Disclaimer: Danger Mouse and characters are property of Cosgrove/Hall productions, and I don't own them. This fiction and the characters of M6 Lori Lamoure and her assistant and other craziness the other side of the pond is my own insanity, property of me, Trynia Merin. This is the revised version as of 7/13/2008

Two of the Best and Two of the Worst

Chapter 3

By Trynia Merin


Opening Theme, as usual.

Danger Mouse, Danger Mouse… DANGER MOUSE….

When the bomb explodes over the logo, the title card is seen, with the following logo: Two of the Best and Two of the Worst, Part 4

Narrator: In our last episode, Agent Bagel thought she was a goner, before she was rescued by none other than the white wonder himself. Deputizing her as his assistant, DM sought to find his own assistant and M6 before the Baron and his new ally did… but will they succeed? Can DM act without Penfold's help? Also, what's become of Penfold and the lovely American agent M6?

"Hello? Anybody there?" Lori asked as she slowly came to, and found that her car was in the bottom of an ice cavern. She was thankful it turned into a submarine courtesy of the S button, and the current had taken her into this underground cavern. Slowly she walked in ever widening circles, glancing for some sign of civilization.

As she came closer, she saw the telltale sharks rising, and dodged the laser beams that shot overhead. She heard distant cries coming from somewhere deeper in the cavern, and tuned her special hearing to them.

A high-pitched voice cried, "Oh 'eck... oh HELP! Someone SAVE ME!"

"This calls for some rescue action," she said, rushing in the direction of the voice. When it grew louder, she saw the source. Hanging from two cuffs was a little fellow, screaming and thrashing as he tried to avoid crocodiles from nipping his toes. He wore glasses, and his face held terror. She recognized him from the picture that Bagel had shown her.

"HELP!" he cried. "Somebody SAVE ME! My best friend is a superhero… oh CRUMBS, oh crikey, oh 'eck!"

"Don't panic, I'm coming to rescue you, whoever you are!" Lori cried as she scoped out the situation. While she was used to sharks with laser beams on their heads, she wasn't used to crocodiles. And what were THEY doing in the arctic? Must be one of Greenback's traps.

"Help!" Penfold cried, dangling like a worm on a hook. His accent was decidedly British, but definitely not the stereotypical sort portrayed and lampooned on American television. Rather one of the ones she would have heard on a genuine English soap like East Enders.

"Hold on!" she cried.

"I AM holding on!" he cried back as Lori poised to jump. Taking her grappling line, she threw it until it landed near the hamster's cuffs and swung across the pit. Grabbing him by the waist, she quickly bit through the chains. After she landed on the other side of the pit, she set the shivering little person down.

"Cor, thank goodness chief… 'Ang about, yer not the chief!" he gasped as he looked up and saw the svelte form in shining white teraline, and the absence of an eye patch. Rubbing his glasses on his sleeve, Penfold blinked.

"I'm not your chief, I'm afraid. You must be Penfold, I presume?"

"Blimey, if you aren't the prettiest white mouse I've ever seen… cor!" Penfold blinked. Lori smiled and leaned over to look at him.

"I guess you're Danger Mouse's little friend?" she asked him.

"That I am… where is the chief?" asked Penfold, confused as he wrung his hands.

"That's what I was sent here to find," Lori said. "I suggest we move as FAR away from the crocodiles as we can…"

"Cor yer right," he nodded as Lori offered her hand and Penfold slipped his into hers, rushing quickly after her.

As they rushed along, Penfold panted, trying to keep up with her. She was as fast as DM, and the long tail curved gracefully as she came to a halt and Penfold stumbled at the edge of a sheer drop. Her tail snaked out and caught Penfold about the waist. He screamed as he dangled in the abyss, before Lori planted him safely.

"Thanks for the rescue Miss," he panted. "Another second there and I would have copped it!"

"Now can you answer me a few questions?" she asked him. "Such as where is DM?"

"I don't know… lummie if that rotter Greenback didn't capture me and plunk me down here in those awful crocodiles! But you saved me! You must be that agent that DM was going to work with… the American?"

"That I am. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm agent M6. You haven't seen another hamster with glasses… female I take it?"

