Chapter 4: Hurt
"I tell myself, please don't weaken again, unlike my thoughts and words
So that the ink and tears that have spread in my heart dry up
You break me like a fist of ash, like an uncatchable bird
So I can let go of you within"
~Hurts by Shinhwa~
(English Translation Credit to Kpoplyrics)
~o~
AC 204
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were only a few days left until Sylvia's stage play, wherein she was one of the four main characters. She'd been rehearsing non-stop for the past few months for this, enthusiastic that she'd be playing the role of an elder sister for the first time. This family-themed play was a good deviation from her usual romantic ones, where she always played the role of second fiddle. Since she got her script, she had been eagerly memorizing her lines, and the series of singing-in-the-shower moments took on its course for weeks. Sometimes when I came home early from work, I'd practice her lines with her until midnight. Eventually she had them all memorized within three – a record for her.
As her roommate of two years, I knew that Sylvia got jitters whenever the date of her shows came close. And usually whenever her play date approached, we always spared some time to let out all our inhibitions from work. Sylvia's way of coping for all the stress and pressure was alcohol consumption, dancing, and clubbing, of course.
"I spend the whole day being yelled at my director to do the choreography flawlessly. I just want to dance without any planned steps for a whole night!" I can still remember her ranting as she re-applied her makeup on my bed, while I fished in my closet for clothes to wear.
So I went ahead with her plan. It was a good distraction for me, too, because of my job requiring me to to be on-call 24/7, add to that dealing with various crime scenes in the city. I loved it when you just get all numb, and your adrenaline starts pumping as your favourite upbeat tunes resonate in the whole area. Plus, it was a Friday night then.
Having said that, today, I immediately agreed when Sylvia asked me to go clubbing. She also gave me a heads-up that her friend from the theatre group, Catherine Bloom, was going so in turn I invited Hilde, who would inevitably bring Duo. And because Catherine and Duo were there, I bet that Trowa would be there, too. Sylvia and I had been really close since we lived together, so it was a good thing that our friends from our line of work became well-acquainted. And clubbing had become a routine for all of us.
After work that early evening, we all headed home to shower again and to dress up. When I arrived in our apartment, Sylvia called out to me from her room. She looked fresh from the shower, wearing her robe, and her towel was wrapped around her head. She stood over the bed, wherein three kinds of dresses were laid out.
"What do you think Heero will like?" she asked, crossing her arms, giving me the impression that she was serious about this.
I honestly thanked her for still staring at the dresses because I'm pretty sure the way my smile vanished from my face would give me away. I felt my whole body sink with her question, and I hated it.
Considering her question, I gripped the door frame, almost choking with the memory of Heero kissing my shoulders first whenever he came close to me on days when I wore dresses for our dates. Sometimes he'd pull the strap aside to kiss me on that spot, telling me how he had fallen in love with an article of clothing.
I nonchalantly suggested, "I don't know what type he prefers, the shift dress, I guess?"
"Hm," Sylvia considered my suggestion for a moment. "Yeah, I'll try it out. Thanks, girl."
"No problem. So, I'll just go freshen up. Oh yeah, where's your guest?"
"I don't know. He just said he'd be exploring the city for a bit. He'll be here in an hour to pick us up."
"Okay."
I hated it when my pulse raced at the thought of seeing him again.
I also hated myself for being too self-conscious tonight. Whenever we go clubbing I usually do not make an effort in the hair and makeup department because I know we'd just be sweating profusely in the end, making out with others that inevitably wiped our makeups off. But tonight I wanted to kick myself in the gut for checking out myself every minute on my full-length mirror for every stray hair.
When Heero arrived, hearing the front door open and close, I was completely satisfied with how I looked. I chose the backless knee-length black dress with killer heels to match. I added eyeliner and mascara to my usual makeup ensemble. Yes, I overdid it tonight. But I guess it paid off. Yeah, I looked hot if I had to say so myself. What would he think? The last time he saw me dressed up was on Prom Night six years ago, when I was still in the puberty stage. I wonder how a 24-year old Relena would look like for him?
Okay, Relena, stop. Get a hold of yourself.
