Chapter 4: Smells Like Team Spirit

Authors' note: When in morph, the Rangers will be referred to by their Ranger designation.

(The Rangers arrive at the scene, where Flourious's monster is attacking.)

Drive Red: (Mack) This has gone far enough, Flourious!

Flourious: Oh yeah? Who's gonna stop me?

Drive Red: (Poses) Drive Red!

Drive Black: (Will) (Poses) Drive Black!

Drive Blue: (Dax) (Poses) Drive Blue!

Drive Yellow: (Ronnie) (Poses) Drive Yellow!

Drive Pink: (Rose) (Poses) Drive Pink!

Drive Red/Black/Blue/Yellow/Pink: Operation Overdrive! (All of the Rangers do their final poses, and an explosion goes off behind them like it does whenever they complete their poses)

Flourious: So, a bunch of teenagers in spandex are supposed to stop me? Please! Go back to doing drugs and tormenting your parents.

Drive Red: No way, Flourious! This is a kid's show, and we always stay clean and obey our parents! Right, Rangers?

Drive Black/Yellow/Pink: Right!

Drive Blue: The weekends don't count, right?

Flourious: Let's cut the chatter. If you can defeat my monster, then you can have the jewel. (He dangles the jewel in front of the Rangers.) I'll just keep it safe right here. Alavertigo, attack! (Alavertigo, who is basically a giant nose on legs, steps forward.)

Alavertigo: You don't stand a chance against me, Rangers! With my superior nose, I can smell out your greatest weaknesses!

Drive Red: You're no different from the other arrogant bastards we already blew up! We'll fuck you over just as bad!

Alavertigo: Take your best shot, Rangers!

(The Rangers all take out their Drive Blasters and take a shot at Alavertigo, but their blasts don't affect him.)

Drive Red: It didn't even affect him!

Drive Black: Y'know, Mack, just because all of the Power Rangers before us have said completely obvious things in battle, it doesn't mean we have to!

Alavertigo: He's right, Red Ranger. You're gonna pay for that little quip!(Alavertigo fires a particularly strong blast at Mack, who flies into the air as the explosion goes off behind him)

Drive Red: Woaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Alavertigo: And now for you other Rangers! Let's take a whiff and find out what your greatest weaknesses are! (Alavertigo sends out and an energy whip that pins the other Rangers to the ground. He then goes to Will, puts his giant, grotesque nose on his chest and sniffs him invasively. )

Drive Black: Aggggggghhhhh!

Alavertigo: Ah-ha! Your greatest weakness is . . . your vanity!(Alavertigo then launches a snot rocket that envelopes Will, dissolving his energy binds.) And now you will succumb to your weakness!

Drive Black: (Looks at his spandexed body) Oh my gosh! I'm a fat, fucking hog! Look at this spare tire!

Drive Yellow: Will! Snap out of it!

Drive Pink: You and Mack are the only ones that aren't bound! You have to free us!

(Will is unable to hear them, as he is consumed with his perceived fatness. He continues to poke himself.)

Alavertigo: And now it's your turn, Yellow Ranger!

Drive Yellow: Stay away from me, you shit-fed pervert!

Alavertigo: Like that's gonna happen! (Alavertigo does a particularly nasty sniff along the length of Ronnie's body.) Oh, that smells good! And now for your weakness! (He fires the same snot rocket at Ronnie, nailing her in the chest!) Your greatest weakness is . . . fear of accidentally farting wet and soiling yourself!

Drive Yellow: Oh, no! I think I feel a fart coming on!

Drive Pink: You have to fight it, Ronnie! It's not real!

Drive Yellow: I can't shit myself in battle! I have to eat something to plug up my asshole! (Ronnie takes out her Drive Tracker) Drive Mixer, launch! (She initiates the launch code for Drive Mixer and within seconds it rolls up next to her.) Just in time! (She then positions herself under Drive Mixer and tries to eat the cement pouring out of it, but since she is morphed, it just gets all over her helmet.)

Alavertigo: Now for the blue knuckle-dragger! (He sniffs Dax, then backs up and fires his snot on him.) Your greatest weakness is . . . rational thought!

(Dax sits in the dirt, picks up a stick and starts writing a math equation. Every couple of seconds he would grunt, use a few colorful expletives, and then scratch out what he had written.)

Drive Blue: Why can't I do this right? Argh!

Drive Pink: Since when can you do anything right?

Drive Red: I guess it's up to me! (Mack, who has finally recovered from Alavertigo's last blast, runs in again. Alavertigo bitch slaps him and Mack goes flying.)

Alavertigo: Nice try, Red Ranger! Let's see what your weakness is! (He sniffs Mack from long-range and fires his gross as hell snot rocket at him. Mack takes it right in the chest.) Your greatest weakness is . . . Lactose!

Drive Red: Nice try, Alavertigo, but there's no lactose around here! You can't make me succumb to it!

Alavertigo: Oh, but can't I? (He pulls a milk cannon literally out of his ass and aims at Mack)

Drive Red: (Gasps) You fiend! I'll be farting all night!

Drive Black/Blue/Yellow/: (Suddenly snap out of their illusions when they hear that they are about to be faced with a situation in which Mack smells even worse.) NOOOOOOO!

Drive Pink: (Even louder than the rest) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Alavertigo: Sentai footage can't save you now! This one's all you! FIRE! (He fires the milk cannon and the blast impacts Mack, launching him into the air with a large explosion)

Drive Red: Woaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

(Mack falls to the ground and painfully demorphes. A triumphant Alavertigo closes in on his unprotected body, ready to finish him, when the stink wave hits.)

