IN THE MIDST OF IT ALL

Chapter 4

I'm Afraid the Hurt is Here to Stay

Carly takes one last look around the penthouse. Flowers are in place. Champagne is chilling. Candles are ready to be lit. She'll leave instructions with one of the guards to light them when the doorman calls up to warn him when Jason and Sam are on the way. This romantic setting should be just what they need.

"I'm good," she says, smiling smugly while standing in the middle of the romantic little haven.

She can't help but wonder why she's doing this, though. She doesn't recall being this determined to help Jason and Sam before. But she realizes that despite all her efforts to the contrary, she's managed to develop a soft spot for Sam. So far, she's been the only woman who's ever been able to give Jason total trust, love and acceptance. He deserves someone like her. She just hopes he doesn't blow it.

- - -

She opens the door just as he's about the knock on it.

"Jason."

"Sam."

They just stare at each other for awhile right there on Carly's porch. To say things are awkward is an understatement.

"I'm sorry," he finally manages to sputter out. "I was wrong for assuming the worst about you and for believing what Elizabeth accused you of."

"I'm sorry you chose to believe her, too."

He looks so pitiful standing there with that black eye and swollen nose. She closes her eyes to avoid the twinge of sympathy she's feeling.

"It hurts, Jason. That you can think the worst of me on her say so. And it hurts how she can make me think the worst of myself." She turns a tear filled gaze on him that has his heart breaking in two. "You may think you need to defend her from me, Jason, but you don't. She can take care of herself. And she has the power to hurt me so much more than I could ever hurt her."

"Sam, I'm sorry," he apologizes again. "You act so tough that sometimes it hard to remember that you need me."

"I am tough," she spits out, her eyes narrowing at the glimmer of amusement on his lips.

"Yeah, I won't make that mistake again," he smiles, gently touching his tender nose. "If you give me another chance?"

She wants to stay mad. But she can't. Not at him. But she still can't bring herself into letting him completely off the hook yet. Not until she feels he's paid adequate penance. A bubble bath, full body massage and pedicure just might do the trick.

"I'll consider it," she says coyly, thoughts of him washing her back bringing a seductive smile to her face. "But, there are a few things you can do to try to convince me."

"Anything," he says quickly. A little too quickly, he realizes when he sees the smile take on a mischievous tone. Suddenly, he feels his knees start to tremble. And he can't tell if it's from arousal or fear.

"Anything, huh? I'll keep that in mind."

She turns around and closes the door to Carly's house, making sure it's locked before they leave.

"But first, you can buy me a cup of coffee. I think I'm still a little tipsy and I want to make sure I have a clear head for what I have in store for you."

Oh yeah, it's fear, all right, he decides. Fear of what kind of scene he'll make if he doesn't get her home, naked, and under him in bed as soon as possible. Something tells him he's going to enjoy making up with her a whole lot. Suddenly, his smile is just as big as hers.

- - -

She waits on the docks for him as he gets coffee for them both from Kelly's. The warmth from the sun on a face is a stunning contrast to the bite of the winter breeze that blows across her skin. She's never felt more alive. Or more content, for some reason. And for some reason, that bothers her. The calm before the storm, perhaps?

"Sam."

She lets out a frustrated sigh.

"Nikolas. I guess you're here to catch the launch. I'll just get out of your way." She stands and starts to walk away, still irritated with him from before.

"Sam, wait. Can we talk?"

She lets out another sigh, but decides to indulge him for a few minutes. Maybe he's ready now to hear the actual story of what happened instead of just going by what he thinks she saw.

"Fine. Are you here to accuse me again of picking on poor, pregnant Elizabeth?"

"Sam, you were behaving badly. I won't apologize for trying to help a friend. But," he says quickly, holding his hand up to stop the comment he sees poised at her lips. "That's not what I'm here to talk to you about."

"Oh, well now I can hardly wait to hear what you'd have to say now," she says sarcastically, rolling her eyes for good measure. "I'm out of here."

"Stop this," Nikolas demands grabbing onto her arm as she's about to stomp off. "Stop this childish behavior. Is Jason really worth your dignity? Would you really ruin an innocent child's life because of your selfishness?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I just left speaking with Liz. And she asked me to appeal to you on her behalf. Actually, no. On Jason's behalf."

"Again, what are you talking about?"

"The baby, Sam. I know it's Jason's."

