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Chapter 4 – Chasing Shadows
"Why is he unresponsive?" Frigga asked.
"He has fallen into memory, my lady." Eir answered as she lightly tapped Loki's cheek. Nothing. The young god sat there with his emerald eyes still glazed in memory.
"Can you not wake him, Eir?" Odin voiced.
"We must wait for him to return to himself, All-Father." She smoothly replied. "Forcing him to respond would be dangerous. We do not know what he sees, and waking him into consciousness will only worsen his response to us."
"Can he hear us?" Thor questioned.
"I cannot say."
Eir lowered her gaze.
She couldn't find anything physically wrong with Loki. Apart from the half-healed wounds and scars, there was nothing else present. Loki's mind, however, was beyond Eir's capability to understand, making her task of assessing Loki's condition, all the more difficult.
Wrapped tightly in a blanket, Loki was lowered to the bed.
"Loki is not well." Eir reminded them. "Despite his liberation, his mind is still highly sensitive to all that goes around him. This temporary peace… it cannot remain."
"Is there anything we can do?" Thor asked.
Loki was so unresponsive, so dead to the world, that anyone could tell he was volatile. Thor thought he could fool himself into thinking all was well, and that things would be easy, but they just weren't.
Nothing about Loki was easy.
"Comfort him." Eir advised. "He will need it."
"Will he not panic?"
"My prince, his state of being isn't as defective to warrant such worry. I would let this state of senselessness pass. When he snaps from memory, I advise some sleeping draughts to put him in a dreamless state. It will help, if but a little."
"And that will fix things?"
"It will abate the storm of his emotions, but it cannot fully eradicate what is there."
"Do you sense anything else wrong with him?" Frigga wondered.
Eir frowned, "Apart from his demons, I cannot pass the barriers of his mind. He shields such traumatic memories away that even I cannot help."
When all was said, Odin sighed.
"Thank you Eir." He closed his eye. "You may go with our gratitude."
Eir curtsied and quickly made to the door. Frigga closed her eyes as she felt the agony of helplessness surround her. Only her husbands' embrace gave her small comfort as they stood in silence, unable to help their poor little boy.
Thor, on the other hand, felt rage.
The incident had come out of nowhere, reminding Thor of his inattentiveness and how unpredictable everything was. He was no god, to control the happenings of the world. He was just another pawn in the large scheme of verisimilitude, and it was this low blow to his gut that angered him.
"My brother," Thor despaired as he sat by the edge of the bed. "Forgive me."
"It's not your fault, Thor." Frigga assured.
"I thought myself wiser." He declared. "Only now do I realize I am nowhere close. I should have monitored him. I should have realized his independence did not warrant his recovery. There were so many things I could've done to help."
"You couldn't have predicted the outcome." Odin said.
"But we should have." Thor weakly laughed. "We knew what was wrong with him. We should have been prepared."
He mourned, throwing himself insults for adding more pain to his brother's wounds. He pushed back a stray hair on Loki's forehead and watched the uneven, almost panicked breathing of his brother.
"What goes on in your mind, Loki?" He asked. "What do you see?"
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"You fear me," Thor grimaced. "You suffer and hurt."
Loki covered his ears.
"You know that wouldn't work." His stoical dark voice echoed eerily. "You're in pain and I understand that. You know death is close but she would not accept you. Your love for most or love for many… is never returned— just enveloped in loneliness and regret."
"Why are you so cruel?" Loki whimpered.
"Because you finally need to see the truth…"
"I don't need the truth."
Loki blinked, trying to shut away the memories that invaded him. He could feel calloused hands touching his face, grazing over his skin like fire. He heard a familiar voice echoing in his ears. It was so concerned for him.
It was sweet, but not enough to pull him away.
He trembled.
"Your heart belongs to me, Loki." He chuckled. "You know you are nothing without me."
"I am—" Loki embraced himself tighter. "I'm…"
"Say it."
"I'm not…"
"Forget it," Thor sneered. "You're pathetic."
He was pulled away again and the memory vanished, and all Loki could see was Thor's face right up his. He held his breath, unable to utter words that would help him avoid the bitter truth. But he was stuck, and the heavy hands upon his arms made it all the more unpleasant.
"Loki?" Thor's soothing voice called.
He couldn't reply.
All Loki could do, was stare at those deep blue eyes.
"Can you hear me, brother?" Thor smiled. "You are safe, I promise you that. I'm just helping you get dressed, that's all."
Loki watched, with fascination and fear, mingling into one. He kept his eyes glued to those deep blue eyes. He wanted to see the deception, the horror, and malice that flowed through them. He wanted to see the righteous fury…
But there wasn't any.
