Here you go, I'm back guys, not 100% but im trying to get myself together enough to get some of my fics where they need to be. I apologize for going MIA again, and I wont say its the last time because i tend to do that sometimes. You guys just gotta bear with me and be patient. I appreciate those who continue to read my stories even when I'm not present, it honestly helps me knowing you guys care enough to continue and be patient with me.As always, let me know what you think. I've not been competely mentally present so im not sure how great this chapter will be.Also im trying to work on my other fics soooo, be patient, no promises.
The two women sat silently together on Amanda's couch as some corny sitcom played on the television. They ordered pizza and drank wine. Amanda hoped it would calm both of their nerves, enough that Olivia would open up and talk about what had been going on with Brian.
She couldn't help but let her mind wonder to the fact that they'd be sharing a bed tonight, a relatively small bed at that. Being in such close proximity to the Lieutenant in bed made her think inappropriate thoughts. She tried her best to rid her mind of them.
"What are we even watching?" Olivia asked, finally breaking the silence.
"I'm not sure, it's an older show though. Do you want to watch something else?" Amanda asked, extending the remote in case Olivia wanted to change the channel.
"I'm not really watching it anyways, but thank you." Then the silence came back, covering the room like a thick blanket of questions. After a long, quiet few minutes Amanda decided to ask.
"So Liv, if you don't mind me asking, when did all this Brian stuff start?" Amanda asked, hesitantly, not wanting to upset her boss.
After a long silence, Olivia spoke up. "A few weeks ago I guess. He's been drinking allot, you know with everything going on with work, he's always off. It's like they're pushing him out or something. So he drinks when he's not working. And when he drinks, he really drinks. And he gets mad allot, over small things. When he gets like that I try to leave but sometimes I can't. He pulls me back into the apartment and accuses me of cheating on him because he says I don't love him anymore." She says, everything pouring out of her at once as if a dam had broke inside of her and everything she had been holding in came spilling out.
"Do you?" Amanda asked hesitantly.
"Do I what?" this was not the question Olivia had expected next.
"Do you still love him?" she asked, as if a yes or no answer would suffice that question.
Olivia just looked at her, unaware that tears had begun to fall silently.
"Liv, not loving someone anymore doesn't make you a bad person. In fact, after everything you've gone through, and I'm not just talking about Brian, it would be normal for you not to love him anymore. You were with him before all the Lewis stuff happened, and you're a different person now." Amanda said in a caring tone, close to the one she used with victims. She reached forward and wiped away the tears from Olivia's face. "No one would judge you if you weren't in love with him anymore." She smiled warmly as Olivia finally met her gaze.
"I don't think I do." She finally said sadly. "I don't think I have for a long time but I didn't want to admit that it was over."
"And that's perfectly okay, Liv. You're a wonderful person, and you deserve the world." The wine causing a distant buzz at the base of Amanda's skull, making her more bold as her feelings started to surface. "You are a beautiful, intelligent, strong woman. And if Brian doesn't see your worth, fuck him, he's an idiot." Both women now had tears in their eyes as they gazed at each other with linked hands. Something had definitely shifted with both women, and both could feel it. They didn't know exactly how to describe it, but they both knew words weren't necessary.
"How about we go to bed, we can talk more in the morning about whatever you'd like." Amanda suggested, not wanting to push Olivia emotionally. Olivia nodded her agreement with a slight smile. "You go ahead and get ready and I'll clean this up and meet you in there in ten minutes."
Olivia made her way to the bathroom, her mind heavy with thoughts of Brian, and someone else she didn't expect; Amanda Rollins. It wasn't the simple thoughts of Amanda helping her or taking care of her, but thoughts of the blondes hands roaming her body in ways she blushed to think about. After she was changed into comfortable clothes, she walked into Amanda's bedroom hesitantly, as if she were invading her personal space, and in a way she was, but Amanda wanted her there. She had o keep reminding herself of that fact, having been used to such strict personal rules.
"Don't touch my things."
