Chapter 4 - Cold Hands and Jam
After the movie night where everyone slept so peacefully, and rules were forgotten, Lexa came around almost every day. She became extremely close with Clarke, Octavia and Raven instantly. And although days and days went by where Clarke and Lexa have denied that they were anything more than best friends, Octavia and Raven wouldn't give up on playing matchmaker with the two stubborn girls. They looked at each other like everything else blurred, like they were wanting to dive into each other and devour one another, to crawl into one another's skin and kiss every single scar that littered their bodies. They looked at each other like no one else in the world mattered. And Raven and Octavia knew they would end up together, with or without their help. It was just fun to see Clarke and Lexa's irritated stunned selves whenever Octavia and Raven played the "parent trap" trick on them every chance they could get.
Still, Clarke and Lexa insisted they were just really close best friends no matter what Raven or Octavia did, and they would just have to live with the fact that for once in their lives they were wrong. Octavia and Raven knew they were anything but wrong about Clarke and Lexa. And nothing was getting in their way of being matchmakers for their two lovesick best friends.
One year later from the sleepy movie night, Octavia and Raven are in the living room of their apartment placing tons of furry blankets on the couch, on the floor, and on the recliner. Movie night has gained a few more tagalongs. Lincoln, Octavia's boyfriend, who finally made it official, Monty and Jasper whom worked with Lexa at Burger Joint, and Bellamy, Octavia's older brother who moved back to their hometown after switching colleges to the one everyone else went to. Clarke and Lexa were in the kitchen popping popcorn and taking out fat liters of sodas out of the fridge. Octavia and Raven looked on at them and started to think of their own plan before something unravelled before their very eyes. Something small, yes. But still something that seemed to electrify Lexa and Clarke and make Octavia and Raven's jaws drop.
"Seriously, Clarke?" Lexa chuckled and shook her head at the blonde hooking her finger into the full jar of strawberry jam that they recently purchased. Clarke pulled a huge glob of red ooze from the jar and sucked her finger clean. She groaned in delight.
"Yes, really." Clarke muffled out between the large amount of jam occupying her mouth.
"I really don't understand you obsession with jams and jellies."
"Well," Clarke pulled another glob out of the jar. "Come here."
Lexa stared at her dumbfounded, but stepped in front of Clarke, close enough that their chests were almost touching. Lexa kept the hitch in her breath down as best as she could as she locked eyes with Clarke's big beautiful blue ones. They shimmered in the dull light of the kitchen and they darted quickly down to Lexa's lips, then back to her eyes. Lexa's breath was held completely now, her body tense, her brain completely focused on only Clarke. She thought maybe they would just stand there like that, she felt she could do that forever, the ocean in her eyes had a way of taking her from the shores of reality and into her own little world of want and desire, and Lexa learned to stop internally denying herself of her want for Clarke. But then, Clarke's arm started to move up, and before Lexa knew what was truly happening, Clarke's finger was hovering over Lexa's lips. The jam was starting to slowly slide off of Clarke's finger, so Lexa opened her mouth the slightest bit and Clarke swept her index finger over Lexa's plump lips. Lexa's heart started to beat frantically and the breath she had been holding in was starting to burn her lungs, but she kept herself transfixed in the moment, her eyes still locked with Clarke's. Clarke let her finger edge a bit further into Lexa's mouth, and her lips slowly closed around Clarke's finger, sucking the jam clean from the digit slowly. Just like Clarke had done when she herself had licked the jam from her finger, she groaned. But this time it wasn't from the taste of strawberry on her tongue. It was from the sight before her. Lexa's plump pink lips closed around her finger and Lexa's forest green eyes boring into her so intensely. She chastised herself knowing that everyone heard the groan.
Clarke's pupils were blown and the small sliver of blue remaining was dark blue, like she was fighting off a storm deep inside of her. The sound she let out made heat bloom from Lexa's cheeks, to other places she was trying to ignore. Clarke looked stunned as she pulled her finger from Lexa's lips with a loud 'POP'. They stood there staring at one another in awe. The air was thick and Lexa felt like she was being stifled. Like she was living in a furnace. Clarke felt ache throb through her body and she wanted to run.
A loud knock on the door made all four girls jump, ruining the spell for Clarke and Lexa and the show for Raven and Octavia.
