A/N: Ah yes, Finally a chapter for over here huh? I fear that some of you would like to throw darts at me so such a LATE update. Well i can safely say that all my attention has been regulated to this ff and the one shot i'm working on. So yes pleased as punch you'll all be...hahaha
I hope you like it. I may have said this a million times but i dont particularly like this chapter...I've straighted out a few things and I am happier with it no than i was before when i was ranting about it on Live Journal.
So um yes please be good to me in your reviews...lol also any constructive criticism is always welcome.
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Thank you!
Luv ya, Sash
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Plus remember is it AU and may not follow all of Cannon
Back in His Bed
Chapter 4: Tough Decisions
Lily's lips parted on a gasp, allowing him entrance and his tongue plunged in as a tingle made its way up her body. Her skin burned as his touch ignited fires she apparently had ineffectively put to rest. Anchoring her hips to his, he leaned forward on the closed door, allowing her no escape and her body traitorously pressed against his eagerly seeking connection.
Hands that were flat on her stomach smoothed its way upwards to her breasts, softly cupping them making her go slightly dizzy with pleasure. His leg that had insinuated itself in between hers pressed upwards, causing her to moan with the little jolt of pleasure.
But it was that sound that had her breaking out of that haze filled moment; her mind focusing again as her eyes snapped open.
"James, stop no." Lily said struggling to keep her emotions from getting out of control. The man had that kind of effect on her. She couldn't allow herself to get wrapped up in her senses when she had important decisions to make.
"What? What's the matter?" He said bringing his arms to rest at his sides.
"You shouldn't have done that," she said, her hands shaking as she smoothed them over her clothes.
"Do what Lily? Kiss you? You know damn well you were as involved in that kiss as much as I was."
"That's not the point James and you know it." She said, ducking out from under his to walk back into the living room. Her nerves were in a mess. She never could get a straight thought out like this. He was too there for her to ignore. "You just kissed me to shut me up and keep me from leaving. There is a difference."
"Then what is the point—the difference? Tell me. You want me to say sorry I kissed you, is that it?"
"Stop putting words into my mouth. I don't mean that at all and you know it, besides you'll never admit that you're sorry for anything let alone kissing me. You lost your right to touch me and anything that has to be said will be spoken aloud not," she waved her arms towards the front door to make her point, "like that."
"Don't give me that BS you're pregnant and it was more than touching that made that happen."
"Don't patronize me James. We didn't work out because we didn't want the same things in life. You yourself said permanence wasn't your thing anymore so why do we have to go through this again. All we need to decide is if you want any part in raising this baby and then settle matters as such."
James's face hardened. "Settle matters quickly and cleanly, is that right? You want your baby have two parents who live on opposite sides of the city?"
"What would you have me do then Potter?" Lily said scornfully. "Oh I know, how about I move in here so the baby will have two parents that live under the same roof—isn't that the ideal situation? Then while we play a happy family during the day its father will go gallivanting nightly with his new mistress of the moment."
"Jealous?" he asked and they both knew whom it was that he was referring to; the woman a few nights ago. Lily didn't remember her name or particularly care to know it and even if she did feel sick at the thought why should she? If James went to bed with another woman so quickly after they broke up then there was nothing left to concern herself with because she knew that by his actions he never really loved her in the first place.
Never respected what they had.
Though in reality, no matter how many women there was he'd never get serious with any one of them and that thought, although did little to ease her mind, made her even more sad because she was getting the feeling that intimacy wasn't what really had him cold towards her and the rest of the women for that matter.
It hurt, of course that he'd treat what they had so callously but to let him know he had that much power to hurt her would build his ego. It would make him think there was something he could do to bend her to his will and would try relentlessly to do so. Lily willed herself not to appear panicked. Bravado was good and all but there was only so much a person could project while trying very hard not to cry.
"There is nothing to be jealous about James. We are over, so who you screw in your free time is your business. I don't care to know about that part of your life anymore." Lily said, moving closer towards the door, she needed to leave. Right now though, she was proud of herself because though in her heart she still wanted to know who the man she loves preferred, her voice didn't betray her emotional fragility.
James felt his gut tighten. She looked as though she was serious uttering those words. Her haughty attitude was aggravating him to no end and didn't she care how this news was affecting him? He was going to be a father at twenty-one for crying out loud and important things needed to be decided.
It did not matter what happened that night with Fiona so there was no need to let that influence her actions in the here and now so he told her that. However Lily looked even stiffer as she laughed; the sound bitter as he further tried to scramble for something to keep her here longer.
His brain was still processing the fact that he was about to become a father.
"Don't you see James it does matter and not only to me because I may not care who you sleep with but how do you think that would affect how this baby is brought up?. Who you sleep with may not mean much to you but it will to our unborn child. More to the point, any decision I make towards this baby I will do so to better her life.