"Eck no," Penfold said slowly. "I've been screaming me voice out fer DM… Baron Greenback's been right nasty, and e's got a new chum with him."

"Is he named Cam Eleon Rex?" she asked.

"That'd be him!" Penfold said, and shivered. "Greenback's rotten but he's just plain MEAN…"

"Just why he and Greenback are working together and where they're hiding! I have GOT to find out," she mumbled.

"Oh please Miss you got to help me find DM!" Penfold pulled on her sleeve impatiently. "I'm worried SICK!"

"I know you are. I also have an assistant, I'm worried about," she nodded. "Can you consider yourself my assistant till we find them?"

"Right o you can count on me," Penfold said, in a weird effort to be brave, even if it was just being polite. Even though he was a coward, he did have some manners his Aunt taught him.

"C'mon Penfold, let's go," she said.

"Oh 'eck," he groaned as he fell in behind her and followed her into the darkness. "I hate darkness… it isn't light enough…"
"Don't worry, I'm protecting you. What do you have to worry about?"

"Spiders!" he shrieked, jumping into her arms. Lori chuckled with amusement as he clung to her, shivering. His arm wrapped around her hip, his small body trembling like jelly against hers.

"There are NO spiders up THIS far north," she laughed and put him down.

"Then tell THEM that!" he pointed wildly to the large spiders that were slowly crawling up around them. Lori cart wheeled out of the way, her tail wrapping around Penfold as she dragged him out of the way of their webbing. True to his nature he screamed and shouted, fussing as Lori bore him safely out of harm's way.

"Now that's pure Cam Elion," she nodded as the hissing spiders rushed after them. "Never MIND they are robotic ones!"

"I don't' care if they're wind up, they're horrible!" Penfold wailed.

"Buck up, little camper," she laughed as he hid behind her and she held up her hands in defensive posture. "I do know some martial arts, and these hands are deadly weapons!"

"You don't know Kong Moggie do you?" Penfold groaned.

"Um yes," M6, Lori admitted.

"Cause they do too!" he pointed as the spiders moved into the same stance, and she suddenly stared them down, her pink eyes fixing on their opponents.

"Come quietly, and I won't be rough on you!" Lori shouted bravely as she intercepted their attacks. Thick choking webbing surrounded Penfold shrieked and backed away as she pushed him aside and suddenly.

"Oh heck!" he shouted as he stepped backwards, and plummeted through a trap door, down a slide. Lori felt the webs surrounding her as they tightened. Suddenly she realized she had lit up like a light bulb when and electrical charge surged through the webbing.

"Now THAT's definitely NOT you, Cam-Elion!" she shouted before she passed out.

"Very good," Greenback rubbed his hands together from behind his desk. Nero laughed as he leapt up and down, and Eleon-Rex grinned. Over the video screen, they had seen the entire event unfold before them with clockwork precision.

"Do I or do I NOT live up to my reputation?" he grinned.

"Indeed, we make a good team," Greenback laughed. "Danger Mouse will SOON fall prey to our combined machinations."
"And Agent M6 is already abducted."

"Stiletto, prepare to round up the assistants," Greenback added.

"Nadine, prepare for operation mop up," said his partner. A svelte ladybird strode from behind a door, and then sauntered up to the Baron's desk.

"Nadine Nevermore, my number two," he said, pointing out the raven beauty, who wore a black ninja suit, and her beak covered in a black mask. She swung a pair of nunchukas in her hands; her gold eyes gleaming in the light as Stiletto suddenly came in.

"Stone-a da crows," he gaped.

"I trust you two can handle two incompetent hamsters?" Greenback looked at his assistant and the new arrival.

"Si Barony," Stiletto nodded eagerly.

"Then take care of it," he said.

"This-a way senora," Stiletto quickly showed the way to the secret passages in the trap. "Ladies first."

As she moved past him, her tail feathers brushed him and he laughed, rushing after her as he almost lost his hat, and left the two evildoers to revel in their almost victory. Greenback turned to Cam Elion and said, "But there is STILL the matter of Danger Mouse."