Just when I thought that I was ready to surprise him when I walked into the living room, I was the one who was taken aback. Heero turned to me, looking gorgeous in his white button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows – his usual thing –, dark wash jeans, and a pair of Steve Madden shoes to match. His hair was still unruly, a feature that made me want to run my hand through it like the old days.
As much as I gawked at him, I was flustered when he eyed me from head to toe, like he did yesterday, though slower this time. I revelled in that moment when his jaw tensed, hoping that I can still affect him. And I think I still did. In that moment I knew that he still knew me. He had not made any recognition of our relationship in the past, so I was unaware if he really did forget me or what, but now. I felt it. He was still there. There was that cognizance, the spark, the fire in his eyes. He felt it, too, I knew. He was clenching his fists and bit the inside of his cheek. These were his usual habits when uneasy.
The tension in the air was palpable. I had to break the silence. "Heero, you…"
"You look gooood!" Sylvia praised, whistling and breaking the tension in the room. She sauntered towards him with a seductive look in a dark blue wrap dress, slightly curled blond hair, and gold killer heels, too.
"Look who's talking. You look amazing." He kissed her cheek, which made her blush a thousand shades of red.
If I had thought for a moment that he would look only at me, I was wrong. So, so, so wrong. In this moment in time, I just had to get used that I'd only be at the periphery. I wasn't his core anymore.
"Relena's pretty hot, too, don't you think?" Sylvia clung to his arm and winked at me.
Once again Heero's eyes swept over me, chilling me to the bones. "She is," he answered, holding my gaze.
"Thanks for the mandatory compliment," I dismissed and walked past them to pick up my purse from the couch. "Are we going to hit the club or what?"
~o~
When we got to the club, our friends were already there occupying two of the round tables at the corner, surrounded by a circular velvet sofa. Drinks had already been ordered, filling the table with buckets of iced beer. Loud hiphop music boomed through the speakers to which every man and woman danced to. Sweat and pheromones floated around the dark joint.
Sylvia introduced Heero to her friend, the tall bombshell with short, wavy, dark hair, Catherine Bloom. I also introduced him to my friends, Hilde and Duo, who relayed that Trowa would be joining us a bit later.
We sat with our friends, with Heero and I occupying the two ends of the sofa. I already helped myself with beer and focused on Duo's interesting police adventures for the day. But the moment the song "Girls On Top" by BoA pumped through the speakers, Sylvia and I squealed. That was totally our jam! And just like that, we headed off to the dance floor, squeezing through the sweaty and adrenaline-pumped up people dancing their heads off, which we did, as well. Later on, our friends joined us and we all let our inhibitions go, losing ourselves in the music, throwing our hands in the air, jumping and shaking our bodies in tune with the beat.
Sometime during the third song, someone grabbed my hips from behind. I chuckled, placing my hands over the large pair and wiggled my ass to excite my new dance partner. The man behind me gasped and pulled me back closer to him, grinding his hips against me. It was sensational. I knew the alcohol and pheromones were pumping things up for me, and in that instant I swore I totally forgot that my ex-lover was around. I continued to shake my thing against my dance partner, sending my whole body on fire. I guided his hands to go lower until a kiss on my shoulder stilled my moments. The act was so familiar that I angled my head to see my dance buddy, making heart sink ten feet under when Heero Yuy stared right back at me.
My eyes widened with horror at the intensity of his gaze, so I shifted my vision downwards, which was a big mistake. His kissable lips were so there. And I felt him stare at my own lips. His eyes were so there. My hands gripped his hands hard, not knowing whether it was because I was losing my balance or that I just missed these hands – these hands that had held me a million times in just a span of three years. A terrible amount of longing filled my whole being, and there was nothing I wanted more than to lose myself in his arms and kisses again. For a few precious seconds, the music and people somehow drowned out, and there was only the two of us on the floor.
I opened my mouth, wanting to say a lot of things. But between six years and a hundred questions to be asked, I had no idea where to begin, and this was certainly not the place to discuss it. We'd be shouting our pasts over the speakers – totally not cool.
His eyes focused on my lips, which I bit at an impulse. I swear his heated look burned a notch higher. He pressed me back into his chest. I gasped, feeling something down there, making me close my eyes at the plethora of emotions he was making me feel. I wanted to….
