Chapter 4

April 11th, 1912

I was always right when it concerned my parents. They were so predictable. I knew I was in more trouble than I previously thought when I realized Joe and I had missed dinner. It was very important for the first class to always make an appearance, to show off your wealth and status. Dinner was an excuse to compare who was richer. So when Joe and I didn't show, and people inquired my parents had to think of a good enough excuse for our absence. I just knew I'd hear it from them tonight.

As Joe and I walked hand in hand down the hall to our room, I noticed how unusually quite he was.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

He just shrugged, another uncharacteristic reaction from him.

"Come on Joe, you can tell me."

He stopped suddenly, pulling me down to get closer to him.

He said in a whimper, "Violet? You won't get in too much trouble will you?"

Oh, he was worried about me. My little guardian angel.

I tried to act sincere and give nothing away as I assured him, "No Joe. Mother and father will be upset that's all. That's what parents do when they worry. Just be a good boy like you always are. Okay? And please remember not to say anything about you know who."

He just nodded in response still keeping a firm grip on my hand.

Just like I had suspected, mother and father were sitting in the parlor room, waiting. As we entered I could feel Joe's grip on me tighten. He was strong for a seven year old, but fear will do that to you. When it came to our parents, fear was the only way they could get through to us, and it always worked.

They actually paid me no attention as we entered, not making eye contact or even acknowledging my existence. This was not going to be good. Mother raised her arms to Joe to welcome him in an embrace. He ran over, throwing himself in her arms, forgetting about me. That stung a little. And seeing my mother give Joe the attention I so much wanted as a child made me feel jealous.

I envied Joe. He had no responsibility to this family, at least not yet. He was oblivious to the world. Especially the world he was a part of. He didn't see class, which was apparent, seeing him with the third class passengers. He treated everyone like a friend. He even took a shine to Tommy, which is rare as he is usually so shy. Tommy…

"Joe, go to bed son." My father's gruff voice reminded me where I was, and that I was not out of trouble yet. Joe set off but gave me a reassuring smile as he left. I tried to return it, half heartedly.

I was alone with them now. It was eerily quiet except for the gentle hum of the engines.

"Where were you?" It was so low I honestly couldn't hear what my father said. He had a horrible habit of mumbling.

"What?" I asked meekly.

"Do not make me repeat myself?!" I definitely heard that.

I wasn't thinking about what would come out of my mouth next. It was a natural reaction from me, to fight back when I'm being cornered.

"Why? I thought you liked the sound of your own voice."

A few quick strides toward me was all it took for my father to stand right in front of me. Before he could raise his hand to me, I looked away. I wasn't ashamed. This wasn't the first time I had been struck.

When it didn't come I glanced from the corner of my eye to him still standing with his hand ready to strike. What was he waiting for? I saw that my mother had looked away. She wasn't willing to stop my father, but she wouldn't watch either. My father gave a huff of frustration and turned from me again. I instantly relaxed, but this was far from over.

"Where were you and Joe tonight Violet? You missed dinner incase you were wondering."

"I, uh, took Joe around the ship. We…got lost."

My father let out an exasperated sigh. "Your mother and I have had just about enough of you young lady."

I learned not to speak unless I was directly spoken to. Any other kind of response would have given them another excuse to punish me further. Although I don't believe he would strike me, for fear of leaving a visible mark on my face. Then I really couldn't socialize. I almost wish he had, just to give me the excuse I wanted.

My father continued standing next to my mother now, both pretending to be shaken. It was sad that they couldn't even feel wholeheartedly, even for their own children.

"You seem to forget how important this trip is. We are in your fiancé's debt while aboard this ship. And I will not tolerate anything less than your best decorum. And I'm sure you're soon to be husband will not be pleased at how you have acted."

I nearly scoffed at that. Like I cared what anyone thought. My father left the sitting room to go in his bedroom. I thought that was the end of it, until he returned with a parcel in his hand. He handed it to me. I stared at it blankly then to him for an explanation.

"This was sent from Robert a few months ago. He asked me to give it to you sooner but I decided against it. I thought it better for him to give it to you in person." He motioned for me to open it, as he continued to tell me of the mystery object. "I see now that you don't quite grasp the situation you're in or what's expected of you. So I give it to you now as a reminder why you are here."

I opened it nervously. I tried not to show that my hands were actually shaking. I got the seal open and put my hand in to pull out a small black box. Shit.

Every woman knew what was in a little black box when it was given to them from a man. I already knew the question he would have asked me if he were here. But this was arranged and I couldn't answer the way I wanted. It had to be, yes.

My father was right; this did put me in my place. It was a reminder why I was on this god forsaken ship. It put the whole situation into perspective. I felt small compared to this little box. I opened it, revealing a stone large enough to sink this ship. I stared at it unsure of what to do with it. I didn't want to wear it.

"You will wear it, Violet. Robert will see that you are compliant with our wishes and his. I hope this will heed any unwanted behavior from you."

"Yes father." It's all I could or would say to him.

