Episode C: Executive Chef
Lightning's silver-white brow glistened with sweat. It had been a long morning of fighting changelings, and he had worked up quite an appetite doing it. Seeing as they just happened to be in Rainbow City, he could think of no greater place to eat than the renowned eatery: the Rainbow Dish Inn.
"It's so ridiculous that we have to pay for food." Lightning said as he flew. "We're heroes, and we deserve compensation for our good deeds!"
His companions comprised Starla Shine, Brain, and, due to a somewhat confusing order from higher up, Abra Kadabra and Goldwin. Though, since Abra Kadabra spent the last few hours disappearing and reappearing, and Goldwin was probably still in his statue form the entire time, it was mostly just the first three.
"Well, actually, it wasn't exactly us..." Brain corrected. "After all it was Twilight's magic that–"
"Okay, fine, she helped." Lightning said. "But the thing with the squirrels-"
"Erm, that was Fluttershy." Brain offered.
"But the plan, and the organization, that was all us!"
"You mean...Rarity?"
Lightning brushed it off. He was sure that he did something triumphant and wonderful in that battle, it was just eluding him right now. Maybe with a little something in his stomach, he'd know exactly what for.
Until the three (five?) of them saw something that made them stop cold. The familiar rainbow regalia of their favorite restaurant had been replaced with illustrations of various seductive manestyles. It was as if the entire Rainbow Dish had simply been written out of existence.
Curiosity was enough to motivate the team to enter, and, unsurprisingly, the building was filled with sinks, hairdryers, and wall after wall of luscious shampoos and polishes. Rapidly dashing towards them, to the point of blocking out all other sights, was a pink pony with wild corkscrews of hair.
"Hi, everypony! I can't believe it!" she shouted. "You all heard about Blossomforth's new salon, too? This is so exciting! I bet you all can't wait to ditch those stuffy old Unicornucopian manestyles and try something new!"
Her excitement was ebullient, but not infectious. Unfortunately, her presence only seemed to add to the confusion of the scenario.
"Oh, I know what your game is. My Pinkie sense said I needed to come here to give an exposition, and you must be the ponies I'm supposed to give it to!"
The winged unicorns idly nodded, though they still weren't entirely sure what she was talking about.
"Your friend Cookie Dough moved away a while ago, actually." she said. "He opened a posh new restaurant in Manehattan, and it's only the most exclusive place! I've been dying to go, and-" she gasped loudly, realizing something that must have been wonderful "-if you know him, that must mean he'd let you in without reservations!"
Lightning wasn't so sure. "A fancy restaurant? Our Cookie Dough? Can't be right. He could barely cook at all, and he definitely couldn't manage a kitchen!"
Brain and Starla shook their heads. "Um...not sure where your memories came from, old chap," Brain said, "but mayhaps she's telling the truth? As I seem to recall, people worshipped his food. He was verifiably a one-man cult."
"Oh, is that so? You really think his food was that good?" Lightning challenged.
"Bet! Bet! Bet!" Pinkie Pie cheered. "This is great! So, the two of you will set up those reservations, and then we'll see what his cooking is really like?"
"Oh, yeah. It's on." Lightning retorted.
Back on Equestria, Manehattan was truly a sight: the richest and technologically savvy of all cities. In United-Equestria, it faced little competition, as the monochromatic cities that found themselves juxtaposed against it literally paled in comparison. New Canterlot remained the cultural headquarters, but no city could compete for financial dominance. Those wealthy few who consumed conspicuously, did so here.
Star Fleet and the Friendship Force were on the afternoon train into the city centre. Lightning had suggested that they fly, though, given the massive size of United-Equestria and its resulting high gravity, the train quickly showed to be a superior option. The girls, Starla included were decked in dresses that truly proved them to be the ponies that everypony should know. The boys chose their Star Fleet best, which begged the question as to whether or not masks are the big new fashion trend.
"To think, after all these years I'm comin' back to Manehattan." Applejack reminisced. "I just hope it hasn't changed too much while I was gone."
"Oh, Applejack, surely you must be joking!" Rarity commented. "Manehattan is nothing but change. You'll be lucky if even one store is as you remember it!"
"So, tell us about where we'll be eating tonight." said Twilight, ever practical. Lightning and Brain glazed over, potentially hoping that she'd forget her own question. Rarity came to the rescue, magazine in hand.
"Why, at 512 on 7, of course!" she said with a swoon, tapping her hoof on pictures of tapenades and crème brûlées. "The only restaurant so divine it needs no name."
"Or so pretentious, more like." Applejack said.
"And...you say that you know someone who works there?" Twilight asked, her practicality recycled into skepticism.
"Not just anyone!" Pinkie cheered. "The...executive chef!"
Rarity's eyes opened even wider. "The Cookie Dough? Like, the Cookie Dough?"
Lightning was unimpressed by the conversation as a whole. "He's not the Cookie Dough, he's just regular old Cookie Dough. Honestly, I don't know what all the fuss is – he's just a friend we lost touch with three years ago. No big deal."