A couple who bumped into us made me remember where I was. I instantly pulled away when his hands loosened a bit with the impact. And that's when I had my escape. "Restroom," I muttered, not caring whether he heard me or not. Bodies bumped into me as I squeezed my way out, finding a way to get some oxygen back in my lungs, hoping that nobody we know had just seen that exchange.
~o~
Since I knew that the restroom would have tons of girls re-applying makeup, if not, barfing, I just headed outside to get fresh air in my system. Okay, a bit of fresh air, since a posse was smoking heavily a few steps away. I wrapped my arms around myself as I stared at the sky, wondering what the hell just happened inside. It ached to no end how his hands and whole body still felt right with mine. And from the way he looked at me, the way his body reacted, the familiarity that made my skin tingle, making six years of separation felt like it was just six minutes ago. It was clear proof that I still affected him. I was still there. I was still in him. But what did I do? I totally freaked out, totally not expecting him to be dancing with me, and moreover, what if my friend who was head-over-heels in him saw us?
I groaned in frustration, resigning to act normally, like nothing had happened. I managed to lose myself with the music just minutes before he touched me and I can do it again. As much as I wanted to talk to him, I can't. I can't, knowing that he was still aware of me, still aware of the past, and I was too damn scared to be confronted with questions I'd been dreading to answer.
With my firm resolve intact, I headed back inside.
Once again I found myself squeezing myself through a bunch of teenagers flirting with each other. I rounded the corner to head back to our table until my feet stopped moving. Back at the table just three feet away was my roommate and the only man I've ever loved kissing the hell out of each other. It wasn't a slow, passionate kiss, but a wild, ravage kind that led their hands to roam each other's bodies. Sylvia's hand gripped the back of Heero's head, while her other hand was pressed against his chest. Heero's hand was also at the back of Sylvia's head, holding her firmly in place, as his other his other hand wrapped around her waist and pulled her closer.
I've always known that they were at this level. Hell they've gone past all the bases already. Sylvia was vicious when she set her eyes on someone. And she had every right to be. She was a theatre gem. She didn't only have the face value, but also body and talent to go with it. She had every guy she wanted, and had them dumped in a flash when she got tired of them all.
She did all of those things in the two years that we've been living together, while I just remained at the making-out phase, not going any further than second base because a certain someone had ruined me for other men years ago.
And that someone happened to be the man that my roommate was making out with.
I've pictured this scene several times in my head ever since he got here. I already conditioned myself about what I should do in case I'd encounter something like this, so it would hurt less. After all, like one of my favourite novels, Salem Falls, advices, "The only way to prevent a broken heart is to cushion the incoming blow."
But hey, I guess I hadn't prepared enough.
Music drowned out from my senses. There was just me, standing there, dumbfounded, like I just walked in on something forbidden. I waited for the tears to come, surprisingly there was none. But my chest… There was a like a hole in my chest. I gripped the fabric of my dress atop my heart that seemed to be at an extraordinary pace at the moment. I gripped it tight, pressed harder onto my chest, hoping that the gaping hole would be filled. It didn't. I couldn't breathe.
I had to get out of here.
I turned on my heels and made a beeline towards the bar. I couldn't remember how many drinks I ordered, they just kept coming. Once again I was reconciled with my dearly beloved boyfriends Jose Cuervo and Johnnie Walker. They'd never tasted this good. My boyfriends kept me company as I devoured them one by one, and oh, okay, Margarita wanted to join the party, so I let her. Ah, these new set of company was better.
As I bid the last drop of my girlfriend, Margarita, goodbye, my real, living girl friend Hilde came to me and shook my shoulders gently. "There you are! What have you been doing?"
I felt so lightheaded that I leaned on the table, my left cheek hitting the smooth counter, looking up at a bewildered Hilde now with a shawl around her bare shoulders. She should wear dresses often. Duo would keep having a heart attack.
"I'm having a date with Jose and Johnnie. Say, hi, to them." Dear lord my stomach rumbled.
"Hi, Jose. Hi, Johnnie. Thanks for keeping Relena company. But I'm here now, so goodbye. Hilde rolled her eyes. "What brought this on? Are you okay?"
