Chapter 4
Author's Note.
I know! I know! It has been ages since I updated this. It's a wonder poor Maura didn't suffocate under that duvet!
I am so sorry but life and writer's block just got in the way but let me reassure you that I am committed to seeing my little baby fic through to the end so please stick with me.
I had major writer's block because this is a crucial pivotal chapter of this humble little story and I really needed to let it bounce around in my head for ages and make sure that it was true to the characters...It also serves to set up what happens next.
This chapter is dedicated to Whitewave42.
Whitewave42...You, my friend, are officially marvellous and I salute you!
Thank you, Thank you. I am indebted to you! You took this little novice writer under your wing and offered me so much valuable support, encouragement and suggestions and I have had a blast this past week having you to share all of my R&I geekiness with...I am totally in awe of your stupendous writing talent and I recommend that everyone reads your superb AU Rizzoli and Isles Fanfic, 'Playing with Fire' - (and please leave reviews for her too and the more detailed the better).
Disclaimer
I don't own it. I make no money from it. Yada Yada.
Anyway, on with the show...So Jane's on her way to Maura's...
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Jane hung up her cell after asking Korsak to call her the minute they had a break in the kidnap case. He hadn't hesitated to authorize Jane's request to check on Maura, knowing that she wouldn't be able to focus until she had satisfied herself that Maura was okay. To be honest, he and Frost were a little worried about Maura themselves: calling Pike to cover for her would not be a decision she would take lightly.
As Jane pulled up outside Maura's Beacon Hill home, the first thing that she noticed was the fact that the ME's Prius hadn't been put in the garage. Instead, it had been unceremoniously dumped at an odd angle on her driveway. A detail that wouldn't have meant much to anyone else but Jane knew Maura and all of her habits and foibles and if she was home for the day or the evening she usually put the car in the garage. If she didn't then it was always parked with regulation precision on her driveway with the driver's door in line with the set of steps that led to the side door of her home. The fact that it was parked in such a haphazard way was about as uncharacteristic as Maura calling a reddish brown stain 'blood' or eating a corn dog washed down with a root beer.
This visible clue to Maura's state of mind did nothing to quell Jane's mounting concern as she rubbed her clammy hands down the front of her pant legs, before marching up the steps that led to Maura's door. She paused for a moment to gather herself, trying to focus on pushing down all of the frustration she was feeling at having to track Maura down and abandon the case.
Over the years, Jane had become increasingly adept at interpreting Maura's body language. She noticed the tiny details, watched for the smallest flickers of expression on her face. Years of being a cop had also helped her to read her complex friend. This meant that despite how wound up Jane was, she knew that she needed to try and rein in her hot-headed, protective, passionate self if she wanted to get to the bottom of what was going on with Maura. If she didn't, then chances were that Maura would be overwhelmed and would just deflect or shut down completely.
She took a breath, hesitated, finger poised over the door bell. She clenched and unclenched her other hand and then straightened up, pushing the bell.
Here goes...
When the third ring of the doorbell went unanswered, the cool, calm and collected option Jane had been trying to go for had been overridden by her usual default 'Rizzoli' setting. She pressed her palms and forehead to the door. 'Maura! Please answer the goddamned door. I am too tired for this.' She grumbled under her breath. She slapped the door with her hands and pushed off, before turning resignedly to descend the steps. The click of the door unlocking halted her progress. She dipped her head with a sigh before taking a breath and swirling back around.
Jane was caught off guard by the Maura that stood before her. She felt her stomach clench as she took in the sight of the usually immaculate blonde. Maura's eyes were puffy and red-rimmed and Jane noticed immediately that she was still wearing the same clothes that she had on yesterday.
'Jane?' Maura questioned, in a voice that seemed too light, too surprised. Maura had pasted on a smile that Jane didn't believe for a second, noting that it didn't extend to her eyes.
'What are you doing here?', Maura continued, again, failing to fool Jane with her attempt to keep her voice light, as it filled the silence between the two of them.
Jane's senses pinged as she regarded her friend. She took in her uneasiness, the lack of eye contact, her bottom lip being worried between her teeth, the way she hugging herself as she leaned against the frame of her door as if for support. Maura looked so lost. In that moment Jane fought the urge to just launch herself at the ME and pull her into a reassuring embrace. But Maura's body language screamed 'don't even try it.'
Maura.
