Disclaimer: Nothing is ours yet folks, no matter how hard the midget wishes it were.

See if you can figure out at which point during this chapter we stopped writing for a very long period of time, and then came back to it and didn't remember what we had wanted to do.


After another half hour of wandering, the group finally made it out of the woods, though if anything they were more noticeable than they had been before. James and Prongs had transformed into stags and were carrying their respective Lily's on their backs. Sirius and Padfoot were carrying not beautiful French girls, as they had hoped, but Remus and Moony, who could not transform because it was not full moon, and because they would have torn everyone to shreds. Upon the Sirius's initial refusal to carry the werewolves, Moony had started fake-crying and Remus had whispered "Don't you think we're beautiful?" The two were now riding comfortably. Autumn had returned to her perch on Matt's back. Claire, not to be outdone, had climbed onto Neville's shoulders and was holding his sword in the air, occasionally shouting things like "Leeroy Jenkins!" and "For Narnia!" To top it off, Dumbledore was still rather 'excited' from the hugging earlier, and Snape kept shooting him impressed looks, which, when questioned, he justified by saying "He's old! This is true magic!" And so the group made their way into the small German village.

The town appeared to be empty. No one moved about the streets. Curtains were drawn across all the windows. Any plants that were growing had withered.

"Why the hell did we bother with all the sneaking if there's not even anyone here?" Ron wondered loudly.

"Everything may not be as it seems, Mr. Weasley." said Dumbledore, who having calmed down, had reverted to 'professor' mode. "Wands at the ready everyone." Autumn waved her pencil around hopefully.

"Yeah, CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" Moody reminded, causing everyone nearby to jump- including about twenty villagers who had been hiding. One man fell out of a tree and landed with a thump on his back.

"Loud." he said, glaring at Moody reproachfully.

It was then that James, Prongs, Sirius and Padfoot decided to return to their human forms. Lily and Evans managed to hang on during the transformation and simply stepped down when it was complete. Remus and Moony were dumped unceremoniously to the ground.

The sudden movement startled the villagers, and all of them – including the children – impulsively drew guns and pointed them at the group. Instead of fearing for their lives, everyone, including Scabbers, who everyone seemed to have forgotten about, turned to look at Kate.

"In my defense, it was highly improbable that they had guns." she said defiantly.

The man who had fallen out of the tree had stood up, and was now shouting to the other villagers in German. Everyone tore their angry eyes from Kate and looked at Claire instead.

"I don't speak German, stop looking at me like that!" she said.

"Never mind," said Dumbledore. "People seem to believe that I'm rather brilliant, so I'm sure I can find a way to communicate." He walked over to the man nonchalantly.

"I don't see how one of Dumbledore's 'hugs' is going to be any help." Padfoot whispered loudly.

The man pointed his gun at Dumbledore and began yelling. Dumbledore calmly reached into his pocket and pulled out a lemon drop. He held it out to the man by way of greeting. This gesture only made the man yell louder and more aggressively.

"I think we understand each other." Dumbledore said. "He is welcoming us to the village."

"Actually, he's ordering the others to kill us." Matt interjected.

"You speak German?" several people cried.

"No… I mean, I didn't, but I suddenly understand it." he explained.

"It's 'cause you're the perfect little German boy, in Hitler's eyes anyway." Autumn said. "Which sounds good, now that I think about it. A world full of Matts…" She trailed off, stroking his hair and gazing at nothing.

"Autumn, stop agreeing with Hitler or I'll get Neville to sword you." Claire said. "And next time think before you write, that explanation is ridiculous."

"Oh my gosh, I have a way to save us, yay me!" Autumn yelled, ignoring her friend. She scribbled on her papers for a moment, and then there was a flash of white light.

There was a pause when Voldemort appeared that seemed to last an eternity. The angry German man stopped yelling. The nearby plants let the last vestiges of life leave their stalks. Everyone within a twenty-five mile radius shivered collectively. Snakes throughout Europe changed direction, so that they were slithering towards the spot where Voldemort stood. Then he suddenly yelled "Avada Kedavra!" and all the villagers were dead.

"WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT THINKING BEFORE YOU WRITE?" Claire yelled.

Voldemort took advantage of the distraction to lunge at Harry, but before he could get within ten feet of him, he was thrown back.

"Don't touch the chosen one, bitch!" Autumn cried as she wrote in a protection charm around Harry. "Actually, I have another awesome idea." She wrote for a second and then a collar appeared around Voldemort's neck, with a leash leading to Harry's hand. Voldemort, surprisingly, seemed okay with this.

"You shouldn't have killed those people, Tom." Dumbledore said.

"I saved your life, old man," Voldemort hissed. "And you're still complaining?"

"Those people were innocent. Nothing can justify innocent deaths."

"If it helps, that guy was yelling about how much he hated lemon drops." Matt said.

The light left Dumbledore's eyes in a way it only did when duelling Voldemort. "He deserved everything he got." he said bitterly.

"Anyway… control your bitch, Harry." Autumn said, after a fearful look at Dumbledore. She was hidden behind Matt, carefully pushing Kate towards the death aura coming off Dumbledore at the same time.

"Okay…?" Harry said, glancing with unease at the mass murderer standing next to him. Said mass murderer shot everyone a glare, causing heads to turn away quickly, before licking his lips while staring at Harry's ass.

"We should keep moving forward if we want to get to Hitler to kill him." Claire said, taking Neville's hand and stepping over the corpse of the angry man, his face stuck in mid-yell. Matt shuddered at the mention of Hitler.

"Yeah, let's move forward, I'm getting horny and there's nothing else here to do." Sirius and Padfoot proclaimed, stepping away from two very traumatized boys – James and Prongs.

"James!" both Lily's cried in horror at the same time.

"Poor thing, eh mate?" Ron said, nudging his friends. "Now he's scarred for life."

"I'm sorry they did that, I know it was horrible, traumatising, scarring-"

"It was so good!" both boys stated, staring wide eyed at nothing. "And I'll never experience it again. So much better than Lily, so much." The Lily's stared, stunned, at the James's. It took a few minutes before the shock was overcome and the shouting match began.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" the Lily's yelled.

"Guys, calm down." Harry said.

"FUCK!" Dumbledore proclaimed cheerfully.

"Why did you say that?" Snape questioned.

"To fit in, of course." Dumbledore replied.

"YOU BASTARD!" Lily screeched.

"Yeah, YOU BASTARD!" Sirius and Padfoot yelled, pointing at each other.

"It was so good," the two James's said in dream like states.

"FUCK FUCK FUCK-"

Claire, Matt, Kate and Autumn all stared blankly at the arguing book characters. Voldemort pinched Harry's butt in the confusion, Snape was molested by Dumbledore, and somewhere in the world a man killed another.

"Wonder where Hitler is…" Autumn pondered out loud, turning away from the rest of the group.


Somewhere in a Nazi camp in Germany:

Pictures covered the walls of a small wooden cabin in the center of the camp. They were present both inside and out, and all depicted the same individual: a slender, average height, pale skinned, blond haired, blue eyes boy named Matt.

"Oh Matt, my heart yearns for you. When will you be mine to hold and love, when will they allow us to love freely?" a man bearing a caterpillar moustache proclaimed. Hitler cried softly, stroking the closest poster to him. It displayed Matt being glommed by a small girl with curly hair, clearly taken by some deranged stalker, just like the rest.

"Sir," a soldier interrupted, causing Hitler to move swiftly from his stroking of the pictures to look at the man.

"Yes, what is it?" he questioned, irritation thick in his voice.

"He has been sighted, sir."

"What are you waiting for?" Hitler cried. "Go get him!"

"It is not that easy sir. He is protected by a small but conspicuous army."

"So kill them."

"They… they… sir, they seem to possess magical powers."

"That is an even better excuse to kill them!" Hitler spat. "Haven't you been paying attention at all these past six years?"

The soldier sensed death in pushing the matter. "Yes sir." he said, taking his leave.

Hitler resumed his stroking of Matt's picture. "Oh Matt," he sighed. "Soon you will be mine."