"And I feel it's time you know that you and Robert will marry a week after we dock in America. Preparations have been made and plans are settled. We didn't tell you for fear of your lack of cooperation. But I see you're past all that. It's time to take responsibility Violet and act how we expect you to."

"So soon?" It's all I could say as I stared at the band engulfing my finger.

Wearing the ring sealed my future to Robert Hawthorne. A man I've never met, nor wished to. It was the last piece of my shackles, binding me for eternity to a life I didn't want to live anymore. That final thought, I don't want to live this anymore, seemed to free me. There was a simple solution to all of this. The numbness would end. I could be free if I just took enough of the courage I had left and ended it all.

"Yes Violet that soon. Do you understand what is expected of you from now on?"

"Yes, it's clear to me this is the only way." I wasn't speaking of my unwanted marriage; I had something else entirely on my mind. And I had to see to it quickly.

Before tears could fall I excused myself, leaving my mother and father in the sitting room.

I entered my room and closed my door firmly behind me, but stood frozen. It was still so unfamiliar to me. I had nowhere to go where I could be alone. Even in my temporary bedroom it felt small to me. I felt my chest tightening as a scream tried to force its way out of me. I clenched my fists together willing myself to keep quiet.

I slowly sat on the floor next to my trunk as I rummaged through my clothes and belongings looking for my journal where I wrote all my stories. I kept it hidden at the bottom of one of my chests. I scrambled on the floor discarding my clothes from the chest to get to the bottom. I flung my clothes haphazardly all over my room. I didn't care, I just had to get it out, to read it. Maybe write something to get my mind off my thoughts.

I had it in my hands holding it to me closely like it was my salvation. I started to open the pages and read what I had written. I came upon an entry in the journal that wasn't a story, but was a small diary entry. I must have been young because my handwriting has matured over the years.

It was like it all came to me at once, my whole life, everything I had been through, hit me. I had failed myself. I let them take my innocence. I was nothing now, just a body following directions. My soul was somewhere in the trash where my parents tossed it.

I couldn't do it anymore, any of it.

Without so much as a second thought, I left my room. I passed through the hallway still in my day dress, clutching my journal to my chest. The tears flowed freely now. I followed the path to the deck making my way out in the freezing night air. I didn't know where I was going or when I would stop but I walked aimlessly until I reached the back of the ship.

There was nowhere else to go, but no one else was here. I was alone, just like I had always been. This was the end, my end. I sat on a bench overlooking the dark ocean. I was shaking now, not from the cold, but the fear of what I was going to do. But I was determined to see it through. For once in my life I would see this through. This was something that I decided on.

I flipped through more pages of my journal reminiscing. Without really thinking about it I ripped a page out and let it fly into the abyss of the sea. The darkness quickly swallowed it, taking it out of my sight. I ripped another, then another, one after one. I felt like I was peeling parts off of myself, finally shedding the shell that once held me. When there were no pages left, I knew. There was one more piece. It was me. I was the last piece that needed to be ripped from this world. I would do it, I had to.

I held firmly to the ice cold bars before me, separating me from the frigid waters below me. I raised my foot to the first bar, then the next. It was simple, just one foot after the other and then it would all be over. I balanced myself over the edge testing myself. Testing the gravity of the finality of what I was doing. Against my best judgment I looked down to the dark waves lapping against the ship.

It wasn't until I really listened to how far down the water was did the fear set in. It wasn't the thought of drowning in the below freezing waters, it was the fall. It was the descent from the deck that made me second guess myself. Would I scream?

If I slip accidently it's not suicide, right? Surely everyone would realize that. My parents would realize sooner or later, I doubt they would tell anyone though. If I just loosen my foot just a little more it will all be over, no more second guessing or thinking. It will just be done.

Just as I released my foot from the bar, I pitched forward more than I thought I would. The feeling that I hated, of falling, swept over me. I brought my foot back to the bar. Could I really do this?

I went to inch myself forward again to see if it would be any easier if I eased myself into it. That's when I felt the presence of someone behind me. Before I could look over my shoulder I heard a familiar voice, one I wasn't expecting to ever hear again. It made me second guess everything. But why?

"Please be careful lass, wha'ever ya thinkin' it's not worth et."

I couldn't back out now. I would just feel like I failed at yet another thing in my miserable life.

"Please leave me alone. You can walk away now and just forget you saw me. I won't exist anymore after it's over with." I didn't dare look back. I knew I'd see the pity on his face. I didn't need his pity, or anyone else's.

"I'm 'fraid I can' do tha'. Please jus' put your foot down and walk ta me." He sounded desperate and pleading, not really what I expected. No pity, just worry. I stole a glance over my shoulder seeing what I heard plastered on his face. He was worried, he actually cared if I died or not.

I still had to stand my ground. I was stubborn, even until the end. "You're making this very difficult. I didn't ask for an audience. It was going to be a clean break."

"A break from wha' lass?"

I wondered if he recognized who I was or even remembered. Would that make a difference? To me it would.

"Them." If he didn't understand what I meant by that one word, then I didn't want to elaborate. It would just prolong what I was doing out here.