The silent deadlock seemed to last for hours before Maura dropped her hands and pushed off from the frame of the door, turning slowly and walking back into her house towards the kitchen. Jane was left floundering on the step, suddenly uncertain of her next move. She clasped her hands in front, rubbing at her scarred palms before puffing out a breath and launching herself into the house after Maura who was now at the sink, her back to Jane, filling the water jug for the coffee machine.
'Do you want a drink?' Maura continued without turning round, but instead she talked over her shoulder in a tone that once again reeked of fake joviality. Exasperated, Jane raised her hands and then dropped them, 'No, Maura. I don't want a drink!' She said too sharply and then took a breath to calm herself. She continued carefully, her voice more plaintive and filled with concern.
'I just want to know what's going on Maura. I've been calling you and texting you since yesterday. You didn't show up at work. I was worried. I came here to check you were okay. I didn't know where you were.' She was flustered and it all fumbled out.
Maura remained pinned in place putting the jug down she responded in a weary, strained voice 'Where else would I be, Jane?'. She started opening cupboards and looking for mugs, busying herself as Jane's eyes were locked on her back.
What?
Why did Maura's stark statement, weighted with such angst, hit Jane like a punch in her gut?
Jane began to shake her head, hand on hip. She ran a hand through her hair and then moved towards her friend,
'Maur' she breathed it out in a sigh, 'Please. Talk to me.'
She noticed Maura tense at Jane's use of the name only she used for her and her movements stilled.
'Maura. If this is about Casey...'
Jane watched as Maura stiffened. Jane closed the distance between them and reached out to rub a reassuring hand down her arm. Maura flinched, glaring at Jane's hand, before quickly pulling away. Jane was taken aback by Maura's rejection of her touch before inwardly cursing herself as she realised she was still wearing Casey's ring.
No!
Jane backed away, arms raised in submission.
'Maura. Look. I haven't said yes. I don't know what...Look..I just need time...And anyway,' she said, with a quirk of her eyebrow in an attempt to lighten the mood, 'Aren't you always telling me not to jump to conclusions! I thought you never assumed, Maura. Please don't start now!'
Maura didn't know why Jane's comments made her so angry. Her attempt at humour simply served to light a match beneath Maura's already simmering emotions. She spun round, her brow knitted and her eyes blazing. Her petite frame practically pulsed with tension.
Way to go! Jane. Really helpful.
Any thought Jane had that she could diffuse the situation with some humour was immediately snuffed out and she was floundered now, realising that she had simply succeeded in ratchetting the tension up a notch.
'Maura. Say something. Please.' Jane pleaded.
Maura continued to lock eyes with Jane, projecting so many emotions in them that it was painful for Jane to stand there, doing nothing. The internal struggle that her friend was fighting was so apparent from the pain and confusion she saw in the depths of her hazel eyes.
Maura felt helpless as the internal battle raged. So many words were bubbling up inside of her. So many things she wanted so desperately to say to Jane. She could feel her heart thudding too fast in her chest. She was losing control. She reached behind herself to grip the counter in an effort to ground herself. Holding on for dear life, afraid that if she let go she might literally shatter into a million pieces. Her whole body was shaking with all of the pent up feelings that were clawing their way to the surface now. She didn't trust herself to speak. She didn't know what to say or how to say it. How to articulate all of the thoughts that were racing through her head.
Don't leave me.
I love you.
Choose me.
Finally, Maura shook her head, as if attempting to clear it. She collected her thoughts. The silence stretched on between them.
I. can. do. this. breathe.
Maura took a steadying breath and licked her lips. With every ounce of composure she could muster she finally spoke,
'Can you really leave Boston? Leave your home. Leave BPD. Your family. Friends....Can you see yourself as a general's wife, Jane?'
Her words were so quiet and measured that Jane would have missed them had she not been waiting so intently for Maura to say something, anything.
Jane paused. Surprised at first by Maura's question, Jane let out a breath she hadn't realised she was holding, just relieved that Maura was at least talking to her at all.
'Honestly, Maura? I just don't know.'
Maura's expressive eyes betraying how vulnerable she was at this moment. Laid bare.
'Tell me what you are thinking Maura? What's going on in that big brain of yours?' Jane stepped closer to Maura, gently reaching out for Maura's arms - grateful this time that Maura didn't shirk away from her touch. She was shocked by how much Maura was shaking.
'Maura. What you think is important to me. You are important to me. You are my best friend and that is not going to change.'
