Chapter 4 – Love and Regret

'The more time I spent with him, the more I realized I was falling in love…'


San Francisco – December 1941

Time passed by quickly for Erika and the other engines. It seemed like she had arrived only yesterday. It was the holiday season and the station was busier than usual. It had gotten to the point where the three Daylights couldn't keep up and they had to bring in Alice, much to Elena's display. She moaned and groaned every time the old Challenger was coupled to the coaches. She mentioned how she would biff and bash them and how rough she was. Her criticism was starting to take a toll on Alice's sanity. Luckily, the return of Glen put an end to the Daylight's constant bitching.

One day, Erika's fireman decided to pull a prank on Sam. He attached mistletoe just above Erika's head. She watched him, "What are you doing, Andrew?" she asked.

"Oh, you just wait," he answered. When the mistletoe was ready, Andrew went to go get Sam. Erika smiled once she saw her driver. Over the course of the year, the two had become closer. He would often stay with her after hours, even after a long, hard journey. They'd talk about almost anything and anyone, the controller, the other engines, whatever came up. She felt her cheeks getting hotter once he and Andrew approached her. "Hey Sam, I found a scratch on Erika, you mind double checking for me?"

Sam raised an eyebrow, "You called me in here for that?" he asked.

"Oh you know how these Daylights are, they must look perfect or else they won't work."

Sam sighed. He climbed onto her cowcatcher and scanned Erika's face. His face was so close to hers. Erika's heart was racing, her face was so hot, she felt she was about to burst. Her driver could only smile when he saw the mistletoe above them. "Really, Drew?"

Andrew laughed, "You know what that means!"

Sam grinned and looked at Erika; he didn't seem to notice her blush or extreme nervousness. "Well, looks like I have no other choice. Merry Christmas, girl," he kissed her forehead softly. Erika could have died, she was so happy. She was on Cloud 9 and she hoped she'd never come down.

While Erika was enjoying her high, two other engines were in a moment of their own. Elena looked into Glen's dark eyes lovingly. She was happy to have her Big Boy back. He and his brother had returned to California to help with holiday shipments; neither engine mind however. He had been assigned to work up and down California's bay area while Aaron was in LA. Glen smiled softly at the Daylight, "I missed you, Elena, so much."

Elena smiled seductively at him, "I've missed you too, Big Boy." She approached him slowly and pressed her lips against his. Normally, they wouldn't do it out in the open but Elena couldn't contain herself. She hadn't seen him most of the year and his absence had made her tense. She released her frustrations onto him; she kissed Glen harder.

He backed up a little, "Whoa girl, calm down."

Elena blushed, she felt ashamed, "I'm sorry." She saw Erika and Aaron kiss like that and she thought he'd be into it.

"You were never one to like it rough... I kinda like it. I figured you were too much of a lady for stuff like that."

Elena grinned, "I'm just full of surprises."

The two kissed again. If Elena wanted force, Glen was going to give it to her. He kissed her firmly. The Daylight let herself become overpowered by the Big Boy. His kisses became more rapid and harder as he began to push her back. Elena's face turned red, her lips were getting tired and sore, and her brakes made an awful screech. But she didn't care, she loved it. She was often the one in control and it was a nice change to play the submissive role. She loved the way he exerted his dominance on her. He paused for a moment, letting his love recover; she was dazed and out of breath. "Oh how I've missed you, girl," Glen whispered.

She looked at him; she could tell he had some built up tension that needed releasing too. Elena became worried, "What if we get caught?"

He gave her a stern look, "I don't care anymore." He closed his eyes and went in for more and the Daylight willingly gave it to him. She was ready to give him everything.

Erika was chuffing around the depot happily; she didn't even have anything to do and she didn't care. The man she secretly had a crush on had kissed her. She had never felt like this before but she liked it. Maybe this is how love felt. She noticed her sister and Glen in their usual spot doing their usual thing but something made her stop, something was different. She noticed the two were being rather aggressive with each other. Erika smirked and continued on her way.


"I knew Elena wasn't the dainty, high-class engine she claimed to be. She was as rough as I am deep down, maybe even rougher. I wonder if Edith was like that. Too bad I never got the chance to ask her though."


