Thank you so much for all of the lovely reviews, I can't tell you what it means to me to know that people are enjoying this story so much. It was actually a lot harder than I thought to write - getting Percival and Leon to talk is hard work!
Percival rested his elbows on the stonework and gazed out across Camelot. He was up on one of the highest turrets he could find, determined to find the solitude that he was craving in order to process what was going through his mind. All the usual hiding spots seemed to be taken by his friends. Elyan was in the armoury trying to avoid Merlin, Merlin was in the library trying to avoid Arthur – although the largest of the knights was sure it wasn't the king he was really hiding from, but Gwaine. It had been a couple of days since the man's collapse, and although Gwaine was slowly losing the haunted look in his eye, he was by no means okay yet. Gaius had forbidden him from training for a week or so, determined to give him time in order to let his body recover physically from what it had been put through during his time as Morgana's prisoner. They all knew that once he could hold a sword without trembling (Arthur was still kicking himself for not noticing before), his mental recovery would be well on the way. But somehow, Gwaine seemed to have taken it upon himself to be Merlin's shadow, and Percival knew that the servant had had enough.
It was funny now he was thinking about it. None of them wanted to admit that they were struggling to deal with what happened this time, yet all were determined to see the anguish in the others' faces, to use them as an excuse. It put off thinking about what their own personal situation was in order to be able to help a friend. Percival was a practical man, he knew that their bonds of friendship were going to be what got them through this at the end of the day, but he also knew that they were going to be lucky not to kill themselves in the process of pretending nothing was wrong.
He was no exception to the rule, it was why he was up here in the first place when dawn was only just beginning to break. He knew the others were suffering from nightmares over what had happened to them, but he had somehow managed to escape that. Possibly because nothing truly had happened to him, not in the same way as it had the others. He hadn't been tortured, either physically or mentally. He hadn't been forced to run in the way Arthur and Merlin had. If he was honest, Percival wasn't completely sure what had happened to him. He knew that he had been with the king, his servant and Elyan as they had fled. He knew that Morgana had been coming after them, the traitor Aggravaine at her side.
But after that... if he was honest, Percival wasn't quite sure. He was sure that the witch must have cast some sort of magic on them, for the next thing he knew, he had been flying through the air. He supposed he must have hit his head on something, for when he next became aware of his surroundings, dawn was just beginning to break, and he was alone. Somehow, he had fallen to one side, the verge giving way to a gentle slope and he had been sent rolling down it. He didn't realise in that moment the tumble might have saved his life, for it meant that Morgana and her men didn't so much as see a glimpse of the largest knight. But by the time he had climbed out, one hand pressed tenderly to the wound on his head, Percival knew that any chances of him reuniting himself with the king were long gone. If he was lucky, it was because the others had managed to get away. If he wasn't so lucky...No, Percival couldn't afford to think like that. Merlin would keep Arthur safe, he always did.
Taking a deep breath, the knight let his fingers dig into the rough stonework, trying to calm himself. It took a lot to work Percival to anger, but Morgana was one of the few things that did. Thinking back to what he had said to Gwaine, Percival forced himself to stay calm. For all of his size and strength, he had been helpless to do anything to aid the falling city. But it wasn't the first time he had been forced to watch those he cared about suffer and die at the hands of his enemies whilst he could do nothing. Last time, Lancelot had arrived just in time to stop him doing anything foolish, but Percival had sworn on that day that nothing would make him feel as helpless as he had then.
Yet Morgana had managed it. She had reduced the knight to stumbling around the woods in a daze, exhausted and with his vision weaving whilst he tried to find some trace of where the others had gone. He had clearly been out for hours, yet found himself desperately hoping that someone was almost going to spring out of a bush and tell him what he could do to help.