"Aye, I see now." It didn't sound like he really understood, but I was grateful for him just going along with it.

"Do you? I'm just another first class girl throwing her life away. You must think I'm pathetic." I said it to myself mostly, I did feel pathetic. If I could see myself I would probably laugh and push myself in. That's one less useless person to worry about.

"No, no. You look sad ta me, is all." He stopped, but I could sense he was thinking about something else to say. As he pondered to himself, I could feel my legs shaking under me. I felt the cold now, I was shivering. I made my hold on the bar falter just the slightest. I was distracted by Tommy's persistence, and it was making me nervous. "Me ma always said 'When ya hit bottom, the only way is up', or some shite like tha'."

I tried not to laugh at the way he embodied his mother, I could picture her clearly just from that one line. Against everything that was going on, it made me smile.

"She sounds like a good mother."

"Aye, she was. Bless 'er soul. Now, please will ya come back over and make me mother proud that I saved de life o' such a handsome lass?"

"There's nothing for me if I go back. Not even a mother like yours. Please I have to do this, all I have to do is let go. It will look like an accident." I was sounding frantic now. Was this really what I wanted?

"Wha' about yer brother? He seemed ta need ya?"

He did remember me. My stomach fluttered a little at the thought that someone remembered me.

But the thought of my brother, leaving him alone, that did it for me. I shook uncontrollably now. The tears and guilt were taking over. I felt my grip loosen on the rail as I shook. Just before I almost lost my grip I felt two warm arms wrap around my waist, setting me firmly on the deck. But he didn't let me go as I clutched on his arm. I didn't want to look at him. I felt selfish for not thinking about Joe. I was a coward. I must have said it out loud because Tommy spoke softly to me.

"You're no' a coward. You're a brave one for not doin' it."

I shook my head. "He needs me. And I didn't even think of him, at all." I sniffled, not wanting to cry anymore. I shook in his arms. There wasn't any space between us as he held his arms around me. He felt my trembling form and he wrapped his coat around the both of us. I turned instinctively into him letting him wrap himself around me. I didn't care that he was a stranger to me. I needed this right now. I've never had it before.

But he wasn't a stranger anymore. Not after he saved me. He saved my life actually. I owed him, big time. He didn't seem to mind that he held me there, I was grateful. But when I felt that I might be taking advantage of his kindness I pulled away to look at him. He seemed to stare at me intently waiting to see what I would say or do next.

"It seems I am in your debt again Mr. Ryan." Keep it professional, I told myself.

"Christ almighty, I told ye' to call me Tommy. You do me a disservice by callin' me by me father's name. And after I saved ye' life no less!"

We laughed together. I could feel the vibration of his laugh resonate through his chest as he looked down at me.

"But really, thank you."

"I'm gla' ya didn' go through wit et."

"I am too. I realize I was being stupid." I scoffed at myself, but he seemed to take it offensively.

"Throwin' yer life away shouldn' be tossed off as stupid, Violet. You felt there was no way out. No one can blame ye for tha'."

"Thank you all the same…Tommy."

He smiled at me. "Now was tha' so hard?"

I shook my head in response.

He saw me shiver again. He rubbed at my arms before releasing me to take his coat off and put it around me.

"Come on, lets ge' ya back."

That was the last thing I wanted to do, but I let him guide me. I would have rather stayed out in the cold with this stranger all night than to go back. We walked side by side towards first class deck, one arm still hung around me. Probably making sure I wouldn't try to jump off again, but I was passed that now. I really felt kind of embarrassed. As we finally reached the entrance to first class I knew he couldn't go any further. Not because I didn't want him to, that was just the way it was.

We stood in silence for a moment, wondering if the other would speak first. I decided it should be me. As I took off his coat to give it back to him he seemed reluctant to take it.

"I'm not far from this door. I should make it to my cabin in no time."

He nodded, accepting that.

More silence.

I extended my hand to say goodbye and to thank him, for everything. He looked at my outstretched hand like it was an insult.

He didn't take my hand but said instead. "Promise you'll see me again. As…uh, thanks fer helpin' ye out."

He must have seen the uncertain look on my face, because before I could answer him he said, "Never mind, tha's not fair o' me to ask a thin' like tha'."

He made to walk away but I stopped him. "I promised Joe I would take him to see you again. Perhaps tomorrow?"

He smiled at me. "Well I dunno if you've noticed love, but it is tomorrow."

"Today then? Where I met you before?"

"Sounds grand. But uh, ye owe me a cigarette…" I stared at him with a confused look on my face, it made him laugh as he explained, "Seein' as I lost mine tryin' to rescue a damsel in distress. Nearly choked on et I did, seein a lady hangin' off the ship."

A/N: I feel I must explain myself here. I realize this is a very similar situation between Rose and Jack, but I thought it was a very important and dramatic moment between the two characters that I wanted to try out a variation of it. I'm pretty pleased with it, but I'd love to hear your opinions. Thanks again. I have a surprise in store for the next chapter. Read and review!