Ha! What a question! And guess what, I actually did laugh. "I'm dandy, Hilde! I feel divine!" throwing my hands up in the air with my head still plastered on the counter. Hmmm, this actually felt comfy. I could just stay here and be in the company of Jose and Johnnie, and….
Hey, was that Trowa? When did he get here? Wow, he really cleaned up well. I loved that green button-up shirt. It matched the color of his eyes. And those dark wash jeans, hugging his sexy form tightly. I eyed Trowa from head to toe, who was on his way to me. Really sexy. "Oh, goody! You're all here." I moved my head so that my chin rested on the counter and waved my hand at the bartender. I couldn't lift my head, I felt dizzy. I knew I'd collapse when I did. Oh boy my body was so going down. "Five shots please."
"What the hell?" Hilde cancelled my order. "You've had enough, girl."
I hit my cheek on the counter. "No. I was just getting started."
"Relena," Trowa came to me, smoothing my hair back from my face. I actually liked that gesture. It was so gentle and comforting.
"Hi, Trowa," beaming at him, "Meet my boyfriends, Jose and Johnnie."
Trowa chuckled. "I guess they gave you a good time."
"The best time." My eyes were starting to droop.
"Wanna rest now?" Trowa asked. "I'll take you home."
Somewhere in the background I think I heard Hilde saying she'd inform the others. Of what? I didn't want to know.
"But you just got here."
"Half an hour. It's okay. Catherine's dirty dancing with this guy anyway and I didn't want to see that. And I've never seen you this wasted. So, a ride home?"
My stomach was rumbling and I had this queasy feeling building up my throat, my eyes were drooping, the room was spinning, and my body felt like deadweight already, so I acquiesced. "Yes. Okay."
Relief flooded Trowa's handsome face. For a second I sincerely questioned myself why I haven't fallen in love with him yet. He'd always been good to me. I saw him pull out some cash from his jeans and placed it at the counter. And on the next he held my hand, "Can you walk? Or you want me to carry you?"
"I can walk," I declared. Yep, I'm a big girl now. I slid off the bar stool, holding on to Trowa's hand and when I nearly tripped, his other arm wrapped around my waist to pull me up. He smelled good, like Ralph Lauren good. And he was warm, so, so warm. I snuggled against him, my body betraying my will, damn Jose and Johnnie really wore me down. If it wasn't for Trowa's arm and body I would've been face-first on the floor by now. We started walking together when my roommate's voice cut through the scene.
"Oh my god, Relena, how did you end up like this? What happened?" Sylvia touched my forehead and my cheeks, checking if I had fever or something.
I ended up like this because you, my dear friend, were shoving your tongue down my man's throat. Not that I blame her, she knew nothing about our history. Not that I blame him either, because I was the idiot who walked away years ago. Karma kicked me hard in the ass.
"I'm cool. Jose and Johnnie tired me out."
Sylvia chuckled. "They sure did, you crazy girl."
"What happened?" another voice asked and yep, Heero Yuy was now standing in front of me. For the love of broken hearts, all of those drinking led to nothing as he stood there with an angry look on his face. Great. It was as if our little dancing never happened. He was glaring at me. Or at my stomach. Or wait, were his eyes on Trowa's arm? It couldn't be. My imagination's running away with me. I had no idea it could hurt this much just to see them standing together.
I didn't want to talk, so Trowa answered for him, "Drank too much."
"We'll take her home." Can you believe it? Heero actually offered to take me home. The nerve!
"No! Trowa can take me." Heero's eyebrows shot right up. Realizing how I just said those words, I ignored him and faced Sylvia, "Stay. It's your night. I'm safe with Trowa. I need to get out please, or I'm going to barf hell into this place." And yes, my head's really falling now, I wanted my bed.
A sheepish smile crept on my roommate's face as she looked at me and Trowa back and forth. She'd been waiting for this. She'd been waiting for a long time for me to date someone, especially Trowa. I knew that a start of something was brewing inside her head.
"Okay," she said and kissed me on the cheek. "Rest well. Don't get our living room dirty."
I snorted. "Enjoy the rest of your evening."
As Trowa ushered me out the door, I never looked at them again. This was better, keep looking forward, focusing on who's with you now.