In a way, that was almost what Leon had done. Except for rather than springing out of a bush, he had approached with his sword drawn and a fighting spirit in his eyes that Percival could only reflect. He had seen the knight stumbling around, lowered hte sword looking astonished, and then rushed to help as Percival had weaved unpleasantly on the spot. Some food and a compress for his head later, and the an was feeling a lot better, but it still didn't shake the feeling that he had been utterly helpless to stop whatever had happened to Arthur. Morgana could have dragged him back in chains, or killed him out here in the forest, all whilst Percival was lying unconscious at the bottom of a slope. It had been a blessing that there was so much to do in order to try and keep the townspeople safe, for Percival wasn't sure whether even his superior knight would have been able to stop him doing something foolish this time, like trying to take back the castle on his own. He could fight, he had weapons, chainmail, friends and knowledge of the surrounding area. But just like before, he had been unable to do anything whilst his friends and those he now considered to be his family suffered.
Of course, it didn't help on their return at finding just how much Elyan and Gwaine were struggling, something that was only revealed as time went on. Percival had felt alright when they had taken Camelot back and had slept well that night. But now... now he was being troubled more than he anticipated, the scene with Gwaine not exactly helping matters. What was the point of being a knight when all he did was stand on the sidelines and watch his friends get hurt whilst he could do nothing about it?
Luckily, the sound of footsteps drew Percival from his musings before he could go too far, and the man glanced over his shoulder in order to see Leon appearing from a doorway. Glancing back out across the landscape, Percival tried to dismiss the man simply by not acknowledging his presence, instead noting the way the sun was now high in the sky. It wasn't that he had anything against the knight – he was a good man and proven himself to be a true friend – but he was the one who had witnessed Percival at his most helpless. Leon had immediately taken charge in the siege, leading the townspeople to safety and then making sure they stayed that way. When Percival had appeared, he had simply issued orders to his fellow knight, and Percival had dutifully carried them out as normal. Once again, he had to rely on others taking the lead in order to be any use to anyone. So whilst Elyan was hiding from Merlin and Merlin was hiding from Gwaine, Percival had to admit that he had been hoping to hide from Leon. Unfortunately, he had failed.
"There you are. You know, I swear I've been scouring this castle since dawn for you?"
Percival was barely able to hide his smile as Leon came to stand next to him, mirroring his position and staring out over the kingdom. Maybe he had been hiding better than he had thought? He didn't say anything, but knew that Leon wouldn't mind. Percival had never been the most vocal of the knights, preparing to listen and offer his words when he knew they would be heeded rather than just saying something for the sake of hearing his own voice. He had been like it his whole life, making him something of an outsider when he was a child because of his size.
"What are you doing up here?"
"Thinking." Percival muttered noncommittally, not wanting the man to know that he was thinking about how much he had failed Arthur. He had barely even made it to the woods when he had been separated from them. Maybe if he hadn't fallen down that slope, if they had been made to face him first, Elyan would have been spared all that he had gone through?
"Uh oh..." Leon muttered, turning sideways so that he was looking at Percival's profile. The man knew that he must be showing what he was thinking in his body language, he could feel the tension in his shoulders, the way one arm hung stiffly down his side whilst the other rested against the stonework. But his fingers were digging in hard, the tension more than obvious. Percival could feel Leon's eyes on him, knew that he was about to be subjected to a load of questions about how he was feeling that he wouldn't be sure how to answer.
Therefore it came as something of a surprise when no words came. Instead, Leon's hand moved until he had picked up Percival's. The knight just gaped at his friend, wondering what the man was doing as Leon slowly began working his fingers. He uncurled one, bending it back and forth a few times before letting it fall and repeating the process with the next. Once he had done that, he then set to work on rotating Percival's wrist, forcing him to relax despite himself.
"If you stay this tense, you're going to strain something the next time you hold your sword." He said quietly, not meeting Percival's eye as he forced the man to rotate his shoulder. Leon's hand was pressing into the back of his shoulder blade, and Percival grunted as something suddenly clicked, but he felt his arm feel a lot lighter than before. Leon finally withdrew his hand.
"Just as I thought, the beginning of a trapped nerve. A knight should always make sure his arm is ready and useable, for what good is a sword without a hand to hold it?"