Twilight's mind sprang into action. "Lightning...has it ever occurred to you that maybe you're just a little jealous that he's gone off to live in Manehattan, leaving you in the same place you were three years ago?"
Lightning turned and left to find another car, giving no sign that he heard her. He needed to let her know that his reasons for feeling as he did were much more complex than that.
Once in the city, big as it was, it took little time to find 512 on 7. The fact that it was the building numbered 512 on 7th Avenue was a pretty helpful clue. The eight of them were fashionably early; Applejack wanted a chance to look around before they were ushered to their seats, but Rarity explained that, if you are an hour early to your appointment at 512 on 7, it is only proper to wait that entire hour.
A snooty looking host led them to a table, where Lightning Dawn and Starla Shine took seats at the head, Brain and Twilight Sparkle fell to their left, Rarity and Applejack on their right, and Pinkie Pie and Abra Kadabra somehow found their way to the other end of the table.
"Excuse me, sir, where are the menus?" Lightning asked.
"You are Mssr. Cookie Dough's personal guests, yes?" the greasy bluemaned maitrê'd asked them.
"Duh." Lightning responded, eloquently.
"He has prepared a special menu for you. Something he has selected specifically to pique your interest. I do hope you appreciate his efforts...whoever you are, you must be important to him."
The concept of a unique menu quickly became the premier topic of discussion. What could it mean that, when the Star Fleet members had almost completely forgotten their blue friend, he considered them important enough to serve up custom dishes for?
"I don't think we ever gave Cookie Dough enough credit." Starla said. "He really did try his best to keep us all healthy – why did we even stop hanging out with him in the first place?"
"You're just saying that because of that magical night you had together." Lightning said.
"Heh, I remember Granny Smith talkin' about somethin' like this once." Applejack said. "She made apple scones for all the ponies she hated at the school reunion. Laxative scones."
Thinking about it would have made Brain green, had that not been redundant. He tried to excuse himself from the table, but Twilight had other concerns.
"Brain, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. It's about that statue."
She pointed at the golden statue in the corner. They brought him here, for whatever reason, but since eating was not a concern for him, he instead merely sat in the corner and freaked out passerbys.
"This is hardly the time to talk about it, I should think." he said, brushing her off.
"They're all too distracted trying to figure out what kind of food Cookie Dough is going to bring us. But you know as well as I do that talking about it won't change it. So we might as well talk about something important."
Brain looked mildly uncomfortable with her logic, but had too much informed intelligence to dispute it.
"It's just...Goldwin isn't a living creature, is he?" Twilight asked. "He has never known certain emotions, nor does he know the difference between good and evil. Why does the Grand Ruler show such affection towards him?"
"Celesto shows kindness towards all." Brain quoted. "Why would he be different?"
"But he doesn't, does he?" Twilight asked. "Those three ponies who helped Nightmare Moon. They were real ponies, with thoughts, and feelings. Why didn't he show kindness to them?"
"Because they chose the wrong path. Such will happen to anyone who does so."
"But Goldwin is so young, so fragile-minded." Twilight said. "If he does something to oppose the Grand Ruler, surely it would not be his fault?"
"Any who oppose the Grand Ruler is at fault." Brain said, as if no thought went into those words.
"But I had to oppose Celestia in order to reveal the changeling queen's plan. She told me by the end of that how important it was that I don't blindly follow her."
"You don't seem to be talking about Goldwin anymore."
"I'm talking about mortality." Twilight said. "And maybe...morality. To create life and take it away as arbitrarily as your Ruler does...I wish someone could explain it to me. I need to know."
Brain stared at her intensely, hoping he would eventually develop the powers of a cockatrice and turn her to stone. At least if she were stone, that would answer the question about whether or not she should be allowed to live. Because right now, Brain just wasn't sure.
Around the table, the ponies were enjoying a very thick, brown liquid that they had been assured was coffee. Well, seven of them were enjoying it, anyway.
"What's wrong, Lightning?" Pinkie Pie asked. "Isn't this just the best? It's like a liquid party! And it makes me want to get up and help everypony...party!"
Lightning swirled the cup around a few times, and a bubble rose up to the thick surface. "I don't drink drugs. I can't believe Cookie Dough's trying to poison us with an addictive substance like this! And he made it way too thick!"
Rarity was quick to disagree. "Oh, I can assure you, this is no mistake. Coffee made like this is the finest in haute cuisine right now. What a refined stallion he must be to know about it!"
Starla finished drinking the last of her coffee, and turned her mug over on her saucer. Lifting it back up, she revealed a pattern of coffee grounds left on the dish.
"Ew, there's coffee grounds left in it too?" Lightning complained. "Don't tell me that's intentional, too."
"It's for guests to tell their fortune in, Lightning." Starla said. "You know? Like a fortune cookie?"
"That's so cool!" Pinkie said. "Quick, what does mine say? And can I have Lightning's cup too, so I can have double fortunes?"
"I already know what my fortune is going to be." Lightning said. "I'm going to get handed another inedible dish from the Cookie monster."
"Ahem." the waiter pony intoned. He was holding more dishes for their enjoyment: a delicate couscous featuring an assortment of nuts.