You don't trust me; I mean to have you leap to the conclusion that it was someone else's child in the first place is enough to tell me that. The sad thing is you were too wrapped up in yourself to notice what was going on; you didn't even recognise Rourke for crying out loud. I plan to have this baby and I will do everything I can to protect it from hurt."
Lily didn't know what else to say. Suggest shared custody? …Maybe not but she had a good apartment and she didn't have the finance to look for anything closer to his flat. And for him? Well there was little chance he'd give up this amazing place so there in lies the stalemate.
James didn't like how this was going. Lily's stubborn attitude was grating on his nerves. He did not want to become a part time father. Sure before this moment children had been a goal fifteen years in the future but things change and he was becoming a father now. He had responsibilities and whether Lily liked it or not she had them as well.
He had every intention on doing what's right for the baby as well. He had two parents and he had a great childhood. He wanted that for his child the way he was brought up.
"I want you to marry me." The words seemed to echo in the silent room. He hadn't been completely sure that that was going to be his plan and to hear the words pop out of his mouth had been a surprise.
But as he looked at Lily for her reaction, shock was etched on her face. Not that he was surprised, he'd shocked himself too but did she have to look so repulsed to the idea?
"Wh-what?" she said and that tone alone was enough for fury to sweep over him.
"I hadn't realized you were that slow in understanding what a question meant darling," he said baiting her, knowing that he probably shouldn't.
"Get your head out from inside your ass James." She said bravely, though her courage was wanly slightly. He wasn't serious about the proposal …he was baiting her she knew, but even if he was serious, she wouldn't, not if it wasn't about love.
And it wasn't. The mere thought that is was would be laughable. She wasn't delusional. She knew where things stood.
"I heard what you said and if you think that I'm going to marry you, you better think again. There is no way in hell I want to be anywhere near you let alone sharing your name and living under the same roof with you."
Fury pulsed in his through his veins; she was looking down on him and he wanted to lash out, to hurt.
"You wanted that three weeks ago, didn't you Evans," James said disgustedly. "What's the matter—not going to way you want it?"
"What the hell do you mean by that?" hurt shifted through her. She didn't like what he was implying.
"What do you think I meant?" James said in a light tone that got her blood boiling. "You wanted us to get married, isn't that right? Well you got your wish; I'm asking you to marry me."
"Don't give me that bullshit," her voice came out scornfully. "You're trying to imply something and I don't like it."
"Come on Lily, don't pretend be daft, I get why you're doing this." James said realizing more and more that he was right and warmed up to the idea. Pulling something this devious wasn't like her but then again, who was he to question the way a woman mind worked.
Her stone cold expression should have alerted him to how far off the mark he was but in ignorance he ploughed on. "You wanted to marry me so badly you went and got yourself pregnant so you could."
He saw the hurt pour out of her eyes but he still continued. "I bet you realised that you weren't pregnant when you gave me that ultimatum so you had to cut your losses and leave. But then when it turned out you were; you knew this was your chance."
Shock and hurt immobilized Lily.
"You…" she said on a gasp. She was not going to cry in front of him. Her throat closed and she struggled to breathe in properly.
"You're a despicable excuse for a human being…I know something happened in your past but – but that gives you no right to hurl accusations at me. What was I really to you James? Some kind of toy?
You've changed so much since I knew you; you can't see what's in front of you anymore. I'm not going to marry you James, not ever." She said and rushed out of the flat.
Startled, James's stomach tightened. He'd done something horribly bad.
"Lily—Lily wait," he said running, following her.
Catching up to her at the stairs he grabbed her arm.
"Lily please, I'm … sorry. I don't know what happened to me in there. I never should have said those things to you." James said, angry with himself. He was such a fool. What made him say those things, let alone think it? Lily may not be his favourite person at the moment but that didn't mean she'd scheme to marry him. She had more pride than that.
"What you said was unforgivable…I don't know if I can talk to you anymore." She said and the tears that brimmed her eyes had him backing down.
Lily never cried, not in front of him. His hand released her arm. "I'm sorry."
"It doesn't matter James, just let me know what you decide and we'll work things out." She said in a rush before disapparating leaving James standing there with a mix of emotions swirling in his gut.
…
Lily awoke to roses and swollen eyes the next morning. Two huge bouquets of twelve were delivered with only a simple message attached.
The offer still remains.
Lily swore foully before covering her still flat mid section. "Sorry baby," Even in writing he sounded like an arrogant bastard. She crumpled the card in her hand threw it directly into the rubbish bin.
"The offer still remains," she mocked. The man had a lot of gall. After last night he still expected her to think about caving into his demand? She almost snorted with laughter at the thought of him really expecting flowers to help sway her decision to his way of thinking.
Annoyed didn't even come close to how she was feeling but then again she'd need an entire dictionary of emotions to describe this headlong rush hysteria she was experiencing.
She still felt the hurt from last night and she didn't know if she wanted to get over it. Maybe it would help keep up the barrier between her and James.
She'd cried herself to sleep last night and now she looked all pale and sick because of it.