"You two seriously need to get over yourselves and get a room," Octavia sighed and walked over to the front door to let the rest of their friends inside. Lexa let out the breath she had been holding in for way too long and Clarke slammed the lid onto the jam jar and shoved it back into the fridge, knocking cartons of milk and old left overs off of the shelves in the process. Lexa thought she would save Clarke a little from the embarrassment, and walked into the living room with the three bowls of popcorn cradled in her arms. Clarke huffed out a frustrated sigh and cleaned up her mess. At least the mess at her feet.
"Dude, you can't just say that about Fallout. You don't even play it." Jasper scolded Monty as they rushed into the apartment trying to escape the remainder of summer's heat.
"I've seen him play at least once." Bellamy said from behind them. "And I'm gonna be completely honest here, Mont. You weren't good." Monty scoffed at Bellamy's comment, but before he could say anything, Jasper nudged him playfully toward the couch.
Lincoln closed the door behind all four of them and refused to let himself in on their conversation of video games. Octavia greeted him with a kiss that lasted longer than it probably should've and everyone groaned in annoyance.
"Maybe you two are the ones who should get a room," Lexa griped in retaliation to Octavia's earlier comment on her and Clarke.
Octavia smirked and patted her buff boyfriend on the chest.
"We have already gotten one, many times." Octavia smirked and kissed Lincoln chastely as the rest of the group groaned again.
"No more nerd talk by the way. We need to figure out which movie we're watching tonight." Raven piped up from her place on the recliner.
"We aren't watching Fried Green Tomatoes," Jasper said as he sat on the floor in front of the couch beside Monty and Bellamy. "There's only so many times we can watch that dude get hit by a train and that sweet lady die."
"You cry every time Ruth dies," Monty pointed out.
"Well it's sad okay?"
"What about Magic Mike?" Octavia waggled her eyebrows.
"That wouldn't be a very interesting movie for Lexa," Raven laughed. Lexa rolled her eyes and subconsciously made her way to find the safety of Clarke where she wouldn't be teased.
Clarke was putting the two liters of soda away and bringing out cases of chilled beer instead when Lexa approached her.
"Gave up on the sugar?" Lexa smirked. Clarke smiled back and handed one case of beer to Lexa.
"I think this night could use some alcohol. I hear them bickering in there already."
Lexa had the sudden overwhelming urge to hug Clarke. That happened a lot when she was around the beautiful blonde. Lexa always found herself wanting to be close to Clarke, the girl was like a living heater. She was the sun after all. And Lexa was always so cold. Clarke wondered what Lexa was pondering as she stared off into face, her concentration forming a pout on her lips. Clarke softly tapped her with her free hand and Lexa snapped out of it and blushed hard.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Clarke grinned. Lexa blushed even more. Her thoughts always contained Clarke and it was killing her. She needs to control herself.
"I was just thinking about tomorrow," Lexa lied. She tried to steer away from the truth but spun herself down a worse subject. She doesn't talk about her parents or about what happened to them often, but she had told Clarke a sliver of it. Clarke's face saddened and she rubbed soothing circles into Lexa's lower back.
"If you want, we could go do something to maybe take your mind off of it? Or we could visit them?" Clarke offered in reassuring voice and bored her eyes into Lexa. Lexa looked up at Clarke and gave a fake smile.
"Yeah, I think I'll take you somewhere. It's important." Clarke nodded and new this was new. Lexa hadn't ever dove deep into discussion about her parents. Whenever everyone else mentioned theirs, she just stayed quiet and waited for the subject to pass so she wouldn't have to speak on it. This meant a lot to Lexa, Clarke already knew. And she wouldn't turn it down for the world.
"I'm here, Lex. I hope you know that." The sentence came out of Clarke's mouth in almost a whisper and once again, they were locked in some sort of trance. Then a loud eruption of laughter from their friends in the living room broke it and they both sighed in relief.
"Y'know, we're lucky to have those nerds in our lives," Clarke chuckled.
"Yeah, well they might just make us watch Magic Mike so I'm pretty sure you'll rethink that statement." Lexa and Clarke shook their heads at the male stripper on the tv screen when they entered the living room and sat on the couch. Their friends devoured them like savages for the cold beer, and they were left curled up in one another. They stayed like that through the entire movie.
The next day came fast since Lexa had fallen asleep in Clarke's embrace in the first ten minutes of the movie. Lexa blinked open her eyes and squinted at the sunshine coming through the sliding glass door. She wasn't ready for the day to start. Her parents' death anniversary was always a grim day in which she spent her time alone enveloped in tons of fuzzy blankets while reading a book or studying, and maybe even watching a movie to keep her mind off of the image of her parents bloody and lifeless. But this time, she was taking Clarke to the most important and favorite place of hers. A place she hasn't shown anyone before. A part of her was scared to show Clarke this part of her, but the rest of her screamed for her to open herself more. To wipe away the dust in her soul and be the strong woman she pretends to be. She knows she can't run from what happened forever. And this is a step to acceptance. A step to moving on.
