Still don't own anything but my 8-track tapes of ABBA!

When we last left our hero's in the small town of Frostbite Falls... Squirrel and Moose had just foiled another dastardly plan of… huh what?  Oh, yes I know that's the wrong script but it has been my dream to be the announcer for the Rocky and Bullwinkle show.  But, no, I got this job in a stupid second-rate fic… Fine, I'll do it your way:

Last time we left our hero's at GroupieLiterature.net, they were desperately trying to finds something to appease the Golden Gates.  Quick thinking, plus a large poster on the wall stating "Quistis Rulz", led them to believe that Quistis could communicate with the employee's.

They did speak Trepie after all. 

Squall was scared, very, very scared.  Never in his life was he more afraid of a secret to be revealed.  Yes, he sat over in the corner nervously.  What if Rinoa found out?  Yes, "Hotter than Ifrit" was the number one rated author of adult fanfiction anywhere.  Such classics as "Shiva Does Balamb" and the holiday classic "It's a SeeDy Life" could get the dear commander into much trouble… he did have a habit of letting personal experience make in on the page, Rinoa would know for sure! Um… maybe.

Zell and Rinoa still worked on the computer, pulling colored wires here and there.  Nothing worked.  They needed an Audio Visual Geek in here for sure. (Author Note: I was the President of our A/V club! Go slide projectors!)  Gee, they needed someone here quick who could speak the international language of computer people everywhere, binary.

Suddenly a huge scream echoed throughout the building. They had heard that scream only one time before, when Quistis found out that New Kids on the Block were breaking up.  Yes, it was that bad.  The three quickly ran out of, well let's just call it "the red-dot room" for lack of being creative.  What they saw totally amazed them; Quistis was keeping the Trepies back with the use of her whip.  However, she was far out numbered.  This was in fact a community college town; with seventeen different places, one could get a computer degree in within 3 months. 

The odds where against her.

Rinoa yelled to Squall (Who still was attempting to hide all his files) to save Quistis.  Squall looked at the computer, then at Quistis, then the computer, then at Quistis, well this went on a good 60 seconds before he finally decided to go save the instructor.

Rinoa yelled, "Squall use your gunblade and save her!" 

Squall only shook his head, "Um… Rinny security would not let me bring it in.  But, they gave me this lovely summer sausage and a cheese log!  I feel like its Christmas now I just want Seifer in an elf suit! Um… that didn't sound right did it?  I want Seifer to be forced to wear an elf suit and… oh just forget it."

Rinoa shook her head; Squall could sometimes be such a goober.

The sorceress knew they had no weapons, this needed desperate measures.  No, not that drastic… you perverts! Standing up on the nearest desk, she whispered to the men, "Okay you two cover me…"

With that, she started yelling at the top of her lungs, "Bill Gates is a moron!"

It worked suddenly the room grew very quite nobody moved.  Rinoa knew she had to get them over to her, "And Windows XP is slower then Tonberry running a marathon!  The XboX is a cheap imitation of the PS2! MSN is fifty times slower than AOL – and we all know how much AOL SUX. And Macintosh Computers RULZ!" 

The room turned uglier then Adel in a string thong bikini, and believe me that was saying a lot.

Rinoa jumped off the desk, standing between the two men.  Who were both still a little miffed about the Tonberry comment, Tonberry could kick butt in a marathon!  You should see that little guy after a cup of coffee – tell him there is a blue light sale at K-Mart and eat his dust!  The crowd started walking toward them with caution, like Cactuar at a salad bar.  Squall looked over at Rinoa, a hint of something in his eye.  Yes, I think it was cheese?  What had he been doing while she was talking to these people? 

Wiping the cheddar out of his eye he, like the commander he was, yelled, "Run for it – the nerds are coming!" 

The four managed to make it back to Zell's red-dot room, slamming the door behind them.

"Hyne what are we going to do!" gasped poor Zell. 

Like an answer from the second-rate fanfiction god he/she/it is, a bright flash appeared evoking everything around.  Slowly the door opened… to reveal something dreadful, something horrible, and something from a second-rate (Yet wonderfully done!) classic cartoon of the late sixties.  It was Peabody and his boy Sherman. 

