Thought: I forgot the order of how I wanted to update things, and since this was halfway done already, I figured, what the hell, Juicy it is. Here it is. Kendall's story.


Cause sometimes you just feel tired,
You feel weak and when you feel weak you feel like you wanna just give up.
But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength
and just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up
and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse.


Kendall was tired. His eyes showed that clearly, but his head wasn't cleared. He sat on the floor in his bedroom, so broken and plain out exhausted that he just wanted to die. He hated himself. He hated his life. He didn't know why he couldn't control himself; he couldn't grasp onto the fact that he wasn't supposed to be mad all the time. They gave him pills, but they made him so sick. They gave him something different, and they made him so tired. He hated side effects. He just wanted to be normal.

But he couldn't.

Because he wasn't.

Kendall was his own, biggest victim. He hurt himself more than he hurt anybody else. But he hurt others a lot, so you can just imagine how badly he tortured himself. Every time he yelled at someone, or hit someone, or wanted to hit someone, he'd effected himself more than anyone else. He knew his mother was worried for him. He knew he was hurting himself. He was slowly going crazy in his mind; he couldn't control his anger, his ADHD was at an all time high, his life was spiraling downward quickly. He yelled at Katie, ignored his mother, and told his teachers to fuck off.

He had a rough day at school; he didn't take any medication that morning and his entire body was in a different state of mind. His teachers were down his throat about school work that he didn't have time for, or the attention span to do, he went to work and his boss yelled at him for no good reason. He went home and the principal was there, telling his mother of every class he was failing (all of them) and that he won't graduate if he stays on the track he was on, nor will he pass the 10th grade. He was 15. His mother then went on a rant about how he was suppose to be an example for Katie.

He responded with, "I don't give a fuck about being an example for Katie! You should be the example, not me! Dad should be around to be the example, not me!" Then, he proceeded to flip out, smash vases and the coffee table, he took a bat to the window and the television. His mother was sobbing with the fear of his rage and he smashed his head into the wall; and ran off to his room, slamming the door and piling as much shit in front of it as he possibly could, despite knowing that nobody would come.

His entire body shook; he couldn't control himself. He ripped apart his bed, his bookshelves, his closet. His laptop ended up smashed, pictures flung off the walls, the neck of his guitar snapped, holes in the wall, ripped schoolwork. He ripped the head off the stuffed animal Katie had gotten him for his birthday. He crushed the poptart he didn't eat that morning and he set his backpack on fire and threw it out his window, along with his work apron. He was so friggin pissed off.

The cops showed up and tried to restrain him, but he couldn't be stopped. He'd punched one of them in the nuts and the officer cowered back; the other one gripped his arms and threw him harshly against the wall. "YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN!" He shouted at Kendall, trying to get the boy to hear him.

Kendall broke free of the officer and sunk to the ground, sobbing. He hated himself. He looked at the damage. He wasn't getting out of this one.

He spent a few nights in a mental institute. He wasn't stable; he was crazy, they said. He wasn't crazy, though, he was just sick. He was sick and tired of this life. He had friends, yeah, but they didn't appreciate him like they should. He bent over backwards for them, but they didn't see that. His father had bounced out of his life, his mother didn't know what to do with him half the time and Katie looked up to him, but he couldn't give her the time of day because he was so ashamed of himself. He wasn't good enough for her.

Then, he spent a few nights in jail, while they tried to figure out 'what to do with him.' he hated that phrase, he'd heard it so many times, but it always got worse. He needed to be somewhere where they would constantly be watching out for him, but he couldn't live in a mental institute because he wasn't crazy, just sick.

Then, they discovered Mother Master's. It was perfect and there was available space for him there. They'd give him intense therapy, find pills that worked for him, and get him on the right path. They'd help him turn into a respected man, and they would raise him. His mother didn't want him living at her house anymore, he was too dangerous. She had Katie to think about, and although she loved him desperately, there were some things she had to sacrifice to help him. Her approval of him staying at Mother Master's till he was eighteen seemed to be her only option at that point. She was willing to try anything to save him from himself. To save him from Katie. To not have to deal with this.

Kendall had tried many different medications to try to calm him down, but it pissed him off because he always ended up throwing up, or sleeping the day away. He remembered one pill that made him throw up so much that the staff brought him to the hospital and they had to wait there for him to stop throwing up. It was safe to say he never took that pill again. They just wanted him to feel normal, even if he wasn't. They wanted to find something for him that would prevent him from becoming so angry, and prevent him from being so hyperactive. It was hard, because Kendall's body didn't react well to anything.

It took five months of excruciating pill experimentation for them to find something that worked. And it was the new house member, Logan, that had suggested the pills. "If he takes this and that, they won't mesh and make him puke. It'll take him a drowsy week to get used to it, but he shouldn't throw up and if it works as it's supposed to, then it'll help."

And it did. The kid was, after all, a friggin genius. And he was Kendall's new little buddy.

Logan, for whatever reason, latched to Kendall. He looked to him like a big brother or something from the day they met; the first thing Kendall ever said to Logan was, "Hey. Don't cry, buddy, it'll be okay. Trust me…it's okay…" and from there, they'd been basically inseparable. Trust was a big word for Logan, and he was a little iffy about it at first…

Logan trusted Kendall because Kendall had trusted him. When Logan suggested the medication the very first day, and it worked, that had done it for Kendall. For years doctors and therapists and medical experts and this that and the other person tried to find something that worked, and they had all failed. There was this little, timid, white boy who, on the first day there, found something that toned down his anger and calmed down his brain without making him sick, there was an immediate wall of trust. A wall that could never be broken.