Percival didn't respond, just glared in the opposite direction. Was that just another thing that he was no good at then? He couldn't even be a knight properly?
"What is it?"
"Nothing."
"Considering you are the one who forced Gwaine of all people to open up, I would have thought that you would have taken your own advice." There was nothing accusing in Leon's voice in the slightest, merely concern, but Percival glared in the opposite direction. Even so, he consciously made the point of easing the tension out of his other hand. There was something so relaxing about having the nerves released that Percival was worried he would just break down there and then if Leon set to work on the other hand. He still couldn't bring himself to say what was really going on in his mind though, but his eyes had softened as he stared out across the kingdom.
"It's nothing." He eventually muttered quietly. Compared to what the others were going through, what was feeling a little helpless compared to being tortured or locked up for a week with having to just hope that there was a rescue coming? Leon, apparently was as good at reading in between the lines as he was about teaching them how to be knights.
"You know you are talking to the man that had to oversee our king's training when he was fifteen and determined to prove himself to his father?" There was a quiet note in Leon's voice that made Percival finally make eye contact. There had been something about the way that Leon had said that which made Percival listen. He had a feeling that not only could that side of Arthur not have been easy to deal with (he was bad enough now), but that Leon had rarely spoken of it.
"So..?" Percival prompted. He wasn't trying to sound rude or anything like that, but for the life of him he couldn't work out why Leon had just told him that.
"So I heard the word "nothing" as an answer to almost everything I asked. And if there was one thing I learnt, it was that nothing meant something. Meaning there is something on your mind, something that for some reason, you don't want to tell me. Am I right?"
Percival made to shrug, but then caught himself with a grin. No doubt Leon would have learnt that meant "yes" as well.
"Maybe." He opted for saying, not really wanting to talk about it, but slowly getting the feeling that he wasn't going to have a choice in the matter. After all, he hadn't exactly given Gwaine the choice, and yet it had been precisely what the man had needed. Was it what he needed as well? How could he need the same thing as someone who had truly suffered at the witch's hands rather than skulking about in the woods and not being much use to anyone?
"Percival." There was the merest hint of a warning in Leon's voice, a sign that Percival had come to recognise. It normally made itself apparent when Leon was dealing with Gwaine, but it meant that he was about to pull rank. Not through any desire to remind his friends of who was the one with the most authority, but because he cared enough to order them to tell him what was wrong in order for him to then fix it. Although this time, Percival wasn't sure whether there was anything there to fix, or whether it was all just in his head.
"It's nothing." He repeated stubbornly, glancing at Leon out of the corner of his eye and knowing in one look the man didn't believe him. "Okay, so it's not, but I can handle it."
"That's why you are hiding at the top of the castle alone then?"
"Leave it, Leon."
"No, tell me what is wrong? You did well out there, not that many would have survived if it wasn't your knowledge of the woods and what things were edible or not. I've never met anyone with that amount of knowledge – Gaius doesn't count -, you saved lives out there."
Somehow, hearing that his fellow knight was thinking the exact opposite to him about his actions did nothing to improve Percival's temper.
"So I collected a few herbs whilst everyone else was in the fight for their lives. Elyan and Gwaine were trying to keep each other and Gaius alive. Merlin was trying to keep Arthur alive, who was attempting to think of a way of taking Camelot back. You were the one to lead the people out here, you were the one to organise the whole camp whereas I... I..."
"Yes?"
"I did nothing! I got myself knocked out with one simple spell and would still probably be wandering around in the woods if it wasn't for you finding me!"
"I knew it wasn't nothing." Leon said softly, the smallest of smiles playing across his face. Percival just gaped at him for a moment, but then realised what the man had meant. It had only taken one small prompt on Leon's behalf before the largest knight had spilled all that had been troubling him, regardless of the fact that he had been going to adamantly refuse to do such a thing.
"Forget I said anything?" He muttered, a blush working its way over his cheeks. He felt like such a child, complaining that it wasn't fair he didn't get to save as many lives as everyone else. If this had been the first time, he would have been embarrassed. But Percival was fed up of being on the sidelines whilst watching everyone he cared about suffer and die yet there being nothing he could do. What was the point of being a knight if he still couldn't protect those that meant something to him?
