Chapter 4

Carlisle told me that it would be best for me to stay in the hospital for the night, in case I took a turn for the worse. As much as I hated hospitals, I was glad. I was really nervous about seeing Esme again, after all these years. I didn't know how much Carlisle had told her about me and my current situation. Luckily, I was so doped up with pain medication, that I wasn't having any withdrawal symptoms, so, I could get some sleep.

Carlisle woke me the next morning, and told me it was time for us to leave. He led me out to his car, which was waiting at the front entrance for me. He helped me into the back seat, so I could lie down and rest on the short journey. After only a few minutes, we turned off the highway, and made our way down a meandering country path. I wasn't surprised; the Cullen's liked their privacy, and it didn't get more private than this.

The Cullen's new home reminded me of the one back in Forks. It was beautiful and secluded. The garden was filled with beautiful cedar trees and pretty rose bushes – no doubt planted, lovingly by Esme. I hovered by the front porch, scared to enter the beautiful old home, until Carlisle gently encouraged me.

"Go on in Bella, Esme just can't wait to see you again."

As if on cue, Esme appeared at the doorway, looking beautiful as ever, smiling at me.

"Oh Bella!" she choked out. "I've missed you so much. Come here my dear."

She was so much like my mother, it hurt. I walked towards her, as slowly as I possibly could. She wrapped her arms around me, and began to sob, dry, tearless vampire sobs. My own eyes filled with tears in response. I wasn't used to feeling cared for, and I wasn't expecting such a show of affection. I was sure the Cullens would have moved on by now – I was just an insignificant human girl, after all.

"Hi, Esme. It's nice to see you again."

"I never thought I would see you again, Bella, but now my family is complete again. I'm so happy." she said, and, I noticed Carlisle give her a cautious look.

Here family? I wasn't family. Her 'son' had dated me for a few months, before he got bored and left me, alone and heartbroken. I was hardly family.

"Bella will just be with us for a short while Esme. She needs to rest, and I thought you could keep a close eye on her. You know how much she hates hospitals."

"Of course. I'm sorry Bella. This must all be a little overwhelming for you, I'm just so happy to see you again."

"It's fine Esme. It's nice knowing that someone cares." I said sincerely.

The look on Esme's face was one of pity and sadness. I hated being pitied. It drove me crazy. The pity in the eyes of my dad and the few friends I'd had in Forks had been part of the reason I turned to drugs in the first place. I needed to escape, and drugs were my release. Drugs. I hadn't thought about my habit until that moment, but as soon as I did, I began to crave. I didn't want Esme to see me, to think badly of me and what I'd become. I told her I was tired, and would like to sleep, if that was OK. She looked concerned, but showed me to my room. Carlisle followed after us, supplying me with a large dose of morphine for my pain. I was grateful. I knew tomorrow would be a hard day, they were going to ask me questions I didn't want to answer, but in that moment, I was happy to be with them, in a real home, with people who had cared about me.

I woke up to the sound of birdsong. It was beautiful, and a welcome change to the usual morning sounds of domestic disputes and heavy traffic, I had grown accustomed to at my own apartment. I noticed a fresh glass of water had been placed on the night stand, by Esme, I assumed and I drank it greedily. Carlisle must have heard me stir because he came and gave me a fresh dose of morphine for my pain. I took a long, hot shower – a luxury for me and I dressed in the clothes which had been left for me, again, I thought, by Esme.

I sat in the big, brown armchair across the room from my bed, and let my mind wander. I wondered who's room this was. There were no obvious signs, to let me know, so, I gave up, when there was a light knock on the door.

"Bella, its Esme, may I come in?"

"Of course, Esme, go ahead."

"How are you feeling dear?"

"OK. Carlisle gave me some more pain medication before he left. It seems to be doing the trick."

"That's good dear. I know you must be feeling awful right now, but do you mind if we talk?"

"What would you like to know Esme?"

"Carlisle has told me what happened to you, the attack I mean. I'm so sorry Bella its such an awful thing to happen. Would you like to talk about it?"

"I don't really remember much about it Esme. I suppose I was lucky that I passed out. Carlisle told me that I was beaten unconscious. I've obviously been cut, and I was..was, well you know, but I don't really remember much, and to be honest, I'd rather not think about it too much."

"OK dear, but please know, I'm here for you if you ever feel like talking about it."

"I Know."

"And Bella, there's something else."

Oh no. I saw it coming; the conversation I was hoping to avoid.

"Bella dear, he told me that he could smell heroin in your system, and that when he examined you, he found track marks on your arms. How long have you been taking drugs, honey?"

"Um, almost 5 years." I looked down.

"Oh no! This is all our fault, if only we ha-"

I cut in. "Esme, it isn't your fault. Things happen. How many girls get dumped every day? Not all of them end up drug addicts. It's entirely my fault. No one forced the needle into my arm."

"Oh Bella. We've failed you. If only we had stayed, we could have take care of you."

"Esme please, no blame. It happened, and there's no point going over it again."

"If you wish. Carlisle and I have been talking, and we're going to help you through this. Carlisle will pull some strings and get you into a good program. You'll be back to yourself in no time."

"I can't let you do that Esme. Those program's are so expensive , and besides, the drugs are the only things keeping me going, without them, my existence would be totally unbearable."

"I don't understand. Don't you want to be well again Bella?"

Of course, she wouldn't understand. She had never been deserted by her true love, left behind by the family she longed to be a part of. How could she understand?

"Esme, the only time I'm ever truly free from the pain is when I'm high. Sometimes, I have the most beautiful visions, they're so real, and the pain leaves me, for a while. If I had no drugs, I would just be left with my suffering 24/7, and that would be unbearable."

"Oh, my Bella. I just can't believe this has happened to you. You must let us help you."

"If you really knew me, you wouldn't want to be in the same room with me, let alone help me. I'm not the same Bella you left back in Forks 5 years ago."

"I know, Bella, and I love you just the same. I've always thought of you as my daughter and that hasn't changed."

"Esme, I'm a junkie, a dirty filthy junkie, and a prostitute. You should throw me out right now, and have nothing more to do with me.

"I can't do that Bella. You're family, whether you like it or not. We all love you, and we'd do anything in our power to help you."

"That's no true."

"It is Bella, please understand, you may not have our name, but you are a Cullen."

"That's sweet Esme, untrue, but sweet anyway. But, that's not what I meant. You said you all loved me, but that's not true. Edward doesn't love me, he never did. I was nothing, but a science project to him. The only girl whose mind he couldn't read. The girl with the powerful blood."

"Bella, you couldn't be more wrong."

Couldn't be more wrong? What was she talking about. I had been there in the woods five years ago. He had told me I was no good for him, he didn't want me. I wasn't surprised of course; I knew he was too good for me, but I was surprised that he didn't seem to have any feelings for me at all. I had thought, perhaps deluded myself into thinking, that he at least cared about me a little. The realisation that I had been mistaken, ripped my heart in two, and it was still broken.

"It's OK Esme, you don't need to spare my feelings like that. I know he didn't really feel anything for me."

"Bella, you're wrong, I will explain to you, if you'll let me."

I was about to tell her that there was no point, that Edward had made his feelings clear back in Forks, when the sound of a car cruising towards the house, interrupted me.

"Oh" Esme said, surprised. "Bella, you have to believe me, we didn't plan this."

"What are you talking about?"

"Bella, it's Edward. It seems he, Alice and Jasper have cut their vacation short."

I began to hyperventilate, then everything went black.