Only serene, patient, and guilty looking eyes sought him out every now and then. And it made Loki wonder whether he had been trapped in endless torment, unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality, or whether he'd been free of such deception and allowed his moment of bliss from this sick world.
Loki remembered taking a bath, but that was it.
All other memories of afterward were of fleeting voices and blurred images, and only the blind abomination of what Loki perceived of love remained. Not-Thor, he remembered. He was the nightmare, and this Thor, standing before him, was real.
His addled brain fought to remember that.
"Thor?" Loki called.
"Yes?" Thor walked forward, and held his hand tight.
Warm.
Loki looked down and eyed their now entwined fingers. So warm, he observed. He looked up to see Thor, patiently waiting. He was real, he reminded himself. Just when his lips curled to form a smile, Loki felt a tug in the back of his mind, trying to snatch him from reality.
"Don't let me fall." Loki begged.
He knew it was impossible for him not to. He couldn't hear Thor's voice as darkness enveloped him once more, yet before it consumed him, Loki saw Thor's lips move to what he perceived was the answer, "I won't."
But Loki was far too gone to answer back.
"Did I not tell you I would return?"
"You're not him." Loki mumbled. "You're not Thor."
"I love your denial, honestly."
"It's not denial." He growled, digging his nails into his wrists. "You're a figment dependent on my Seidr— an extension— an expanded illusion warping my reality."
"You've thought this through." Thor glowered.
He woke again, this time, to the gentle hum of a beautiful lady sitting beside his bed. She looked like she was glowing as the moonlight struck her lovely hair and face, and the fire from the brazier set her form ablaze in grandeur and charm.
"Mother," Loki whispered.
She stopped what she was doing.
Her midnight blue eyes widened in shock and worry, but it never diminished her angel-like beauty. The book she was reading was now forgotten on the floor. With no care for dignity or pride, she knelt beside him and caressed his cheek.
"Oh, my sweet child."
"You're crying."
"Foolish boy," Frigga chuckled. "This is but the love of a mother for her sweet, courageous little boy. I'm glad you're awake, darling. You've been so strong."
"Not strong enough."
He didn't tell her anything, despite her inquiries. He wanted the moment of bliss to override the horror of his predicament. If only it were so simple. If only she could help. But she couldn't. None of them can.
If he had no answer, why would they?
"Are you hungry?" Frigga asked. "I could send for someone."
"No." His voice cracked. "Stay."
So she did.
She sat by the edge, leaning on the headboard, cradling Loki's head on her lap. She sang her sweet melodies, told him stories of their dramatic adventures, and described the humorous gossips in his absence.
Loki smiled, knowing this consciousness of his wouldn't last.
He dared not look up, for he knew his mother was still crying. Her voice cracked many times, lowering, but gaining confidence the next. He needed her, but he didn't want her to get involved in so pathetic a creature.
Her time was better spent elsewhere.
Yet she stayed, until he had fallen back into the shadow.
"Excuses, Loki."
"But—"
"What does your heart see?" Thor asked, distracting him.
"Nothing but lies..."
Loki woke to hushed voices.
He recognized them immediately. It was Odin and Thor, whispering to one another in hushed angry tones. Loki felt so sick. He dared not open his eyes. What was the point when he was to be swallowed in blackness when this was through?
"Reinstate him." Thor hissed.
"I cannot do that." Odin hesitated. "It is too soon."
"It is the only way to ensure his safety." He argued. "Reinstate him to his former position. Loki was once a prince of Asgard, he can be so again. People fear authority. I know we cannot abuse that, but surely for Loki we can. He has been through enough."
"Lower your voice, boy."
"Why, is it because you do not want others to hear of the shame you feel from this family?"
"When have you taken a liking to twisting my words?"
"When you have abandoned your duty as a father!"
Thor knew just where to strike a heavy blow. It nearly sent Odin back, and the silence was thick enough to cut. Loki feared the worst. Thor, his beloved older brother, defending him from the one he used to seek attention from.
His sweet, beloved brother…
Loki clenched the sheets in pain. His tears threatened to escape the confines of his closed eyes, and whimper of anguish fled from his lips.
"Loki?" Thor called.
He felt strong arms lift him to sit, and Loki allowed it. The warmth of Thor's arms were more than welcome as he was embraced into safety. He despaired even more, as he cried in his brother's arms.
"Hush now, Loki." Thor tightened his hold. "You are safe."
"So you have said so many times," Loki cried.
When Loki calmed, Thor and Odin resumed their conversation as if his interruption had never happened, but Thor remained where he was, like a shield defending its owner. Loki heard and felt Thor's heartbeat drumming in his ears.
Sweet, sweet, Thor.
