Previously…

Sighing, Kate sits up straighter and smiles ruefully. "I promise." She knows it's a lie, a promise she can never keep. Getting justice for her mother will always be dangerous but it is a part of her that she knows she will never be able to give up.

Jim takes her answer for what it is, just words; he knows she would risk her life again; it's of little value to her in comparison to getting the justice she seeks. Pushing himself up off the ground, he leans over and extends his hand out to help her up. "Come on, let's get you inside."


A tendril of hair shifting ever so slightly across her brow gently rouses Kate from sleep. The warm summer breeze from the open window billows the comforter softly as it tickles its way across the bare skin of her arms like a soft caress. Burying her face further into her pillow, her eyes close as the familiar scents draw her mind back to happier times.

Their first summer at the cabin, she hadn't been excited to leave her friends, and she made sure that her parents were very aware of her displeasure the whole car ride up; the complete silence other than the occasional huff of exasperation a clear sign to them that she was less than pleased. She had a summer full of plans already laid out, and none of which included being kidnapped by her parents and whisked away to some cabin in the middle of nowhere.

But as soon as they arrived, despite her less than pleasant behavior, and the even less obvious roll of her eyes, her mother grasped her hand firmly in hers, headed down to the lake, and pulled her down to sit next to her on the bank. Kate stared with rapt attention, her hands twisting in her lap, the confused expression at her mother's urgency to be by the lake clearly evident, but quickly vanishing as her mother wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulders as she leaned in and whispered into her ear; "Just breathe Katie." Inhaling a deep breathe, she felt the crisp air invade her lungs; gone were the exhaust fumes from buses and cabs clogging the streets, the concrete dust from the numerous construction sites and the various aromas of food from the outdoor cafes. Here each delicate gust of wind was infused with the freshness of the cool lake water, the woodsy scent of the pines and maples all intertwined with the earthy scents of moss, leaves and bark. That was the moment Kate fell in love with the cabin. From that day forward it became a tradition, her and her mother sitting silently on the bank, enjoying the peace and solitude, a moment to just breathe; it was the true sign that summer had begun, and the first thing they did every time they arrived, rain or shine.

She wishes her mother were here now, on days like this, when the memories are so vivid, that they don't feel like memories at all. She can almost feel her hand in hers now, pulling her along towards the lake, her mother's laughter and her joyful giggles filling the silence as her legs tried desperately to keep up with her mother's exuberant pace. Her mother's pure joy for life, the simple pleasures found in everyday miracles filled Kate with warmth that has been missing for so long. She longs to go back to that time, back when her life was carefree and not complicated, back before a sniper bullet almost took her life, back to days when she didn't wake up and wonder how she is still alive and back before she watched her hopes and dreams die with her mother on that cold January day. Inhaling a deep breathe she allows herself just a brief moment, lets the smells draw her in, the memories surround her, wrap her in the comfort of familiarity; and just for a moment, believe.

A loud crash followed by a dull clunk startles her back to the present, seems her father is up, but she has no desire to face him at the moment. Rolling onto her back she drapes an arm defensibly across her eyes to block out the thin bands of sunlight that are bleeding in through the blinds. The pain from yesterday's long journey back to the house is beginning to build into a dull throb as the events from the previous day begin to unfurl in her mind; it was truly unpleasant, and she doesn't like the feelings it has stirred up. After a few moments of examination, she struggles to find the words to properly articulate her thoughts, and reaches the only possible conclusion, yesterday was a fucking disaster. With an inward groan she lifts her arm a fraction of an inch and cranes her neck to the side to spy a glance at the clock on the night stand; it's much later than she expected.

Swinging her legs over the edge of the bed, she dresses as quickly as her body will allow and pads her way across the room; the gentle breeze coming in from the open window luring her in. Listing into the wall, she crosses her arms over her chest and draws deep breaths in though her nose, as her eyes trip over the amazing view. The branches of the pines are swaying in the breeze, light gusts of air skimming the surface of the lake causing the cloud's shadows that are cast upon it to dance in the tiny ripples that break the mirror like surface. The late afternoon sun is sitting high in the azure sky and the brilliant shafts of sunlight glimmer off the small puddles of water on the stone patio, giving them an iridescent glow. The day is absolutely gorgeous, and she finds herself once again in awe of the astounding beauty of the natural surroundings.

A synthetic click draws her attention down to the driveway below, her eyes narrowing as she watches her father lean in to place a large bowl in the passenger seat, the car rocking slightly as he slams the door shut and strides back toward the house. Jim's footfalls upon the stairs alert her to his impending arrival before the knock on her door. Dropping down onto the cushion of the widow seat, his question is muffled though the thick wood of her bedroom door.

"Katie, are you awake?"

For a fleeting moment she considers feigning sleep, but bites back her reluctance to answer. "Yeah Dad, I am up."

"I thought you were going to sleep all day. It's four, I am heading to the Ruger's for the 4th of July party, are you sure you don't want to come? I can wait if you have changed your mind."

