Anger is just the beginning.
Chapter 4
"So?" Myka asked as Abigail settled into the couch Myka kept in her office, where Myka was already sitting.
"She's holding onto an incredible amount of anger..."
"I could have told you that." Myka said sharply, before looking apologetic, "Sorry, that was totally uncalled for. Long week. Hell, it's been a long month. I need to drop my own anger. Jeez."
Abigail nodded, accepting the apology, as she took a mug of coffee that Myka had already poured for her. "Anger, grief, and self hatred are all warring within Helena Wells right now, and for the moment, anger is winning. It's why she tried what she did by going to Warehouse 2 and subsequently Yellowstone. The anger is mostly driven by her self hatred that she couldn't save Christina, her daughter."
"I've read her file, I know about Christina and the few notes we have on her failure to stop her murder, and then her asking to be bronzed, but much of my information is limited and the Regents were no help when I asked. They told me it was all we had on H.G. Wells." Myka said, her frustration showing.
Abigail nodded, knowing Myka would ensure she knew all she could for any new inmate and that it would be aggravating for her to have so little. "The self hatred is driven by her overwhelming grief. The journey through grief is a highly individual experience. In this instance, rather than focusing on a specific timeline, it is more helpful for me, and ultimately Helena to focus on the intensity and duration of all that she is still feeling. There is no doubt, that initially grief for anyone is overwhelming, and people can often feel out of control. For Helena, who hid her emotions, as was the expectation of the time, the need to then control something, no matter how unsavory became paramount." Abigail paused, "They argue the loss of a child is perhaps the most intense loss there is. The intensity of any grief is also related to the degree of attachment, the relationship, let alone all the other aspects of understanding by those around you; from social support, to personalities and how someone might have died. The aspects of Christina Wells horrific death, and then Helena G. Wells grieving process, mixed with her guilt at not being able to save Christina, the lack of support, but more importantly, the lack of understanding by those around Helena because of Victorian values were in many ways a perfect storm brewing."
"Can H.G. Wells be helped? Or is it too late, her grief and anger too ingrained?" Myka asked, looking worried.
"I believe I can help yes and I am grateful that Helena has agreed to see me again, despite her determination at the start of the session not to seek my help." Abigail leant forward slightly, "My initial report is that after her debronzing, the Regents were, no I amend that to they are very much at fault. At fault for not recognizing we have never faced a situation such as this straight away, and they should have realized the issues that drove Helena to be bronzed had never been resolved. That and the physical issues Helena has faced..."
"Wait. What do you mean physical issues?" Myka looked and sounded puzzled.
"And again, here is another prime example of information - important information - not being given by the Regents. We really need to try and change this antiquated attitude of theirs. Due to the stasis of bronzing, and that Helena was aware of herself..." Abigail stopped talking as a look of horror crossed Myka's face.
A hand went up to cover Myka's mouth, which she dropped slowly as she spoke, "You mean she was awake? For all that time?"
"Awake isn't quite the right term, but yes, she was aware, cognizant of some of what was around her. Which truthfully, was nothing more than an endless, timeless dark abyss. Time to think, to dwell."
"To continue allowing the anger to fester and grow." Myka finished, horrified. "Oh my God. It's astounding she even functions at all."
Abigail settled back into the couch, "Considering the circumstances, you are absolutely correct. That Helena functions at all is testament to her own strength. So, not only was no help given at the time of Christina's death, which is unsurprising for the time, more importantly none was forthcoming at the time of Helena's debronzing, and while there is no doubt Helena hoped humanity had improved, it hadn't. Then of course, she is angry at the Warehouse for losing her files, of not adhering to her wishes, which I agree is something I hoped they would address but again know they won' , along with all she had endured physically was enough to tip her over the exceptionally precarious, extremely thin edge she had been balancing along all this time."
