THEN THERE WAS LIGHT
CHAPTER 4
Dean had drifted back into the light. He had decided he liked being in the light more than in the real world. Everything was right here. Everything was good. He felt relaxed and happy. He was surrounded by a feeling of comfort and love. This is where he wanted to be.
For a moment, he thought that he needed to have Sam come with him. He needed him to see the light, to enjoy the feeling with him. He could do it, he knew he could. He wasn't completely sure how, but somehow, he knew he could bring his brother here with him.
He watched his brother grow through his memories. He watched his dad become a stronger hunter. He watched himself, grow into a man. Didn't see anything that was negative, well not too negative. If it was a negative memory, it held moments he had never noticed before. It held emotions of concern and love.
He could hear Sam, he was trying to wake him, trying to pull him out of his happiness. 'No, Sammy, no, I deserve this' he thought to himself. 'I deserve to be happy. I deserve to see the truth, the fact that Dad really did love me.' Sammy continued to try to wake him, slowly pulling him away from his tender light, back to the reality that all he wanted to do was escape.
"Sammyyy!" Dean grumbled. "Leave me aloneee!"
"Dean! You need to wake the hell up!"
"No, I don't!"
"Yes! You do, you can't stay asleep, you have to wake up, you have to live in the real world!"
"No, I don't!"
"Yes, you do! Dean, you have to wake up."
Dean started letting his eyes drift closed again.
"Dean! Wake up!"
"Sam, you should join me. It's so beautiful! And peaceful. There's a comfort there that you've never felt anywhere else, I guarantee it."
"Dean, I'm not going with you"
"Why not?"
"Because, I'm not going to turn into one of those things."
Dean rolled his eyes. "No one is turning into one of those creatures, its just a nice feeling, for a change."
"Yeah? And if I join you, then what?"
"I don't know, then we're both happy?"
"And asleep. Besides, how do you expect me to be able to join you?"
"I don't know, just go to sleep? That's when it seems to be the best, when I'm asleep."
"So, you think if I just go to sleep I'll join you? Dean, I've been asleep, every night, I've slept, and haven't joined you yet."
"Because, you haven't wanted to."
"Wanted to? Is that how this works? You have to want it?"
"How am I supposed to know? You're the brains of this operation."
"Okay, so, just talk to me. Why did you say I have to want it?"
"I don't know. In the darkness, it, the darkness, told me not to wake up. I told them I didn't want to stay asleep, it was too scary."
"Okay, and did it tell you how to stay asleep? How not to wake up?"
"Yeah, it told me I had to want it. I had to want to stay asleep and I would, I wouldn't have to live anymore, wouldn't have to face the pain of life."
Sam took a moment to think over the words he had just said. It saddened him because something in Dean's mind told him he didn't want to live anymore, living was too painful. Sam knew he had a rough life, they both have, but Dean's was by far worse. But he didn't want his brother to give up, to see life that way.
"So," Sam started. "The darkness wanted you to stay asleep? Has the light said anything to you?"
"No, it's not like I just hear voices all the time."
"Well, you are the one who is talking about the darkness speaking to you."
"Yeah, well…"
"So, the darkness, didn't want you to wake?"
"Yeah, we've already discussed that."
"Just, hear me out, Dean. The darkness didn't want you to wake, told you all you needed to do was WANT to stay asleep? When that didn't work, stage 2 kicked in and brought the light. But the light isn't scary, it's the complete opposite, right?"
"Yeah."
"And, because it's opposite, everything is so wonderful, right?"
"Yes."
"So, in other words, you're finding yourself WANTING to stay asleep?"
"Uh… Yeah."
"Do you see where I'm going here?"
"….yeah…"
Sam nodded his head. "Dean, like I've said, you need to stay awake, stay out of the light as much as you can."
"It's not that easy."
"Why not?"
"Because, it just comes, even when I'm awake. It's like, you know how memories just kind of come up sometimes? Well, it's like that, except with the memories comes the light. That and I just feel so tired, all the time."
"Yeah, because the light is pulling you in, making you want to join it, making you want to stay asleep."