"Don't bother putting one in front of me." Lightning said. "I'm allergic to nuts, anyway."
Starla wasn't especially sure that he was, but she remained silent. It was hard to raise too much of an objection while enjoying her appetizer.
The pattern remained the same for most of the night. An entrée of salad featuring bamboo shoots and heart of palm? Useless, as Lightning does not eat the inside of trees. A main course starring the talents of a hearty eggplant? Lost on the deaf ears of Lightning's strict vows not to eat purple foods. Leaving only one course left for him to hate: the dessert course.
The seven ponies around him were quite stuffed, wondering how on United-Equestria they could possibly eat something more, and almost dreading the fact that they were unlikely to turn it down. Lightning's empty belly howled at them, not that they were interested in listening to it.
The waiter at long last brought out the final course: Key Lime Cupcakes.
Lightning burst out of his chair with anger. "What kind of a joke is this?" he shouted. "I was promised a meal, and everything – every thing – has been completely inedible!" He proceeded to punctuate his point by picking up everypony's cupcakes and tossing them on the ground, earning him a lot of complaints from his party. "I demand to see Cookie Dough, right now!"
The waiter kept an unbroken cool, despite the substantial amount of meringue spackled on his evening jacket. "You wish to see the executive chef?"
"Like he deserves to be called that." Lightning growled.
The waiter slowly walked away, making his way towards the kitchen in a deliberately circuitous manner. He would get Cookie Dough and get this all sorted out. Probably.
"I told you Cookie Dough doesn't know what he's doing." Lightning said to Brain.
"Uh...what are you talking about, chap? His coffee was most savoury..."
"...his couscous was easy on the eyes and the mouth," Applejack continued.
"...his salad truly put the trés in trés magnifique!" Rarity noted.
"...his eggplant was very fulfilling, if you gave it the chance..." Starla said.
"And I didn't even get a chance to try his cupcakes!" Pinkie Pie said angrily.
"What's going on here?" Lightning asked. "Are you telling me that all of you actually liked that rubbish that he called food?"
"Yes!" Twilight said. "Because unlike you, we actually ate it."
"I didn't need to try any to know it was bad. Just look at that stuff he served us. Gloppy coffee, and mushy grains, and weird salad, and some starchy mess on a plate? How could any of that possibly have been good?"
As he was ranting, a subdued force in blue wearing a double-breasted chef's jacket came to join the discussion. "Lightning...it's been a while. Did you follow my advice and try the ingredients of Equestria while I was gone?"
Many of the ponies at the table were starstruck. Pinkie Pie and Rarity didn't have enough good to say to Cookie Dough. Starla and Twilight complimented him more modestly. Abra Kadabra didn't have anything to say, which was in keeping with his behavior since entering the restaurant.
"Thank you, everypony, it is truly an honour to have such heroes eating my food." he said. "But, I'm here to talk to Lightning; after all, he is the one who called me out here. So, Lightning, what do you have to say about Equestrian food?"
"I think it's an insult. Who would bother eating food that wasn't made by our Celesto?"
Cookie Dough tried to hold back his laughter, but it wasn't very successful. "I think everypony at your table would. I specifically designed a menu of Equestrian favorites – because I wanted you to embrace this new world we live in, Lightning."
Lightning's mind immediately clicked into place. The coffee, the salad, the cupcakes. None of them were foods that he had as a child. None of them were foods that Celesto had ever made. That explained it. There was only one possible answer for why he would have made those foods.
"Ah ha!" Lightning exclaimed. "You revealed yourself so foolishly, didn't you?" He quickly whipped himself around into his famous battle pose. "In the name of Star Fleet...I will punish you!"
Everypony around him was pretty confused at this point. The members of Star Fleet in his vicinity were certainly not joining him in their battle forms.
"Um...Lightning." Twilight asked. "What are you talking about? Punish him for what?"
"To believe you were all fooled by this changeling's mockery!" Lightning narrated. "This is clearly not our Cookie Dough...but a dirty facsimile!" Lightning jumped into the air, and started to slap Cookie Dough with his wings.
"What are you doing?" Cookie Dough boomed, in a voice loud enough that even the most oblivious eaters tore themselves away from their meals.
"What a nightmare..." Rarity said. "To believe that I'll never get to eat at 512 on 7 ever again!"
"Don't be so dramatic, Rarity." Applejack said. "We're allowed to come back anytime we want. The only one who can't come back..."
Lightning was holding his head, trying to get the headache he sustained under control. "It could have happened to anypony! We're fighting changelings. Who knows who might be the enemy?"
"But you didn't have to insult his food. That was obviously over the line." Starla said.
"So, uh...this was awkward." Twilight said. "We'll...keep in touch?" The fact that her jaw was set in an awkward underbite suggested that she might not have actually meant it.
They split ways, agreeing to take separate trains back to where they came from.
"And to believe that the Princess makes you to friendship reports." said Pinkie Pie to her violet-coloured companion.
"That silver pony has issues. But, much as we'd like to, I don't think we can ignore them without the entire kingdom crashing down around us..." said Twilight as she gazed out the window, worried about what trial they'd be put through next.