Cam Elion turned to Greenback and said; "He has STILL eluded us… but not for long," so saying he pointed to a view screen where DW was in a dark pit, surrounded by TNT and other explosives. He was gripped in a steel clamp, and locked down to the gurney, glaring up at the camera with defiant gaze.

"Resting comfortably, Witless wonder?" asked Cam Eliot as he sashayed over to the microphone, and regarded his alley's nemesis.

"You fiend, when I get my hands on you…"

"I don't think that will be possible, Danger Mouse," laughed Greenback. Danger Mouse glared up at the camera lens, to see the twin threat represented before him.

"I might have known you'd stoop so low as to use HELP," DM taunted. "Only a twisted and DESPARATE genius like you would hire an AMERICAN criminal to try and get me…you're losing your touch, Greenback!"

"All's fair in free trade," Cam Elion laughed. "And don't expect help from the other side of the pond. By now both you and she are doomed!"

"If she's hurt," DM said slowly.

"I wouldn't worry about her, or your assistant. They're on their way out to becoming extinct. Worry more for yourself. Because when the sand in this hourglass drops to the lower part, you'll be nothing more than a footnote in criminal history," said Cam Eleon.

"You fiends!" echoed Danger Mouse's voice before Greenback laughed maniacally.

"At LAST you will be no more," Greenback laughed, joining his new ally in the usual villainous maniacal laughter.


Penfold shrieked as he blundered through blackness, bumping into the walls here and there. He mumbled and reached for his flashlight, and clicked it on. Around him, there were multiple places he could go, but he stood there shivering in fear.

"Oh 'Eck, oh crumbs oh crikey, what am I going to do… I'm all ALONE," he whimpered.

He heard a low howl, accompanied by a scream that was coming closer and closer. Screaming himself, he broke into a run, but slipped and slid on the icy floor beneath him. Unfortunately, this only resulted in the hamster running comically in one place with his arms flung before him. From above the scream grew louder and more menacing before Penfold suddenly felt something slam into his back. Temporarily stars and all manner of tweeting birds orbited his head. As he groaned, someone else groaned, and he felt something sitting on his back.

"Oh 'eck now I know how DM feels," he mumbled, laying flat. He couldn't turn his head to see what was weighing him down, but it moved and shivered as he was a few minutes before.

"What happened," said the voice that perked up Penfold's ears. Bagel had something break her fall, and even though she was stunned, she blinked to see she was sitting on someone's back. And she didn't' fail to notice the stars orbiting the poor little person's head.

"Ohhhhh heck," Penfold moaned.

"Hey, you saved me," Bagel said, leaning down to see her rescuer who had broken her fall. "You saved me… thank you SO much!"

"Ooh er?" Penfold moaned as Bagel leapt off him and took a closer look. She leaned down and picked up the flashlight from him, flicking it on and sticking it in the snow as she rolled him over and got a good look at her rescuer. Even though it was accidental, he WAS a soft place to land on.

"Hey you okay?" she asked as she put his head and shoulders on her lap. Then she looked down at him, fanning his face with her handkerchief.

"Umm… crumbs, what the heck happened?" he stopped and blinked up.

A dainty hand put his glasses back on his nose and he looked up into the face of a female hamster. She wore pink bows tied around her ears, and her soft brown hair framing her face, with a pair of thick glasses on her pink nose. She was a light golden brown, unlike him who was a darker brown, and instantly he was smitten.

"You saved me you know," she said shyly. Her dark eyes were blurred behind thick glasses, much like his must be.

"I saved you?" he looked up at her. "Cor… but I'm an assistant."

"Are you DM's friend?" asked Bagel.

Quickly Penfold assessed what happened as she rubbed his head, which was aching horribly, and he saw the glint of light off her glasses. His head and shoulders lay in her lap, and he noticed she was wearing a blouse and pleated plaid skirt, which his head lay on. Her hands were small and delicate, with pink painted nails, and her glasses were gold framed.

HE… had broken HER fall. He had SAVED her. He… Penfold, thoroughly inadequate assistant, had saved a girl. Moreover, a very CUTE hamster girl to boot. She looked about his age.