"Yeah, I guess, I don't know what's going on with me. Sam, its kind of scaring me. I don't want to turn into one of those things, what am I supposed to do?"
"Dean, I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out, I really am. But the only thing I can come up with is for you to stay awake."
"Forever?"
"No, not forever."
"Then, how long?"
"Until I figure this out."
"Yeah, okay, so, how do I do that?"
"I don't know, it's not going to be easy."
"Will you stay awake with me?"
"Yeah, of course."
Dean just nodded his head. Silence falling over the empty air in the room. Dean's eyes felt heavy, he wanted to sleep, so he decided to go take a shower, hoping it would wake him up more.
Sam took the opportunity to do some more research while his brother showered. He wasn't coming up with much. He was feeling like he had reached all the information he was going to find. He wondered if the remaining answers were somewhere in his brother. He needed to find out what his brother knew. He needed to find out what his brother was feeling. He needed to get in Dean's head.
Dean rejoined Sam in the room. He still felt tired. He moved positions on the bed, then moved from the bed to the chair, back to the bed. He even made his way to Sam's bed, changing positions before sitting back on his own. Sam watched him silently, taking noticed of his behavior. The longer he stayed awake, the longer he pushed away any memories from coming to him, the more irritated he had gotten.
"Dean." Sam decided he needed to do something to calm his brother, and he also needed to try to find answers.
"Yeah?"
"So, tell me, the darkness, what was it like?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"But I need you to. I need to know, so I can try to help you. You said it was scary?"
"Yeah, it was like living in a nightmare. Everything was pitch black, the images of the memories were even darker. And, they wouldn't stop. They spun around me, making me feel confused and disoriented."
"What type of images, or memories?"
"Everything, anything, that was hurtful, it was like, I don't know. It was like it intensified the emotional hurt, like that was all that mattered. It made me feel like I didn't even deserve to live anymore. Like, I wasn't worth anything. All the times anyone hurt me, the things you know about, and the things you don't. And, the nightmares, they were way worse than anything I've ever had before."
"The things I don't know about?"
"Sam, you don't know everything."
"Yeah, right. So, how is the light the opposite?"
"Well, most of the images I see are good ones, and the ones that aren't… it's like I see things I didn't see before. I've seen the compassion in Dad's eyes, the sorrow he felt when he had to punish me, or do something he knew would hurt me. And, even the things that made no sense, it's like I understand them better. I know he did a lot out of aggravation because he was just so overwhelmed in life."
"And, do you think what you're seeing is true?"
"I… I never thought about it, I mean, I assumed it was."
"Yeah, but you haven't been exactly thinking straight, so who knows maybe the intense feelings, both good and bad, where just that, intensified for your 'pleasure'."
"Pleasure? Do you think the feelings in the darkness was pleasurable?"
"No, actually, I think it was just the opposite, which is why it wanted you to believe that staying asleep was better than living through more pain."
"Yeah, and now, staying asleep, living in the light, is still better than living through more pain." Dean dropped his head, he was so confused, he wasn't sure what to believe anymore.
"Yeah, so, that's why I need you to talk to me, to help me understand exactly what's going through your head, because somewhere in there, is the answers I need to fix this. Or, that YOU need to fix this. I'm not even sure if it's something I can do or if it's something you have to do on your own."
Dean just shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, all I know is I keep getting these feelings, I can't explain it. It's like… it's like I know things, but don't understand them. Like, going back to the cave. I knew something was there, I knew it would change the darkness. But I didn't understand it, I didn't know what it was. I mean, I had a dream about being in the darkness and itlooked like a cave… maybe?"
Dean wiped his hand down his tired face. "There were stone walls and symbols carved in the wall. And I also had a dream that I was standing, in the middle of all the dead, rotting flesh that was piled there, but they were in a pile shaped in a circle, and I was standing in the middle. There was no way out of it. And then, blood started pouring down on the dead bodies, making the bones and flesh slippery, and they started to shift, and the blood pooled around my feet then my legs. Then when they shifted, they started to fall, on top of me, burying me under them."
