Harry was having the loveliest dream.

He was standing in a field, birds chirping, wind blowing. Ginny Weasley was running towards him, arms out ready for an embrace. Malfoy was also running towards him; Harry grabbed him by the arms and threw him aside like a sack of flour. "Not even in here," he muttered.

Someone was playing Jazz flute; oddly enough, it was Hagrid. Guess the giant had hidden depths.

They embraced "Not you, Hagrid."

"Sorry,'Arry."

Harry and Ginny embraced. Gazing into those lovely eyes, Harry felt lighter than air. Smiling, Ginny leaned forwards opened her mouth, as if to speak sweet nothings into his ear.

Instead, he got an explosion of noise.

Harry jerked awake. Quickly, he dropped the drool-soaked pillow he had previously been caressing and threw open the bed curtains.

"What is that demon?" Ron shouted frantically, hands over his ears.

"You know what a car is, Ronald," Hermione replied, having climbed the stairs to the boy's dormitory. "Don't Flanderise yourself."

"Whose car is it, then?" Harry asked. Several sets of eyes gave Harry a pointed glance. "Oh, right. I'll go talk to him."

Pulling on last night's pants and grabbing his Firebolt, he took a shortcut out the dormitory window, climbing on the broom and pulling up at the last second. Lazily, he drifted over Hogwarts, following the grating noise across the Quidditch field, past Hagrid's Hut, and into the Forbidden Forest.

Setting down, he looked around. Vassago's car was parked under a gnarled oak tree (Trees in the Forbidden Forest are either gnarled, menacing, or dead), but the demon was nowhere to be seen. "Vassago?" he shouted, climbing off the broom and walking towards the car. As he reached out to open the door, the alarm stopped.

"Hello, Harry." The Boy-Who-Lived stiffened, eyes wide, "We meet again," Voldemort said, wand held casually in his hand. "Only this time, for the last time."

"You can't be here," Harry breathed. His hand went to his pants pocket.


"Hey, look, Harry left his wand on the bedside table," Ron said, picking up the item in question and twirling it in his hand.

"Oh, I hope he doesn't need it in a life-or-death situation anytime soon," Hermione replied. "Come on, let's go down to the Great Hall before Crabbe and Goyle get first dibs on the breakfast cereal."

"Damnit! They're always after my Lucky Charms!" Ron snarled, charging for the door leaving Hermione, mystified by Ron's inexplicable Muggle culture reference, in his wake.


"Fuck."

"Bombardo," Harry dove out of the way as a tree branch behind him exploded into smithereens. Rolling across the hood of Vassago's car, he ducked another curse.

"Shitshitshitshitshit."

"You could fight back, Potter. This isn't really much fun for me," Voldemort called patronizingly.

Harry peered over the hood. The Dark Lord was advancing slowly towards the car. He grabbed a rock and hurled it, striking Snake-Eyes right in the dome.

"You little whelp! Do you think a rock can stop me?"

He didn't get to finish, as Harry had taken his chance while Voldemort was disorganized to dash to the trunk of the car, open it, and pull out a 12-gauge shotgun. "No, but this will," Harry said, before letting go with both barrels.

Voldemort jerked back, straightening slowly. He glanced down at the massive hole in his midsection. "You cheated," he said, stepping forwards.

Harry smiled. "If you wanted a fair fight, you shouldn't have kept your trunk gun lying around."

Voldemort smiled, his features shifting, hair sprouting from his head. The hole in his stomach shrunk as the Dark Lord's figure grew taller. "Fair point," Vassago said, pulling off the robe and throwing it into the bushes, "But you should've used your powers."

"Left my wand in the dorm," Harry said, rubbing his neck, cheeks red.

"Rookie mistake," the demon replied, producing a pack of cigarettes from his coat pocket. "It's been a long time since we've seen one another."

"You picked me up from the Dursleys," Harry responded, confused. "You spent the rest of the summer at the Burrow."

"Yeah, but the latter happened off-page, and there was, like, a twelve-month gap between that chapter and the next."

"What?"

"Forget it. You ready for the new year?"

"I can barely contain my excitement," Harry replied deadpan.

"Don't worry, with me here, and Dumbledore healthy and strong as ever, you're in safe hands."

"That's not as reassuring as you think it is," Harry said. "By the way, nice ring."

"Thanks, it's a Horcrux."

"A what?"

"You'll find out soon enough."


The next time Harry saw Vassago, it was under less than ideal circumstances.

"Out of order?" Harry asked, pulling down the sign on the door. "Son of a-" he pounded on the door. "Vassago!"

"Is that the Land Shark?"

"Stop fucking around, I have to go."

"Now's not a good time."

"Potter!" Snape had been on his way to the dungeons when he spotted the Bane of His Existence. "Shouldn't you be in Charms?"

"I would, but I'm in the middle of something," Harry replied.

"Ten points from Gryffindor. Just what do you mean?" The professor asked, moving forwards.

"Vassago won't let me use the loo."

Great, the Second Bane of My Existence, Snape thought. He stepped forward and rapped on the door. "Demon! Let Mr. Potter go about his… business."

"No can do!" Vassago's chipper voice called back. "The floors are mighty slippery, and constitute a safety hazard."

"For the love of-" Snape said, his bucket of fucks runneth dry. "I'm coming in!" He grabbed the door and threw it open. A second later, a tentacle flew out and grabbed the Slytherin Head of House around the waist, pulling him in before he had a chance to scream.

"Merlin!" Harry shouted, urge to piss set aside as he peered through the doorway. "Is that the Giant Squid from the lake?"

"Yep!" Vassago replied, "Some students complained about the weak water flow, so I upped the pressure on the sinks in here, and she got pulled through the pipes."

"Twenty points from Gryffindor!" Snape shouted as the squid flailed him about overhead.

"Snape! Don't move!" The demon raised a harpoon gun. "She gets agitated at the sound of insufferable douchebags."

Harry stepped back and slammed the door shut. He decided to use the bathroom on the fifth-floor hallway instead.

Oh, that Vassago, always getting into some crazy shenanigans! What'll he do next? Why am I asking you?