HellfireSupremacy: I listen to the feedback of my readers. So by popular demand, this Fic will now be featuring OVER NINE THOUSAAANNNDDD!!!!! percent more Matthew antics.

Matthew: W00t w00t, I'm back bitches.

Lyn: Oh dear God no…lord have mercy

Eliwood: Quick, hide the children!

Hector: (grabs bucket of popcorn and sits back)

HellfireSupremacy: Still don't own Fire Emblem. If I did it wouldn't be rated (E)

Matthew: (whispers) This Hellfire dude should totally own Fire Emblem.

Eliwood: Is he even allowed to say that?

Hector: Who the fuck cares, its Matthew. On with the show!

Boy Talk with Eliwood and Hector:

(Part 4)

Hector and everyone else worth hanging out with were off fighting the Black Fang. Everyone that is accept Matthew. Matthew: a thief by trade and Ostian spy by profession, a rogue agent with a well earned reputation as a practical joker. At best he was a loveable little scamp. At worst he was a complete douche bag. But he was never boring.

He also had access to every illicit substance known to man. That was also a definite plus in his favor.

"Matthew, I've got an entire day to kill and I'm bored as hell." said Eliwood. "What'cha got and how much is it gonna cost me?"

"Depends," quipped the cheery thief. "How much ya looking to spend?"

"I don't know man, Hector usually does the buying. What's the going rate for a good time? Ten gold? Twenty gold?"

"Twenty gold will get you a bottle of cheap liquor. You don't want that man," Matthew grinned. "You want the good stuff."

"How much?" Eliwood repeated. "And don't just throw out some bullshit number, I'll get the going rate from Hector. You screw me over and he'll beat your ass."

"No bullshit man, you know I run an honest business (that claim alone is in fact the biggest load of bullshit you will ever here from Matthew in your entire life). Matthew swung an arm around Eliwood's shoulder and started flapping his mouth off like a used cars salesman.

"Tell ya what I'm gonna do," the thief made his sales pitch. "For a very reasonable price your friend Matthew's gonna give you the works. Best booze, best weed, best everything.

"How much?" Eliwood asked

"I'm gonna get you so fucked up you'll be farting smoke rings. You're gonna break wind and the entire camps gonna get the munchies, that's whats gonna happen. True story." Matthew rambled on.

"How much?" Eliwood asked. Again.

"Now I'm sure you're wondering…" Matthew went on with a dramatic flourish "…what miraculous leaf can possibly get you so blitzed that the next day, you can actually blow it out your ass and share the joy with those around you? Well my good man, I just so happen to have on my humble personage, the finest weed in all the land. Imported all the way from Nabata, the stickiest of the icky..."

"Damn it Matthew, stop screwing around!" Eliwood shook away the thief's arm. "Out with it already. How much for the booze and the weed?"

"300 gold for an afternoon of high times, what say you?"

"I say go fuck yourself." Eliwood spat. "If I wanted to get hosed I'd be asking Lyn for an enema."

"Lovely imagery my lord. But in all seriousness, 300 gold is a very generous offer for weed off this quality. If anyone's taking a hosing in the ass it would be me."

"Matthew, I've been to bars with Hector where it hasn't even topped 200 a night for the both of us. And that's with the cheap hookers. I know a scam when I see one. There's not a leaf in the world that's worth 300 gold a hit."

"But…."

"And what the fuck is this!? Nabatan imports my ass you probably grew this crap yourself back in Ostia. God knows how long it's been sitting in your tent."

"No scam my lord." Matthew passed his goods to Eliwood for closer inspection.

Hanging out with Hector has given Eliwood a great deal of expertise in this matter.

"This is the best of the best." The thief crowed. "Arcadian Koosh, the stuff of legends. This shit will fuck up a dragon, no lie. You take 181 metric tons of giant lizard and you light up a full bag of this Koosh. It'll be blitzed out of its mind in minutes. I swiped it from Athos."

"The Arch Sage?"

"Aye, the one and only. So, what say you now my lord? Show a rogue a little appreciation for his troubles, eh? Split it 50-50, I'll cover half the price. We'll get bombed, we'll get blitzed, and we'll call it an afternoon."

"…I don't know. Seems...kinda dangerous actually. I mean come on Matthew; you stole it from the fucking Arch Sage? He's gonna know man, he knows everything. And is this stuff even safe for humans? Don't dragons breathe different air or something?"

"Awwwwww, come on Eliwood. Don't pussy out on me! It's just one bag. What would Hector say if he heard you being such a whiny little bitch?"

"What would Hector say?" Eliwood didn't need to give this one any thought, he knew exactly what Hector would say. "He'd tell me to be a dude, not a dick. He'd smack me up side the head for being a pansy. Then he'd probably try to smoke the entire bag by himself."

"Yep that sounds about right," Matthew held out his hand expectantly and greased his palm. "So which is it, are you a dude or are you a dick?"

Again, Eliwood didn't have to think to hard on this one. "Fuck it, I'm in. And I call first hit." Eliwood produced a huge sack of gold and dropped it in Matthew's hand. "Let's get bombed!"

40 minutes later…

Eliwood, Matthew, Dart, Wil, and Geitz are sitting in a hippy-circle in Eliwood's tent. Everyone is completely shit-faced. Some more then others. Dart has built up a tolerance to all manner of substances getting wasted on the high seas and is the least intoxicated of the bunch. Wil on the other hand is clearly a first timer, and its showing.

Geitz for the first time in his life is not dying of boredom.

"No, no that's all wrong!" Dart bellows as Wil attempts to suck in a bong hit and fails miserably. Eliwood and Matthew are cracking up. Geitz is completely out of it. "Don't just swirl it around in your mouth! deep breaths land lubber! Get it in your lungs! If you're not coughing you're not doing it right!

Dart lights the bong, Wil follows his instructions. The archer takes a deep breath and coughs violently.

"Damn it bow-plucker, cough AWAY from the bong. No one wants to be sucking up your spittle lad."

"Yeah no one accept Rebecca," Matthew says with a series of obscene gestures.

"Little whore loves sucking down Wil's spittle." Eliwood jeers. "I hear she likes sucking down other fluids too."

Matthew and Eliwood do a righteous dude high-5 and fall backwards laughing hysterically.

"Oye, that's my sister your talking about!" Dart hoists Matthew and Eliwood by their collars and slams their heads together.

"Wow, Dart dude, totally not cool." Geitz rolls a joint and passes it to his pirate buddy. "Mellow out man. Here, take another smoke."

Dart takes another hit of Arcadian Koosh and calms down. Just a tad.

"Seriously dude," says a Wil who is no longer entirely in his right mind. "Your sister's a slut."

Wil would later tell Priscilla that he had been sitting under a tree looking up when an apple fell on his face, and that's how he got his black eye. Several more imaginative injuries to the genital region were harder to explain away.


More Matthew Douche-baggery ahead in future chapters.

A reminder to check out Planar Chaos on Elibe. I m not above pimping my favorite FanFic in a more popular one. Free advertising FTW.