It was slightly weird for Kendall to be at M&M's, knowing his mom was at home with Katie. He hated that he had to stay there till he was eighteen; but he knew it was for the better. He didn't want to go home and be thrown off track. He didn't wan to go home and leave Logan, when he promised he'd be there. He couldn't.

Kendall was the one who knew literally everything that happened to Logan. He didn't trust a lot, and half the staff irked him and he didn't want to tell anyone of his problems. They were his. But Kendall seemed to understand, because Kendall had problems of his own. The only difference was, Kendall's problems were brought on by himself. Logan's problems were brought on by others.

The first night Logan had a nightmare, (that Kendall knew of) Kendall was by his side, again, telling the smaller to trust him, that it was going to be okay. "Trust me, Loges, okay? Nothing bad will happen to you here, unless you behave badly. You'll get through this, you'll pull through this…and when you look back when you're eighteen you're gonna be like, damn. I did this by myself. You're gonna be so proud. Block out all the bad stuff, because things can only go up."

"But It's gonna get me."

"What's it?"

"It. The clown. He's gonna come up from the drains, I know it."

"What do you tell me all the time? 'You're being illogical. That can't actually happen.' It was just a movie, okay? Based off of a make believe book written by Stephen King. Fiction." Kendall knew how to calm Logan down the day he met him. He was good at it, counting how many times he'd calmed himself down.

"Fiction. Literary works of imagination."

"Exactly. Just make believe; not real. It's not real. This is real."

Logan slept with blankets and pillows over his face every night, except for the nights he slept facing Kendall. He had it planted in his brain that Kendall was always going to be by his side when he needed him, that Kendall was right there, because in reality, Kendall was, and It wasn't. The monsters, they weren't real, Kendall convinced him of that. But it didn't mean he could just forget. It didn't mean his past didn't happen. It just meant his future looked brighter. Kendall knew, he'd figured it out, that life is what you make it.

You choose who you want to be. You choose how you want to act and you choose your strength. And once you do, it's your job to learn how to use it, and apply your choices. You can't wait for things to just happen, you make them happen, you make them spicy, and juicy, and once you work your ass off to get to where you want to be, the rest just falls into place. It's your job to set it up. Otherwise, you'll never make it.

Kendall was never a good leader before M&M's, despite it being his natural instinct. He didn't want to be an example, or a role model. He didn't care what other people thought about him, he didn't care what other people did. But when he met Logan, he decided that he couldn't just let this kid be scared of everything all the time. He couldn't let him live his life afraid something's going to get him. He knew there was so much more to life than that. And, even though Logan was the genius, Kendall knew more than he did.

See, Logan sucked up information like a sponge. However, it was all quite useless in the 'real world'. Mathematics, science, geography, radical calculations and computations will not matter when you're on the street alone with nothing but the clothes on your back and the dirt in the soles of your shoes. Knowing all the presidents of the United States and the years they were in office won't matter. Knowing all the capitals of said states will not matter. Being able to mix nitrate with sodium and create a white precipitate that will dissolve in excess NaOH, creating a colorless solution with the calculations will not matter.

What will matter is the will power not to give up. What will matter is the determination to be fearless. Kendall had never been a leader, he didn't preach to people, he didn't comfort them or tell them it'd be okay. He didn't care. But those little lost, broken, brown puppy dog eyes of Logan's changed his opinion. It's funny, how one person can alter your entire thought process. Kendall had been honored to be trusted by the small, timid white boy who'd spent years being physically and emotionally tortured.

Carlos took a liking to Kendall immediately. With Kendall, what you saw was what you got. He was straight up, he didn't care what you thought about him, but if it came down to it, he would lead you out of any bad situation. He wanted to avoid them. He wanted to better himself, and he wanted to do good and be good. He wanted better, he wanted to do better, and he wanted to be better, and he was determined to do so.

Carlos watched day after day as the senior of the boys worked like one of the staff members. He was so keen on being apart of everyone's lives; just trying to help and make it easier. It was hard for them to be away from their families, and Kendall had long since accepted his fate. Carlos, being new, wasn't taking it so well. He didn't want to be away from his family for a whole year. He was already missing his brothers and his mother.

"It'll be okay," seemed to be Kendall's catchphrase, and he honestly believed it. He was not even close to hypocritical, because he knew in his heart that things will be okay if you work at them and fix them.

"Look," he said to Carlos, "This is good for you. It's hard, yeah, but you don't want to be getting arrested and shot all the time. In a year, you'll go back home. Things will be different, but they'll be better. You can be a good influence for your brothers. They look up to you, you know? You getting arrested has them thinking it's okay to be arrested. Do you want that for them?"

Carlos shook his head softly, "No, of course not, bu-"

"This is your golden window of opportunity, Carlos. The first year flies by. It helps being here, it really does. Take James for example. His first week, he went AWOL. They found him though, and he was restricted for like, three weeks from doing anything. He never did that again. They help you here."

"But when we leave and go back home, we can just keep doing the same shit," Carlos pointed out.

"Well, yeah," Kendall said with a shrug, "but, is that what you want? To leave and keep doing the same shit? It's all about your choices, bro. You choose to do the same shit with the same loser people when you go back, that's up to you. But you're better than that. Don't you want to be better than that?"

And that was why Kendall chose to lead people. Because he was friggin good at it. He knew what to say and when to say it. He knew how to make you think. He knew how to get you to make the right choices. After all, it's all about the choices.


Note: I kind of liked this, but when I get confident about what I write, I feel like i shouldn't. because I can always do better. anyway. thanks for reading!(: