A/N: I don't own "Voyager," or any of the other shows this chapter makes references to.
Lady Q and Janeway reappeared in the trashiest looking apartment Janeway had ever seen. It reminded her of one of those studios in New York, with the concrete floor and the slanted wall of windows, where you felt you were standing inside a giant trapezoid. Janeway knew some people who'd consider it cool and "artsy" looking, but she wasn't one of them. Clothes and unwashed dishes sat everywhere. It was nighttime, judging by the stars in the window. Actually, the sky was so clear one would almost thing they were in outer—
"Q!" Janeway heard her own voice bellow. "IS THAT YOU?"
Janeway's counterpart was sitting on the torn sofa, eating coffee flavored ice cream out of the container, and wearing a horrible red jogging suit.
Janeway and Lady Q exchanged a glance.
"No," Lady Q explained. "We're just visitors from another universe."
Jogging-suit Janeway gave them both a look, and groaned. "That pig is cheating on me, don't think I don't know it!"
"If you say so." The "real" Janeway sighed.
A silver flash filled the room, and Q—the Q—appeared.
"Kathy darling!" Q spread his arms, as if expecting his wife to hug him. "I'm so sorry I'm late. I had a meeting at the Continuum that ran over schedule, and then I stopped by the UWQ to drop off the socks Junior forgot to bring to school with him—"
"It's summer break you idiot." Jogging-Suit snapped. "Junior is at a sleepover. Nice try!" She shot up from the sofa and stomped over to her husband, shaking her ice cream spoon at him accusingly. "You weren't at any meeting either! You were with that Ocampan skank! I'm not gonna blame Kes, that dumb bitch is only five years old. But you're at least a few billion years old, what the hell's your excuse?!"
Q pursed his lips in a pathetic attempt at puppy-dog-eyes. "Oh Kathy please forgive me! You know I can't control my urges. I'm a Q! We can't help it! Oh I may stray from you from time to time, but I'm always back to—"
The shrill blast of an old-fashioned telephone interrupted Q.
"One moment, that's probably for me." Q rushed to answer the phone. It was one of those old 1920s antique telephones, where you had to hold the mouth and ear piece separately. Instead of saying "Hello," he answered it with, "I told you not to call me at home!"
Tucking back into her ice cream, Janeway grumbled, "If it's Kes, tell her she can do better!"
"Shh!" Q hissed. "What was that?" The muffled voice on the other end did not sound like Kes. "What do you mean the Prophets are ending the alliance? My men delivered that—" he glanced nervously at his wife. "—that 'soda and water' last Friday, just as Big Benny requested! What's he threatening to make people 'disappear' for?" More muffled screaming from the other line. "What was I supposed to do, just sit there and let an entire squad of Continuum Police Force cars catch us with seven crates full of Spice?! It was either we take a back road or we dump it all in the river and lose 75 grand! What would you've done?"
The real Janeway shook her head at Lady Q. "I don't watch these Mafia dramas. I have no idea what's going on."
"Of course you don't." Lady Q said. "I didn't either. The wives are never supposed to know. It's the tradition. The mob is men's business. You wanna know the real reason I divorced him? Well," she gestured to Q, now yelling into the phone. "I'd suspected for years, but after Q and some of his buddies made a Prophet lawyer 'disappear' and it was all over the Advanced Energy Beings of the Universe news, I decided enough was enough, and started looking for someone who can actually make an honest living."
"So you're telling me that the Q, the Wormhole Aliens, and all the other super-advanced energy aliens Starfleet's encountered…have mafias?"
"Why not? Every other society has its organized crime. Besides, haven't you ever wondered why you lower beings keep running into unruly aliens like Q, who seem outcast from their society, and don't have an honest job to keep them busy? Well, there's a reason no one wants them around. They're crooks."
"Suddenly it all makes sense."
The other Janeway called over from the couch, "So much for Junior bringing balance to the Continuum! That turned out just peachy keen. The only thing his human DNA did was make it impossible for him to learn how to snap his fingers. He's eighteen and he has to have his father haul him around like cattle, or take the Continuum bus." She snorted, and stabbed her spoon back into her ice cream.
"But did Q keep his word, and send Voyager home?" Janeway asked her counterpart. "Like he promised, if I had his child?"
"Oh he did." Janeway nodded. "Voyager got home just in time for the Dominion War. Only one member of my old Voyager senior staff's still alive now." She gave her horrified counterpart an ironic, wearied look. "Harry Kim."
"Probably because he always manages to find some way to come back from the dead," the real Janeway muttered. "So," she asked Lady Q. "I guess Seven's still a drone in this universe, too?"
"A drone of very high standing," Lady Q said encouragingly. "You might be proud of her."
"Oh really."
Q slammed the receiver of his phone down and hurried back to his wife. "Kathy, dearest, I'm just going to have a few friends over, just some guys from I know from the neighborhood."