Lexa ended up staying in cuddled up into Clarke until Clarke woke up and stretched. Clarke reached her arms over her head in a long stretch and subconsciously shoved her chest into Lexa's face. Lexa pretended to not notice and ignored the pulse between her thighs. The morning went by fast and after showers, short breakfasts of bagels and coffee, and stepping over a still sleeping Raven on the floor of the living room, they were headed out to the place Lexa hadn't been to in years.
As Lexa drove, she trained her eyes on the road ahead of her. Clarke hummed softly to the song playing from the radio and stared out the window at the trees running past the car in various shades of green blurs. Driving through the backroads of town was amazingly beautiful. The sky was larger and filled with hues of blue and purples. The mountains in the distance stood out like dark scribbles against the open sky and Lexa felt just how much she truly missed it hit her hard in the chest. It was so peaceful being away from the obnoxious city where nothing and no one ever seemed to stop and everything happened at astonishing speed. Being out in the mountains and woods gave Lexa a sort of tranquility. And just as soon as the car hard gurgled up the mountain and Lexa pulled over to her family's little spot, and stepped out of the car, letting the fresh air kiss her skin, she felt a wave of euphoria run travel through her trembling body. No matter the damage done here, this place would always somehow be her place to go when things get too dark. She was perfectly fine with sitting away from the cliff where her parents lost their lives. She didn't like to think it happened here. She didn't like to think it happened at all.
"So, this is it?" Clarke asked as she looked around the vast expansion of trees and the cliff overlooking the city. She was absolutely mesmerized, and although her ears were still popping from the elevation, she was so honored to have been the one Lexa brought to her special place.
"Yep," Lexa sighed. "This is it."
Lexa sat on the hood of her car, and Clarke joined her, trying her best not to slip with her wobbly legs. She looked at her beautiful best friend and wondered what happened to her parents here. Anything could've happened. But she think she had an idea of what it was. Still, she knew she would never push Lexa to talk. Lexa would talk when she was ready, or not at all. And Clarke was more than fine with that.
The girls sat in silence as the small gusts of wind caressed them and the tree branches danced slowly against one another. Clarke thought to herself how truly peaceful it was to just sit there in a comfortable silence with the person she thought the absolute world of. She looked over at Lexa and saw the grim stoic face Lexa had on and her heart started to melt. She knew this was a hard day for her. Her parents weren't talked about enough for Clarke to know much about them, but she knew their deaths tormented Lexa daily, and she wished the brunette didn't have to suffer through it constantly. With a sudden surge of boldness, Clarke grabbed Lexa's hands and laced their fingers together. Lexa looked down at their joined hands, then at Clarke and smiled softly. The baggage of the day was finally weighing her down but having Clarke there with her made it a bit easier to breathe. And she knew she had to explain to Clarke. She hadn't talked about it with anyone besides Anya. Clarke was important to her, and she kept reminding herself not to be scared to open up to the sun.
"It was a week before my birthday," Lexa said suddenly. "They were having a night off because work and me and my younger brother had been stressing them out. Me and my brother would constantly fight and bicker back then and it drove them nuts. So they decided to have a date night here." Lexa gestured with her hands at the space around them, and right then the wind picked up, making Lexa's hair whip against her face. Clarke brushed the long brown locks away and behind Lexa's tiny ear and nodded for her to go on.
"This was our place. We would camp here all of the time during summer. We always found relaxation here when the world was spinning too fast or not at all. This was our safe haven. But that night, they must have had a fight or something. When they pulled up, they didn't park, they kept going and drove straight off the cliff." Lexa's hand was shaking, and Clarke wished more than anything that she could soothe her. Clarke brushed her thumb over Lexa's knuckles, ignoring the sheer cold emitting from the trembling hand.
"After that, my brother and I never fought. We haven't really spoken in a while. He went to Europe and got some job there making burlesque outfits." Lexa huffed. Clarke unlaced their hands and wrapped her arm around Lexa. Lexa curled into Clarke closer and let the warmth of her body calm her. Being cradled by the sun has a lot of perks Lexa thought to herself.