~o~
Trowa was a gentleman. He carried me all the way from his car, because apparently I fell asleep at the back seat, until we reached my bedroom. He gave me a glass of water and held my hair back for me when I threw my guts out into the toilet. It was tremendously embarrassing and mortifying, but what the heck, as soon as I got my frustrations out in liquid form, the hollowness crept up to me again.
I kept myself busy by brushing my teeth and splashing water on my face. I was still so dizzy I clung to the sink for balance, and Trowa was always beside me as I got all my crap together. I decided to just remove my makeup tomorrow since I was so, so, exhausted and the room still swayed.
I ordered Trowa to turn around when I divested myself of my dress and heels. It felt so good to be freed from all those entrapments.
"I'll be okay," I mumbled as I went under the duvet of my bed. I snuggled underneath my duvet and bid Trowa a good night.
"You sure?" He sat down at the edge of the bed and once again, pulled my hair back from my face. "I can stay with you until your roommate arrives."
I snorted. "No, you won't. She won't be back until morning for sure and you wouldn't want to see the scene when she enters the apartment with her boyfriend. Trust me." Or the scene you're going to witness once I see them again together. "Thank you for everything tonight. You better rest, too."
"Okay then." Noting that he understood, Trowa kissed my forehead and stood. Okay, that was a surprise. "Good night, Relena. Call me anytime, anywhere if you need anything."
"Alright, Superman."
He snickered as he turned off the lights and went out of my room. I listened until I heard the front door close, and then I resigned to dreamland.
~o~
AC 196
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey, Heero, remember the first time I got drunk? We were at this house party of your teammate for his birthday, Nathan. No, scratch house from that sentence, add mansion. When we got there in the evening, their whole mansion was already filled with people not just from our school, but also athletes from other schools. Music boomed through the speakers in the colossal living room where a DJ was doing his magic on the consoles and turntables at the corner. Drinks were served by waiters walking in and about the crowd, as well as at the makeshift bar at the family room.
We hung out at the balcony with Wufei and his girlfriend, Sally. Then, the waiter came and served us drinks. "Not too much," you reminded, knowing that it'd be my first time to try an alcoholic drink, and that you promised my parents that you'd be bringing me home sober. But hey, the drink was good. And who was counting? As more of our friends joined us, conversations continued into the night, stories have been shared, and laughter filled the balcony.
Later in the evening, my stomach was already feeling queasy and I felt weightless. Suddenly, everything sounded funny to me, so I was laughing at everything you guys had been saying, while hitting your arm mindlessly. When you noticed my vapid giggling, you just raised a brow, but there was a trace of a smirk on your face. Ugh, that smirk. That arrogant smirk that suggested that there was something funny about me. I wanted to wipe that away from your face, but it was too adorable to erase.
"Too much to drink?"you asked.
"Nope!" I declared, taking another sip of my margarita. Damn that was good. "That story was just really funny."
"Uh, we were talking about Nathan's ACL injury," Wufei interjected.
"Oh."I deflated.
"Okay, I think that's enough for a night," you took away my glass and handed it over to Sally, whose big curls flowed over her shoulder, looking like cinnamon rolls. Hmm, cinnamon rolls, my favourite.
"Hey! Hey! Hey! That's mine!" I protested, reaching for my glass, which Sally handed over to Wufei who handed it over to blondie birthday boy Nathan, who passed it to Dylan, or was it Danny or Daniel or, damn my stomach had never felt this intense desire to throw back its contents through my throat. I started to sway as your friends passed the glass away as I swatted your hands that kept trying to stop me from taking my glass back. Ugh, I thought you'd always be on my side!
It was at that moment when the DJ finally played a slow tune. A ballad what do you know. You then firmly caged me with your arms and mumbled in my ear, "Dance with me."
"You took my drink," I pouted, acting like a kid who had her balloon stolen.
You just chuckled, you goddamned chuckled! I wanted to tackle you, but it was such a beautiful sound, so I just followed you when you said goodbye to your friends to take me back inside the mansion. You guided my hands and put them at the back of your neck, while your own pair stayed on my waist, and then we just swayed with the music. I looked around in the living room. There were a number of couples who were dancing, as well, scattered in the house. Well, except for the couple who was getting it on at the couch, not giving a damn about privacy. While on the other side at the kitchen, the chattering went on and beer bottles had been clunked.