The party, shit, she forgot all about it. Grimacing, Kate absently runs her fingers through her hair. "No, I am just going stay home and rest, but go have a good time, don't let me stop you."

"Are you sure? Might be nice to get out, talk to some people besides me. At this point I am sure that I am boring you. I think Jackson will be there, you two used to be such good friends."

"Dad, it's been at least fifteen years, I hardly think he would even remember me." Okay, definitely should have gone with Plan A; pretending to be asleep seems like it would have been a much wiser decision.

"Okay, I am leaving; call me if you change your mind."

Giving him a non-committal hum in response she listens as the sounds of his footsteps fall away. She feels bad about not going and she knows her father means well, but although she may be ready physically for some time out, she knows her mental state could use a little more convalescing. The questions and especially the pity she knows will be obvious on everyone faces, is something she's just not ready for yet. Another pang of regret hits her with the realization that this was her last chance to spend some time with him, he's leaving tomorrow. She's going to miss him and even though she has a slight feeling of trepidation at the thought of being on her own; she's looking forward to the time alone. She needs to think, organize her thoughts, and basically just get her shit together before she heads back to the city in a few weeks. A feat she knows will never be accomplished as long as her father is still here. She desperately longs to do it without his worried eyes tracking her every movement, analyzing every breath and twinge of pain; it's suffocating. Kate waits until she hears the sound of his car disappearing before she hauls herself out of the widow seat and heads down to the kitchen. The pain and rumble of her stomach a reminder that she has not eaten in hours and is way off schedule for her medications.

Shaking her head she can't stop the smile that pulls at her lips; the kitchen is a mess. Apparently her father made his famous potato salad to bring to the party. Her mother always used to tease him that it should be famous for the epic mess he made preparing it, not for the taste. Filling a glass of water, she takes her pills and tosses a piece of toast in the toaster; after yesterday she's not sure that her stomach is capable of anything more at the moment.

She can't believe it's already the forth. Being here at the cabin has been bittersweet, so many memories filling her with joy and sadness simultaneously. As a child she used to spend every summer here with her parents; the fourth was always one of her favorites. As she got older she spent less and less time here, opting to spend the holiday with her pseudo precinct family instead. Every year they would have a picnic, her fellow officers coming and going as their shifts started and ended. Softball games, three legged races, everyone just looking to blow off some steam and have a good time. Well aware even before she was shot, that her time with Josh was coming to an end; she had hoped to take Castle with her this year. She was planning on using the boys as an excuse, along with his inability to turn down a challenge to beat them at anything to her advantage. She misses all of them, but it's Castle that invades her thoughts constantly. When she closes her eyes and the nightmares come back, it's always his voice, his words of love, begging her to stay here with him; that gives her the strength to pull herself out of the darkness. So many times she's wanted to call him, but as the days pass it's become harder and harder to make the call; till finally it has been so long, the silence stretched out between them a gaping expanse, that seems insurmountable to span.

She hasn't turned her phone on in weeks, not since she called Lanie when she first arrived. Maybe he's called her, he was never one to leave her alone, even when she forced him out of her life, he would just keep showing up. He's been beside her for so long now that she can't even remember what it is like not to feel his presence. She feels her anxiety starting to rise at the thought; the what if's bouncing in her head like a pinball. What if he has called? Is she ready to hear what he has to say? Can she handle the heartbreak she's sure will be evident in his voice? What if he hasn't called? The thought that maybe he has moved on, that she finally has pushed him too far, would break her. The ding of the toaster draws her back and any thoughts of calling or checking messages is quickly shoved into a box and locked away into the dark recesses of her mind; with 'Do Not Fucking Open' clearly emblazed across the front. Smearing some jelly haphazardly on the toast, she grabs her plate off the counter, crosses the foyer and heads out to the patio; maybe some al fresco eating is just the thing she needs to clear her mind.


She awakes to a slight chill creeping across the bare skin of her legs. The sun is beginning to set, and has dipped below the tree line; casting her lounge chair in shadow. Her impromptu nap has done nothing to dispel the urge to check her messages. If anything the desire to know has increased as his words floated unwillingly through her subconscious mind. Lowering her feet to the deck she pads quickly into the house and ascends the stairs to her bedroom. Dropping down onto the mattress she extends a hand out to extract her cell phone from the nightstand drawer. Ignoring the voice in her head, the one that is screaming for her to stop, uttering words of caution, a clear warning that nothing good can come from the knowledge of whether he called or not; she depresses her finger on the power button and silently prays that the voice is wrong.

TBC

AN: A HUGE thank you to Tshlw for keeping me on track, I would have never finished this chapter without your help; thank you! And KJF3333 for you super ninja beta, you the best. A shout out to JoanaCTeixeira for taking the time to read my chapters in advance; fist bump. If you would like to follow me on Twitter you can do so at Pak_321 I also have an additional twitter account where I use the quotes to recreate scenes from the show, Twitter sized, you can follow that at Castleficlets. I do not own Castle, the characters etc., add in all the other usual disclaimers here.