"We have arrived in our way-back machine to fix this mess!"

"Great," Squall said, "We can go back so this never happens, then I'll never have to leave needlepoint class!  Watch out Be-Dazzler bead machine, as seen on television, here comes Squall!  You shall be mine for only four easy payments!"

Peabody shook his little doggy head, "No Miss… um mister I'm sorry.  The writer only had enough Gil to send me back to this point. I don't do charity work; well there was that one Pauly Shore movie innocent, but I learned my lesson with his next motion picture "Jury Duty". Therefore, I just need to tell you how to change things from here.  Basically all I can say to change the future is don't let Zell kiss a behemoth in a sequined dress.  I have nothing else to add."

Rinoa questioned the wise canine, "A behemoth wouldn't look good in sequins, and would it make its thighs way to big?  Velvet, I see velvet much more flattering." 

The others turned and looked at her with confusion.  She continued, "Hey I wanted to go to fashion school but the rebel-group-princess thing had better life insurance plus a free membership to Sam's Club. So what happens if he does kiss said behemoth?"

Zell attempted to attack Rinoa for statement of him actually wanting to kiss a behemoth.  She looked back at him, "Come on Zell you could do worse."

He thought about for a minute, smiled, and then agreed.

Sherman held out his little portable television set,   "Well there are a lot of things that change in the future. Pepsi and Coke combine to form "Poke", Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles VI wins best picture of the year at the Oscars and let's just say that NBC's Thursday night line-up is replaced by three hours of Murder she Wrote and that's the best part of the scenario."

The three cringed, except for Zell who added, "Hey, I think Angela Lansburry is kinda hot!" 

This time even the dog cringed.   Yes, Zell the behemoth is looking better!

With the disappearance of the Sherman and Peabody, and subsequent autograph and photo opportunity. The four were left to ponder the meaning of life, or at least to ponder the meaning of GroupieLiturature.net. Quistis listened to the whole story carefully, taking mental note not to let Zell anywhere around her new top-of-the-line Techno Dog.  A gift from Seifer, after losing in a heated battle of Pictionary with Rinoa and Squall. 

"So, people write things and post them here?" Quistis inquired.

"Yes!" exclaimed Zell, "why do I always have to repeat myself?"

Quistis thought for another moment, "Well, I was doing okay with the story until the Gary Coleman incident.  What you talkin' about Zell? (Okay like nobody knew that was coming in here somewhere, geesh!) Why would 80's child star Gary Coleman televisions Arnold Jackson want to destroy this place?  I mean that cute guy couldn't hurt a flea or Nida whichever you find more pathetic!"

Squall pointed to the computer that remained smashed while starting to sing the theme song from different strokes.  Before you know all four of them where singing, it is a catching little tune.

Now the world don't turn to the beat of just one drum what might be right for you may not be right for some… Well you get it. Author must take break to sing and dance to rest of song.  Dance, dance, high kick, dance, moonwalk….okay done.

Cooler heads then prevailed as a knock sounded on the door, "Help guys… its Selphie and Irvine quick let us in.  We distracted them by un-alphabetizing their system recover disks."

The others let the cowboy and his sidekick in the small, now over crowded, room.  Yes, since the two had been dating they had been known as The Lone Ranger and his trusty sidekick Robin.  Okay people at Garden were not the brightest… *cough* Xu *cough*. 

"Wow, the home of GroupieLiterature.net!" exclaimed Selphie.  "I write for this place… my stories on Sponge Bob Square Pants can't be beat!"

Irvine rolled his eyes, "Yes, and If I must proof another story about Squidward, I'm going to cry.  I also write stories for here."

Squall did not like where this was going, especially after Irvine's next words, "I do a lot of adult stuff write under the name Beefier than Bahamut."

Yes, for it was true.  Beefier than Bahamut was Hotter than Ifrit's greatest rival.  It was a battle greater than Squall and Seifer.  A battle nobler than Rocky Balboa and um… whoever he was currently fighting to save humankind from the Russians, the (insert current enemy here for rocky to fight) or even that evil frogman from Scooby Doo… yes that was in Rocky XIII Rocky vs. Velma. Yes, or even greater than the debate between crispy and extra crispy.