That evening, Erika and Sam were having another one of their late night conversations. It annoyed the hell out of the other engines but they ignored them. Her driver stood up, "It's getting late, Erika. It's going on 1am and I need to get home and sleep." He said.

Erika pouted. She didn't want him to go and always did her best to make him stay longer, regardless of how late or tired he was. "Hey, Sam?" she asked. Her driver looked at her and she continued, "What do you want for Christmas?"

Sam was thrown. He was expecting to get asked one of her usual questions about life and love. Sometimes he wondered if she was an engine or a human trapped in one. "Well, I uh," he thought about it. He was so busy with work that he it hadn't crossed his mind. "I'll be happy with anything you get me, Erika. What do you want?"

'You…' she thought and sighed. "If only…"

"Erika?"

His voiced snapped her out of her thoughts, "Oh, I mean - - um… I don't know? Spending time with you is good enough for me!" Erika mentally cursed herself for saying that.

Sam chuckled, "Well then, you've made my job easier."

She wasn't really sure what he meant but, if it meant they could spend more time together, then she didn't care. Sam noticed the mistletoe was still hanging above her face, "You getting tired of that thing on your face yet?"

The Daylight looked up, she had completely forgotten about it. An idea came to her and a sly grin formed on her face. "You want to take it down for me? It's getting itchy."

"Alright," he climbed up onto her cowcatcher. Sam realized his error as soon as his face was close to hers. He sighed playfully. Erika's smile was so wide it could have split her face in half. "Looks like you got me."

"Hey, I don't make the rules."

"Goodnight, Erika." Sam kissed her forehead again before taking the mistletoe down and departing. As she slept, Erika dreamt of Sam. She dreamt about him telling her how he felt, his kind smile, his blue eyes looked lovingly into her own. 'I love you, Erika.'

"I love you too, Sam…" she mumbled in her sleep.


"I didn't think there was a problem with me being in love with a human. As long as we cared for each other, what else mattered?"


The next morning, Erika was bound for Los Angeles again. The weather was cold and drizzly. Erika could see her own breath. As she waited for her crew to arrive she noticed Edith was waking up. "Edith, you ever been in love?" Erika asked.

Her big sister was surprised, "Where'd that come from?"

"Well…" the blue-eyed Daylight paused. There was no way in hell she was going to confess her feelings to Edith, or Elena for that matter. She didn't know if Edith knew about Elena and Glen's relationship either and the last thing she wanted to do was bust her.

The eldest Daylight groaned, "Have you seen Elena and Glen? I can't believe those two! They could at least have the common curtsey to find a secluded spot. I'd rather not have to worry about rolling into one of their make-out sessions."

"So, you've never been in love then?"

"Sister, I'm a Daylight; I don't have time for that. Even though dozens of engines have fallen for me," her expression softened. "However, there was this one engine. He was a 4-8-4 from the Santa Fé Railway. I don't remember his name. I don't know how it happened or what he said but he somehow got me alone one night…" Edith bit her lower lip; she was blushing slightly. "Damn…" her voice trailed off. Erika grinned; it seemed Edith had a heart after all.

Soon Erika's crew arrived and she was getting ready to leave for Los Angeles. As she waited for Lady the controller arrived. He was a tall lanky man; his skin had a yellowish tint to it. Erika never really did get a good look at his face but she figured he was somewhere in his 40's. Sam stuck his head out of the cab as he approached. "Need something, boss?" he asked.

"You're going to have to deliver some packages to Santa Barbara. They were supposed to go with Alice but they didn't get attached to the train." The controller said.

Erika was horrified. She didn't pull freight, she pulled passengers. What if the cars damaged her coaches? What if they were too heavy and she broke a cylinder? What would others say when they saw a Daylight pulling a freight train? She'd be a mockery of the railway, a disgrace to her sisters. "Excuse me, Sir," she called.

The controller turned towards her; he clearly wasn't in the mood, "What is it, Erika?"

"Sir, can't Glen do it? Isn't that what he's here for?"

"He's already delivering stuff to the Port of Oakland. You're the only engine heading south and these packages need to be in Santa Barbara ASAP."

