her gun down and huffs. Kyouko timidly comes up to her and asks, "So, what do we do now?"
Taking a moment to consider the info, Homura says, "...Kill him. Get the ledger."
Asshole freaks out, "What!? No, no! I did what you wanted!"
Kyouko also freaks out, "You've got to be kidding me; this can't be happening!"
Homura can't help but break out into hysterics over it, "O-Oh my goddess! You actually thought we needed to kill him! You thought I was serious!" She laughs way too hard at it, "Just get the damn ledger!" She then approaches the guy and waves her hand over him, making him pass out with amnesia.
Kyouko quickly grabs the ledger and gets out of the building as quickly as humanly possible. When they get out to the car, she acts outraged, "Okay, what the FUCK was that!? Why do you have to go and threaten to kill people every time we do this kind of shit?"
"I don't know, why?" Homura asks back as if it were a lead-in.
"What?" Kyouko stares at her blankly.
"Well that wasn't funny at all." Homura snarks as she shoves another fistful of nuggers in her mouth. She then talks while chewing, "So what does that thing say?"
Kyouko darts through the specifically relevant entry, "Uh, that he spent hundreds on Pocky? Wish I could do that."
"Useless." Homura comments, snatching the ledger from her and reading it herself. After a minute and a few nuggers, she finally comes to a conclusion, "Ledgers are useless for the task at hand, but I know where to start."
"What!? Why did we even grab it!?" Kyouko yells.
"I dunno." Homura bluntly answers. "Anyways, let's go."
"Wait, wait, at least let me—" Kyouko tries to stop her, but there are no brakes on the homutrain.
"No time." Homura says as she steps the pedal to the metal. At the same time, she pops in a CD for Five Finger Death Punch and plays it at maximum volume.
On the way to their next destination, she explains the plan, "So there aren't a lot of rich people here. Obviously. But, there are a handful that could just buy out an entire stock of Pocky like it's nothing. Must have been thousands. Also must have been really eccentric. Now, I know a lot of notable people in this city, but I only have one question left. I'll go in alone on this one. You just sit tight and use this." She hands Kyouko a walky-talky.
"For...?" she asks.
"Radio me if the police show up."
"Got i— wait, what!? Police!?" Kyouko continues to regret her life decisions.
"Yes, police." Homura confirms, eating more nuggers. "Fuck, should have brought my drink. Hold on..."
She then sidetracks and pulls up to a convenience store, "This is conveniently the place I also need to go." She then gets out and is just about to stride inside, but then she turns on her heel and asks, "Oh, you want anything?"
Kyouko looks dumbfounded, "What? No!"
"Right." Homura says, unconvinced. "Remember, police!"
Kyouko rolls her eyes. Several minutes of waiting and watching the roads later, she surprisingly doesn't see anyone coming. Homura comes out eventually, holding a can — yes, a can of milk and her long-barreled desert eagle.
"Mission set." she says as she gets back in and puts the can in a cup-holder.
"What did you do this time?" Kyouko asks, surprisingly calmly.
"Nothing much, let's just go." Homura says suspiciously quickly.
"Wait, is that canned milk?" Kyouko suddenly takes interest.
"Yes." Homura says as she starts up The Device and hears sirens wailing in distance. "And this is why I said to look out. Despair, take the wheel!"
She sets a coordinates on some sort of GPS system, then a woman's voice comes on and says, "Yes, Miss Akemi. Activating Auto-Pilot."
"This thing can TALK!?" Kyouko blurts out.
"Yes, now take this and start shooting!" Homura yells, handing her a solid-gold Uzi. She then puts on a pair of sunglasses and takes Boomy out of the back while the car's AI floors it to some unknown destination.
"What!?" Kyouko yells back. "This is fucking crazy!"
"Shoot, woman!" Homura commands as she fires Boomy at an approaching cruiser, blowing a hole in its front which then causes the entire front to explode, which then causes the entire car to explode, which causes a three-cruiser pileup that the rest have to navigate around. And then the other three explode.
Kyouko looks onwards at the chaos, "...How the hell am I supposed to compete with that!?" She starts randomly firing the Uzi, only to discover that it's semi-automatic. She gives it a puzzled look.
The Device does a sharp turn, suddenly! The chicken nuggers fly out of the window, the plate hitting Kyouko in the shin and nearly making her fly out of the window, herself. Then, several of the cruisers fly directly into the adjacent buildings and explode, killing doubtlessly many people. Regardless, more take their place as they drift Tokyo Drift-style around the turn and pursue relentlessly.
"Fuck, the nuggers!" Homura yells when she notices them sprawled across the road and being run over.
"Screw the goddamn nuggets, that plate of yours hit me in the shin!" Kyouko says, taking out one of the cruisers' tires.
"Beggars can't be choosers!" Homura repeats her mantra as she blows up another cruiser which causes a chain-reaction explosion among several others.
"You've said that three times!" Kyouko argues, unloading the rest of the magazine into one car's windshield. She backs into the car.