"That's right I'm Penfold, Ernest Penfold at your service miss," he said, a sudden feeling of warmth coming over him as he sat up and managed to draw himself up to his short height. "And I SAVED you!"

"That's right," she smiled. "I'm Bagel. Bagel Zingerwitz… From New York City. You know, the Big Apple?"

"Crikey, yer an American," Penfold blurted out, realizing how stupid this sounded. However, he wasn't used to rescuing damsels in distress. This was a new experience.

"Is this your flashlight?" she asked, holding it up to him. He took it from her, with a blush on his face as her hand touched his, and he reached down to help her up to her feet. She was the SAME height as he was, and he couldn't BELIEVE it. He had saved HER.

"Yes thank ye," he said with a flush on his face. Strangely, all his limbs felt numb, and a giddy sensation fluttered in his stomach. Yet it wasn't indigestion, it was a shy silly sensation.

"I was running like you wouldn't believe. This place is CRAZY," Bagel chattered on, glancing around as she moved closer to him. "And I was all alone…"

"Have you seen Danger Mouse?" asked Penfold.

"Yes, I was with him just a half hour ago," she confirmed.

"Oh good, cause I was worried SICK about him. He needs me you know," nodded Penfold eagerly.

"Yes, he said he missed having you around," said Bagel with a smile. "HE said he couldn't save the world without you…"

"He did, didn't he?" Penfold asked as he blushed. "Why of COURSE he did… because I'm Penfold, the assistant to the world's GREATEST secret agent! And I'll protect you!"

"I'm glad you're here to protect me," she said with a smile, thinking he was silly, but very cute nonetheless.

"We'd better find them before they miss us, and have all the fun," Penfold said, sounding FAR braver then he normally did. "Don't worry Bagel, we'll rescue them!"

"All right. I think they might be this way?" she suggested.

"Stick close miss, because I'm going to lead you out of here with my TRUSTY flashlight," Penfold said brightly. She ducked behind him, and the two hamsters moved out into one of the hallways. There came a sudden howling, and Penfold yelped.

"Oh what's that?" he shivered, his knees knocking together.

"I don't' know. The wind I hope?"

"Ohhh its awful hungry… and it sounds like it has GREAT gnashing teeth… oh crikey!"

"Oy vey," Bagel groaned and moved closer. Penfold grabbed her hand and held it, both shaking like jelly.

"Don't worry, I'll protect you, Miss!" he stammered.

"Thanks… I think," she stammered back as both hamsters shivered in mutual fear as the hulking black shape approached. A curved beak shimmered as a pair of nunchakas whirred. Penfold and Bagel both let out a loud cry, wrapping their arms went around each other while they backed away.

"I have you NOW, you little tag-alongs," came a maniacal laugh.

"You tell 'em sweets," said the voice of Stiletto. "All nice-ley and-a neatly wrapped up."

"Let's get them," said Natalie Nevermore as she swung her weapon menacingly, and Stiletto pounded his fists, brass knuckles in his hands.

"Stand back… I'm a deadly master in the art of Kung Moggie," Penfold suddenly said, standing before Bagel as she held the flashlight. Jumping on his toes, he stuck his hands at perpendicular angles before his chest. "You will NOT attack us!"

"Oh marone, I'm a-scared," laughed Stiletto.

"Oh don't hurt us, too badly," chuckled Nevermore as she approached, while lifting her mask. "It's been a while Bagel Zingerwitz. Prepare to be rubbed out."

"What-a she said," said Stiletto, cracking his knuckles. "Shall I or you?"

"Let's get them BOTH!"

"Ohh heck!" Penfold groaned, and backed away, his hands swinging as he began to try to act brave despite his cowardice. Bagel stood beside him, looking up at her enemies.

"Not in the face, not in the face!" she cried as their attackers advanced. Penfold held up his hands, feeling LESS then confident, despite the insane resolve to somehow be hero to this new hamster girl.

Isenbard: OH NO! A horrible catastrophe indeed! Can Danger Mouse and M6 escape the twin fate of evil that has captured them? Can Penfold overcome his STRANGE new madness, and can he REALLY rescue his chief and M6? Stay tuned for this and other adventures on Episode 3 of Two of the Best and Two of the Worst…