"According to Pete, he felt she almost wanted him to stop her at Yellowstone. He has some anger towards her, but admits, she also gave off conflicting vibes, so he never felt she was likely to do something so drastic. He doesn't say as much, but I think he feels some sympathy for her and can see she has good inside her." Myka supplied. "It seems anger is holding a lot of people together at the moment."
"I would agree with that assessment, especially in regards Helena. Helena Wells is not evil; at least not like a lot of the women who are incarcerated here. Her problems stem from a series of events that would send most people scrambling for some way to control life around them, or to lose complete control. Helena has unfortunately done both rather spectacularly."
"So, going back to my question, can you help?"
Abigail nodded, "I believe I can. I also want Doctor Calder to give her a thorough medical. As I said earlier, the Regents have been remiss in not even checking to make sure she has fully recovered physically from being in the bronzer. It undoubtedly caused issues, particularly with sensitivity to light and sound, both of which are far more invasive than anything she would be used to anyway. Victorians didn't have the same sensory overload we exist with today. As a planet, we've grown up with the changes, gradually getting used to them as they happened, so our bodies adjusted to the change with little trouble. For Helena, she went from mostly gaslights, oil lamps and candles, horse drawn carriages, some steam driven engines and very few basic internal combustion engines to neon lights, street lights, complex combustion engined vehicles, airplanes, the lot. Let alone the low hum buzzing from electricity use we just don't even notice we are so conditioned to hearing it these days. Fridges, freezers, washing machines, phones, driers - the list is almost endless. In some ways, that sensory overload alone would have been enough of an issue for most, let alone everything else she's dealt with from being bronzed."
"I can get Vanessa here in the next day or so, depending on her schedule." Myka pulled over a diary from the desk next to where she was sitting. Opening it up, she looked at Abigail, "I have your days marked. I will let you know once I get a day and a time."
"Thank you." Abigail stood up, Myka mirroring her actions, "I will of course type out a full report. However, my initial assessment is that Helena G. Wells needs our help, not our condemnation. She will also likely lash out at times, because of the feelings of unfairness about all that has happened to her, but don't take it personally if it is directed at you." Abigail rested a hand lightly on one of Myka's forearms, "You will merely be part of the system she despises at the moment, and while she might recognize you are truly trying to help, that you're trying to improve things, her anger is her driving emotion still."
"I understand." And Myka truly did.
"Am I going mad?"
Abigail could tell that Helena had asked the question genuinely wanting to know what she thought.
"It will certainly feel like it at times. Particularly if an individual need to grieve is out of step with social and cultural expectations. You were already out of step with social and cultural expectations of the time long before Christina died. Now you are even more out of time."
"So I am going mad?" Helena questioned, a frown creasing her forehead.
"No, I simply said it might feel like that." Abigail leaned forward slightly, trying to get the point across, "Grief affects people physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. You are required to make adjustments, and at a time when you are least able to cope emotionally with those changes. From being a parent, you are suddenly burying a child. Something no parent should ever have to do. From that, you should gain validation and permission to then grieve. Unfortunately, you were unable to get either. Instead, you could only function on anger, even though you knew, deep down, it was wrong on many levels. You asked to be bronzed because you knew that should you continue, the destruction you could have inflicted might well have been far more brutal than you had already given out; destructive to those around you, but also to yourself. That has never been addressed, and so after your release from the bronzer, the thoughts re-emerged and pushed you towards the events of Yellowstone."
Helena felt the tears welling up, even though she tried desperately to stop them forming. She blinked, and attempted to tilt her head up so her face wasn't fully seen, trying to wipe the moisture away from her eyes, knowing she wasn't fooling anyone, least of all herself, but she simply couldn't face showing her tears.
"Do I have a right to inflict this on others. On you? I feel I don't have that right. It goes against everything I was taught growing up, and as an adult. What can we expect of each other?" Helena finally asked, as she felt herself strengthen.
Abigail reached across the gap, gently placing a hand on Helena's knee, just enough to show her sympathy, before drawing it away, not wanting to make Helena feel any more uncomfortable than she already did.
