Ch. 4
A Hissy Fit & Chocolate
I am uncomfortable and aghast at how readily the Cullens and the werewolves join forces against Victoria, for me. What good is being mortal enemies when they all too eagerly join hands and seem nearly ready to burst into the first stanza of Kumbayah?
And all for my sake? Seriously, in the scope of things, I am not all that important. That's not me putting myself down, it's just me putting it all into perspective.
But if it's going to be all about me anyway, I do have a right to be egotistical, even if it is just for a minute in the privacy of my own room.
My worlds are colliding, just as they are threatening to rip apart.
This is so incredibly stupid!
Jake and Edward's unspoken agreement to keep me safe and their asinine plan to keep me away from the clearing pisses me off to no end.
I HATE CAMPING! I had shouted at them. Add to it their belief that only they can protect me, well, I threw a major hissy fit about either one of them being in this fight. I stalked off without so much as a backwards glance. Both of them were just stupid boys.
And right now, I've decided to just be a stupid girl. No one sees me do it, though. It's hardly exciting, anyway, since all my temper tantrum involves is hurling what little clothes Victoria's spawn left me at the walls of my room.
No, not thrilling, but oddly calming.
The truth frustrates me. I know I'd be helpless without either Edward or Jake. I know both are well-equipped to fight this month's monsters. But how can I go on living if it turns out one, or both, isn't strong enough to withstand Victoria's frenzied attack?
Wearily, I think of just hopping a plane to join Renee in Florida. Yeah, right, as if! I snort at the thought of such a selfish, cowardly, but admittedly practical escape. Maybe if I can convince half of Forks and La Push to join me, then I'd have a working plan.
Somehow, despite their ever closer proximity to one another, I manage to keep up the artifice of my relationship with Edward. It seems I am convincing enough that neither of the boys really knows how my feelings are changing for Jake. Maybe it is because I'm not examining them very closely myself.
Surely, I am still in love with Edward. I nearly died, twice, to keep him. But this other love, this new, frail thing growing inside me is so real that it distresses me to bring it out into the light. I know I am in love with Jake, too. I just refuse to consider it. I simply don't want it to be.
I already know of love in the human world. It isn't enough for me. I need something more permanent.
Love dies.
I have undeniable proof that it is meant to perish. Look at my mom and dad. Look at Jake's parents. Sam and Leah, Leah's parents... is there anyone who'd once pledged their undying love to another who isn't now alone? The only couples who aren't broken up live in my crazy, dark fantasy world.
They are immortal.
I want forever.
With Edward.
That's what I've made up my mind to do.
But my heart suffers, screaming another name.
I drop, sitting on the edge of my bed, head in hands as I rock back and forth.
The tiny wolf at my wrist jangles.
Oh, what a mess.
... Sigh.
I need some chocolate.