"So. You have a child with another woman, too. I don't see that stopping you and Emily from being together."

"That's beside the point, Sam. If Courtney were still alive, Emily would have never stood in the way of me being with my child. Do you think it's fair the position you're forcing Jason into?"

"Honestly, though it may not seem like it at the moment, I do know more words than the ones I'm about to repeat. But nevertheless, they're all that applies right now. WHAT . . . ARE . . . YOU . . . TALKING . . . ABOUT?"

"Fine, if you want to play dumb, then I'll explain it to you. When Jason learned about the baby, he went to Elizabeth and they managed to work things out. Then not a few hours later, after a fight with you, he's changed his tune and won't even allow Elizabeth into his house because of you. How could you make him choose between you and his child, Sam?"

"That's not true. I mean, yes. Jason and I did fight, but it had nothing to do with him being a part of his child's life," Sam insists. "I would never force him to give up his child, Nikolas."

"Maybe not intentionally, Sam. But you radiate hurt, anger and resentment over this situation. Jason loves you. I'm sure he did what he thought would make you happy. But you can't let him give up his child because of you. How could you live with yourself?"

"But . . . I didn't do anything," she says, tears of guilt building in her eyes. "How can I fix something I had nothing to do with?"

"Maybe by getting out of the way. Just until things settle down a little. Elizabeth is pregnant, Sam. And her husband has just left her. She's alone and she's scared. Don't you think she deserves to have access to the father of her child?"

"Oh believe me, Nikolas. You don't want me to tell you what I think Elizabeth deserves," she snarls.

"Okay, then forget Elizabeth. What about that baby? Jason's child? Does he or she deserve the best Jason can give? Don't you think that in the long run, Jason would only resent you for keeping him away from his child?"

That quiets her. But she's stubbornly in love with Jason. And unfortunately, this has more to do with just Jason.

"And now for the part you really won't like. It's about Alexis."

"Alexis? What does Alexis have to do with this?"

"Just more incentive for you to maybe give Port Charles a break for awhile." Which was his true goal this afternoon. "Not only to give Jason, Elizabeth, and the baby time to adjust, but also for Alexis. I know you're her daughter, but I've been her only family for a long time and I have to look out for her, even if it means going against you."

"And your point is?"

"You stress her. And now since I've spoken with Elizabeth, I realize why. And I just don't feel as if my sick aunt needs to deal with her own daughter who so . . . rudely, sleeps with her husband in her very own home."

Sam can only gasp, the accusation like a punch to her gut.

"Nikolas, that night . . ."

"Spare me the details," he says, giving her that aristocratic look of disdain he's mastered over the years. "If I can barely stand the sight of you, then I know how Alexis must feel. If you were any kind of daughter, you'd stay away so she can focus on getting better instead of attempting to tolerate you."

And Nikolas can see that his point has been made. He leaves her alone, wallowing in her own misery, to make the decision that's going to be right for all involved.

- - -

Her silence unnerves him. She didn't say one word the entire trip home.

"Are you okay?"

She says nothing. He looks at her eyes and is worried when she appears to be looking at nothing. The room is filled with flowers and candles, but she just ignores them. He'd be offended if he had been the one to set all this up. Must have been Carly. A nice gesture, he'll admit, but seemingly bad timing. He'll have to thank her anyway

"Sam?"

She flinches at his touch, but at least it's a reaction.

"Sam, what's happened?"

She sighs and sets her coffee on the table, her hand shaking like a leaf. He grabs it and leads her to the couch to sit before she falls. When she continues to tremble, he scoops her up and cuddles her in his lap.

"Sam, you're scaring me? What's wrong?"

"Jason, I love you so much," she sighs. "I need you the way I've never needed anyone in my life. You give me so much of yourself that I have to wonder if there's anything left for anyone."

"Sam, I love you too. You have all of me, heart and soul."

"That's what I was afraid of," she sighs, pushing away from him. She gets off his lap and goes upstairs, leaving him alone and confused for a few moments before he follows her.

Rage fills him when he sees her packing her bags.

"Sam! Stop this! What is this about? You're leaving because I tell you that I love you with everything in me?"

"That's exactly why," she cries. "I can't be responsible for taking you away from your child."

"Sam, you aren't. It's going to take some work, but I'm going to be a part of my child's life. I made sure Elizabeth understood that earlier today when I spoke with her."

