Wow guys! Stunned by the response to this - you lot love your slash don't ya! Um, I'm still teasing you a little in this chappie. Snogging coming up, I promise. It's written, I swear. :-)
Chapter Four
The silence was deafening after Sirius' statement, and all the breath left the dark haired boys lungs. He stepped back dropping Remus' hands, shocked that he'd actually said it out loud - while he was sober.
'Wow,' he thought, realising he hadn't really believed it himself until now. 'I really do like guys.'
Remus looked as stunned as he felt and Sirius saw him frown.
'You like guys?' Remus said, disbelievingly and Sirius nodded haltingly. 'Then why do you stalk anything in a skirt?'
'I…I like girls too,' he muttered, walking past Remus and sitting down on the edge of the nearest bed.
Remus stared at him, trying to work out if he was teasing or not. One look at Sirius' face told him he was serious. He looked shaky, almost scared - an expression he'd never seen on his friends' face before.
'When…um, how…?' Remus stuttered but Sirius interrupted, knowing what he wanted.
'I've known for a couple of months,' he said, his voice so low Remus could barely hear him. He moved closer, sitting on the bed next to him, ensuring they weren't touching. 'I don't think I'd really accepted it though until just now.'
'Are you sure?' Remus asked. 'That you're…bisexual? I mean…it's not unusual to have a crush on someone of the same sex - it doesn't always mean you're…'
'Are you certain you're gay?' Sirius retorted, looking at him with a raised eyebrow. 'How do you know it's not just a phase?'
Remus smiled and nodded his head, accepting the rebuke. 'You're right,' he said softly. 'Sorry. I didn't mean to sound patronising. You…you're always after the girls though…'
'I still like girls,' he said insistently. 'I just…found myself thinking about other guys…in that way as well.'
Remus bit his lip, staring down at the floor. Sirius' confession had blown him away, but, although this did explain his friends' mood of late, the declaration still hadn't enlightened Remus as to why he'd been so distant with him, unless…
'You don't think it's my fault or something, do you?' he asked, making Sirius look up at him, puzzled. 'Like I…turned you or something? Because I've always been gay, Pads, you just didn't always know it...'
To his surprise, Sirius flushed a bright red and looked at his hands in his lap. 'No,' he whispered. 'I don't blame you. I think maybe knowing you could come out and be brave about it…perhaps that made my own inclinations…come out of hiding or something.'
'Inclinations?' Remus chuckled and Sirius couldn't help his own laugh.
'Well, I'm not sure what to call this,' he muttered, pulling at his shirt. 'I'm new to this fancying blokes thing.'
'Yeah,' Remus murmured then their amusement faded, both staring at their feet.
There were long moments of silence then Remus said quietly, 'It took a long time for me to accept it. I knew…years ago. But I just kept thinking that my lack of interest in girls was because I was too young; that when the hormones kicked in, I'd be just like all of you.'
He let out a breath of laughter. 'Well, the hormones kicked in alright, but I still didn't like girls.'
Sirius smiled and glanced over at Remus. His hair had fallen down into his eyes and he felt the urge to reach over and brush it out of the way so he could see Remus' face properly. The irony wasn't lost on him - this was exactly why he kept his own hair long - so girls would want to do to him what he just had the desire to do to Remus.
He clenched his fists to stop himself and looked away hastily when the werewolf's head twisted towards him.
'So, what was your light bulb moment?' he asked and Sirius frowned.
'My what?' he said with a bark like laugh.
'What made you realise you liked guys?' Remus asked with a grin. 'Or was it a who?'
Sirius felt himself tense up and he shook his head. 'Don't know,' he mumbled with a frown and Remus' smile wavered as he realised his teasing had struck unexpected gold.
'You like someone?' he said a little shakily, feeling a sharp pain in his chest.
'It's…nothing,' Sirius said quickly, face almost glowing at this point. 'Just a…crush or something. It's nothing.'
'Who?' Remus asked, voice breaking a little as he felt his heart crack.
This was supposed to just be a crush that he had on his friend. It wasn't supposed to hurt like this to think of him with someone else.
Sirius shook his head and stood up, Remus quickly copying him. 'Pads,' he said, grabbing his hand.