Dean stopped to take a deep breath then continued. "I started to panic. I felt like I was being buried alive. Dad would do that. he would take a wooden box, an old wooden casket, and make me dig a shallow grave, then he would lock me in, and cover it with the dirt, and I had to dig myself out before the oxygen was gone."
Sam cleared his throat. "Dean…uhh… I didn't know that."
"Yeah, well, like I said, there's still things you don't know. It was for training, you never know what situation you may find yourself in, you know that."
"Yeah, well…" Sam didn't know what to say to that.
"Hey, whatever, if nothing else it taught me to face my fears."
"Right, because being buried alive is something you should be afraid of?"
"Look, I don't want to get into this right now, okay? We've had this discussion. Dad did what he thought was best, he trained me so I could keep us safe, and it worked, no matter the method, no matter if we agree with it or not, it's worked. End of discussion."
"Yeah, okay."
"I thought you wanted to hear what's been going through my head? Not debate Dad's techniques."
"Yeah, I do, sorry. Go ahead."
"Like I was saying… after I had those images, or dreams, or whatever, I knew we had to go back, I knew there was something there. That's why I told you to burn the pile, I knew there was something under it. I can't explain it. Just like, I can't explain how I know I could bring you into the light with me. Something, I don't know, not like a voice, more like a… feeling? Told me you should be there with me, enjoying the comfort of the light. And, it told me I could bring you there, that it was possible. I don't know how, except for what the darkness told me, that all you have to do is want it. But, I know, somehow, it's possible. And I know if I really wanted to I could do it without a problem."
"How?"
"Like I said, I don't know how. It's just like I know things, but not completely know them. I'll just, I don't know, act without thinking, just preform motions… actions… and they just turn out the way I expected them to… Sam?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm starting to sound crazy, aren't I?"
Sam chuckled. "Dude, you've been sounding crazy for days, don't worry about it, that's what I'm here for, to try and fix it."
"What if you can't?"
"I will."
"I don't want to bring you into the light. I don't want you to be one of them."
"I don't want to either, don't worry about it, I can handle myself, you just worry about you, okay?"
"Yeah."
Silence fell in the room, causing Dean to shift positions again. He always had a problem staying still, but this felt different. He couldn't really explain the feeling, but it wasn't the same as feeling cooped up, or enclosed within the walls of the motel room. It was more like, if he couldn't sleep, then he needed to leave the room, so he could experience the outdoors, experience the positive things in life, so his good memories could come back. It felt almost like an addiction. Like he needed the light to keep him going. He needed the positive images in his head or he wouldn't be able to breathe.
"Dean, you okay?"
Sam's concern brought Dean's attention back to himself. He was hyperventilating. He was in an almost panic like state. He felt like his lungs were closing in on him.
"I need to go outside, get some fresh air."
"Dean, you need to stay in here, keep your mind clear."
"I can't, Sammy, I can't, I'm sorry."
Dean had a panic in his voice as he jumped from the bed and made his way out the door. Sam followed close behind, stopping him from walking away from the motel. Dean stood, with his back against the bricks that lined the outside of the motel. He was gasping for air, bent over, with his hands on his knees. Sam placed a hand on his shoulder, using a soothing voice to calm him down. Once his breathing was back under control, he took a moment to look around the parking lot.
"I remember the first time we ever stayed in a motel room." Dean chuckled. "It was the night Mom died. Dad tried to make it sound like fun, but it wasn't. I remember I was so excited, it sounded like it was going to be like a sleep over. I had never had one, but I had heard about them, or watched it on tv, I'm not sure which. But it wasn't fun. In the darkness, I remember Dad being an empty shell. Well, not completely empty, I mean he still managed to have some anger that he kept somewhere inside, but…"
Dean's voice trailed off.
"Dean?"
Sam pulled his thoughts back. "I blamed myself, for what happened that night. I thought I was bad, that's why Mom left. I didn't understand death or the demon or any of that. I thought if I was good then she would come back, but she never did, and Dad, he just got so hateful."
