Title: Cupid of Camden

Author: Concupiscence

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: language, violence, sappiness

Pairing: Vince/Howard

Summary: Vince wants to be in a park after dark, Howard is afraid of getting mugged

Author's note: The last PG chapter, I promise!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters and I would never try to make money off of them. I enjoy being poor.

Howard had been dreading what club Vince would suggest but the little man decided he wanted to go to a park. A park in the dark.

"Why don't I just mug you myself and we'll call it a night?" Howard suggested as a reasonable alternative.

Vince sighed, "You are soooo... what's the opposite of optimistic?"

"Pessimistic," Howard supplied.

"That. We're not gonna get mugged in the park and I want to ride the swings," Vince said cheerfully as he took Howard's hand, "Let's get a cab and go celebrate our engagement with this lovely bottle of champagne."

Vince held the bottle up to the light, "Moet and Chandon. Like the Queen song. Good stuff."

"We'll need a cork screw," Howard reminded him.

Vince held up his purse, "That's why I knicked one. I'll bring it back tomorrow."

xxx

Howard was hesitant but pushed Vince a little harder.

"Weee!" Vince cried as he sailed higher.

"Grown men don't say weeee. It's undignified," Howard gently scolded.

"Push me harder, I want to go higher," Vince wheedled, yet again.

"You'll fall and you'll get hurt, you're plenty high enough," Howard said firmly.

"You're so square you're like Pong. You are nothing but squares and oblongs."

"Rectangles," Howard corrected.

"Don't put on airs. You didn't do your GCSEs either. You're just as illiterate as I am."

Howard rewarded Vince with a powerful push, one that nearly knocked the man off his swing.

"Too high, Howard! Too high," Vince yelled, "You were right, slow me down!"

Howard grabbed at Vince's hips but only succeeded him in slowing him down a fraction. It took him three grabs to catch Vince proper and bringing him to a halt.

He belatedly realized he was holding Vince's false breasts and jumped back.

Vince laughed and grabbed one of Howard's hands, pulling it back to his chest, "They ain't real, Howard! I don't mind if you touch them. I would mind if they were real."

Howard blushed but let Vince pull his other hand to his chest. Vince was grinning and batting his eyelashes.

This was where Howard always got confused. How did people know which part of flirting was real and which part was just flirting? Vince was always making little comments like that but then he'd make a joke about Howard and things would go back to normal.

Howard pulled his hands back but Vince gripped his wrists, "Howard..."

"Hand over your wallet, purse and jewelry," commanded a deep voice from the shadows.

Howard's shoulders sagged, who could have predicted they'd get mugged in the park at night? Everyone. That's who.

xxx

After moving in with Howard, Vince went through a series of new looks before settling on one he liked. He cut his hair ear length and died it black with bright red highlights. His only make-up was occasional eyeliner. Howard missed the candy floss hair and pretty lip glosses but, for the first time in two years, people forget to call Vince Howard's wife or girlfriend. Occasionally, he heard, "Where's your boyfriend, Vince?" but even that felt like in the right direction.

The teasing about his "wife" stopped just in time for Howard because it was less than six months after Vince and Howard became flat mates that Mrs. Gideon began working at the zoo.

The first time they met, she asked Howard to help her carry some books. She had cooed over his strength and called him handsome and dashing. When he asked her on a date, she pretended not to understand what he was saying. When he finally worked up the nerve to try and kiss her, she slapped and screamed that she was a married woman.

Howard didn't know. He assumed she was a widow because of her flirtatious behavior with (and the complete lack of evidence of a husband). He felt guilty about his feelings but he also felt confused. Mrs. Gideon continued to send mixed messages, keeping him on the line but with no hope of so much as a kiss.

He hesitantly asked Vince for advice.

Vince glanced up from his seed distribution and looked Howard in the eye, "Sometimes people just pretend to like people so they can get stuff. They aren't nice people. You should probably just stay away from Mrs. Gideon."

Howard wondered what James had done to make Vince so cynical. Sometimes he wondered if it wasn't a coincidence that James had so much in common with Howard. He wondered if Vince hadn't just been a little extra forgiving and patient with James' bad behavior because he reminded Vince of his real friend, Howard. It bothered Howard to be an accessory to manipulating Vince's generosity.

James had called several times, begging Vince's forgiveness. It was Leroy, older and wiser and in his early twenties, that put an end to James' calls with one eloquent lie, "You realize this kid is fifteen, right?"

So, Vince was feeling distrustful and Howard could understand that but he couldn't imagine Mrs. Gideon was intentionally leading him on. It was probably a misunderstanding.

Howard was rushing back to the porpoise race after cleaning the cobra cage only to find the perpetually tardy Vince standing at the entrance to the pool with his arms crossed.

"Howard! What are you doing? Quit doing her work for her..."

"Moon's in trouble with the missus again," Vic 'the Prick' from 'spikey, hurty animals' (part of Bob Fossil's new organizational system) called out, surrounded by his shiftless friends.

"Oh, fuck you, Vic," Vince snapped, bringing everyone in hearing range to a dead stop with his uncharacteristically harsh tone , "I don't even look like a girl any more and you're still giving Howard a hard time... You know we don't call you 'the Prick' because you work with porcupines, right? We call you that because you are one."

Vic put his hands up and Joey Moose piped in, "He was just having a laugh..."

"Well, I'm sick of it!" Vince yelled, his blue eyes narrowed in surprising anger, "Everyone is always having a laugh at Howard. Why? Cause he takes his job serious even though this zoo is a joke? Cause he's a real zoo keeper and not just someone Bob Fossil wants to bum? Or is it cause he's friends with me and no one should ever be friends with someone who looks different? I don't know why I ever gave a toss about what anyone here thinks. If the best you can do is make fun of Howard for being loyal and sticking with a friend even if he's... Well, good for you for finding a way to look down on someone cause he's better than you."

Vince gave a two fingered salute into the air and stormed into the porpoise pool with a nervous Howard on his heels.

Howard had never seen Vince really angry before and was unnerved. He kept his distance as they changed into their swim gear. As he followed Vince, who was still more storming than walking, out to the starting line, he worked up the nerve to say, "Thank you."

Vince stopped in his tracks but didn't look back.

"Thanks for, you know, standing up for me and I'm sorry I didn't... I should have told them all off a long time ago for being rude to you..."

"Howard, I don't wear make-up cause it upsets me to be called a bender and bein' friends with me is standin' up for me," Vince explained quietly before giving Howard a fierce but brief hug.

Howard fell off his porpoise, "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman" almost immediately while Vince easily won riding "The third blond girl on Three's Company". To celebrate his win, Howard bought and sewed a KISS army patch onto Vince's zoo keeper jacket. Howard wasn't much for gestures but Vince seemed to understand.

xxx

Howard tossed over his wallet and Vince followed with his purse.

"Aw, Howard, I'm sorry. You were right," Vince apologized.

"Throw over the ring!' the man in the ski mask yelled as he stepped out of the shadows. His knife was glinting in the moonlight. He was a portly man speaking with what had to be the worst fake English accent Howard had ever heard.

"This ring ain't mine, I can't give it to you," Vince explained, putting his hand behind his back.

"I said, hand it over, doll face."

The man was moving towards them.

"Give him the ring!" Howard hissed.

"I can't give over something of Naboo's! It could be dangerous," Vince explained before turning to the mugger, "It belongs to a shaman so it could be cursed or anything. It's too dangerous."

"Then why are you wearing it on your delicate, little hand, sweetheart?"

"Nothing bad ever happens to me, I'm just lucky I guess," Vince explained, "Tell him, Howard."

"It's true, he has absurdly good luck," Howard confirmed.

"I don't care if ya shit four leaf clovers, darlin', hand over the ring!"

The man lunged at Vince who pulled back, loudly smacking his hand off of the metal swing set.

"Dammit," Vince cursed, "The ring broke! Naboo's gonna kill me..."

The mugger was reaching for Vince with his empty hand so Howard grabbed his other hand, the one with the knife, with both hands and pulled down, knocking them both to the ground.

In the seconds it took to fall, Howard realized he was currently engaged in hand to hand combat with a an armed man. That could not bode well for Howard.

The plea for his life was on his lips when the muggers eyes widened in shock and he whispered, "It's you."

"Me? No. I am not... not anyone," Howard explained as he scurried away.

The mugger was climbing to his feet, "It's you that I've waited for. You are the one I am meant to be with forever..."

"I'm flattered, truly," Howard sputtered, "but I'm already engaged to this beautiful, beautiful lady."

The man handed them back their possessions and apologized.

"It's been a bad day for me," the mugger explained, "I know that's no excuse but the bills were stacking up even before Christmas and the missus was on me... You know what? None of this is your problem, darling. I'm going to talk to my uncle, get that job at the bank. Work my way up to the top and rob those bitches blind! Then and only then will I be ready to give you what you so richly deserve, my love."

Howard whimpered in fear as he was pulled down for a gentle kiss on the lips.

"I'll come back for you!" the mugger yelled as he ran away into the night.

Howard wiped his lips clean. First kiss: lunatic/long time friend on the roof top under the threat of be-heading. Second kiss; lunatic/mugger/probably a murder in a children's park under threat of stabbing. What would be next in his romantic calendar? A snog with typhoid Annie?

"Wow, Howard. You really charmed him! I must be rubbing off on you," Vince said with a laugh, as he took Howard's arm, "You're on fire tonight. Everyone is falling in love with you."

Howard looked down into Vince's oversized and excessively blue eyes.

"Wanna go make out a little?" Vince whispered, wrapping his arms around Howard's neck.

Howard hesitated, again confused by Vince's flirting. Normally, Vince flirted the way a man flirts: by lying and exaggerating. In Howard's experience, women flirted by pretending to be willing to do things as long as the man completed a series of expected tasks (i.e. "I might be able to have dinner if someone painted my kitchen..."). The offer of a grope session in a park didn't quite fit in either category.

Vince's hands were on his chest and his head was tilted back.

As Howard closed the space between them, he whispered, "Don't laugh."

Vince obliged.