Sirius felt heat shoot up his arm and yanked it out of Remus' grasp. 'Don't,' he said faintly, a little overwhelmed by the sensations coursing through him.
The brown haired boy looked offended and stepped back. 'I wasn't coming onto you,' he said defensively. 'God, is this what it's going to be like? If I touch you, you're going to think I'm hitting on you or something?'
'No,' Sirius told him. 'No. It's not like that, Moony.'
'Then what is it like, Pads?' he snapped, frowning at him. 'Look, the fact you're just realising you're bi explains why you've been so moody but it doesn't justify you shutting me out. You said you didn't think it was my fault so I would have thought you'd want to talk to me about it. I'm probably the only one you know that has any idea of what you're feeling.'
'I can't talk to you about this,' he said and tried to blink away his sudden tears. Remus saw and wanted to hug him.
'Pads,' he said softly, unable to stop himself reaching out for his friend. He put a hand tentatively on his shoulder and, this time, Sirius didn't pull away.
'You can tell me anything,' he said gently, his eyes pleading with the dark haired boy to talk to him. 'I won't judge you.'
'I can't tell you this,' Sirius whispered then bit his lip.
'Don't you trust me?' Remus asked, and Sirius could hear the hurt in his voice. He looked at him and saw that pain reflected in his eyes. His hand slipped away from Sirius' shoulder and he made a grab for it.
'Remus, I do,' he said, taking the other boys' hand. 'I do. I…' He stopped, shaking his head. 'I…can't tell you who it is.'
Remus frowned. 'Do I know him?' he asked then, when Sirius nodded, he thought he'd guessed.
'Oh, Pads,' he whispered. 'It's not James, is it?'
Sirius looked at Remus' pained face and did the last thing he'd expected he'd do. He laughed.
'James?' he said, with a giggle ('God, a giggle?'). 'No, Moony. I don't have the hots for James Potter. In fact, there is almost no one in the world I would rather see strung up next to that bloody mistletoe right now.'
His words broke the tension and Remus laughed. 'So, not James then,' he said and Sirius shook his head.
'God, don't tell me it's Peter!' Remus said in mock horror and Sirius screwed up his face.
'Come on, Moony,' he complained. 'I might be new to this fancying blokes thing but I've got better taste than that.'
Remus grinned and felt Sirius squeeze his hand. It was oddly comforting - feeling Sirius' hand around his, and he hoped he wouldn't let go.
'You're really not going to tell me?' he asked and Sirius cocked his head to the side in a very dog like way.
'Are you going to tell me about the guys you like?' he asked and Remus flushed.
'There is no one,' he said, turning away but Sirius held fast to his hand.
'Liar,' he said, seeing the truth in Remus' eyes. 'You don't like Peter, do you?'
Remus smiled, a little weakly, but shook his head. Sirius frowned then led him over to the bed, not wanting to let go of his friend's hand. They sat down.
'But you've been…with guys?' Sirius asked, ignoring the knot of envy in his gut. 'There must be someone special.'
'I haven't been with guys,' Remus told him. 'I haven't been with a guy yet. In any way.'
Sirius blinked, surprised. 'You haven't?' he said and Remus shrugged.
'It's not easy, Pads,' he said, trying to keep his tone light as he joked. 'I don't tend to get a big response when I go to the local cruising spot and introduce myself as a gay werewolf.'
'Remus, you're a good looking guy,' Sirius insisted. 'You must have blokes after you.'
'Not now I've got you for competition,' he said with a forced smile, looking into the beautiful grey eyes he saw in his dreams. 'I don't think I'm in your league, Pads.'
Sirius felt a shiver run down his spine and his breathing got a little heavy. 'Remus…you're…,' he began shakily, staring at the boy he thought was simply heaven. 'You are…'
His mouth opened but he couldn't get the words past his trembling lips.
'I know what I am, Sirius,' Remus said softly, looking at his speechless friend. 'And I'm very aware of what I'm not, and I'm not…handsome or anything. Not like you or James. I'm damaged. I'm scarred.'
'You aren't damaged,' Sirius frowned. 'You are amazing, Remus, and I…'
He wished he could use words to express himself like Moony could but instead he fell back onto what he knew - actions.
He leaned closer to Remus who's face registered surprise before Sirius' lips met his.