"But Siiiiir, I'm a passenger engine, not a freight engine! It's not my job to - -"

"You will do as you're told, Erika. Edith will take care of your passengers."

"But I'll be a disgrace to the railway! What will people think when they see a premier steam engine pulling a goods train?" she continued to whine as the controller exited. "Sir, this isn't fair! You can't make me do this! I don't wanna!"

Sam laughed at the Daylight's misery. "Orders are orders, Erika. It's not all bad; we'll be able to test your strength. Plus, you don't have to be as gentle with freight like you do with coaches."

Erika sluggishly made her way to Santa Barbara. Sure, she could have gone faster since there were no stops to make but she wanted to show everyone how much pain she was in. She didn't care if she was late or if she got in trouble. Every time her driver attempted to pick up her speed, she'd just reduce it again and it was beginning to annoy him. "You're not being very useful, Erika."

"I don't care; I don't want to do this."

"Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to."

"I shouldn't have to."

"Well, the world doesn't revolve around you. You need to be more considerate towards others. I had plans tonight, but I guess they'll have to be canceled since you're taking your sweet time getting to Santa Barbara."

Erika's anger faded. She didn't want to inconvenience him or anyone else other than the controller, especially not Sam. "I'm sorry, Sam." She said sadly, "I'll go faster."

"Thank you, Erika."

Once Erika reached the station in Santa Barbara, she was quickly uncoupled from her train and it was pushed off to a siding to be unloaded. The Daylight quickly made her way to Los Angeles; she wanted to make up for time she had wasted being childish. She pulled into the station just before the sun started to set. Erika took a deep breath; she was tired and worn out. She had gone just a little too fast and almost jumped the track a few times; regardless she made it. "I'm sorry," she said again. "I hope you don't have to cancel your plans."

Sam looked ahead of them, he saw Vanessa in the distance with Aaron, "No, not at all. Let's get you to the shed so you can rest. You did well today despite the delay from earlier."

Erika smiled, "Ok." She was so relieved that he wasn't still angry with her. Alice was in the shed resting peacefully. Her green eyes slowly opened once she saw Erika backing into the spot next to her.

"Why hello dear, I haven't seen you in a long time!"

"I could say the same. They're really putting you to work."

The old Challenger laughed, "I've been put through worse. These passenger trains are nothing compared to the dozens of goods I've pulled. It is a nice change though. I haven't pulled coaches in a long time, especially since the war began. When I heard a Daylight was on its way here, I prayed it wasn't Elena. That girl is so rude and bossy."

"Glen is there now, so she's calmed down."

"I don't know how he deals with it."

"People act differently when they're in love."

"Speaking of which," a sly smile formed on her face, "What's going on with you? You've been acting very strange these past few days."

Erika's eyes widened, "Have I?"

"Don't be silly Erika, I've seen you. We all have. You're always wandering around the depot with your head in the clouds. And, when someone talks to you, you're totally out of it. So, spill it, what's going on?"

Erika didn't know what to say. She didn't think she was that obvious. She wanted to tell someone about her crush, but could she trust Alice? "I um… I - - I," Erika felt her cheeks heat up; she struggled to find the words.

"It's alright dear, you can tell me anything."

"I… I like - - no, I'm in love with my driver…" she said as quietly as she could.

The color had drained from Alice's face. She hadn't expected that, this was bad. "Erika!"

"I get so happy when I see him. I love our late night conversations. I love everything about him! Andrew hung some mistletoe over my head yesterday, he brought Sam in… He kissed me, twice. I could have died."

"Erika… Does he feel the same?"

"I don't know, but I think he does. He's always telling me how beautiful I am, he likes being with me."

"Erika, he's your driver, a human. You can't - -"

Erika became angry, "So what? As long as we care for each other, what else matters? First Aaron tells me loving another engine is wrong and now you're saying loving a human is wrong. Are we not allowed to love at all? Are we just supposed to keep these feelings to ourselves?"

Alice sighed, "An engine is one thing… but a human… Erika, it wouldn't work, it can't."

"Why?"