"What you suggest, boy," Odin began. "Will not go in everyone's favor."
"When has it ever?" Thor chuckled darkly.
"This will not end all of his torments." He announced. "They will come after him, no matter what guards you place, what authority you instill, and whatever attachment of safety you provide. This… this is beyond our hands."
"Then I no longer need your help."
"Thor."
"If you would allow us some silence."
The clank of Gungnir grazing the floor gave an eerie chill to them as Odin exited the room. When the silence continued, Loki's breathing came uneven. Thor rocked them gently, whispering solid comforting words to his ears.
"You must fight, brother."
"I can't." Loki despaired. "I'm tired."
"I know you are." Thor choked. "But you must fight."
He tried.
"Am I bothering you?" Thor purred.
"YES!" Loki shouted. "YES! Yes! You are—"
Thor watched in amusement.
"Why—" Loki broke off as sobs took over him. "Why can you not leave me alone?!" He cried as his panic intensified. "I've had enough of you… c-can't you understand t-that? Why can you not leave me in peace? Please… p-please… stop."
The dead humming continued.
"Please stop," Loki croaked.
"Make me."
Loki fought hard and long to regain consciousness.
He won himself some time and snapped back to reality and decided that sitting in Thor's room would only worsen his condition. He told Thor he had to do something or be elsewhere, and although reluctant, Thor agreed.
They sat together on the settee in the garden overlooking Asgard.
It was beautiful and peaceful.
Yet Loki saw none of it.
Instead, his focus was on Thor, and while his brother played at being absent minded, ignoring his long stares, Loki memorized every bit of him. He compared him to Not-Thor, and the difference was blaringly obvious.
Where Thor had soft lines and a smile that could melt, Not-Thor had hard-edges that could pierce and a smile so sharp, it can make you bleed.
Trapped in observation, the world shifted around him. Where once was a beautiful garden, and a great overlooking view, was now a barren, white cage. There Thor still sat, but his gaze was in pure agony.
And in the silence, Loki heard himself speak.
"You left." Loki worded. "You're not real."
"I am real." Thor assured. "You can feel my touch, you can feel my warmth. Why do you think I am not here? I will never leave you— not again— not ever."
"Are you well, brother?" Thor asked.
Loki blinked.
What was that?
"Are you well, brother?" Thor repeated. "You were staring."
"Forgive me, but I am fine."
"Liar."
Loki clenched his fists on his lap. He momentarily closed his eyes as he felt the memories slip by his guard and was merging with his reality. He couldn't let that happen. It was too much. He wouldn't survive long like this.
"Do not worry, brother." Thor voiced. "It will be well."
Loki looked at him, but he saw something else. "You are my brother, and I will always love you." The memory said, and Loki could hear his bitter rebuke of "Deceiver…" pass his lips. Loki jolted from it as he saw Thor's hand tightly wrapped in his.
"Thor?"
Thor closed his eyes, gathering up some courage. Loki could tell what was coming. He had been waiting for this moment. He had predicted this. Mostly because his brother was predictable, not like the opposite being that plagued his dreams.
"Loki, I must know."
He looked and met those deep blue eyes.
"These moments of inattentiveness— unconsciousness even…" Thor swallowed. "Do you… I… you do not seem at all… alerted to them. Do— I do not want you to think me without sympathy— but, do you know?"
"I know." Loki answered. "There's nothing you can do."
"Are you sure?"
"It passes."
"But it always returns."
"I will be fine."
"I am worried, Loki."
"Worry less." Loki tiredly smiled. "Guilt does not suit you, Thor."
The soft breeze was enough to convince Loki of the joy of being in control, but he knew it was a seldom occurrence. He was plagued with this sickness, of relieving his worst fears. Maybe it was the Norns' punishment for his existence, who knows?
"Is there truly no way around it?" Thor asked. "These memories—"
"Are just that— memories."
"Yet they harm you."
"They always will." Loki answered. "Because I always remember."
With that, the shadows swallowed him once more.
"Thor?"
"Yes, Loki." He answered. "It is me. I am here to take you home."
"I don't have a home." Loki bitterly said. "Enough lying to me. This is my home. It has always been my home."
"A prison is no home."
"Neither is the mind," He countered. "Why was I left here? Where were you? Where did you go? Why did you leave me? You told me you would not return, but you did, then you didn't, and no you are here again. I cannot understand you. You make no sense."
"You make no sense, Loki."
"I do not want you anymore."
"What?"
"Y-you heard me." Loki whispered. "I have… I have moved on. I do not need you anymore. Thor left me… and you are not him. Y-you thought I would not notice?" He chuckled as he stared at Thor. "You are not him."
"I am Thor."