Jane tentatively reached out and lifted Maura's chin with her fingers until their eyes met. She looked at the glistening hazel eyes that stared back and all of the emotions that were swirling in them. It was Maura who finally tore her gaze away from the searching chocolate eyes that seemed to burn her with their intensity. Maura slammed her eyes shut and slowly shook her head, biting her lip. She was sick of hiding her emotions. So tired of fighting the growing feelings she had for her best friend. She wanting to tell Jane everything but then she was not that person. If she did so she would be no better than Casey...Making Jane choose, coercing her, influencing her. More importantly, the risk of losing Jane and their friendship entirely was too painful to imagine.
'Maura. Say something.' Jane pressed gently.
'I can't', barely audible.
'Maura?' Plaintively, with conviction.
Maura clenched her jaw even more tightly, trying to hold off all of the words that seemed to be pressing against the back of her lips - straining to be unleashed and unfettered. Finally, her internal defenses crumbled...The inner turmoil, the tension, the confrontation, the proposal, Casey, everything surged forth and she wrenched herself from Jane's grasp.
'I can't!' she screamed, conveying such pain and anguish in those two words that both of them stood there stunned. Maura's hand flew to her mouth and her eye's brimmed with tears. Jane was rooted to the spot, eyes wide with shock. Maura felt an urge to flee that was overpowering. She just couldn't handle it anymore. She tried to push past Jane, but Jane, suddenly recovering from the shock held onto Maura's shoulders, pinning her to the spot.
Maura tried to wrestle herself away but Jane held firm, pleading with her. 'Maura. Please do not walk away from me. We need to talk about this. I need to understand what is going on here. Whatever it is, we can fix it.'
Jane stepped closer to Maura, rubbing her hands gently up and down Maura's upper arms, giving her a reassuring squeeze before grasping her arms gently. She waited for Maura to raise her eyes once more.
'Talk to me Maur'. I am not leaving until we sort this out.'
Maura was too weary to argue any more. Too tired of it all. She looked up at the liquid brown eyes so full of concern. Her breath caught as she stared into the face she thought would always be part of her life. Always there for her.
I can't lose you.
She licked her dry lips. Her throat was so tight with emotion that it was physically painful. She clenched and unclenched her fists, still fighting with herself as to what to do, what to say. All the time she was so aware of Jane's close proximity, the heat of her breath on her face, the warmth of her hands holding her up, her intense compassionate gaze burning into her. She could smell Jane's lavender perfume and that intoxicating scent that was uniquely Jane. It made it hard to think, hard to breathe. Maura's throat felt so tight and parched she wasn't sure if she could squeeze any words out even if she wanted to.
Jane was confused by the myriad of surging emotions that were stirring within her as she continued to search Maura's face. Deeply affected by with the pain that was reflected back at her. As she held onto her friend and searched the face that she had known for years she suddenly felt as if she were truly seeing her for the first time. It seemed like minutes stretched out between them as she stood there waiting for her friend to gather herself to speak.
Jane and Maura both jumped as the shrill of Maura's cell phone broke the spell between them. Neither moved for a while and Jane didn't release her hold as Maura broke eye contact and looked over at the cell phone display on the kitchen worktop. Her mother's number. Her eyes darted back to Jane...Not sure if she was relieved to have the interruption or whether she was annoyed by it.
Maura was the first to react, clearing her throat, 'Jane. I should...'
Jane awoke from her daze, stuttering 'Yeah...Of course, of course.'
Jane slowly and gently loosened her hold on Maura and stepped away, running her hand absently through her hair.
'Mother?' Maura said, turning away from Jane after picking up the cell.
Jane wandered into the lounge, dragging a hand along the back of the sofa as she took some calming breaths and tried to ignore the sound of her heart still hammering in her chest.
'Beth? What's going on? Why are you using mother's phone? Is everythi...'
Jane spun round and watched as Maura's face drained of colour and she dropped like a stone onto one of the kitchen chairs.
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So thank you to those who have stuck with my little fic and thank you so much for all of the encouraging reviews and favourites and follows. Please let me know what you think of this chapter because it is a really important chapter for me and I can't tell you how wonderful it is to get a review that lets you know you have connected with the reader. Tell me which bits you like and what you think might happen next. I love feedback! So please, just cast your eye towards that little empty review box at the bottom of the page and speak to me! Thank you in advance!
