Nightmare's Reign by Demi Elliott
Note to all: The characters and S.T. Universe are not mine, but the dreams are.
Tom's meeting with his Captain had not gone well. Now, he was to attend Mandatory Counseling for an unspecified amount of time. Just the thought caused his stomach to spasm in distress. He swallowed hard against the sour taste invading the back of his throat. Blunt and to the point, the Captain had told him that further incidences of aggression and physical violence would not be tolerated and then ordered him to begin counseling sessions forthwith. Tom's only alternative would be to resign from Star Fleet.
And of course the Ghandi, being such a small ship, had no counselors among the medical staff so Tom soon found himself sitting for the required hour each day, across from a hologram. He found it incomprehensible that anyone realistically expected these sessions to be in any way helpful. As it was, he was extremely uncomfortable with the idea of sharing his intimate thoughts and dreams with anyone, much less some holographic facsimile. Deanna was the only person he'd ever truly been comfortable talking with and she, "for his own good" had continually rebuffed his efforts at correspondence for several months now.
Since he had kept the events of his previous life to himself, none of his shipmates (except for the captain and doctor) knew about the transporter malfunction, or how he had been ripped away from everything and everyone important in his life, and he'd told no-one about the way he'd lost Deanna. Verbalizing his loss would make it real and all he wanted was to wake up and have it all be a bad dream.
Most of the time, Tom felt alienated from his crewmates and he didn't spend much effort on trying to get to know any of them. It was far easier to remain on non-speaking terms, at odds with everyone, then to make a stab at developing any relationships that went beyond simple acquaintance. He didn't want to be the object of pity or worse, gossip fodder for the entire fleet.
In his better moments, Tom tried not to blame anyone for the unfortunate situation in which he found himself. But he'd been violated to the depths of his soul and the knowledge that he would never get back what had been his was more than he could cope with. So most of the time, he vacillated back and forth between anger and despair. He did his best to keep his emotions in check by relying heavily on the old "Riker" charm, learning what others expected of him, and trying to provide it, but there had been one too many episodes where he'd lost control.
His memories and dreams of Deanna were his only respite from the constant aching of aloneness. Knowing it was self-destructive, but desperate and needing so much to see Deanna, to hear her voice, he replayed the last communication he'd received from her over and over. He intently watched her eyes, her hands, and listened to the soft tone of her voice as she told him that she believed that it would be best for the two of them to have only minimal contact from now on, that it was important that he get on with his life.
It wasn't fair…he was falling apart and he needed her with him…..it wasn't fair…………………..
