Cut back to the Parker residence. Peter wakes up and gets up from the floor.

Peter: yawn ... (BELCH!!)

Peter puts on his glasses.

Peter: AAAAAAHH!! I'm blind!! (yanks his glasses off) Whew! (notices his reflection, which is now studly and buff)

Tobey Maguire Fan Girl: Eeeeeeeee!! (faints)

Peter: (flexes) Well, if the photography thing doesn't work, I can always get a job at Chip n' Dales...

Aunt May: Peter? Are you feeling studly and buff after dreaming about spiders?

Peter: Yeah!

Aunt May: Good! Now get your ass downstairs! You'll be late for kid jail-I mean school.

Uncle Ben: Goddammit, May, stop saying 'ass'!

Aunt May: Ass!

Once again, half the audience tries to leave. This time, the doors are blocked by machine-gun wielding Nazis. The audience, not wanting to re- enact the Holocaust, sits back down. Peter runs downstairs, making lots of noise.

Aunt May: Have a nice day, dear! Ass!

Uncle Ben: MAY!! Don't forget, Pete! We're painting the crappy orange kitchen turquoise when you get home!

Peter: Okay, I won't show up!

Peter heads out the door. Outside, he sees Mary-Jane's drunk bum-ass dad yelling at her as she leaves. Peter follows her down the street, and begins to rehearse a come-on.

Peter: (to himself) Hey, baby, w'sup? You be lookin' all fine, n' shit. Hows about you and me git da freak on?

Meanwhile, a car carrying two other airhead girls pulls up, picks up Mary-Jane, and drives off.

Peter: ...Damn. (notices the bus driving by) Damn 2 (damn squared)!!

Peter chases the bus, but it does not stop (big surprise there). Interestingly, the bizarre and somewhat random paper thingy on the side of the bus sticks to Peter's hand.

Peter: Okay, who put crazy glue on my hand?! Blaze?!

Blaze: NOT ME!!

Cut to Norman Osborn's Hogwarts-in-New-York mansion. Inside THE DEN...

Harry: (sees his dad sprawled out on the floor) Dad! (sniff) Ew... I think he's been in the sauce again.

Norman: (snort) (drool)

Harry: (shakes Norman) Dad, get up!

Norman: (snort) Five more minutes, mom...

Blaze: (hands Harry a megaphone) Here. Try this.

Harry: Thanks! (through megaphone) DAD!!!

Norman: YAAAAAAH!! (pulls a Tom and Jerry...in other words, he's now hanging on the ceiling)

Blaze: ...Cool!

Norman: (hits the floor with a big WHUMP!) Ow.

Harry: Forget where your bed was?

Norman: No. It was occupied. (glares at you-know-who)

Blaze: (big grin)

Suddenly, Norman's annoying assistant bursts into the room, followed by Peeves the butler.

Annoying Assistant: Mr. Osborn! Mr. Osborn!

Norman: I suddenly have a migraine.

Harry: Begone, Annoying Assistant!

Peeves: (throws a cane) Heeheeheeheeheehee!!

Annoying Assistant: Dr. I'm-the-biggest-dork-in-the-entire-movie is dead!

Norman: Dead?

Annoying Assistant: Dead! Gone! Croaked! Kicked the bucket! Bit the big one! Bought the farm!

All: We get the point!

Annoying Assistant: And the flight suit and the glider...

Audience: Wing!

Annoying Assistant: ...that Blaze neglected to mention in the original lab scene...

Blaze: Are you accusing me of incompetence?!

Norman: (vein on temple twitching) What about it? Shut up, Blaze!!

Blaze: ...(sniff)...

Harry: Uh oh...

Blaze: ...(eyes water)...(sniffle)...(sniff)...

Thunder clouds begin to form above everyone's heads. Lightning flashes.

Harry: I think you'd better apologize, dad...

Norman: I'd rather eat...(BOOM!) O.O ...I'm sorry!!

The clouds vanish.

All: ... ... ...

Norman: ...Um...what were we talking about before?

Annoying Assistant: The flight suit and glider.

Audience: Wing!!