"Look at me," you implored. My eyes drifted back to you, staring intently at me.
"Hi there," I beamed. I can see myself in those Prussian blues eyes of yours.
"How are you feeling?"
Lol, Heero. What a question. I chuckled.
"You've transformed into a giggler tonight, my dear princess."
"You complaining?"
"Of course not. It's a beautiful sound."
"Sweet-talker," I leaned my head on your chest just so I can hide my idiotic smile. The couple on the couch was already making out like crazy, which sparked something inside of me. I then found myself running my hands underneath your blue shirt, massaging your muscular back underneath the fabric.
You groaned. My ears clapped with the sound. It was sexy. I wanted to hear it again, so I ignored your tense body and traced the circumference of your waist over and over again.
"Relena," you groaned again. "What are you doing to me?"
"Touching you." I splayed my fingers over your stomach. You cursed and groaned again.
Grabbing my surfacing confidence, I tiptoed to whisper in your ear, "I love it when you groan like that. It's a beautiful sound," repeating your words.
"Relena," the look in your eyes was penetrating. I wanted to explode right then and there. "Not here."
You then grabbed my hand and later on we stumbled into a room, not caring at that moment who owned it. The moment the door was locked, you pressed your whole body unto me against the door, kissing me like your life depended on it. I matched the intensity of your kisses, my need fuelled by alcohol and this overwhelming emotion I was sure that involved how much I loved you. We fell upon the bed, you landing on top of me, and suddenly your shirt was off. Thank god the lights were on, so I took the liberty of staring and touching your finely chiselled torso.
"Mine," I claimed.
"Always," you affirmed, leaning down to steal my breath with an earth-shattering kiss.
Then, my shirt joined yours on the floor in the blink of an eye. I had always thought that you were a fast runner on the field, but that night I realized that you were faster in clothing-removal.
"Perfect," you said. I loved the way you looked at me, even if majority of those seconds were at my black lacy brassiere. I felt truly beautiful. You slowly trailed kisses from my jaw, to my neck, down to my clavicle, followed by your hand that cupped one of my peaks, eliciting a delightful moan from me. More. I wanted more.
I wrapped my legs around your hips to pull you down closer to me. At the same time, my arms went around you, running my hands at the back of your head. When you resumed kissing my neck, I whispered in your ear, "Take me now, Heero."
When those words left my lips, you froze. In an instant, I already missed your warmth as you pulled away from me and kneeled, watching me with your brows furrowed. "No," you stated.
"What?" I tried to sit up but the drinks I devoured earlier rebelled inside my stomach so I fell back down on the bed. The room spun.
"We can't."
"Oh." I looked away and stared at the ceiling, fighting the tears that threatened to spill. So, I just threw myself at my boyfriend. And he rejected me. I wonder where my entire ego went.
You squeezed my hand, while your other one landed on my cheek to turn my head slowly towards you. "Relena. Look at me. You're sexy and you're amazing. But we can't do this tonight. You're drunk, I'm tipsy, and we're going to regret it if we do this now. This isn't even your bed."
Okay, so I laughed. I laughed despite that pleading look on your face. I fell in love with that look, too, you know? "Yeah, this could be Nathan's bed. He'd totally freak out."
A sigh of relief escaped your lips. After that, those lips were upon mine. You lay on the bed, and we were both on our sides, shirtless, facing each other. "I want our first to be special. Not like this. There's nothing wrong with you. You have to know that it's taking all my willpower just to stop myself from making you scream my name over and over again. But what I want is when that happens; no alcohol is going to make you forget that. You got it?"
You really had a way with words. And despite that it turned me on even more; I fell in love with you even more for even thinking hard about my first.
"Yes, Sir." I grinned. "You love me a lot, don't you?"
"I do." You grinned back.
"I love you a lot, too."
"I know." Damn, cocky, midfielder.
"Heero?"
"Hn?"
"I gotta barf."
~o~
Author's Note:
Thank you for the support, dear readers! :) Hugs and kisses to all! :)