"Mind your fucking business, you don't care anyway."
She was still standing in the doorway of the bedroom, lost deep in thoughts and memories when Amanda approached her from behind. She could see that Olivia wasn't entirely present in the moment so instead of reaching out and touching her arm, she spoke.
"Liv? Are you okay?" she said, worry etched in her face, laced in her voice. After a moment of silence she tried again. "Olivia, it's me, Amanda, are you okay?" this time she did reach out an touch Olivia lightly on the arm, causing Olivia to jerk away and turn around faster than what was necessary, a look of shock and fear clear on her face.
"Amanda?" Olivia asked as if she didn't believe her own eyes that Amanda was standing in front of her. To prove it to herself even further, she reached out and ran her fingers lightly along the blondes jaw, earning a shiver from Amanda. She closed her eyes, reveling in the touch as Olivia's hand traveled down the side of her neck.
"Liv, are you okay?" Amanda asked quietly. Her skin on fire where Olivia had touched her, leaving her yearning for more.
"Yeah I'm okay." Olivia breathed, she too was left wanting more. "Are you okay?" she asked, looking directly into Amanda's darkening blue eyes, her arousal evident.
"I think we should go to bed now." Amanda said, wondering if Liv had caught her double meaning. Olivia simply nodded and turned to the bed.
"Uhm, which side do you prefer?" Olivia asked, looking at the small bed in Amanda's bedroom.
"Either is fine, I usually end up in the middle anyway, it doesn't really matter." Amanda shook her head, trying to clear it of the thoughts running wild just a moment ago. She watched Olivia climb into bed and make herself comfortable before she joined her. Walking around to the other side of her bed she gently climbed in, taking care not to jostle the brunette while she did it.
"Amanda you don't have to be so careful with me, you're okay you know?" Olivia teased, bumping Amanda lightly with her elbow, earning a grin from the blonde to her right. They just smiled at each other for a few long minutes. The silly grins and occasional giggles faded into longing looks, and urges to just reach out and touch the other one. After a while, Olivia gave in; she reached across the distance between them, her fingers gently touching Amanda's cheek, tucking her golden blond hair behind an ear so she could see her face. She was beautiful, so, so beautiful it almost hurt Olivia to look at her, knowing she shouldn't, no couldn't have her, couldn't touch her, shouldn't be having such thoughts.
"Liv, I know what you're thinking, but I don't think it's a good idea at the time." Amanda said, breaking the silence that had covered the room. As much as it hurt her to turn Olivia down, because God she wanted her, she was way too vulnerable right now and she didn't want to take advantage of her in this state. The saddened look on Olivia's face was nearly enough for her to give in, it simply broke her heart to see Olivia look that way. "Not that I don't want to, because god do I want to, you have no idea. But I would feel like I'm taking advantage of you. You only just opened up about the abuse Liv." She explained, hoping to get rid of some of Olivia's worry.
"Don't you understand Amanda? I'm craving a kind touch, a loving touch, and I only want you to be the one to do it. If its because I'm your boss, I get it, I would understand that. But does that really matter? We're both adults, it shouldn't matter because I know you want me as much as I want you." Olivia said, her confidence in that never wavering.
Amanda's jaw went slack, she hadn't been hiding her feelings nearly as well as she had thought. The emotion she saw in Olivia's eyes was different than what she had seen over the course of the day, it was passionate and deep instead of the hurt distant look she had been showing. As much as she wanted to, Amanda couldn't speak, her voice hidden away somewhere deep inside her.
"Are you saying I'm wrong? Am I reading too much into something, creating things in my head? Because I'm going to have to be honest, I won't believe that for a second." Olivia said, starting to ramble and not allowing Amanda to get a word in edgewise. "Can you please just say something?"