"Still true!" Homura argues back, also retreating after one more shot. She hands another mag to Kyouko and reloads Boomy as well.
Kyouko slides the mag in and prepares to peek back out, "And where the hell did you get those sunglasses from? And this Uzi!"
"You'll see." Homura ominously states. Both of them peek out the windows and unload another mag into the chasing cruisers, only for even more to take their place! There are so many that they essentially fill the streets, and there's even two helicopters hovering overhead and trying to spotlight them!
"Shit." Homura explicates while reloading.
"Fuck." Kyouko similarly says.
Homura then peeks out and fires two rounds into one of the helicopters, causing its rotors to spin out of control and fly off, crashing into the road below while the entire thing spirals into a nearby building and explodes violently. They can both see several people fall out of the explosion, followed by everyone that was in the building as it collapses.
Kyouko just stares at her as if she just committed mass murder. Well, she sort of did. "You're a goddamn lunatic, you know that?"
"Yes, I am. Yes, I do." she answers before unloading the rest of the mag into the other helicopter. It does the same exact thing, but this time the building collapses sideways and turns a significant portion of Downtown into a catastrophic domino setup. Which also explodes.
Kyouko can barely even speak, she's so breathless. Literally dry heaves for several seconds straight before she can muster anything to say, "...What even are you?"
Homura reloads and hands her another mag. Suddenly, she can feel something lifting them off of the ground. Before Kyouko knows what's happening, the entire car transforms into a goddamn jet plane!
"Initiating flight protocols, Miss Akemi." the AI says. Just before they get too far off the ground, Homura throws a large object out of the window.
"I'm the motherfucking devil, bitch." She finally answers. Just then, the entire road below and behind them explodes into a spectacular plasma inferno napalm blast which envelopes the entire city block they fly out of.
Kyouko looks back. Her jaw drops as she watches the cherry-red explosion expulse into an immeasurably gargantuan column of blazing embers and smoke. Everything around them becomes explosions and fire, the whole city rumbles in terror with what their beligerence hath wrought, and Kyouko regrets all of her life decisions leading up to and at this point.
As the plane-car levels out and they flee the explosion, her mouth is still hanging open wider than she thought it possibly could. And that's saying something considering she once ate two Big Macs at the same time.
"You're drooling." Homura says, pointing at her chin. "What, did the explosion make you hungry? I got some Pop Rocks if you want something that'll just..." she pauses for effect "...pop in your mouth. Like thousands of little, tiny—"
"I get it, jeez!" Kyouko stops her.
"...Little, tiny explosions going off on your tongue." Homura continues anyways.
The two sit in silence for a moment. She opens a pack and downs the whole thing. "Whoa." she says. "WHOA." she says a few seconds later. "Okay, I'm ready."
"Wait, ready for what?" Kyouko turns her head with nothing but undiluted fear in her eyes.
"FOR THIS!" Homura yells, signaling for them to take cover.
Kyouko looks ahead, only to notice that they're nosediving directly into a mansion.
"YOU ABSOLUTELY INSANE, STUPID BITCH!" Kyouko screams as she covers her face and looks away.
They crash into the ceiling of some sod's mansion with enough force to level the entire building, but it doesn't. They actually manage to land directly into the owner's study, with the entire car getting lodged between the ceiling and wall.
"You have arrived at your destination, Miss Akemi." the AI unironically informs them.
By some stroke of luck or genius, the doors open at just the right height that they can simply jump out and into the gaudily decorated room without hurting themselves too much. The airbags give them some trouble, but they're both able to hop out before anyone can catch up to them.
"Ow." Kyouko simply says.
"Yeah, sorry about that. Actually, I'm not sorry, that was fantastic and you know it." Homura quips.
"I think it sprained my back." Kyouko complains.
"Shut up and—" Homura tries to speak, but the ceiling part holding the car's back collapses. The back falls right next to Kyouko, who pisses herself at that very moment. Homura just claps, "Oh, good."
"I think I just peed a little..." Kyouko says meekly.
Homura proceeds to open the trunk up and reveal and entire cache of highly illegal guns. "Take your pick." she says.
Kyouko hands the Uzi back and picks up the bayonetted MK 14 EBR with drum magazine. She says nothing.
Homura oohs and compliments her choice, "Ooh, good choice. 7.62x51; nasty little fucker. You know that's just a modern version of the M14? It was such a living legend that they had to remake it! Try not to scratch it."
Just then, the owner of the study and the mansion walks in and asks in his most outraged tone, "Just what the hell is going on in here!?" He's dressed in a bath robe.
Kyouko yelps, turns around, and immediately fires four shots in his general direction. One of them actually hits him in the shin. "Oh shit..." Kyouko gasps, unsure of what possessed her to do that.
"Wow..." Homura fakes shock "...nice job." she then compliments. She approaches the man and plants Boomy's barrel directly against his forehead, "Okay, bitchface! Here's the deal: We know you bought all of the Pocky in Mitakihara. Now tell us where it is before I decide to lace you head with enough explosives to blow up a police cruiser!"
