9 Months Ago…

Post-Op

Atlantis Infirmary

Pegasus Galaxy

Nearly a day after having a building collapse on him and being impaled by a re-bar, mere hours after a daring rescue of Teyla and her new family from Michael's evil clutches, Sheppard lay in post-op, drugged to the gills, recovering from major surgery. He tried lying perfectly still, as even the slightest movement sent waves of pain shooting through him.

Dr. Keller wasn't kidding when she said she was going to "play" with his insides. Sheppard could swear there was a hockey team in there, vying for the goal, their razor-edged blades cutting into him. He tried riding out the pain, but must have made a pitiful moan…

Did I just whimper, he wondered…?

Because Keller was there the next instant, fussing with his IV, complaining about "certain" Colonels not having the sense God gave them, who deserved whatever punishments they'd incurred from above.

"I said I was sorry…" he protested as manfully as possible. That is, if one can be macho while lying helplessly in a hospital gown at the mercy of a woman who knew almost as much about his naked body as his ex-wife ever had, and what with him only being able to manage a whiney whisper.

However, the sudden, blissful numbness that spread through his tortured nerve-endings, told him he'd been forgiven for the moment…

John dreams of Teyla in Michael's hands. For weeks prior to her kidnapping, he'd been angry with himself for having taken her on several dangerous missions, before knowing that she was pregnant. He'd also been upset and disappointed in her for not informing him as soon as she'd found out.

Teyla had been livid at his decision to take her off duty, but he refused to budge, almost losing her friendship in the process.

Didn't she realize the risks to her baby? Every time they went through the gate, there was the possibility of their being shot, stunned, captured, or worse. He wouldn't risk her unborn child's life. He couldn't bear to go through that pain again…not ever again.

John's arms twitch slightly, and he smiles in his sleep. He is tenderly holding the baby during the long flight back to the nearest Stargate in a Wraith dart. The others are in Wraith storage, but he doesn't dare sweep a newborn into a culling beam, so he holds him protectively in his arms. The baby makes a tiny fist and holds it against his damask cheek. As he studies the miracle of ten tiny fingers and a perfectly formed nose, Sheppard reflects on what might have been. His baby would have been almost four.

When they arrive at the nearest planet with a Stargate, he feels inexplicably saddened, knowing his personal time with the baby is over. He activates the controls for the culling beam, and releases his human cargo from storage. He circles over them and counts four heads—McKay, Ronan, Teyla, and…Kaanan, the father—and one of Michael's hybrids. Satisfied they've all been rematerialized safely, Sheppard lands the alien spacecraft.

He opens the canopy and sees Teyla waiting eagerly, her arms extended as if unable to wait even one more second to receive her son once more. Kaanan stands quietly next to her, his left hand held protectively on the small of her back.

John frowns in his sleep. He sees himself standing gingerly in the cockpit, carefully holding the precious bundle as he prepares to climb out. However, he's already lost too much blood, and cannot accomplish this one small feat. Teyla cries in alarm and his team rushes forward. Ronan reaches in to take the baby from him, but John refuses. He will only turn the child over to its rightful mother. Teyla climbs up into the cockpit and slowly, gratefully takes her son into her waiting arms. John watches as Teyla turns to Kaanan and together they gaze down at their child with wonder and adoration.

John feels the weight of events finally take their toll on his poor, abused body. However, he refuses to succumb to the waiting darkness and forces himself to climb out of the dart and starts on the short, painful trek to the Stargate and home. As he crosses the event horizon, his conscience whispers, Not mine…Never mine…

oOo

8 Months Ago…

Post-Op (Again!)

Atlantis Infirmary

Pegasus Galaxy

Sheppard couldn't believe it.

The universe was playing one big April Fools' joke on him…or at the very least, the Pegasus Galaxy was laughing at him.

During his time on Atlantis, Sheppard had been fed on by a Wraith; had his youth restored by the same said Wraith; been locked in a time-dilation field with Pegasus hippies; been turned into a bug; been thrown forward in time forty thousand years; been brought back by the efforts of a holographic Rodney McKay; suffered amnesia brought on by a childhood disease; and had his doppelganger kick his own ass—to name just a few…

But this? This was just too much! This was just. Not. Right. Dammit!

Sheppard was yet again recovering in post-op. Unbelievably, he had once more been impaled in almost the same place as his previous injury. This time his instrument of torture had been a creepy, vine-like parasitic growth that thought it was a Wraith Hive, or it wanted to grow up to be a Wraith Hive. Sheppard wasn't quite sure. All he knew was that it was creepy and disgusting and had attached itself to Dr. Keller, taking over her psyche, and spread at an alarming rate through the city...

