Chapter 3- The Decision

He had to ignore it. All of it. The confusion and hurt and…

All emotions had to leave. All he needed was a plan. Or, not a plan…not yet.

He couldn't do anything until he had decided what course he would take. He shuddered. He was staring into the darkness, looking down two equally dank and treacherous paths. The only thing that distinguished them was a light, small but brilliant. He thought for a long time, about death and responsibility and the law and his family and his future and life in itself.

The only light in his future was Pam. He held his face in his hands as he stood in that darkened room surrounded by the dead of night. Her face appeared in his inner eye, smiling, happy, oblivious.

He could not lose her. Raising his head he nodded, it was the only real choice he had. But one that meant…

Could he really kill another human being? Take a life?

It didn't matter who it was or what they'd done. The value of life is surely insurmountable, surely… He had always been taught to be straight and good and to not hurt others. But sometimes, hurt just happened. It was only your hand that delivered it, not caused it. Grunting a little he shook it head.

He started pacing again. Every compromise was flawed, he couldn't make the man forget or silence him for sure without entertaining the possibility of death. No, if he were to remain free, the mistake had to be finished.

Completely.

The first thing he registered was a pounding on the back of his head, sharp and constant it was like an explosion of white light behind his eyes, every second, every moment. It was cold and his front was soaked. There was something strong pulling on his leg; dragging it? Loud rustling filled his ears, something scratching his face. The ground was moving?

W-what?

He tried to drag his eyes open, darkness, dimness, darkness. Black and grey, black and grey. Where…where? The world stopped moving suddenly and he managed to keep his eyes open long enough to adjust to the darkness. Was that grass? He couldn't feel his fingers but knew somehow that they were stiff; he tried moving them and had no idea if they had. It was so cold. His head was so heavy, his eyelids struggled to keep open until he saw a face ripple into his mind.

Pam.

He forced himself to turn over and looking up, he saw Death waiting for him. For a terrifying moment, he couldn't register what was happening; all he knew was that the blunt edge raised had the intention of ending him, ending it all. For a fraction of time, he was glad.

No more confusion, no more pain or cold or chaos in his head. A swift, merciful end to the agony of longing and waiting. Slowly, the sounds of the night and his assailant seeped through the blank fear; he thought he heard laughter and with that Pam found him again. But now she was screaming.

Jim pulled his eyes away, shielding his face and raising a cold, shaking hand, palm shown to the Lord of Life and Death. Mercy…mercy.

The spade had hovered, impatiently, in the air for a few seconds before the victim had stirred and acted to defend himself. With the raised palm, the spade stilled and lowered, centimetres at a time until the arms gave in and it clanged to the floor in defeat.

He couldn't. He just couldn't.

The collapsed figure had crumpled again, through fatigue, pain, the standing didn't know. He knelt beside the battered man, a cold knife whistling around his body, feinting impishly at his neck, hands and feet; piercing through his thick clothes to his stomach, making it shake. Looking up, he saw that the night was still strong and that, especially during this season, daylight would not come for a long time. Too long a time for a dying man.

In the worst action of his life, he was cold, deeply ashamed and doubtful about the ordeal's end. But he walked away nonetheless; hoping the cruelty of Nature would match his own and deliver on conviction where he could not. Little did he know that as he walked with that brilliant light in his head, guiding him down his path, that same light burned stronger in the other's soul and it was more than enough to last till morning.