Norman: Okay. What?

Annoying Assistant: They've been stolen! Poof! Gone!

Norman: At least somebody wanted that piece of-uh...no! That's horrible!

Cut to SCHOOL. In the lunchroom, Peter is busily knawing away at his french fries.

Peter: Strange background music warning me of danger...

Mary-Jane walks by and slips on some O.J. Peter whirls around, catches MJ, then her tray and food.

Mary-Jane: Wow! Great Matrix effects!

Peter: Yeah! I'm Neo's stuntman.

Mary-Jane: Cool! Hey, you actually have eyes! I was beginning to think that you didn't, with those foot-thick glasses of yours.

Peter: ... ... ...

Mary-Jane: I have to go sit with my prehistoric idiot boyfriend now. Bye!

Peter sits back down. He sees his fork stuck to his hand.

Peter: Damn static cling!

Peter tries to shake off the fork, but only succeeds in shooting silly string from his wrists, snagging a nearby tray, and whacking Flash with it. This action makes the prehistoric idiot mad, so he follows Peter down the hall and a fight ensues. Peter kicks his ass.

Peter: Who's yo daddy now, bitch?!

Peter then runs off to test his new super-powers.

Peter: Wheee! I can climb walls! Watch as I leap from roof to roof with the help of crappy CGI! Wheee! Oh look! A large chasm of buildings I can't leap across! No worries! I can use my organic silly string to conquer this obstacle! (holds out hand) Go web! (nothing) Flyyy! (no.) Up up and away web! (not quite) Shazaam! (Hey, you stole that line!) Go! (nope) Go! (nuthin') Go web go! (give it up, moron)

Peter does the classic Spider-Man hand thingy and the web comes out. Yaaaay!

Peter: I AM DORK-ZAN! KING OF THE BUILDING WALLS! YAAAAAAAAAA!!! (slams into a building wall) YEEEAH, BABY!!

Peter eventually goes home to find the crappy orange kitchen painted turquoise. Hey, he said that he wouldn't show up! Peter looks out the window and sees Mary-Jane's drunk bum-ass dad yelling at her again. He takes out the trash, he and MJ talk and crap, and she leaves. Peter decides to look for a car.

Peter: I am a dork who thinks that a nice car will impress a girl.

Audience: No, you're an UBER DORK who thinks that a nice car will impress a girl.

Peter stumbles across an ad for amateur wrestlers.

Peter: Yay! With my newfound superpowers, I am sure to kick all kinds of ass!

Peter begins drawing a bunch of pictures that make Blaze very jealous. Soon, the classic Spider-Man suit is conceived. Peter then begins to practice shooting his silly string and breaks a bunch of stuff. This makes Aunt May say "ass" 342 times. Later, Uncle Ben drives Peter to the "library." They talk and Peter acts mean. Cut to THE RING...

Crowd: INJURY! DEATH! DESTRUCTION!

Randy Sav...uh...Bone Saw: My voice makes Blaze grit her teeth!

Blaze: (grits her teeth)

Peter comes in, clad in his crappy, early-version of the Spider-Man suit. Bone Saw's hoes (one of which who looks remarkably like The Rock) taunt him. The fight starts.

Bone Saw: Watch as I crush you with my massive bulk!

W. Spider-Man: And watch as I use my super powers (which you don't know about, BTW) to cowardly escape you! HA!

Bone Saw: Chicken!

W. Spider-Man: Damn straight! Cluck! Cluck! Oh, and while I'm out of your feeble human grasp, I'm going to call you gay.

Bone Saw: ...Is it THAT obvious?

W. Spider-Man: Oh c'mon, dude, you're wearing SILVER and PINK!

Bone Saw: (makes a face) Oh...yeah...

W. Spider-Man jumps down and pulls a bunch of moves that should be considered illegal in wrestling. Bone Saw catches him and proceeds to beat the snot out of him.

W. Spider-Man: Look! It's Sailor Moon!

Bone Saw: Oooo! Where?!

W. Spider-Man beats him!

Audience: Yay.

Huh?! Why cut off here?! Read onnn...