Chapter 4 is up! The "disturbing clarity" moment finally came… enjoy and review! Thanks for all your reviews guys, I appreciate it so much!
Sharon didn't sleep at all that night. After a while tears ran out and she found herself pacing with cup of tea in her hands trying to calm her nerves without succeeding. What Andy said about his past lovers was just too much for her, she couldn't pretend she didn't hear and the idea of him with other women appeared in her mind making fresh tears burn in the corner of her eyes. God, how could it be so painful? She couldn't bear to think about him sleeping with someone else touching that woman like she thought he'd have touched her, kissed her, loved her. He crossed the limit, right, but she... he told he loved her and she didn't say anything for God's sake! What was wrong with her? She wanted to hit herself, slap some sense in her own head. How could she do that to him, to Andy, to her wonderful, sweet Andy? They hurt each other too much and she didn't know how to fix what it looked like an irreparable situation, she was too hurt by his words and behavior, he apologized but it wasn't enough: he made her feel like an old boring prude who couldn't compare to young easy girls capable of satisfying every men's needs.
Sharon put the cup on the bedside table and laid down. If he had just said yes when she told him she wanted him and brought her to bed nothing would have happened, they both would have gotten what they wanted, stubborn man! She closed her eyes and indulged in the painful heartbreaking fantasy of being in his embrace, his strong arms enveloping her, keeping her warm and safe, his moist lips kissing her neck, reaching her mouth, their tongues mingled together, his hands everywhere... oh God!
Sharon forced herself to open her eyes and look around herself: the empty house – Rusty was out and wouldn't be back until the next morning – the silence, the big and cold bed, she felt sad and lonely, for the first time in her life she felt old and realized she'd probably have ended up alone. She had never really thought about that before, she had never really cared, she had three wonderful children, a job she loved, she was satisfied with her life until someone showed her how beautiful her life could have been with him in it... Andy! How could someone possibly want and love so much a man who just broke her heart? It was nonsense but she was drowning in it.
The next day at work the atmosphere was glacial. Flynn has suddenly stopped being grumpy, he was quiet and miserable, he did his job without questioning and after weeks of complains it just seemed odd, the Captain was nervous and uncomfortable instead, she threw glances at him when she thought no one was looking, her eyes were veiled by a deep sadness. The squad was confused, everyone could say that something was really wrong and out of place, so it wasn't strange that Provenza decided to corner his friend in the break room.
"What's going on, Flynn?"
"Hello to you too" Andy said waiting for the coffee machine to brew
"You know what I mean, we talked last night"
"It's over"
"Whaat? I told you to talk to her, to fix the situation" he hissed
"And I didn't want to do it but she forced me and hell broke loose!"
"What happened?"
"I said a lot of hurtful things but there's worse: I told her I love her, she was crying, she didn't say anything Louie. You were wrong, she doesn't love me"
"Of course she does, you idiot! Didn't you think she was too upset to speak? What did you tell her?"
"She..." he exhaled "She wanted to have sex, she said she was ready but I didn't want to, not like that, not after fighting, it looked like she was doing it for me, to keep me. The conversation spun out of control, I told her she threw herself at me and she said she wasn't one of the hopeless sluts I dated before her and I didn't seem to notice the difference. So I snapped, I told that I did notice the difference because at least I was getting laid with them"
"God, Flynn! What's in that empty head of yours? How could you say that to her?"
"She slapped me"
"Of course she did! I'd have done it too in her shoes. Then?"
"Then she was leaving but I stopped her, I tried to apologize, I told her that she was what I've always wanted and that I love her but if she didn't love me back it was better to end it"
"And when she didn't answer you thought she simply didn't love you" Provenza shook his head incredulous
"I screwed up everything" Andy said defeated pouring himself coffee in his mug
"Yes, you did genius! You should know her by now"
"That was why I didn't want to talk to her, I knew I was too mad to make it right and look at us now, we're over"
"Flynn! That woman loves you, you just have to find a way to fix this mess"
"It's too late old man, I won't go to her begging for crumbles, it's not fair. I messed up, it's true but I tried to apologize, I told her how I feel, it's her turn now"
"If you do love her Flynn, you won't give up on her"
"Maybe we were not meant to be, not everyone is lucky like you with Patrice" he answered sad leaving the break room with his mug
"Flynn wait, why don't you come over for dinner? I'm sure Patrice would be glad to see you"
"I'll think about it, I'll let you know later"
Sharon was right around the corner and she listened the last part of the conversation before hiding in a room. If you do love her Flynn, you won't give up on her... she put a hand on her mouth to silence a sob, he couldn't think that for real, did he really give up on them? A treacherous tear escaped her eye and she hastily brushed it away, she was at work and had to keep her mask in place, her defenses up. She waited until they went back to the murder room to leave her hiding place and went grabbing a cup of tea, tea always helped her to calm down but apparently not that day: she was a bundle of nerves who lost control of her life, of everything, she lost her balance and didn't know how to get it back. Maybe we were not meant to be, not everyone is lucky like you with Patrice... her hands were shaking so much that spilled the tea on her blouse before the cup slipped her and fell on the floor.
"Shit" she cursed under her breath
At the same time Andy was about to enter the room but stopped in his track, she was the last person he wanted to be in a room alone with, he tried to turn on his heels and leave without her to notice but failed
"You don't have to go away because I'm here" she almost whispered, head lowered while she tried to get her blouse clean "I'm leaving anyway, you can stay"
"That's not what I was doing"
"Really? Because it seemed to me you were here to put your mug back and you still have it in your hands"
"Stating the obvious..." he grumbled
"What did you just say?" she stared at him
"It doesn't matter" he crossed the room and reached the sink washing the mug and putting it back
"Is this how it was going to be between us from now on? Avoiding each other?"
"How does the Captain want it to be?" he asked mockingly
"The Captain's not here, this is Sharon talking"
"Well, Sharon seemed at a loss of words last night..." the implication of his words was loud and clear
"About that, Andy..."
"You don't have to sugar the pill, Sharon. I got it, I just don't understand why you did all you did for me"
"Because you're important to me"
"Clearly not enough"
"That's not true, if you let me explain I..."
"You what? What do you want to explain? You've been pretty clear last night, I told you how I feel and you said nothing, not even to fuck off!" he hissed
"I was upset and angry and you didn't give me time to process what you said..."
"What's there to process, Sharon?" he cut her off "Is it possible it's always like that with you? You've to process, you've to figure out, you've to think, you need time, it's always you, you and you! There was also me in this fucking relationship, if we can even call it like that!"
It dawned on her that what he said was totally right, she was the one who decided everything since the beginning and he agreed because he didn't want to lose her, because he wanted a chance and would have done anything to have it.
"You're right, I'm sorry" she whispered
"That's all you have to say? That I'm right? I don't need you to treat me like an idiot telling me I'm right to make me happy!"
"That's not what I'm doing. I just realized that I've been so focused on myself, on what I needed, on how I wanted things to move forward between us that I didn't think about what you really wanted, if you were really okay about it. I've been selfish and I'm sorry but what you said before I stormed out of your place was just out of the line, you..."
"I was out the line? And you staying silent after your boyfriend confessed that he loves you that was not out the line?" he yelled "You know what, Sharon? Go to hell!"
He stormed out the break room before she could say anything. She looked at cup's pieces on the floor, that was exactly how their relationship was, irreparably broken.
to be continued...
