Aunt Josephine strode under the neon orange archway displaying the sign for the Hugs of Children Zoo. At first glance it appeared to be a typical zoo; families were bustling about all around her. But none of these people were talking... or laughing or smiling. Not that Josephine could blame them; the landscape was all grey with random bursts of neon, and there were hardly any plants. Most of the animals were very dangerous or carnivorous, and all looked sick or angry. But at least the zoo was hiring Aunt Josephine to tame them. The zoo must care a little bit about the safety of their customers, right? Her footsteps crunched loudly on the gravel as she wandered through the eerie zoo and into the decrepit office building.

A college-aged young woman was the only one inside. The woman turned to her and said in a booming voice, "Vad tror du att du håller på med? Är du en idiot? Bara stroke dressing och lämna mig ifred!" (What do you think you're doing? Are you an idiot? Just stroke the salad dressing and leave me alone!)

Aunt Josehpine let out a little whimper. She was growing frightened. She didn't know German. How could she tell if the girl had used correct grammar? The girl was chewing gum. What if she choked on it, then spit it out, and it got stuck in Josephine's hair? There was a tacky moosehead on the wall over a single chair. What if one of its antlers fell off and stabbed her? These fears were growing stronger; but before they could overwhelm her, the girl spoke again, this time in a nasally, American teenager-type voice.

"OMG! I am like, SO sorry! I wasn't talking to you! I were using my headset to take care of some important business, YDWTK. Anywerz, I'm here to help you on your first day! You can AMAA! But don't mention DW, or else I get SDM about TWTMSCOTS when it was soooo obvs that DTIAAWBLTBDE. Like, he's totes adorbz." She finished her speech with a flip of her auburn ponytail.

Josephine's eyelid twitched. Then she screamed and ran out of the building. She shriveled up in a ball, shuddering, too terrified to cry. A shadow passed over her. "Ok, like IDK what I done wrong, but I was supposed to give this clipboard to you. It tells you whatcha need to do today. Ain't that just DNDY? Well, TTFN, I guess!" The horrid girl left her.

After another moment of lying there in agony, Josephine looked at the clipboard. She was already wearing her new zoo uniform. She checked that off the list. Her next job was going up to the room where they stored the most dangerous of animals, and feeding all the animals a chocolate bar to get her on their good sides. She went up to the dangerous animals room, but there was already someone there, feeding each of the animals a chocolate bar. (DISCLAIMER: IT'S NOT GOOD TO FEED ANIMALS CHOCOLATE BARS) It was a rather... handsome someone if she did say so herself.

"Hello, I didn't expect anyone else to be up here," she giggled. She swooned at the sight of the man's thinning wavy golden hair, his nonexistent washboard abs, and his not particularly bright teeth.

"And I never expected to see someone as beautiful as you," he answered flirtatiously. His cheesy grin fell. "I'm sorry, a woman like you is probably happily married."

"Widowed," she murmured, "And I do get lonely sometimes. The author of this story is an idiot; she never lets me have any fun."

The guy said, "I'd love to have fun with you." But as they drew closer, Aunt Josephine felt a tap on her shoulder.

"Sorry to interrupt ma'am, but could you help me?" the voice behind her said. Josephine swiveled around slowly. She knew that voice, that wheezy voice. The shiny eyes confirmed it: she was face to face with Captain Sham, otherwise known as the villainous Count Olaf.

A/N: Ha-ha Aunt Josephine! That's what you get for insulting me! I'm in charge of this story! Oh, and if anyone speaks German and I got translated that line wrong, then I apologize. I just used Google Translate.