"You're strong, Lex. You know that right?" Clarke nearly whispered. "And you need to know it wasn't your fault, whatever happened that made them go over that cliff, it was not your fault." Lexa let Clarke's words sink deep into her, and she replayed them over and over to make it stick. It had to stick. She had to battle the guilt, the sadness. It was not her fault.
After another stretch of silence Clarke asked, "Could I sing to you?" Lexa lifted her head slightly to look up at Clarke's beautiful face. She held no trace of pity which made Lexa happy. She couldn't stand being pitied. It made her even more aware of how broken she really was. And all she wanted was to forget.
"Of course," Lexa whispered, trying not to get completely lost in Clarke's sea of blue. Lexa laid her head back onto Clarke's shoulder and waited for the angelic voice to lull her nerves. Clarke cleared her throat then started to sing in her beautiful husky voice.
"This feels right and I'm letting it
And now I know just what to do
Tire of me if you will, my dear
I will not tire of you
And this is the world as I see it now
Turns out that nothing is fair
You can leave me if you wish, my love
But I'm not going anywhere"
The lyrics mixed with Clarke's smooth voice made Lexa feel so calm yet her heart felt like it was running a marathon. She knew she was in love with Clarke. She had known for awhile, but as Clarke held her and sang to her in her most peaceful yet haunted place, she knew Clarke was her person. She wanted to spend her life by Clarke's side battling the bad and enjoying the good. Laughing with each other and being there for one another. Going to bed together and waking in each other's arms. Lexa wanted all of it, but it terrified her to no end.
"Endless distraction, you worry me
But I'm trying to figure out how
You don't have to make any promises, love
I'm afraid I might die for you now
And I'd kill just to watch you as you're sleeping
I hope that you'll let me, in time
You don't have to call me yours, my love
Damn it, I'm calling you mine"
Lexa found herself unconsciously bury her face into Clarke's neck. She could feel the vibrations from Clarke's voice against her nose and a wave of serenity spilled over her. LIke nothing in the world could hurt her. Clarke wove her fingers in Lexa's brown curls and massaged her scalp as she sang the last bit of the song.
"And please do not hurt me, love,
I am a fragile one, and you are the light in my eyes
Please do not break my heart,
I think it's had enough pain to last the rest of my life
And I will not tire of you"
Clarke let the last few lines of the song drift away in a whisper as it disappeared in the wind and what came along next was a blissful silence. Lexa didn't realize her lips were pressed right up against the skin of Clarke's neck, Clarke had moved her blonde tresses away when she was singing. Clarke knew now wasn't the right time to be affected by Lexa's plump lips against her erratic pulse, but she couldn't help it. Clarke let out a shaky sigh and Lexa moved her lips into a kiss and softly kissed Clarke's neck before she moved away. Clarke looked at her like she was the moon. Luminous beautiful light shoving the darkness away. Clarke looked at Lexa and her vibrant green eyes and then it hit her hard; She was in love with the moon. Clarke Griffin was in love with Lexa Woods and there was absolutely no way that she could deny it anymore. Lexa looked at her with a look of want as hard lips separated and drank Clarke in. The weight of the day gone, but not forgotten, Lexa whispered, "Let's go home."
They both hopped off of the hood of the car and before Clarke could stop herself, she said shortly, "I am home."
The drive back was filled with talk about many different things. They talked about Lexa's brother, Aden. And they joked about Raven and Octavia going on runs with them. Things were light hearted and sweet. Being with Clarke was easy, and Lexa figured she was home as long as she was with Clarke too.
"Really? You haven't seen Pulp Fiction?" Clarke said incredulously.
"Nope," Lexa giggled. "I haven't seen a lot of things remember?" Lexa lifted an eyebrow and grinned at Clarke's look of awe.
"Well, hey, you have come a long way with that since becoming friends with Octavia and Raven. Those girls are movie crazed."
"I understand why. It takes you away." Lexa shrugged and trained her eyes on the road. Clarke let her eyes run over the beauty that sat beside her and she couldn't help but feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
"What is your favorite movie, Lex?"
Lexa gripped the wheel and bit her lip. "The Wizard of Oz."
Clarke's smile grew so wide she thought it would split her face open.
"Turn left on Denton instead of right," Clarke instructed.
"Why?" Lexa flicked the blinker and the clicking noise filled the car.
"Well, love," Clarke rested her hand on Lexa's thigh. "We're going to the movies."
Notes/
Sorry it took me so long to update. I've been sick. The song is 10am Gare du Nord by Keaton Henson.