Alavertigo: You've reached your end, Ranger . . . wait a second, what's that smell?

Mack: That is the stench of justice! Something an evil being like you could never comprehend. It's my passion for doing what's right, propelled by my burning heart!

Drive Black: (Mutters) That ain't justice right there, and I don't think it's coming from his burning heart, neither.

Drive Blue: I can't believe it! Look at what's happening to Alavertigo!

(Alavertigo's nose, which pretty much comprises his entire body, begins to swell at Mack's stench.)

Alavertigo: This can't be happening to me! I'm Alavertigo! I don't have any weaknesses! NOOOOOO!

(Alavertigo becomes so swollen that he finally explodes)

Flourious: (Rolls his eyes) You piss-babies got lucky this time! Someday soon I will wear the Carona! (He teleports away, leaving the jewel behind.)

Drive Black: (Whispers to Drive Pink, who was freed when Alavertigo exploded.) Looks like the car fresheners didn't last long.

Drive Pink: No wonder. While he was in morph, they were probably ruminating in his suit.

Drive Yellow: Well, at least he didn't smell as bad. While they lasted.

Drive Black: (Sarcastically) Yeah, instead of smelling like a reeking, unsanitary warthog he just smelled like pine-scented ass.

Mack: (Oblivious to the conversation of the other Rangers) Well, we got the jewel. Let's take it back to the lab.

(The Rangers return to the lab and Mr. Hartford analyzes the jewel.)

Mr. Hartford: That's strange.

Rose: What is it?

Mr. Hartford: This isn't one of the jewels from the Carona Aroura. It's just a regular, run-of-the-mill, jewelry store gem.

Will: That doesn't make any sense. Why would Flourious lure us out there? I thought he was just after the jewels.

Mack: Don't you see? He was luring us out so that he could destroy us. That way he would be free to pursue the remaining jewels without anyone to stand in his way.

Rose: How do you know all that, Mack?

Mack: I read it on his MySpace page.

Ronnie: (Shocked) He has a MySpace page?

Will: What a fucking dumbass. You'd think he was trying to make it easy for us.

(Meanwhile, in Flourious's lair . . .)

Norg: Uh, Flourious, Sire?

Flourious: What do you want, you waste of meat?

Norg: Why do we have to keep attacking the Rangers like this? Wouldn't it just be easier to drop a nuclear missile on Hartford's house?

Flourious: No, dumbass. This is a kid's show. That would make it too easy for us.

Norg: I thought this was a fanfic.

Flourious: It doesn't matter what this is! Shut up and leave my sight while I devise a plan to get rid of the Rangers.

Norg: How do I know you're really going to work on a plan to get rid of the Rangers and not working on your MySpace page?

Flourious: That's none of you fucking business!

Norg: Whatever, MySpace whore.

Flourious: That does it! (He binds the damn useless sasquash to an icicle and lights his testicals on fire.)

(Back in the Hartford's basement . . .)

Mr. Hartford: Listen, you guys have had a long day in battle, and I think you've earned some down time. So, I've arranged for all of you to visit my private sauna!

Will/Dax/Ronnie/Rose: WHAT?!

Mack: This is so awesome! I'm gonna get my sauna stuff! (Mack runs upstairs)

Rose: Mr. Hartford, please tell me there are separate steam rooms!

Mr. Hartford: And how would that be funny for me?

Will: Why are you doing this to us?

Mr. Hartford: Well, I figured that if you guys got sick of Mack reeking up the team, you would put pressure on him to bathe, thus increasing my chances of winning the bet.

Rose: You can't be serious!

Mack: (Comes back) Hey, guys! Let's go!

(Mack drags the other Rangers off, and Mr. Hartford stifles his laughter.)

In the Hartford private sauna . . .

(Mack is the only one enjoying the sauna. He is relaxing while the other Rangers desperately huddle in a corner, trying to avoid his stench)

Will: This is so nasty!

Dax: I guess Mr. Hartford was right when he said Mack smelled like cottage cheese in a sauna!

(Suddenly, the Rangers hear a slurping noise. They turn to see Mack, eating cottage cheese and sipping Coke.)

Rose: Mack, what are you doing?

Mack: I'm eating cottage cheese. I like to eat cottage cheese after a long day.

Dax: But I thought you were lactose intolerant.

Mack: Yeah, I just eat it and accept the consequences. (Mack lets out a long fart)

(The other Rangers hold their noses and duck for cover.)

Will: Oh, that's just magical!

Rose: Mack, what is that in your cottage cheese?

Mack: Garlic. (He takes a swig of his Coke, then lets out a massive burp that shakes the entire sauna.)

Dax: That's foul!

Will: Get me out of here!

(The Rangers start pounding on the sauna doors, but it's locked)

Rose: Somebody electromagnetically locked the doors!

Will: But who would do that?

(Meanwhile, upstairs, Mr. Hartford is watching everything going on in the sauna on one of his screens. He cackles wildly, nearly pissing himself with laughter.)

Back in the sauna . . .

Will: Y'know, I don't think it's really that smart to eat dairy products in the sauna, Mack.

Mack: I don't feel so good. (Suddenly, Mack pukes all over the rocks, and the chamber fills with steam.)

Will/Dax/Ronnie/Rose: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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