Irvine continued, "I can't let anything happen to our stories, I currently had 10 more reviews than my rival.  I must fix this place!  Does anybody know where we can find something to make these computer wieners happy?"

Zell looked at the instructor, "Quistis speaks their language, half of them used to be Trepies. She tried talking to them once, but they only started attacking her, mumbling something about a sacrifice to the Golden Gates."

Selphie nodded, "You need to calm them down.  I know just the thing!" 

Selphie found the master video switch and started flipping through the television channels until she found exactly what she was looking for….  "Now the further adventures of Dudley Do-Right!"

Yes, what Selphie knew, that nobody else there did, was that this current group of Trepies was from our neighbor to the north!  Nobody at GroupieLitureate.net could pass up an adventure with their favorite Mountie!

The six were watching out of the slightly ajar door.  Perfect… it was working perfect so far. 

"Okay," explained Selphie, "You guys work on fixing the computer and we'll try to get Quistis to speak to their leader… Zing." 

Everyone agreed, because it is my fanfiction and it's two in the morning and I need sleep. Therefore, even if they did not agree, they do now!  Wow the power Muhahahahaha…

As Selphie and Quistis were about to leave the room, they heard a faint echo, "Remember your friends…" Great, it was Ultimecia playing mind games again. 

Selphie looked at Rinoa, "Um you're the one who is supposed to turn into her later on right?"

Rinoa nodded, "Well yes, according to some people out there and a web-site that has proof… Darn that I am Ultimecia tattoo on my back.  I still don't think so though, I have better fashion sense, but on the positive side I do get a boob job out of it." She whacked Squall on the back of the head. "I saw that celebration Cactuar dance over-there buddy.  Note to self, have breast enlargement after turning evil."

"Okay," agreed Selphie, "You deal with her and her idol threats.  I will go help Quisty over here."

Zell sat back at his chair, yes the very same one that this whole mess started in.  Thanks Zell.  He saw another button, "Do not push – this means you Zell."  Darn it, a button that actually said that!  Wow what a day!  First finding that mold infested hot dog on the way to work now this, a button made for just him.  Do I really need to tell you people what happens….????

He pushed the button *gasp* and *double gasp*.

Across the room, two figures stood out of everyone's sight.  Yes, it was that dastardly duo of Boris and Natasha. 

The little man tweaked his mustache, "Yez!  Zell fell for it!  Dr. Odine waz right, this was eazier to do than catch Mooze and Squirrel!  Now they shall be sucked into the vortex of Time Compression with no weapons, darling!"

The tall women laughed, "Yes Boris, Dr. Odine shall have his revenge.  Now his stories are the only one's that shall exist on GroupieLiterature.net in the time-compressed world!  Tis so easy, since they will end up at orphanage to remember their friends, and where they want to be!  Snidely Whiplash is waiting at the there with lotz a rope and train tracks.  This shall be end of them!"

The room started swirling like in a cheesy Austin Powers effect; more like an effect made by a Cheesy Garden Pilot who thinks he is Spielberg. *cough* Nida *cough*. Again, a voice said, "Remember your Friends." The room then returned to normal. 

"What was that about?" questioned Rinoa.

"I don't know," explained Irvine.  "Oh no!  That button was marked Time Compression for dummies! We need to check out if Selphie and Quistis are all right."

They all agreed (yes again – so easy when you tell them they have to agree!).  The room seemed different, very different. 

Rinoa looked around, "Um guys who put this coffee house here?  Weren't we just at the GroupieLiteratrue.net headquarters?  Why does this place look soooo familiar?  Why is this place busy, yet nobody is sitting at the couch in the middle?"

Squall hit his head, "I think this one maybe my fault, I was kinda thinking about this place.  He held out his electronic voice organizer.  It was not Ultimecia after all; I just left a message to remind myself to record Friends tonight!  Go figure."

Rinoa looked around, "So that would mean that you were thinking about Friends during… oh no."

Next time on GroupieLiterature.net, will Irvine and Joey trade womanizing secrets?  Will Selphie and Quistis find Zing?  Will they realize that their not in Kansas anymore?  Will Bullwinkle ever pull a rabbit out of his hat?  Stay tuned for our next episode "Squall Wars" or "Martha Steward Strikes Back."