"Undoubtedly before you were bronzed, many of those around you would have felt intensely uncomfortable with the emotion and the pain of the bereavement and also how to deal with you, to the point of feeling helpless. I know Caturanga wrote how helpless he felt." Abigail watched the shock crossing Helena's face.
"Caturanga. You have read his notes and he mentions that?" Helena was barely able to keep her voice steady. She watched with fascination as Abigail reached across to a file on the table alongside her chair. She picked it up, and handed it across to Helena.
"A copy of a few of his notes. Ones I feel might be best read by you at a time when you are able. You don't have to read them now, but when you are feeling better; then let me know and I'll ensure you get the privacy here in my office to read them."
Helena looked down at the file in her hands, as they shook ever so slightly. The tears formed again, only this time she didn't try to hide them as she looked back at Abigail, with a hoarsely whispered, "Thank you."
Abigail nodded, allowing the time Helena needed to compose herself, before continuing, "There are no magic words or actions on this. Trust in your own ability, and while it will take time, to trust those of us also trying to help you and our abilities. I'm not asking you to fully trust us today, or even tomorrow, but I hope with time, my actions, and those of Myka Bering will show that we are not all dinosaurs, at the Regents beck and call. We might even make the occasional wrong call, but it will be a mistake and certainly not intended to harm you further."
"Doctor Calder." Abigail stood up from the chair in Myka's office, hand outstretched as Vanessa walked in.
Shaking Abigail and then Myka's hand across her desk, Vanessa sat alongside Abigail, "I've told you more than once Abigail, please call me Vanessa."
"I will try." Abigail answered, but looking uncomfortable with the suggestion.
Without preamble, Vanessa looked at Myka, "So, I have reviewed the files you sent across to me. Frankly I am appalled no-one considered giving Miss Wells any help via my office once MacPherson debronzed her and she reappeared and allowed herself to be taken back into Warehouse and subsequently as an agent with full duties that title demands. I have also read your initial reports Abigail, and while it isn't my area of expertise, I fully endorse all you have said so far. Truthfully, it's at times like this I question the Regents ability to run the Warehouse and keep the agents working there safe. We talk about Helena Wells being displaced out of time, and yet the Regents almost seem to be rooted in customs that were formed from Warehouse 2 and haven't been fully updated since. It will take time and patience from all of us to even get some recognition of change, and if we try too much too soon, it will likely backfire on us."
"I'm pleased that you agree with my assessment," Abigail admitted, "I am concerned that Helena is still suffering a little from light and sound sensitivity. When she comes to my office, I have to ensure the main light is turned off, and that only the desk and floor lamp I have are on. She hasn't said anything, but I noticed she was struggling with the light the first time she came to me. I also have seen her wincing when there has been outside noise filtering into my office."
Myka joined in quickly, "Now that you mention is, I remember when she'd been placed in solitary without my knowledge and I turned the light on, she seemed uncomfortable beyond the norm, but I was so angry at her situation, I didn't think anything more of it. I also think being in the dark for that length of time would not have helped her psyche. I'm sure Valda would have known what he was doing locking her away in the darkness, especially since he has complete access to the Regent files and would likely know of some of the issues the debronzing caused."
"It wouldn't be surprising if there are still some issues there. The Regents have it noted down as likely causing issues with sensitivity, but they did nothing more to address this as we know," Vanessa acknowledged, "I think these issues will settle with time, but until I do an assessment I won't know for sure. Regardless, Helena G. Wells is now a priority for treatment from me and I will place her under my care. It will also ensure she isn't thrown into solitary as she has been. It means that she can be placed in a room in the medical wing, so the guards that we know are not helping the situation won't have any way to influence her treatment here, at least for the time I am her treating physician."
Myka sat there, allowing a small smile to form. Now she knew she had that support on the ground that Pete said she should look for. Suddenly she felt less alone, and reinvigorated. They might just do this.