"I don't want you conducting your filthy blood money business in this house!" Janeway said hoarsely. "It already makes me sick, thinking of all the aliens you've murdered and planets you've obliterated…"
"Oh look in the mirror hypocrite." Q snarled. "You don't seem too cut up about it when my 'blood money' buys you a new dress or—" the doorbell chimed. "Oh I'll get that!"
Q answered the door, and some older Q dressed in a pinstriped suit and a fedora stepped in. Who should follow the man, but Benjamin Sisko, dressed very similarly, with large round glasses to match.
"What's the captain of DS9 doing here?" The real Janeway whispered to Lady Q.
"Oh, maybe you missed the news." Lady Q whispered back. "He left the space station to live in the Wormhole with the Prophets, and evolved into a super intelligent being. Oops, was that a spoiler?"
More of Q's "associates" entered the apartment. Kes strode in, with the short silver hair and long robes she'd sported that time she'd paid Voyager an unfriendly visit a year ago.
Then came a pompous looking man with wavy brown hair and muttonchops, dressed in an elegant blue frock coat trimmed with gold leafy designs, over a ruffled white blouse.
"I know who that is," Janeway whispered. "That's Trelane! Captain Kirk encountered him on the planet Gothos in 2267! And if memory serves, he's a cosmic mama's boy."
"I heard that." Terlane snapped, taking a seat on the sofa next to jogging-suit Janeway.
Another familiar face entered the apartment. Guinan, the famous bartender from Picard's Enterprise. She appeared to be a black human woman with long dreadlocks, wearing colorful robes and outrageous disc-shaped hats, but she was known for being an alien almost as powerful as Q.
The last two people to enter were the Borg Queen, and Seven of Nine—a full Borg drone.
Trelane snorted at the Borg Queen. "You always bring the kiddies to a meeting?"
Seven looked ready to punch Trelane, but the Queen held her back. "Seven! We're business women!" Turning back to Trelane, she coolly replied, "Seven happens to be my second in command now. She might even take over the family beeswax after I'm gone."
Trelane grumbled, "What happened to this being a man's beeswax, huh?"
"Enough chit chat!" Ben Sisko said, lighting up a cigar. "What I wanna know is, why was my stock five centuries late, and two crates short on what we agreed?"
"Don't ask me," Q whined. "Ask Trelane why he wouldn't grant a friend permission to cut through his territory!"
"I told you," Trelane glared at Q. "My ma and pop are on the right side of the law, and if they see a carload of Q gangsters cutting through their lawn, they'll get suspicious and call the feds!"
Guinan spoke while pouring everyone a drink. "You couldn't get the parents out of the house for one night so Q could cut through your planet? As them to take you to a movie or something?"
Seven of Nine added, "You no doubt could've distracted them with one of your piano concerts."
Kes began to giggle, much to Trelane's rage.
"You think that's funny, Tinkerbelle? You're lucky any of us even consider doing business with a back-stabbing broad like you!"
"Um excuse me," Kes shot Trelane a condescending look. "Who was it that left home at age one to explore the universe, and evolved into a super intelligent being by age four? And who is it that still lives with his mother at age seven billion and a half?"
Sisko bellowed, "Niggas, we're gettin' off the subject!"
Guinan nodded in agreement. "What we need to do is discuss how to mend the wounds in our friendships."
"What we need ta do," Trelane pointed at Guinan, "Is discuss why the heck any of us are doing business with a race of cheapskates in stupid hats who ain't welcome anywhere in the galaxy!"
"Why you racist little," Guinan lunged at Trelane, and the brawl finally broke out.
Lady Q and both Janeways watched unimpressed, as the various aliens began punching each other, slashing with pocket knives, and swinging at each other with pieces of furniture.
While the brawl went on, the apartment doors opened, and Q Junior stepped in. He looked just as he had when Janeway had met him in real life, but his eyes were a brighter blue—Janeway's—and he wore a green "Irish Pride!" T-shirt. A backpack was slung over his shoulder, and his blue eyes sparkled behind large hipster glasses. His legs were in skinny jeans, finished with green high-toped sneakers.
"Sorry I'm late Mom," Q Junior said to the Janeway on the couch. "I missed the bus, so I had to hitch a ride from Q. But then she got a call from Q, who said his stepmom was coming over and he wanted to get away, so we had to make a stop to pick him up, and then we figured since us three were together, why not see if we could find Q and Q and go get coffee at Perkin's. But you know who we ran into there? Q! And you know who was with him?"
"Junior, I don't care," his mother grumbled, ducking as Kes tossed Trelane over the sofa.
"Okay," the real Janeway turned to Lady Q. "You've seen one mob brawl you've seen 'em all. Let's go home."
"Home?" Lady Q frowned. "Already? Don't you want to know what would happen if you chose Seven of Nine?"
Janeway's eyebrows went up. "I'd almost forgotten about that option…Okay girlfriend. Let's see if my life would be any easier as a lesbian."
Grinning, Lady Q raised her fingers.
FLASH!