"When you banished her from your life because of me?"

"Where are you getting this from?" His mood turns even darker, deadlier. "Did she speak with you again? Sam, I found out some of the things she has said to you before that were completely out of line. I made it clear to her that until she can at least respect your place in my life, then I don't want her coming around here."

"You can't just do that, Jason," she says as she continues to pack. "She's carrying your child. You can't put her out of your life because of me without also putting her child out of your life. And I won't be the reason your child doesn't have a father. So I have to go."

"Sam, that's not what happened," he insists, taking her clothes out as she puts them in. "And you're not walking out. Not like this. Not until you tell me what happened."

"I happened!" she screams. "Don't you get it? I'm in the way of everyone having a happy and healthy life. I'm in the way of your baby having a father. I'm in the way of my mother being able to heal herself. So I just have to get out of everybody's way."

She finally dissolves into tears, sinking to the floor when her legs will no longer support her.

"Leaving me will wreck me, Sam," he says to her, kneeling down behind her and wrapping his arms around her. "I love you so much that I can't live without you. If you left, then I'd just follow you."

"That's our selfishness talking. It's the baby that matters, Jason, not us. Not our wants or our desires."

"Sam," he whispers. "Just tell me what happened. Who put all these doubts in your head?"

She's reluctant to say anything, but realizes she won't be going anywhere until Jason lets her go. And he won't let her go until she tells him what happened.

"I ran into Nikolas while you were in Kelly's getting the coffee," she confesses. "He had just had an interesting conversation with Elizabeth and decided that convincing me to leave town would be best for everybody. He said it was selfish and unfair of me to make you choose between me and your child."

"Sam, that's not what happened," he swears.

"If it weren't for me, would you have told Elizabeth you couldn't see her anymore?"

"You're making it seem as if this wasn't my decision. Sam, this isn't just something I'm doing to spare your feelings. For the first time today, I saw a part of Elizabeth I had never seen before. And quite frankly, it scared me a little. She can't seem to grasp the fact that I love you, Sam. That I want to be with you. And that no matter what she says or does, I will always choose you."

"She wants you, Jason. She wants to be with you because she's in love with you."

"I don't think so," he says, shaking his head. "I agree that she wants to be with me, but I don't think she loves me. Because if she loved me, she wouldn't hurt the woman I truly love. If she cared at all about me, then she wouldn't try to push you from my life. I'm not giving into her, Sam. And that is the reason why she's not welcome here anymore. It's because of her, not you."

"You really think this will all work out?"

"Yeah," he smiles. "It's going to be hard and confusing and difficult. But I'd put money on us getting through this. Sam, I can get through anything as long as you're by my side."

He kisses her deeply, wanting to convince her of his love, but she only seems to close herself off even more. He has the sudden need to prove to her how much she means to him. He has a twinge of desperate fear that if he can't reach her now, he might not ever be able to.

"Let's get you unpacked. We have a lot of making up to do." He kisses the side of her neck, unnerved by, but trying to ignore, the clamminess of her skin. The pulse there seems erratic, almost panicked.

"Stay with me, Sam," he pleads, unable to keep the worry from his voice. His hands move to unbutton her shirt and when she stops him, his fears that something is very wrong become very real.

"Jason, this only solves half my problem. There's still the issue with Alexis. Elizabeth also told Nikolas about . . . what happened with Ric."

She winces. She can't even say the words anymore.

"You should have seen the way he looked at me," she says, sitting up and curling herself into a ball. "Like I was some filthy whore he has the misfortune of being related to. And it made me feel like I did when I woke up that next morning. Dirty. Ashamed. Worthless."

"Sam," he sighs, leaning over to kiss her forehead, unable to break through her self-imposed shell. "You made a mistake. I made a mistake. It's over now. Nikolas is wrong about you. And this yet more proof that I can't trust Elizabeth the way I thought I could."

He reaches out for her, but she retreats further into herself.

"Not right now, okay?" She gives him a pleading look, her haunted eyes full of self disgust. "I . . . I need a shower."

She flees from the room and locks herself in the bathroom. Her gut wrenching sobs can be heard all the way through the door and the sound breaks his heart. He doesn't know what to do for her except allow the sounds from his own aching heart to join hers in a symphony of grief.

When will the pain from that night ever end?

To be continued . . .