Since the beautiful, red blossoms came already encased in crystal vases it would be easy to move about but as she stared at them tears began to prick at her eyes.
She'd thought she hadn't had anything left to cry out and as a sob threatened she tried to breathe.
She wasn't going to cry, she wasn't. She needed to get on with her daily routine.
Keep busy.
She'd given that advice to a lot of people not it was time she took it herself.
First though, she needed to get ready for work.
Surprisingly today though, she didn't experience the usual bout of nausea. She had been taken aback when she'd been able to roll out of bed to answer the door this morning. Apparently crying your heart and soul out did wonders for morning sickness. Relieved that at least one thing was going well for her today she stepped into her shower.
Fifteen minutes later she was all done and ready to leave. She had a few stops to make so she quickly grabbed her purse and tired to balance the two vases out the door. She stopped at the flat next to hers and knocked on the door with her foot.
Her neighbour was a kindly old woman who'd retired last year. After handing her one of the vases she moved on to the manager's office that was located near the exit. After the young woman thanked her for them Lily walked off feeling pleased.
She wasn't about to keep them in her home, her sanctuary. She went home every evening to relax, to try and get away from her demons not have them bore holes in her every single time she looked at a rose. Sighing she trotted to the nearby coffee pub where she purchased a plain muffin and milk in a takeaway cup hurriedly. The sweet smells permeating the room, made her feel like vomiting.
Hopefully she'll be able to keep busy at work and maybe she'd have another talk with Rourke about adding on more assignments to her workload, she needed support anyway she could get it.
…
But at work, peace was not to be found. She wanted to laugh and cry at the same time but there, staring her in the face, on her desk, was another vase and this time it was filled with baby's breath.
The irony wasn't lost on Lily but there was no way she'd be able to do any coherent work with that in her line of vision.
Did he think by attacking her with her everyone of her favourite flowers that she'd somehow find the will to want to say yes? She was not deluding herself into thinking that he cared about her. He clearly did not, last night more than proved that so he wasn't trying to attempt to win any form of affection from her.
Or was he publicly trying to force her to say yes?
Good grief this was all so confusing.
"Nice flowers," the familiar male voice said from behind her. "Who is the admirer?"
Lily turned to scowl at the man, "Leave it Rourke." Then, "On the other hand why don't you take it and give it to Alana." She said smiling.
Rourke looked at the flowers sceptically then back at Lily's face. "Um, I don't think so." He said carefully. "They're for you aren't they?"
"They're from James," she said scowling.
"Ah," he said and then nodded.
"What is 'ah' supposed to mean?" Lily asked suspiciously. She didn't like that tone at all.
"It's just that it's about time he try to win you back," he said defensively.
"No this is not an attempt to win me back Rourke. This is a form of war. He is letting me know he is going to keep trying to get me to agree to marry him."
He may be trying to apologise for what he said to you.
A voice echoed in her mind but she stomped it down. He couldn't be doing that. If he were that would mean he cared, which he did not.
"He proposed? Uh did he find out about the baby or something?"
"He did not propose, he demanded and yes" she said then grated out, "he knows about the baby. I told him yesterday."
"Well it seems like he is making amends." The idiot said positively before he smiled.
"Aren't you a man? Don't you know that this is a blatant challenge? He knows by constantly shoving something at my face he would get me to say yes—tuh—and strategically placed things too."
"All that aside Lily, I know that although the two of you are at each other's throats most of the time, both of you want what is right for the baby. So I suggest that what motivated you to let him know about the baby also motivate you to seriously think about that proposal." He said and then gave her a brief hug and a smile. "Think about it and get back to work."
Lily had to return his smile. "Yes boss,"
"Oh and its okay if you take the afternoon of, just get your report to Anna before you leave."
"W-wait Rourke I wanted more assignments. That's what I need. I need to keep busy. I don't want the afternoon off."
"You're getting it off and I'm not giving you more than your share of work. Think of the baby, don't overstress and its Alana's week off. Go talk to her; bounce off your anger and stuff, she wouldn't mind."
Lily laughed.
"Thanks Rourke," she said smiling. "I may do that."
"No problem just make sure I'm not accused of Nepotism all right?"
After he left, Lily sat down with a whoosh. Her energy was already sapped. After not getting enough sleep last night and then trying not to let James's flower shower affect her she was not in the mood the finish that stupid report for Rourke but she had to.
Thinking about her free afternoon ahead though, did little to ease her agitation.
She'd wanted something to occupy her thoughts, now thanks to the fact that her cousin-in-law was also her boss she had the bloody time to think about James all day long.
Still, she didn't plan on talking to anyone about it.
Whether or not she decided to marry James was her decision—wait no, she thought rising up from her chair, she wasn't going to marry James. Hadn't she already decided that?
Oh dear lord.
Her life was such a dreadful mess.
Could she live with James under such pretence? Like any other girl she'd had hopes of marrying love and while may still love James Potter she was sure the feeling wasn't mutual.
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