Meanwhile, the small but conspicuous army had stopped to eat, after realizing they hadn't done so for roughly twenty pages. The food that was supposed to give them strength, however, became their weakness, and was proven such when ten German soldiers came out from the trees and held them at gunpoint. To the group's credit, they were only slightly surprised.

"Hey Kate, do you think these guys have guns?" Claire asked sarcastically. Kate's only response was to glare back with nostrils narrowed. Claire did not react to this, possibly because she was a denizen of Satan and used to such evil, more likely because she was well experienced in giving such looks herself.

Neville, after realizing that no one else was going to attempt to fight being captured, stood and brandished the sword of Gryffindor at the Germans. They raised their guns high in the air in order to aim at his head.

Claire pulled him back into his seat. "Don't be an oxymoron." she said. "This is exactly how we're going to get close to Hitler."

"Um, Claire," Autumn said. "Should you be talking about our secret plans in front of the enemy?

"The only way that would be a problem is if you wrote in that they understand us." Claire said, the hint of a threat in her voice.

Autumn's eyes grew wide and she began furiously erasing something on her paper.

Claire was interrupted in her attempts to strangle Autumn by a soldier who grabbed her and tied her up.

"Get your hands off my woman!" Neville yelled, running forward. The soldiers, unable to reach his arms to tie them, simply threw a large net over him.

It was later discovered that Autumn forgot to document this part of the adventure, so it is not entirely known what happened. The next thing written about the group was that they were tied together in a German tent, and Matt was missing.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Autumn wailed.


Hitler stood, facing towards a table outlining a battle strategy. He picked up one of the pieces, the one symbolizing Germany, and held it in his hand with a look of longing. The cabin door shook as someone knocked on it firmly.

"Hail Hitler." came a proud voice from the other side of the door. It was soon mimicked by other voices proclaiming the same words.

"Come in." Hitler replied simply, placing the piece back on the table and walking away. His back was to the door as the soldiers entered the cabin, carrying the blond boy known as Matt. Matt's eyes were shut and his breathing was shallow as they placed him on the bed at the end of the room.

"We found the boy sir." said a short, tubby man, with hay like hair tumbling into his eyes.

"Excellent." Hitler praised, stepping over to his bed. He gazed down upon Matt, desire and longing painting his face. "He's like an angel, so pure." He stroked the side of Matt's face. "Blue-eyed, blond haired angel."

Matt's eyes fluttered faintly before slowly opening. His vision was blurred as he took a look at his surroundings. He noted a shape resembling a table in the middle of the room, as well as many shapes appearing like posters lining the walls.

"Good sleep, my angel?" a masculine, creepy voice purred next to his ear. Matt shot upright.

"Hitler?" he gasped.

"I thought I told you to call me Addy." Hitler said, stroking Matt's clothed thigh. Matt quickly drew his legs up to his chest.

"Now don't be like that, kitten." Hitler purred again, moving forward to pat Matt's head before collapsing on the bed next to Matt.

"Please don't call me kitten." Matt murmured. "Where are my friends?"

"Don't worry, they're all safe." Hitler said, leaning in to nuzzle Matt's neck. "Let's worry about us right now."


"Matt my love, feel my psychic message: Don't sleep with Hitler." Autumn cried, rubbing her temples furiously with eyes scrunched up. Her friend Claire kept shooting her weird looks.

"How are we going to get out of here?" Padfoot whined, fingering his wand.

"Fuck, I have no fucking idea, fuck, fuck, fuck." James hissed. He was playing a game of catch with his younger self. His wand spun through the air shooting red and gold sparks before landing the receivers hands.

"Yes, our escape is a mystery." Hermione noted, twirling her wand in her curls. "Perhaps we can find an old piece of metal and saw our way out…"

"Matttttttttttttttttt!" Autumn screamed.

"…or dig a hole." Hermione finished lamely.

Harry stared blankly at all of them, suddenly feeling incredibly smart. He reached a hand into his pocket and pulled out his wand. He held it up, staring at it in joy.

"Wands." he whispered. "We can use our wands."