"Thor hates me."
"I do not."
"He insults me, watches me get hurt, and laughs at my mistakes." Loki happily enumerated. "His voice is deeper, harsher and fluid. He is like a ghost, cold and barren. You are not like that. You are not him."
"Loki, please!"
There was only one way to save them from this ongoing torrent, because Loki knew there wasn't any cure to such madness. He was lost, and nothing would ever be the same again. They had to stop their pity, or what actions they think follow love.
Loki had made his decision.
He had to push Thor away.
He remembered why he had turned into this pitiful creature in the first place. The brother he loved more than anyone in the world was the cause of his destruction, and Loki would use that against him, if only to save them from this disgusting continuity.
With every ounce of strength he could muster, Loki retaliated.
"Enough!" Loki yelled.
"Brother, please." Thor dodged a weakly thrown book at his way. "We will fix this!"
"What hope is there?! Why do you continue this perverted sense of trial and error?! There's nothing for you to gain with my recovery!"
"Yes there is!" Thor declared. "My brother!"
Loki felt rage at the declaration, all because of how it was interpreted. Thor thought to gain his brother, but he was not Thor's brother. How could he be? He was a pitiful creature incapable of independence, and Thor's brother was not that creature. He used to be a prince with dignity, now he was lower than trash itself.
"He's dead." Loki gritted his teeth.
"What?"
"He died!" He yelled in panic. "Why can you not accept that?!"
"What are you talking about, Loki?"
Thor dodged as more books came his way. He allowed Loki some space, and let him chuck objects at him. His brother needed to vent, and if this was one way to do that without causing Loki injury, Thor would comply.
He was just glad that Heimdall had enough faith in him to stop the situation before it escalated into calling his parents for help.
"Brother, please, calm yourself!"
"I hate you." Loki slackened, almost collapsing backwards. "I hate you!"
"You must be patient."
"I'm not some toy to be fixed!" He cried, tears angrily rolling down his cheeks. "I'm not a plaything that's damaged and repaired! I'm Loki! I am no one's brother! No one's object of use! I AM LOKI!"
"I know." Thor whispered.
"What do you know? You've never experienced anything like this. You've never gone mad. You've never experienced the torment of being aware that you have no control over your actions. You know nothing!"
"Then tell me. You know I will listen."
"Listening isn't enough!" He threw one last book and sank to the ground. "I'm not your brother!"
"Don't say that, Loki."
"I'm not! I never was! Not now! Not ever!" He hid his face behind shaking his hands and sobbed in anguish. "You're chasing a shadow, Thor. You'll never catch him. That boy is gone. Your brother is gone. And THIS is what's left of him! Can you not accept that?!"
Thor stood silent, mouth gaping.
"None of you can understand."
"My brother is not gone." Thor knelt down. "He's still here."
"Liar."
"He's still fighting."
"Deceiver."
"My little brother lives."
"Are you that much of a fool?!" Loki hissed. "Stop this!"
"Yes, I am a fool."
Thor pulled him into an embrace, and Loki wept. It took a few moments before Loki realized what his intentions were and it was not this. He tried to push Thor away, but he was so very weak and tired. He could do nothing but scratch.
"Release me!"
"I know what you're trying to do, brother."
Loki froze.
"You think to push me away with harsh words that give off a semblance of truth, but I know better than to listen to that." Thor's mellow voice sounded in his ears, causing Loki to lean into his touch. "I may not be so wise, but I know the graveness of torrent and loose words. You seek to untangle me in your problems, but I will fight."
"No." Loki wept.
"For you, I will do everything I can."
"You'll fail."
"Then I will try again." Thor cupped his face. "But youmust fight."
"I will fail."
"Then I will fail with you, and we will try again. I only ask that you fight and let me help you. We will do this together. We will overcome this. You know there is no force that could stop us. Remember that."
"Sentimental fool," He cried harder.
In the darkness of the room, through the shadows in each corner, the temptation crawled. As Loki wept on Thor's shoulder, the memory surfaced, and Loki saw movement. He clung to his brother. If Thor was there, he would never be alone.
But alas, even small comforts were easily forgotten when the object of temptation stepped out of the light with a devilish grin.
There, he stood, arms welcoming him as he purred in delight.
"I am here." Thor turned his attention to him. "Remember, you must fight."
"I will," Loki sobbed. "I will fight."
He had to.
If only to destroy what wasn't supposed to be there. He will fight, and he will win. Yet, despite his boost in courage, it didn't alleviate his fears. When Not-Thor disappeared from the corner, it still left an eerie chill upon his spine, but he allowed the soothing voice of Thor to calm him into submission.
They will pull through together.
They will fight.
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