"No chance." Leon retorted, the look on his face indicating that Percival was foolish to even think such a thing. "Why do you think that we don't care how you are feeling? You're the one to get through to Gwaine, you are the one who made him calm down. He needed you. Why is it that you decided you didn't need us in the same way."
"Nothing happened to me!"
"It most certainly did!" Whilst it might have been rare for Percival to sound angry, it was even rarer for the chief knight to lose his temper. Percival wondered whether that was something to do with what he had mentioned before about having to help train their king as a teenager. But he had just raised his voice a fraction that Percival knew meant he was in trouble. Yet he had to smile. He was in trouble for not taking care of himself, for not going to his friends, and Leon was furious about it. How many people could get a telling off for not breaking down?
"You were driven from your home, isolated and wounded..." Percival found himself freezing, not actually being sure what time Leon was talking about. After all, those exact circumstances were how he had come to meet Lancelot and through him, the rest of the men he now considered to be family. He didn't even hear the rest of what Leon was saying, instead only noticing the roaring in his ears as he tried to block out memories he didn't particularly want to relive again.
"...you think you were the only one who felt like they did nothing?"
"I was the only one! You saved those people, Leon, you got them out of Camelot. How can you tell me that I actually made a difference?"
"Stop it!" Leon snapped, and this time, Percival obeyed the order. "You went through the same as everyone else. Maybe you aren't jumping at shadows the way Elyan is, or maybe you aren't fighting men in your mind the way Gwaine is. But you still suffered in her attack, and you by no means have the right to pretend that this hasn't affected you!"
Percival turned his gaze back out over the kingdom, a flush working up his neck. Was Leon right? If he was honest, Percival had no idea. But he had never truly opened up about what he had witnessed before coming to Camelot, and the attack had opened old wounds. He couldn't bring himself to meet Leon's eyes, and as his hands came to rest back on the stone, he felt Leon's eyes on them. They were no clenching in the way they were before, but they were trembling slightly.
"Talk to me, Percival, what is it that is troubling you?"
"Honestly?" Percival muttered, feeling the flush begin to cover his cheeks a little. "I don't know. I just feel like I should have done something more to protect them. I shouldn't have let Gwaine stay behind on his own. I shouldn't have been knocked out by that fall! I shouldn't have let them take Elyan, I should have done something to stop Aggravaine from following them, I should...are you laughing at me?" Stunned, Percival broke off to find Leon's shoulders shaking. The man made to shake his head, then nodded.
"One, that is the most I've ever heard you say in one go. And two, you are the sixth person to say that to me. Merlin, Elyan, Gwaine and even Arthur have all said the same thing. You are by no means responsible for anything that happened. Fate dealt us its hand, we lost a round. We won the game though, didn't we?" Leon squeezed Percival's shoulder, offering him a reassuring smile before turning away. He didn't go anywhere though, but just rested his hands against the stone and turned his gaze out towards the kingdom.
"We got her back, that's all that matters. You played your part in that, Sir Percival, and don't you ever forget it. Without you, Camelot still might be lost."
Percival didn't answer verbally, he just softly nodded, a small smile on his face. He wasn't sure how much he believed Leon, but he did know that it had helped. Something had been lifted from him, and he realised that it was him finally accepting that he wasn't alone in this. It didn't matter that they all might have gone through different things. At the end of the day, they had still all gone through it. Thinking back on what Leon said beforehand, Percival frowned.
"Who was the sixth?"
"Hmm?"
"You said six people had said it. You listed four, and me makes five. Who was the last?"
Leon didn't answer, just raised an eyebrow slightly, and Percival found his own hand coming to rest on the man's shoulder.
"You're right. We did all we could." It had started off as him trying to reassure Leon in the way the man had done for him, but Percival found that he believed his own words for the first time in weeks. They had done all they could, and no one would have expected him to do more.
He just had to come to terms with that.
