As promised, here's the next chapter of Twilight semi-crack. Just in case you read my original chapter three, you might want to go back and reread it—I rewrote the entire chapter. Enjoy!

I do not own any of Stephanie Meyer's work, solely the plot to this story—if there ever is one.


Edward was still screaming. Eye-witness squirrels still swear they saw him lift up an imaginary skirt revealing Betty Boop legs and high heels. In fact he screamed so loud, Bella had a rare stroke of common sense to quickly clothe herself and slap him.

Edward looked aghast, before returning his gaze back towards the naked shape-shifter and his unconscious daughter. It wasn't that he'd never seen another man's … well, you know, thing, but the fact of the matter was that he really did love his daughter. Seeing her faint because of the atrocity was too much for Edward's neurotic brain.

… Edward's left elbow was lifted … his knuckles cracked … he raised his arm back … back … so far back a wind-up toy would be jealous … and then quickly, so quick even the slow motion effects had no power in capturing the movement, his arm swung forward …his grin broadened, a beam of sparkliness shimmered … a bird crashed into a nearby tree…Bella's jaw dropped, and—

SLAP!

Edward b&!h slapped Jacob across the face.

Hard.

There had never been such a slap. Even the trees seemed to tremble with the resounding echo. It thundered across the landscape, a rumbling hum, startling bats in the nearest underground caves, upsetting a lonely woman's groove, and giving a certain police chief the extra push he needed to finally get rid of the extra saucy steak he'd consumed and hadn't been able to 'poop' out properly for the past week.

One might have called it glorious, the greatest slap in all history.

Silence ensued for a blinding second. Renesmee's breath hitched, her hands flying up to cover the gasp she emitted upon impact. Bella could only stare in horror.

Jacob's wide eyes lowered into dangerous slits. His muscles were already at their maximum bulge level and so Renesmee instinctively took a step back. He was angry, furious! She could already see his upper back muscles trembling meaningfully, as if little gremlins might pop out at any second.

Bella, however, was not as moved. Be it lack of comprehension or the more mild ignorance, she moved quickly, grabbing Renesmee off the floor—away from said wolf's shaking hands—and performed an encore of slaps.

Nessie's frazzled state quickly calmed Jacob down, though in the back of his mind he promised: Edward, you're so going to pay for that. You're lucky this chain limits my space!

(Eye-witness squirrels agreed Edward mouthed the words 'Yeah, right' after this.)

But meanwhile—

"Nessie, wake up!" Bella hollered.

Of course, we must remember that Nessie is indeed half-vampire. It only took one smack to revitalize her. Bella seemed to be the only one who didn't get this memo, however—

"I'm awa—ow! Mom, I'm awake, stop!"

Bella was already going for another whack when another hand stopped her. Standing tall beside her, she looked up into dark brown eyes. Luckily Jacob had his shorts on this time otherwise certain things would have been harder to avoid considering Jacob's hip area was perfectly eye-level with Bella's face.

"Bells, she's awake."

Bella looked towards her daughter, hesitantly nodding her agreement before releasing her and moving back towards her husband. Edward was still eyeing Jacob warily, and was about to say something when—

Don't even think about it, Edward. You and Bells are no better, having sex in plain sight.

"That's different. Vampires have uncontrollable libidos. Plus my extra sheen makes it even harder to resist." He responded with a glare.

Jacob rolled his eyes, turning his back on the couple and reaching out for his wide-eyed imprint. "Come on, Ness. Let's get out of here."

Renesmee eyed the proffered hand through narrowed eyes. As if reading her mind, Jacob reassured with a nervous laugh. "Don't worry, you won't see me naked anytime soon."

"Damn right she won't!" Bella suddenly raged. She shot Jacob an angry look. "Is that what just happened? You revealed yourself to her?"

Edward resisted face-palming himself. Would Bella ever encompass vampire intelligence? Hell, human intelligence?

Before Jacob could answer, Renesmee responded loudly. "It was an accident, Mom. Come on, Jake. Let's go."

She couldn't explain why she'd defended him, but she was glad she did. As soon as she'd spoken, Jacob's face lit up with a smile so bright it almost put Edward to shame. Almost. She took his hand and climbed onto his back eagerly, her eyes subconsciously eying the seemingly shorter shorts hugging his narrow hips. She wouldn't admit it aloud, but seeing Jacob naked had been … the way his thighs had bulged, and his stomach had defined … well, it had been … kind of … inter—

"Don't even think about it, young lady."

Oh right, forgot Daddy can hear me … She wrapped her body tighter around the chiseled man-teen beneath her. "Run fast, Jake—"

Jacob sped off before she could finish the thought.


"We're moving away."

Nobody said a word … for the first two seconds. Then all hell broke loose.

"Why? The weather here does wonders for my hair, I refuse to move!" screeched Rosalie.

"What about Charlie?" whispered Bella.

"Good. Let's go to Alaska, no one would notice a few missing Eskimos …" mused Jasper.

"But what about all my new friends?" wailed Renesmee.

Carlisle sighed, eying his granddaughter first. "You haven't made any new friends, Ness."

Renesmee looked away in irritation. Sure, now they notice her outburst …

"We wouldn't be going far." Carlisle continued in a pleasant voice. "I was thinking we could try Canada for a little while. This way Jacob doesn't have to travel so far to see Nessie."

Renesmee's eyes shifted towards him once more. Were they actually considering something for her benefit? Wait, why was it is so important that Jacob see her?

Edward suddenly spoke. "Well, I don't think there's much debate whether we're going or not."

Emmett, who was busy poking Rosalie in the shoulder—his new favorite pastime—suddenly looked interested in the conversation. "Why do you say that?"

But the psychotic eyelids spoke volumes more than anyone else could have. Alice came out of her trance and looked at Emmett with a smile. "Because I already saw it. We're going to Alaska, and don't worry, Jasper, I won't let you go crazy with their blood."

Jasper gave Alice a pained look. "Why, thank you, honey …" Edward's lips tugged at the corners—only he knew what Jasper was really thinking.

"But what about Charlie? He hasn't noticed anything different about us for the past seven years, at least not that I've heard. I'm sure the rest of Forks is still as ignorant." offered Bella once more.

All eyes turned to Edward. They say opposites attract, and Edward was among the most intelligent in the family, as well as the most sparkliest. This had to be the reason he'd chosen Bella, it just had to! He offered her a hand. She took it hesitantly, following him out onto the porch where they could talk 'alone.'

"I don't understand, Edward. Why do we have to leave?"

"Bella, my sweet, kind, and loving Bella. You do realize that Charlie has known all along how different we are?"

Bella blinked in response.

"It was only a matter of time."

"But … lots of people look the same when they're young. How could—"

"Nessie's rapid growth is a pretty straight giveaway."

Bella snarled. "Dammit, Nessie …"

Edward pulled her into a hug. "I know, I know. But now we have to deal with the consequences of unprotected sex. But on the bright side, now that you're a vampire, we can have all the sex we want."

Bella's eyes lit up immediately. "Oh, yes."

"So who cares if we move to Alaska, right?" His hands began roaming down the length of her body, practically encircling her waist for how thin she was—Emmett could never understand the appeal to such wiriness. To each his own, we can only assume …

But all rationale was out the window; Bella would have lit herself on fire if Edward had asked. Let's face it, any girl would have if Edward was groping and rubbing his sexy, glistening body against them.

Edward grinned. Alaska, here we come …


Just fyi, I'm thinking of making 'squirrels' a recurring theme in this story, they're just so cute and funny in a way lol. What do you think? Review please :)