Just then, her phone starts to ring. "Eh?" she says, picking it up and quickly answering while holding the overly long gun at his head.
"Oh, hey, Madoka! Uh, bad time." she says.
"Homura, I saw you on the news!" Madoka angrily yells.
"Yeah?" she asks rhetorically "And how was that?"
"You blew up everything! You killed hundreds of people!"
"Well, I don't know about hundreds..."
"Homura!"
"Don't worry, Madoka, I'm completely fine!"
"That's not the problem! I told you to stop doing these sorts of things!"
"What? A little carnage is good for everybody! Reminds them of how much they have to lose and all of that...jazz."
She senses that the ensuing silence is a bad omen and tries to reason with her, "Look, you're getting something out of this too, you know. Besides, it wasn't my idea."
"What!?" Kyouko yells from the distance "This was entirely your idea!"
"Oh, please!" Homura yells at her. She then gets shot at least three times in the back.
"Oh dear." She says.
"Wait, what was that?" Madoka asks, suddenly concerned.
"Oh, I just got shot like three times in the back." Homura nonchalantly informs her.
"What!? Homura, are you...are you...!?" Madoka starts yelling and borderline freaking out.
"Oh wow, I'm bleeding a lot. Guess a battle rifle will do that to you, huh?" Homura continues to blow off the injury. She can hear Madoka hyperventilating on the other end and tries to console her, "Don't worry, I'm fine. Oh, I'm here with the 6th richest guy in Mitakihara, by the way! Want to say 'hi' before I blow his head off?"
"WHAT!?" Madoka screams, forcing Homura to pull the phone away for a second. "Homura, get your ass over here RIGHT NOW!"
"I'll be over when this job is done. Don't worry, I'll be home for dinner!" Homura dismisses her anger. "Love you!" she says as she hangs up, Madoka still yelling on the other end.
"Now where was—" The phone rings again. She puts it on silent and resumes. "Right, we were threatening you with copious amounts of explosive death!"
She pulls out her long-barreled desert eagle and offers, "So how would you prefer your death? 14.5x114 millimeter or .50 Action Express? Your head's going to explode either way, but I hear that the rifle is the better option. I also don't want to get my pistol dirty. Gonna stand a bit of a ways away, you know? Gonna maybe miss a few times, hit your ear instead and get a bad angle. Very slow."
Boomy speaks up in its high-pitched gun-voice. "Just blow off his legs and let him bleed to death!" it psychopathically suggests without the slightest hint of humanity.
"What do you want from me!?" Bitchface pleads to her.
Homura suddenly gets serious, "I told you, Bitchface, I want the fucking Pocky you bought the entire city out of. Now where is it?"
Kyouko comes up from behind, "Uh, I'm having second thoughts about this."
Homura slowly turns to her and gives an extremely bewildered shrug, "...Now? Of all times, you pick NOW to have a change of heart? No, we're doing this."
Bitchface speaks, "You're an absolute lunatic!"
Kyouko waves her arms about, "Oh my god, someone besides me finally said it!"
"Shut up, both of you." Homura commands. They zip it.
"Actually," she corrects herself "Bitchface, tell me where the Pocky is. Then shut up."
"I—" he tries to speak.
Homura interrupts, "And if you tell me anything other than that, I'll kill you and then find it, myself."
He shakes his head, looks outraged, but still concedes, "...Fine! Staking my life on chocolate desserts is just... They're in the kitchen! Look, I'm sorry to whoever found it inconvenient enough to send assassins after me, but my kids wouldn't quit about the damn Pocky!"
"Kids?" Homura asks, suddenly curious.
"Here they come, now!" Bitchface claims. Surely enough, they hear footsteps coming towards them. But there's something odd about these children...
"GOTT IST TOT!" the Clara Dolls say in unison.
Homura's sunglasses crack. She instinctively blows Bitchface's bitch face off of his face, causing Kyouko to flinch, recoil, and scream at the same time. "That's for my nuggers, bitch." Homura claims.
After that, she opens fire on the Clara Dolls who literally dodge bullets and run away. Homura takes her sunglasses off to reveal that the bags under her eyes grew three times larger that day. "Fucking dolls." she laments. "Come on, let's get your fucking Pocky..."
They enter the kitchen while slaughtering every person they come across. What meets them is quite literally every single box of Pocky in Mitakihara compiled into a single, giant vault. Which is then ripped from the building and hauled away by a massive zeppelin.
"How...!? When...!?" Kyouko wonders, unable to grasp her current state of reality in concrete terms.
"Well that was fun." Homura says. "Now that we have our chocolate gold, it's time to clean up."
"Clean up?" Kyouko quietly, unenthusiastically asks.
"Yep. Gonna erase everyone's memories so nobody thinks this happened. Fix a few other things, too. It'll be like nothing ever happened." Homura explains.
"What?" Kyouko flatly asks.
Homura claps her hands, "Bye."
"Wai—!"
The mansion explodes. This is now a Touhou manga.