Dean paused again, then continued. "But, in the light, it all looked different. I saw the brokenness in Dad's eyes. The sadness and concern for us. I saw him overwhelmed with his new, unexpected life. He was an empty shell because he was depressed and wasn't sure what to do. It was like… like I could feel his emotions, not my own, his. He was scared, and worried about us. He wasn't sure what to do, so he did nothing, not wanting to screw things up."
Again, Dean took a quick pause, gathering his thoughts. "But what he didn't know was that by not doing anything, that screwed things up. That screwed me up."
Dean had a tear escape from his eye and run down his face. He quickly wiped it away. Sam gently guided Dean by his shoulder back into the room.
"So, you had the same memories in both, the darkness and the light, only from different perspectives?"
"Not all of them, but some, yes."
"What ones didn't happen in both?"
"Well, the things that causes nothing but nightmares. The things that other people did to me, or that had no reason behind it. Those were only in the darkness. There was no good in those times, only pain and heartache."
Dean again, wiped a tear from his face. "And, likewise, the things that were only good memories, like you and me, playing at the park when we were little, or the memories of before Mom died. The times you and I would sit and talk and laugh and be… brothers… those were only in the light, because there was no darkness in them."
Dean smiled when he mentioned those memories, then he continued. "Those are the memories I want to keep. The reason I want to stay in the light, stay in the happiness and love."
Dean wiped some more tears from his face as his memories came flooding back. "Sam, I want to feel that love again, it's been so long, man. So long since I've felt that happy. So long since I've felt so much peace and comfort. I don't even remember the last time I felt so safe, the last time I just sat and laughed and enjoyed the interaction with… well with anyone."
Sam's heart felt broken. He knew his brother had learned how to wear a mask a long time ago. Over the past couple of years, he had learned so much about Dean and the sacrifices he's made in life, but no story about his hardships could ever prepare him for the confession that was just spoken into the air. Dean couldn't remember when the last time he felt safe was? Or, the last time he was at peace with himself, with the world, with anything.
And Loved? He hasn't felt loved? Sam loved him, he was his big brother, the only person who was ever there for him, of course he loved him, couldn't Dean see that? Maybe that wasn't enough? Maybe he needed to feel the love from his parents. John had quit showing Dean love the night their family changed. Which means, he lost the love of both parents on the same night.
Sam, honestly, couldn't remember the last time they had just sat and talked about nothing and just laughed. He couldn't remember when the last time they had just been brothers, and not trying to save each other. Sure, he guesses there were small moments here and there, but they were drowned out by the life they lived, by another monster, or takenaway by someone who needed saved more than they needed the break.
"Dean, I'm sorry, I know I've been a crappy brother. And, I know we've had a crappy life, but that doesn't excuse the fact that you don't feel happy, or safe, or even loved."
"It doesn't matter, Sam. It is what it is. I've gotten used to it, but just feeling those things again, it… it reminded me what it felt like, and I just, even if just for a moment, I wanted to embrace it, to soak it all up, to stay there. Because, the thing is, it might be another 30 years before I ever get the chance to feel those things again."
"Dean, I love you, you do know that, right?"
"Sam, this isn't about that."
"Yeah, it is, partly anyhow. I mean, you've sacrificed so much for me. You've literally given your life for me. You gave up your happiness, your freedom, your safety, your need for love, everything… just for me. Just to make sure I was happy and safe and loved. And, I have never really taken the time to notice it, to thank you for it, to make sure that you, yourself, was happy and safe. I just… I just assumed you were, I guess. I don't know, I guess, honestly, I never really thought about it, and for that, I'm truly sorry."
"It's in the past, Sam, let's move on."
"It's not that easy for me."
"Right, because you need the 'caring and sharing, chick flick moments'."
"Um… if memory serves me correctly, which I'm sure it does, you've been the one needing the chick moments and a shoulder to cry on over the past couple weeks."
"Dude! Just shut up, bitch!"
"Jerk!"
Both brothers, smiled at each other, knowing everything was going to be okay. They still had each other, and that's really all that mattered, they would always find a way to push on, to get through anything, as long as they had each other.