"Liv, it's not because you're my boss. Its got nothing to do with that. I do not trust myself to not let it go too far, if I allowed myself to touch you, I wouldn't be able to stop. If I kissed you I wouldn't be able to pull away, even if it was just to take a breath. It's all I can do seeing you walk into a room and not launch myself on you." She stood up from the bed, on a roll now. It was as if every thought she'd had about Olivia was spilling out of her mouth, leaving her unable to stop it. She paced the floor next to the bed.
Olivia remained silent, allowing Amanda to release her pent up feelings. "How can you think I'm just turning you down? Do you honestly believe that? I said no because after what you've been through what kind of person would I be if I took advantage of you? And what if you're just needing comfort and you don't feel the same way as I do, I can't do this and have you regret it in the morning. That would destroy me." She turned and faced Olivia now, her hands shaking and her eyes watery. She hadn't meant to blow up the way she had, but she needed Olivia to know.
Olivia, who had been sitting silently watching Amanda in awe, the way she poured herself out, the way she fought an obvious internal battle with herself. Slowly Olivia crawled to the side of the bed where Amanda stood. She reached out and took Amanda's hand and laid it on her chest, over her heart, which was beating wildly out of control. "I would never regret a second with you." She said, her words filled with such emotion, they caused the tears threatening to spill from Amanda's eyes to finally take that plunge and spill down her face. Olivia reached with her other hand and wiped them away, giving her a loving smile. "I wouldn't regret you, Amanda, there's no way in hell. Do you feel my heart? YOU do that to me, just being near you does that to me. I should've left him sooner. I would've had I known you felt the same way. I could never regret you." She slid her arm around Amanda's small waist and pulled her close so they were face to face. So close that she could feel the breaths coming from Amanda's perfect mouth, lingering with her own breath. "I. Want. You. Amanda." She breathed before closing the distance between them. At the very least she needed to kiss the blonde, not that she thought it would be easy to stop there. She knew it would be very difficult to stop, but she also respected Amanda's wishes. If she truly didn't want to do this, Olivia would back off. But from what she had just heard, Amanda had wanted this for a long time. When their lips met, it was as if fireworks went off behind Amanda's eyes, the room went silent and nothing else existed. It wasn't hurried or fast, but slow, and gentle. It didn't last long but they both knew no more words were needed after that kiss. They finally pulled away from each other, looking into the others eyes longingly, but somehow they both knew that was as far as they should go that night.
"Now, I think we should go to bed. You're right, I don't trust myself enough not to take it as far as it will go. But tonight, that's really all I need." Olivia said, shifting back some to give Amanda some room to climb into bed next to her.
Slowly, Amanda made her way into the bed next to Olivia. She was content, confused, but content. And the thought of getting to sleep next to Olivia, get to cuddle Olivia, finally be able to feel her. As she settled into the bed they both lay down facing each other. There was a silence now settling on the room like a thick blanket covering them. It was Olivia who broke the silence with a nervous giggle.
"God! I feel like a nervous teenager having just told my 'crush' that I 'like like' them. And now were laying in bed not touching each other, just staring." She laughed, causing Amanda to laugh with her.
"That's pretty much how this feels, should we I don't know, cuddle a bit or something? You know, be adults about it?" Amanda asked with a smile, a hopeful smile.
"I like the idea of that." Olivia said, a relieved sigh escaping her. She scooted closer to Amanda and hesitantly laid her head on the blondes chest, laying an arm over her stomach and holding her close.
Amanda, understanding that Olivia needed to be held, instinctively wrapped an arm around the brunettes waist, pulling her even closer. Without anymore words, Olivia easily drifted off to sleep, leaving Amanda awake to wonder about everything that had just transpired between them.
"I would never regret a second with you."
"I. Want. You. Amanda."
Olivia's words swirled around in her head in a mix, leaving her dizzy. She closed her eyes, praying that sleep would bring her dreams of the beautiful brunette sleeping soundly next to her. Perhaps tomorrow would bring more for them, obviously there was a lot they needed to talk about, and they would, they had to. She just prayed that Olivia was being honest when she said she would never regret being with the blonde. As sleep finally overtook her, the only thing on her mind was Olivia Benson.