"I can't believe it, Colonel," Keller said apologetically. "After everything that happened, I'm perfectly fine, but you have a few weeks of recovery before you can resume your duties."

Dr. Carson Beckett, who had been awakened from stasis only to face this latest bizarre crisis, smiled from the other side of Sheppard's bed. "I leave you on your own for a few short weeks, and what happens? Colonel, you're enough to drive a man back into that stasis chamber."

Sheppard shrugged. "Hey…mission accomplished with minimal casualties. I call that a win." He winced, and quickly tried to camouflage the pained expression with a fake smile. "Besides, I now have two doctors to look after me."

"I'm afraid I won't be here when you wake up, Colonel," Beckett said regretfully. "I have a dial-in back to Earth in a half-hour…Barring any new emergencies, that is." He and Sheppard shook hands.

"Good luck, Carson," Sheppard said a little sadly. "Take care of yourself."

"Aye…the same to you, John," Beckett managed, his eyes tearing a little. Apparently, this copy of Carson Beckett was as big of a sentimental softie as the original.

"Okay, I think it's time for all good little Colonels to go to sleep." Keller's eyes teased him gently as she injected something into his IV port.

"Not sleepy…" Sheppard protested. "Where's Teyla…" he asked, his voice slurring. "She w'spos'd t'br'ng T'rren…"

"Don't worry, Colonel…they'll be here when you wake." Carson's comforting brogue was accompanied by a gentle squeeze on his arm. This was the last thing he knew before he slipped into a deep sleep…

He dreams of rushing home from a distant deployment after receiving news that Nancy is in the hospital. His team leader gave him the grim news: They're afraid she's going to lose the baby. John is dumbfounded—he didn't even know she was pregnant.

He hurries down the empty, never ending hospital corridors. It seems that the harder he runs, the more out of reach the end of the hallway becomes. He panics as he doesn't get any closer. They told him his wife was down this hall, but he doesn't know the room number.

"Where is she?" he asks a passing nurse. "Where's my wife?" But the nurse ignores him and keeps going past him. Frustrated, John grabs her by the arm, but to his surprise, when she faces him, he sees it's Dr. Keller.

Keller looks exasperated and wags a finger at him. "You can't go rushing headlong into danger anymore, Colonel…you're a father now…"

"Doc…? What are you doing here? Where's Nancy?"

Beckett is suddenly there. "I'm sorry, Colonel…you're too late. You're always too late. First Lieutenant Ford, then me and Elizabeth, then Teyla…now your lovely Nancy…"

"I—I don't understand…?"

"That's right, John…"

Teyla and Elizabeth are standing next to him.

"You said you'd come for me," Teyla said, disappointed, "but Michael took me and my son…Where were you?"

"You left me, John," Elizabeth accused. "Oberoth killed me, and it's all your fault!"

"And what about me, sir?" Ford asks, his strange eye glaring at him. "You always said 'leave no man behind…but I guess I didn't count."

John finds himself running through an empty Wraith Hive looking for the cell in which Teyla is being held. He hears her crying out for him…

"John…John, you must hurry! Help me, John!"

But each time he thinks he's found the right door, once he breaks it open, he discovers the chamber beyond empty. He feels his side bleeding, and stumbles in the corridor's uneven floor. As he goes down, he is suddenly somewhere else.

He's back on Atlantis…only it isn't. He realizes it's Asuras, the Replicator home world. The Asurans are surrounding him, grabbing him and holding him in place. They are too strong, too powerful for him to fight off. The next moment he's running down the main corridor that leads to the Gate Room. Somehow he managed to slip away. He spots Elizabeth standing by the grand staircase, but as he reaches her she suddenly slams her hand into his head and laughs.

"You're too late, John…I'm one of them now."

He screams, "NO!" only to find himself back in the empty hospital corridor.

He hears a baby's cry, and the next instant he's standing outside a door. The crying has gotten louder as he hesitantly opens the door. Nancy is looking down at a wrapped bundle in her arms and humming a soothing lullaby. The baby's cries increase in volume.

"You weren't here, John…" Nancy says without looking up. "I needed you…Our baby needed you…But that didn't matter, did it?"

John shakes his head in denial—at her words and at the lie that she's holding her arms. With deep trepidation he takes a step nearer, and gets a close look at the horror that she's holding—a tiny, desiccated husk that's been fed on by a Wraith.

He wakes with a start to the sound of Torren John crying and Teyla's humming a soothing lullaby to offer him a mother's comfort. As she sings, the baby quiets down, his cries softening to gentle hiccups, and then a baby's burble. John watches quietly, an all-too familiar feeling of yearning inside. The baby might carry his name, but it isn't his.

He never had the chance to hold his baby.

oOo