Alice didn't answer; she was still processing what she had just heard. In all her years, she had never heard of an engine/human relationship. It was taboo to even consider it. To be honest, she thought Erika was gonna tell her she liked Aaron; Elena did tell her about what she had seen. Perhaps the young Daylight was just confused? "Erika, are you sure it's love? I mean, well all love our crew. They take care of us."

"It's more than just that. I've gone past that love… and I don't want to go back. I want to be with him forever."

"Does he know how you feel?"

"No, I've wanted to tell him but I don't have the courage."

"I don't think you should, not until you're sure. I'm only trying to protect you. I don't want you to get hurt and I don't want you to get into serious trouble."

"So, you won't tell anyone?"

"Of course not, dear."

"Thanks, Alice."

That night, when all the engines had long since fell asleep, the sounds of laughing and footsteps could be heard. Erika was ripped from her dreams of her love. She looked around, trying to place the origin of the sounds. Young teenagers would often jump the fence late at night to do God knows what, and they'd always get to feel her wrath for waking her up. "Stupid kids," she said. She had a long, tiring day and she hadn't recovered from earlier. Whoever it was, they were going to pay for waking her up. Erika's eyes eventually landed on two figures by the entrance; she studied them. Erika recognized the figured. She gasped, 'No… it couldn't be… it can't!'

It was Sam, and he was with Vanessa; he had his arms wrapped around her waist. "You know I shouldn't be out this late," she said playfully. "My father will be angry if he finds out."

"He's in San Francisco, how would he know?" Sam asked.

"Engines do have eyes, you know."

"They're asleep." He sighed, "I never thought I'd see you again, it's been so long."

"I don't think I'll be leaving anytime soon. I like being a driver, it's fun. And," she brought her face closer to his. "We can pick up where we left off all those years ago…"

Erika watched sadly as the two kissed. She couldn't believe it; and what made it worse was that she had to sit there and endure it. She couldn't leave. So, she closed her eyes and tried to suppress her sobs until the couple left. Once the coast was clear, Erika let her tears flow freely; her heart shattered. Unbeknownst to her, another engine had seen the whole thing. "Erika, I'm so sorry," Alice whispered to herself.


"I cried all night, I just couldn't believe it. I was so hurt. Alice tried to comfort me, she even stayed up all night with me even though she had to be up early the next morning. But, it wasn't over yet, life had another plan in store for me…"


Erika was still in shock the next day; she had somehow managed to stop crying. When she saw Sam, she almost lost it again. She did her best to conceal her sadness. He couldn't know what she had seen. She felt like dying. As she pulled out of the shed, Aaron approached her. "Hey Erika, can I talk to you?" he asked.

She looked up at him. He didn't seem to notice her less than happy disposition, "Yeah… sure." She whispered.

The Big Boy blushed slightly, "You remember what I said about engines and love, that they shouldn't be in relationships?"

"Yeah."

"Well… I uh - - I guess I need to take that back." He paused, "Ever since that day, I can't stop thinking about you. There's just something about you that I can't quite pinpoint. You're not like other engines, and I guess that's what won me over."

Erika raised her eyebrows, what was he talking about? Wait, he wasn't going to - -

"And those blue eyes, I've never seen anything like them. They're so beautiful… You're beautiful." He stopped again; this was dragging on for too long. "I can't believe I'm saying this but… I think I'm in love with you."

Erika felt herself on the verge of tears again. Those words she wanted to hear so badly were coming from someone else, someone she didn't have feelings for. Nevertheless, she managed to smile. Oh how life hated her. She looked into his deep blue eyes; they were so full of love. Love she wished Sam had for her. "Well, today must be your lucky day then, Big Boy." He smiled softly at her as she slowly approached him and pressed her lips against his own.


"I - - I couldn't do it. I didn't want anyone to experience the kind of pain I was feeling. I thought maybe I'd learn to love him eventually. I was so distraught, I just wanted someone to care for me, even if it was someone I didn't love back. But maybe I should have, it would have saved us a lot of pain in the long run…"


Author's Note: I wanted to split Erika getting her heart-broken and Aaron's confession into separate chapters but writer's block wouldn't let me. Oh well.