Three hours later:

"Hit the wall harder, use that wand."

All the wizards had their wands out, trying to deepen the dent in the wall they already had by hitting it with their wands.

"You guys," Ron started, swinging hard at the wall, pretending it was Malfoy. "How'd we get untied?"

"Through some lazy magic of the writers." Claire hissed. "Autumn wrote us out because they didn't think paper and a pencil was a threat when they searched us – only Neville's sword."

Neville let out a sob at that. "I wanted to kill snakes with it." he murmured.

"This is stupid." Dumbledore said. "Let's hit it with the ends of our wands."

"Good idea!" everyone chirped.


Two hours later:

"That's it, fuck this!" Prongs screamed. He pulled back from the wall and pointed his wand at it. "Everyone get back, fuckin' now." Everyone sprang back, getting behind Prongs. With a twist and a wave the wall imploded.

Autumn snivelling over Matt faded. "Yeah, well anyone can blast a hole in a wall." she murmured. "I wanted to see it smashed with sticks."

The group piled out, Autumn and Claire taking up the rear.

"Told you, five hours." Claire muttered. "Five hours until they remembered what they can do."

"These wizards aren't that bright." Autumn observed simply, her eyes red and puffy from crying. She wrote carefully for a moment before a bundle of cash appeared in front of Claire.

"Yeah, they're stupid…" Claire said, distracted. Her eyes were bright as she counted her money with glee. "I'm going to Universal Studios. Hogwarts, here I come!" She started humming something that sounded like 'Get Back to Hogwarts' as she skipped over to Neville.

Claire, wait, I didn't tell you what the money's for." Autumn cried.

"I don't care." Claire said as she stashed the money in her boot.

Autumn chewed on the end of her pencil for a moment, pretending to think hard. "You know, I don't either." she said. "I don't even remember why I gave it to you in the first place."

"Because she's pretty?" Neville suggested.

"Because you're stupid." Padfoot stated.

"Because you're a crazy, scheming midget?" Ron said.

"Because she speaks better French than you?" said Moony.

"Because she wants to buy some lemon drops?" Dumbledore asked.

"Because she's constantly vigilant?" Moody questioned.

"No, it's because I'm awesome." Claire said. "Although all those other things are also true."

Autumn looked thoroughly confused. "Thanks a lot, guys, now I can't remember my next plot point." she said.

"That's what you get for procrastinating." Hermione said. "If you don't remember to document everything in a timely manner, you're left with gaping plot holes."

"Do it today or later you'll pay." Ron quoted darkly.

"Shut up!" Autumn yelled. "If you know so much, why don't you write your own fan fiction?"

"Maybe I will," Hermione said. "And it will make sense and have perfect grammar."

"Well, I won't read it!"

"Anyhoo," Claire interrupted loudly. "Neville and I are gonna go rescue Matt and/or kill Hitler. Feel free to join." With that said, she climbed awkwardly back onto Neville's shoulders and they were off.

Slowly the rest of the group followed.


Crouched behind trees on top of a nearby hill, the group had an unobstructed view of the German military base below.

"Hey Autumn, use your psychic connection to figure out where Matt is." Claire whispered. Autumn nodded and placed her fingers dramatically on her temples.

"He's in that one." she stated after a moment. She pointed confidently to a plain, unassuming building that stood off to one side of the camp.

Neville looked worried. "The one that looks like it's on fire?" he asked.

Autumn's eyes grew wide with understanding, for once. "No, not that one." she said. "I was pointing at this one, pay attention." A moment too late, she moved her hand so that she was pointing to a heavily guarded cabin with its curtains drawn shut.

"I think you're right." Claire said. "And I'd congratulate you if I suspected that any actual thought had gone into it." Autumn, not having heard anything past 'You're right,' proceeded to do a happy dance.

"Why is the midget having a seizure?" Padfoot asked.

Claire ignored him. "Okay, everyone shut up and let's go." she instructed. "And try to remember if you're a wizard this time, 'kay?"

"I promise nothing!" Prongs announced. He was quickly silenced with a branch to the face, and the rescue mission began.